HOBOSCOPES

TAURUS

What’s the best way to end an email, Taurus? I like to go with “sincerely” but I’m thinking I might start using “warmest regards.” Is that too sappy? In any case, Taurus, it’s important to know how to end things. Sure, it’s easy to just let them go on indefinitely, but I think coming to a clean and definitive ending can set you up to start something new. What do you think? Respectfully yours, me.

GEMINI

You know what sounds good, Gemini, is a big fresh, leafy, crunchy salad. You know who has a great salad? Vickie’s Pizzeria! Come to think of it, we could get a salad and a cheese pizza and split it. What’dya say? Or maybe we should get two. Does that sound like enough? Tell you what, I’ll order three pizzas if there’s a little extra leftover all the better. Oh, you definitely have to try their mozzarella sticks. And I’ll grab some sodas, too. Wow, Gemini, it sure is easy to go from wanting a light salad to hosting a full on pizza party. Look out for escalation this week. Try to end the deal with what you actually wanted in the first place.

CANCER

In the 1940s the zoot suit was the steppin-out outfit of choice in certain American immigrant countercultures. Widelegged, high-waisted pants and a long jacket with big shoulders and a fedora — any man was bound to cut a figure in a zoot suit. But during WWII the U.S. government asked citizens to conserve fabric to help with the war effort. Suddenly the fabric-intensive zoot suit was “unamerican.” This led to the “Zoot Suit Riots” of 1943 in which American servicemen in California attacked and stripped the clothes off of young Latino men who didn’t want to give up their culture. Sometimes we focus on the wrong things, Cancer. Sometimes we look at strangers and forget to see our brothers and sisters. Take a breath before you blame anybody else for the problems we’re all facing.

LEO

I once spent a sunny afternoon on a pier. I chased a seagull and ate a corn dog and squinted at the ocean and then I saw a man sketching portraits. It was just $10, so I sat for the man and I tried to make conversation. “Hold still,” was all he said. I laughed and I asked him how long he’d been a sketch artist and if he ever got sunburned out there. “Hold still,” he told me again. And when he was done, I gave him a $10 bill and he handed me a rolledup page. I turned around and he was suddenly gone but, Leo, I will pass along that when I unrolled what I hoped would be the very best picture I’d seen of me, it was instead a printed message that I think was meant for you: “Hold still.”

VIRGO

I’ve made a huge mistake, Virgo. I waited until I was actually hungry before I ordered my pizza. Now the tracker on the website says it should arrive in 90 minutes. So I could snack. I could eat an apple and some crackers and maybe a hunk of cheese. But then I’ll be too full when the pizza gets here and it won’t taste as good. Or I could wait and get hungrier and hungrier while I think about the pizza. What if it’s not here in 90 minutes and I starve? What if I eat a bowl of cereal and then the pizza shows up early and I’m not even hungry? It’s hard to plan for the future, Virgo. It’s hard to do just the right thing because you never know what’s really coming next. We just have to make our best guess based on the information we have.

LIBRA

Don’t you just hate it when you’re sitting comfortably watching TV and you want to go to the other room to grab a root beer but when you put your foot on the ground you realize that your leg has fallen asleep and you’ve got that terrible pins-and-needles feeling all the way down? Sometimes it just takes a while to get the blood flowing again, Libra. But don’t rush yourself. There’s no need. You’ve got time. That root beer will stay plenty cold until you’re ready to move.

SCORPIO

Can I ask you a question, Scorpio? I mean, obviously, I’ve already asked you a question and, obviously, I can’t hear your answer anyway. Maybe this was a silly way to start. What I really mean is that it’s a good time for you to ask yourself a question and the question that I think you should ask yourself is this: “Is this good enough for me?”

SAGITTARIUS

I’m so embarrassed, Sagittarius. The pizza guy came to the door and I took the pizzas and I said thanks, but I didn’t tip because I thought I’d tipped on the website but then I looked at the receipt and there was no tip and now I’m afraid he’s gonna think I’m the kind of person who doesn’t tip. What would you do? I could just order another pizza and tip double but then what if I get a different pizza guy and then that guy gets the double tip and the new guy tells everybody I’m a great tipper and then the first guy feels even worse like he must have done something wrong? It’s hard not to focus on what other people might think about you, Sagittarius, but sometimes things happen that you just have to let go of. Sure, right your wrongs where you can. Then move forward. And be ready to do it better next time.

CAPRICORN

I always hate it on those reality shows when they make the contestants pick somebody from the group to vote out. I always think that if I were on the show I would just volunteer at that point because I couldn’t stand voting for anybody and I also couldn’t stand knowing that people were voting for me. But that’s just TV, Capricorn. In your real life you do get to decide who you spend your time with. I’m not saying you need to vote anybody out. I just think you could be more intentional about who you bring in.

AQUARIUS

There’s that part in The Lord of the Rings where Tom Bombadil asks Frodo, “Who are you, alone, yourself and nameless?” and I think about that sometimes, Aquarius. Who is the you that is deeper than your name, further down than your feelings, underneath your thoughts? Who is the you that is watching you decide what to do next, the you who experiences your actions but does not create them? Take a deep breath and wonder about that for just a few seconds. Then you can go back to singing your song.

PISCES

It’s hard to know when to stop eating pizza, Pisces. I mean, that first slice is so amazing and it just sends you straight into the second one. By the third slice, it’s more about getting your money’s worth and beyond that you’re just trying to prove what you’re capable of. It’s like that with a lot of things, Pisces. It’s perfect at the beginning and so you keep going and then you realize you’re just doing it because you can. Think it over before your next slice.

ARIES

There are different ways of being afraid, Aries. For instance, I’m afraid of sea monsters, but that doesn’t usually affect my day to day life. I’m also afraid of dancing, which may very well keep me from experiencing life to the fullest. If you have to pick one of your fears to work through, Aries, I think pick the one that gets in the way the most often. When those sea monsters see you dancing their direction, they’ll swim the other way.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained plesiosaur, or a registered pizza delivery guy. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1