HOBOSCOPES

ARIES

Unlock the door, Aries. Sanitize the doorknob. Wash your hands. Place your keys in a bucket of bleach. Unload the grocery bags. Wipe down each item and place on a sanitized surface. Wash your hands. Put your clothes in the washing machine. Burn the grocery bags. Shower thoroughly in 135 degree water. Wash your hands. Put perishables on a clean shelf in the refrigerator. Push your car into the swamp. Boil your phone in gasoline. Wash your hands. Clearly label your home “condemned.” Wander into the wilderness naked. Wash your hands. Now you’ve got groceries, Aries! Maybe take the rest of the day to just relax.

TAURUS

The Council for Health Among Amateur Astrology Professionals (CHAAAP) has recently issued a statement strongly encouraging all amateur astrologers to take utmost precautions when predicting anything that might encourage persons to be in overclose proximity to one another. For instance, normally your horoscope might read, “You will meet a tall, dark stranger.” This week it’s been recommended that I predict “You will meet a tall, dark stranger at a distance of at least six feet.” Things are changing fast, Taurus, even the future. Stay flexible.

GEMINI

If you’ve started to wonder, the plural of “apocalypse” is simply “apocalypses.” Nothing too linguistically fancy there. I see people talk about apocalypses like they’re the end of absolutely everything. But the word actually originates from the greek for “revelation.” So if you feel another apocalypse coming on, just remember that as scary as things might get, it may also be a time when things that have been covered up for too long are revealed. Apocalypses can get pretty dark, but they shine a light on what’s been hidden. What’s being revealed in yours?

CANCER

In an attempt to stop the spread of tuberculosis, New York city banned public spitting in 1896. When the signs went up, people were furious. A $500 fine for spitting in the street! Ridiculous! And, yes, the ban was, largely, unenforceable. But, over time, the idea soaked into the culture. Public spitting slowed and became increasingly taboo. Tuberculosis cases decreased too. You may think the new rules are outlandish, but if you find you’re the only person left who’s still hawking loogies in the stairwell, you may want to reassess your response.

LEO

I clocked-in for my night shift at Wandering Hills Super Video and Tan at 10:30 last Tuesday. Then on Wednesday morning the Mayor asked that we all shelter in place. So I’m still here. Just sheltering in place on my continuing shift at Wandering Hills. Haven’t really seen any customers, but I’ve alphabetized all the VHS in the Fitness section and eaten most of the Takis. It’s pretty lonely in here, Leo. I hope you’re somewhere with people you like. But if you’re alone, don’t forget that you can call. Call me or your brother or your coworker or your friend. It’s an easy way to remember that you’re not really alone if we’re all alone together.

VIRGO

There’s been a good bit of snark floating around lately about my chosen field. “Didn’t you astrologers see this coming? Why didn’t you warn us?” The truth is, Virgo, that I didn’t see this coming. But still, it’s been in the stars all along. What The Stars know and what they always tell us, is that all of this is fleeting. The light from any star has travelled so far and for so long that every twinkle is a reminder that everything is always changing. Planets come and go. Galaxies collide. Things are not what you expect them to be. So you have to live like your life is of the utmost importance, because it’s temporary, and it only happens once, and it is the most important life you will ever have.

LIBRA

How’s it going to end, Libra? In some of the greatest stories the tension just builds and builds until you can’t stand it and then it builds some more until you did stand it and then there’s a big finale and you know it’s over and you cry and clap and cheer. Most stories in real life, though, don’t have such a clear ending. Will we even know when it’s over? How do we know when to cry? How do we know when to cheer? Instead of waiting for the ending today, Libra, you’re allowed to just respond. If you want to scream, do it. If you need to laugh, find a way. I don’t know when the credits will roll, but you don’t have to wait. You can feel how you feel right now.

SCORPIO

I like to think that I respond to data and not just raw emotion. But sometimes the data doesn’t do what I want it to do, Scorpio. Sometimes I think human brains just aren’t meant to accept data that makes it look like we can’t win. Human beings are amazing that way. We won’t acknowledge failures until they’re in the past. We’re not made to accept them in advance. That’s what keeps us going, Scorpio. But that doesn’t mean we can’t change our behaviour to get to a better way of losing. My humanity tells me all is not lost! My logic tells me you’ve got to make some changes even if it’s just to lose in the best way possible.

SAGITTARIUS

You’ve heard it said, Sagittarius, that you must be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. And, even in the best of times, that can be hard. Because I have to go around imagining that everybody lives some life in the background that deserves my kindness. Lately, Sagittarius, it’s a little more obvious. It takes a little less imagination right now to see that we’re all fighting the same battle. And we may have different challenges and different parts to play, but for all of us, one of those parts is kindness to everyone you meet. We’re all on the same team this time.

CAPRICORN

As I reach day 11 of sheltering-in-place on my longest-yet shift working at Wandering Hills Super Video and Tan, I’m realizing I may have made some mistakes along the way. First of all, I ate most of the Takis before I noticed we still had an unopened can of nacho cheese from when we did that new-release promotion for El Mariachi. I could have been dipping in that the whole time! What I’m realizing, Capricorn, is that it’s never too late to recalculate your assets. What do you have going for you that you haven’t used yet? Is it a can opener? Because I’d love to borrow a can opener.

AQUARIUS

Everything has so many more steps now, Aquarius. Every surface must be sanitized. Every hand must be washed. Every social interaction must be distanced. And people like to talk about how limitations breed creativity and how time away from offices and bars will be the foundation of great art. But I’m mostly just finding that I’m exhausted. Even simple tasks have so many extra steps that by the time I get to the end of the day all I want to do is slump in a chair and watch Star Trek. If you’re anything like me, Aquarius, then I’m officially giving you permission to slump. Put those creative demands on the burner furthest back and play the next episode.

PISCES

My friend invited me to a virtual watch party! I was almost done polishing up my water-resistant Casio with alarm chronograph and G-Shock protection, when I found out what a watch party is. Honestly, Pisces, my internet connection can’t handle streaming a movie and Zooming with pals at the same time. But you know, stargazing is the original watch party. And when I look up, I feel like I can see more of them now. Maybe fewer neon lights left on. Maybe less exhaust in the air. Come out with me tonight, Pisces. You in your yard and me in mine. We’ll count the stars and wait. It’s the best way to see what the future brings.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained statistician, or a certified prophet. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1