HOBOSCOPES

TAURUS

I don’t mean to sound confrontational, but just who do you think you are, Taurus? Do you think you’re the things you’ve done and the things you plan to do? Do you think you’re the mind that decides your actions, plots your future, and processes your past? Are you the feelings that you have about the things that happen to you? Or could it be that you’re someone else entirely? Are you the quiet passenger in the backseat of your mind who observes your actions, watches your thoughts, and experiences your emotions? They say there is no “I” in “Taurus.” Maybe they just haven’t looked far enough behind the eyes.

GEMINI

I’m not sure if I’ve ever been this sore, Gemini. Four hours working in the garden — bending over to dig up the thick carpet of weeds that had taken over. Just a half-day’s work at a bad angle. Two days later and I can’t really sit down without taking it in three slow stages. Standing back up? Forget about it. You may find, Gemini, that some of your emotional muscles are a little out of practice lately. You may be sore from working things out at a new angle. Give yourself grace and a couple of days. Then get back out in the weeds. It’s the only way you’ll get to plant the future you’re looking for.

CANCER

There’s nothing like the thrill of waking up 30 minutes after your alarm didn’t go off, splashing some water on your face, and flying out the door to get to work before anybody notices you’re late. I know you live for the adrenaline, Cancer, but once you get in the car I want you to do me a favor. Take three deep breaths. Now realize that you can’t really get there any faster. Don’t speed. Don’t run stop signs. How much time could you possibly save? 30 seconds? As in all things, you’ll arrive when you arrive, Cancer. Everything in your life is happening exactly on time.

LEO

Worker bees are famous for working. It’s really all they do with their short six-week life. But, at the end of their days, surrounded by their siblings, at least they get to look at that bustling hive and know that they produced 1/12 of a teaspoon of honey. Maybe you’re working too hard, Virgo. Sure, there’s a payoff. You’re making good stuff. But in the course of a life, there’s only so much you can create. Maybe take some time off from your 1/12 of a teaspoon and have some experiences that remind you that although you’re small the world is full of beautiful flowers.

VIRGO

I pulled all the weeds out of the garden. So now I’ve got this nice, clean garden bed that’s ready to receive plants. But I’ve also got this big pile of weeds that I’m not sure what to do with. I used to just throw them over the back fence, but somebody just built a new house back there and they probably wouldn’t want these in their driveway. I know you’ve been doing a lot of work to make changes lately, too, Virgo. And you’ve pulled out a lot of what’s been getting in your way. But before you plant your beautiful new life, you may need to get rid of the old stuff to keep it from coming back. That garden is your responsibility. So are the weeds.

LIBRA

I’ve heard that if the earth was the size of a basketball, the moon would be the size of a tennis ball. The sun, in this scenario, would be the size of a large ferris wheel. At this point, we’re putting together a pretty fun day out. Shoot some hoops. Toss a ball at the dog park. Go on all the rides at that little carnival by the car dealership. And think about how small we all are and how we’re just like a little ball floating in space, connected to nothing and infinitely indebted to gravity and the fusion of hydrogen and helium. Enjoy the afternoon, Libra. Maybe take another spin on the bumper cars. — each one is about the size of Neptune, if you’re keeping up.

SCORPIO

Are you a Scorpio? You look like a Scorpio. I can always tell, but I guess I’ve had a lot of training. One of the things I’ve learned in my study of the stars is that people love to read about themselves and what they’re supposed to be like and how they’re supposed to act. The problem is when people use that as an excuse to stop exploring themselves. Sure, Scorpio, you fit some patterns. We all do. But there’s more to you than that. We all see it. If you look a little further in, you will too.

SAGITTARIUS

I bought some little tomato plants, and some little peppers. I bought some zucchini plants and some eggplant plants (I even wore my eggplant pants to the eggplant plant plant.). But when I space these out in the garden, there just isn’t enough room. I tend to think I can squeeze in one more okra or fit another melon in the corner. But if I pack too many into this little space, nothing is gonna have the room to thrive. Are you packing-in too much, Sagittarius? If you want your zucchinis to get big and strong, you may need fewer peppers. Just give it all a little more space.

CAPRICORN

The envelope that came in the mail today says I can have up to six months with no interest. This is a relief, because I already have so little interest in whatever’s going on inside this envelope. Sometimes I worry that I’m not interested in much. But then I realize I’m just looking in the wrong mailboxes. If you’re feeling uninspired, Capricorn, you may just need to stand up and turn around. Look in a different direction. It may feel silly to pursue something that’s usually so outside your field of vision. But waiting around for the mail truck to show you something good hasn’t been yielding the best results.

AQUARIUS

I don’t know if I believe in reincarnation. I guess I like the idea that I’ll get another chance to do all this again. But I’m afraid it makes me too cynical about other people. “Haven’t you figured this out by now? The light is green!” For all intents and purposes, Aquarius, I think it’s best to treat others as though it’s their first time here. It sure feels like the first time for me. Sure, we all have to figure this stuff out, and we’re doing that just as fast as we are. Be kind. We all just got here.

PISCES

I’ve got so many vegetables planted in the garden! I’ll be able to make a good spicy salsa and a flavorful salad. I’ll have steamed broccoli and baked potatoes. I’ll have a cantaloupe for breakfast and watermelon for dessert. The only problem is, that’s gonna take a couple of months. But I’m hungry now. You’ve planted a lot of good things, too, Pisces. But good things take time. While you wait, don’t get discouraged. You’ll find plenty of things to nourish you until your hard work pays off.

ARIES

There’s a guy talking on the radio about how you can turn your life around. He says you should “turn your mess into your message.” I only half agree with him, Aries. It’s just that I’ve known too many people who go from chaos and confusion straight into offering their services as a life-coach without doing the work in between. You’ve got a lot to give, Aries, and you’ll get your chance. But before you start selling your advice, shine that flashlight into your own basement and make sure you really understand what’s down there and what you can do to clean it out. First, just turn your mess into a mess that you understand better.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a certified mail carrier, or a trained gardener Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1