HOBOSCOPES

TAURUS

You’re getting your own spinoff, Taurus! The Zodiac Extended Universe just greenlit a series starring you! You’ll be the protagonist making all the decisions and watching the results of your actions play out in real time. No need to go it alone though, you’ll have a couple of zany sidekicks, maybe that lovable Virgo and, the crowd-favorite, Capricorn. Honestly, Taurus, I can’t wait to see what you’ll come up with. If you’re ready, you can start today. Begin by focusing on the consequences of some actions you’ve already taken.

GEMINI

Don Giovani is considered one of Mozart’s greatest operas. Some even say it’s one of the greatest operas by anybody ever. The night before Don Giovani premiered Mozart realized he had never written the overture. He needed to compose an opening orchestral piece to set the tone for the entire evening. So, before he went to bed, he sat down and wrote one. He finished just in time–and it was brilliant. You’re one of my favorites, Gemini, but only Mozart is Mozart. Maybe you don’t have to wait until the absolute last minute to get to work on your overture.

CANCER

Did you just get a haircut, Cancer? It looks great! I’m probably about due for one myself, it’s been...quite a while. It’s amazing how changing something so small can make you feel so much different. Like, this morning I cleaned out the fridge, and now I’m seriously considering cleaning the bathroom. You can take your haircut-energy and build on it. What other small changes could add up to something big?

LEO

Sometimes when I drive around town I think about my great great grandfather Balthazaar Melchior Mysterio. He used to live around here. I wonder what he would think if he could see this city today. Would he shake his head at the divisions that continually keep us from treating each other with love and decency? Would he shudder to realize that with all our technological advancements we still allow poverty to exist and spread? Or would he just stand on the side of the road staring at one of those digital billboards where the picture changes every 10 seconds, trying to figure out how it works? The truth is, Leo, it doesn’t matter what our great great grandparents might think of us. The only person you have to impress is you.

VIRGO

It’s hard to get the ratio just right. You pour in the cereal. Then you pour in the milk. You eat the cereal but then you’ve still got some milk left. Better pour in some more cereal, Virgo. Actually, that’s a little too much. You’ll need just a tad more milk. But as you take another spoonful, I can already see, you need just a dash more cereal if you want it to come out even. You know, Virgo, they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but sometimes it’s more important to finish something than to get it just exactly right.

LIBRA

Teenagers are about to invade your neighborhood, Libra! Seventeen year old flying insects to be specific. They’re probably crawling up out of the ground right now, all red eyed and hopped-up on tree-root juice. They had a very sheltered childhood but now they’re ready to cut loose, shed their skins, and fly around screaming and looking for a mate. I mean, you remember what it was like to be seventeen, right, Libra? You used to roll down your window and turn up your favorite song, throw back your head and hit the gas. Maybe you could use a little more of that energy this spring. But maybe don’t roll down your window, a cicada might fly in.

SCORPIO

Make a list of all the things you need to get done this week, Scorpio. Not just the big things, all the little ones too. Washing your dishes, brushing your teeth, ordering dill pickles in bulk from restaurant supply websites, checking your oil, renewing your subscription to Dill Pickle Aficionado magazine, vacuuming the stairs, building a storage shed in the backyard for emergency dill pickles. These are, of course, just examples of things I assume most Scorpios do in an average week. Once you’ve written it all down, I think you’ll feel a little less out of control and a little more ready to take on the days to come. Maybe celebrate with a nice, crisp dill pickle.

SAGITTARIUS

There’s a slight ringing in my ear. I don’t notice it very often, but when things get very quiet it’s always there. Just a high pitched single note that sits on top of the silence. You might find that as things get quieter for you, problems that you’d forgotten about reemerge. It’s not that they ever really went away, you just had enough noise to ignore them. But this is a great opportunity, Sagittarius. Sit in that quiet and give those problems the attention they deserve. They might not go away, but, at the least, you’ll understand them better.

CAPRICORN

I hardly ever remember my dreams, Capricorn, but sometimes I remember yours. This morning I woke up with a hazy memory that there was water pouring in the windows and out of the cabinets and coming in under the door. Listen, if you’re feeling flooded and like you can’t stop everything that’s coming your way, take a deep breath and sit still for a minute. You might not be able to stop the water, but you don’t have to do it all alone. Fill up a bucket and pass it down the line. You’ll find another set of hands and another. Tonight I’ll even see if I can dream us up a raft.

AQUARIUS

Already time to mow the lawn again, Aquarius. That’s the main thing with lawns. You mow them down and then they pop right back up again. I used to find it exhausting. The repetition. The never ending maintenance. But now I find it downright inspirational. No matter how many times I chop it down, the grass never gives up. It always gives it another shot. I guess we owe it at least that much in return.

PISCES

Remember that pizza place where you had your 9th birthday party and Greg Loter unscrewed the cap on the red-pepper shaker and then your dad spilled red-pepper all over his salad and he blamed the waiter who got so mad he dumped his pitcher of Diet Rite on the animatronic gorilla that played drums in the animatronic band so that when they played Louie Louie he didn’t really wave his drumsticks around anymore he just sat there and slowly blinked his animatronic eyelids? It just reminds me, Pisces, how one small action can lead to unexpected, but amazing, consequences.

ARIES

Everybody thinks the goal is to get to the center of the labyrinth and climb the tower and defeat the minotaur. Sure, that’s one way to get by. But I think you’re doing alright, Aries, just walking around the edge, trimming up the topiaries, counting the cracks between the cobblestones. There’s more than one way to defeat a minotaur. One of the best is to never encounter one in the first place.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered dill pickle aficionado, or an animatronic gorilla. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1