HOBOSCOPES

ARIES

When I was your age, Aries, there had been a cataclysmic time-syncing event causing all things to have originated at the same moment, which was, coincidentally, your birthday. Everything was your age. The oceans, your parents, the concept of zero — all born in the same miraculous instant. Can you remember a time before you were born? Maybe just for today you should live as though all of this exists only for you and you are, in fact, at the center of all things.

TAURUS

Duck, Taurus! Whew, that was a close one. You got out of the way just in time. It’s enough to make you jumpy. Enough to make you feel like you’ve got to stay vigilant. What if it happens again and you don’t duck? It’s a scary thought, Taurus, but it’s not really a true story. We like to imagine we barely escaped tragedy, but it only makes us anxious about dodging the next one. How about next time, Taurus, you stay put. I believe you can get through almost anything. Even if you forget to duck.

GEMINI

It’s laundry day, Gemini. That’s why I’m wearing these frog socks I got for Christmas and this 2011 Amateur Astrologer’s Conference T-shirt. I wanted to explain myself, even though I know you don’t care too much about what your amateur astrologer is wearing. I’m just afraid you won’t believe that I know what I’m talking about when I tell you that everything is going to be OK. You’re right where you’re supposed to be. And yes, these cargo shorts do have a built-in phone holster.

CANCER

They call it a “gap in your resume.” The time you spent learning everything you know about the world and yourself. The weeks when you discovered what you need and what you’re best at. When the interviewer asks you to explain your stretch of unemployment, don’t flinch. You know exactly what that time was for. It made you who you are.

LEO

A teaspoon of sand doesn’t make for a very exciting beach vacation, but it’s enough to ruin a good salad. What I’m saying, Leo, is that context matters. Do you want to be a small and ever-disappearing fraction of a unified whole or the singular defining factor in a unique and memorable experience? I can’t say which is better, Leo, I only know that this time you get to choose the context.

VIRGO

What’s the worst that could happen, Virgo? Well, let me put some parameters on that first. There are some pretty terrible things that could happen. Everyone you’ve ever met could simultaneously forget you. The earth could split in two revealing that it was a giant chocolate egg filled with sugary goo. Aliens invaders from another galaxy could capture you and force you to watch every corporate training video ever made. But all of those things are extremely unlikely. Try this instead, Virgo, what are the three most likely outcomes? What’s the worst one of those?

LIBRA

The poet Virgil told us that the ancient Greeks snuck into the city of Troy inside of a giant wooden horse. The Trojans were so grateful for the gift that they brought it straight to the center of the city. The Greek soldiers waited for nightfall and captured the city, ending the Trojan war. Honestly, it seems pretty unlikely, Libra. I’m just saying that if you’re still trying to think of an elaborate way to sneak out of your little room and into the world, just drop it. Come out of the horse and knock on the front door, Libra. We all know you’re in there anyway.

SCORPIO

When my grandmother Mysterio died, I inherited a box full of collectible plates. They’re heavy and might use a lead-based paint, so they’re not great for eating off of. They’re not worth much money either. They’re also not very pleasant to look at, so I haven’t wanted to display them. So they just sit in the box that they were in when my sister dropped them off. What are you hanging on to that’s impossible to use, Scorpio? What if you let it go?

SAGITTARIUS

The sign in front of the church by my house was blank this morning. Usually it says something informational about meeting times or something pithy and slanting toward offensive. But today it was blank. Maybe they forgot. Maybe they lost all the letters. But I like to think they just woke up and realized that none of us know as much as we think we do. And maybe we all just need a blank space to rest in that understanding. Unrelated, Sagittarius, I’ve recently become the owner of a small number of plastic letters if you’re interested.

CAPRICORN

Did you pack your lunch for tomorrow, Capricorn? If you do it now, you won’t have to be in such a rush in the morning. And last week you forgot your lunch twice and had to buy taquitos from the gas station next door. A little bit of planning ahead can go a long way. Why put off till taquito what you can take care of today.

AQUARIUS

I make lots of lists, Aquarius. It’s helpful to keep that running tally of what needs to get done. And I’ve noticed that usually I get almost everything on the list finished but I’ve got a couple items left and then I have to move them to the new list. And I tell myself I just didn’t get around to those things, but sometimes I notice the same things not getting done and moving to the next list and the next list and the next. And we have to wonder, Aquarius, are we not getting around to these things for a reason? What’s on your list that was on your list last week? Why do you think that is?

PISCES

The sun is back! And the birds and flowers and…oh no, Pisces, you don’t think they’re gonna do mosquitoes again this year, right? I can’t believe they come back every year. Nobody is asking for this. I’ve tried asking them to stay away. I’ve tried voting-in different politicians. Still, every year, we get mosquitoes. Sometimes the bad things come back, Pisces. And a few of those are things we have to learn to live with.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered exterminator, or a Trojan horse whisperer. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1