Hoboscopes

HOBOSCOPES

TAURUS

I get it, Taurus, it was bright yellow so you figured it was ripe. But then when you pulled back the peel, you found the fruit was bitter and a little too al dente. My philosophy on the whole thing is a little different than the conventional wisdom. I think bananas are like dalmatians and 12-sided dice. The more little spots, the better. You jumped in a little too soon on that last big break. Maybe this time you can give it a couple more days on the counter before you start peeling.

GEMINI

Did I see you out walking in the woods, Gemini? Yeah, I think you were way down the trail past those two little streams by the big sideways tree. I waved, but you must not have seen. Seemed like you were looking for something. You kept bending over and picking things up and setting them down and shaking your head. I guess most of us have lost a piece of ourselves in the woods. Something we wanted to hide. Something too wild. Don’t stop looking if you didn’t find it yet. That part of you is still out there. Wander further. Look deeper. What’s that down there?

CANCER

I read that if you eat 2 tablespoons of high-quality olive oil everyday, all your health problems will disappear. Also, if you swish 2 tablespoons of high-quality coconut oil around in your mouth every day, all your tooth problems will vanish. Also, if you rub your head with 2 tablespoons of high-quality mineral oil everyday, all your dandruff problems will evaporate. Honestly, Cancer, this is starting to sound like a lot of oil. Take care of yourself today, whatever you feel like that means. Sometimes that means letting go of getting it all just right. That’s slippery business.

LEO

Remember the last week of 5th grade, Leo, when Mrs. Bridges was so tired of trying to keep us all quiet and educated, that she finally just walked us over to the bleachers at the high school and let us choreograph our own acapella performance of “Livin’ On A Prayer.” I wonder what ever happened to the giant foam guitar we made, and whatever happened to the kid who fell off the back stairs right before the key change, and whatever happened to Mrs. Bridges? Anyway, Leo, I know you’re feeling a little done with this week and you’re ready for the better things coming this summer, and I think it’s OK if you just want to go outside and sing until the next thing is ready. Give it a shot.

VIRGO

You know how it is, Virgo, you finally get all your ducks in a row and then the badgers break out of their pentagonal pyramid formation and while you’re wrangling them, the crocodiles, which have spent all morning marching clockwise in a nearly perfect circle, decide to start marching in the opposite direction. Maybe those ducks weren’t yours to line up to begin with. Maybe they just want to swim around in an undulating sinewave. The sphere of ladybugs was a brilliant concept, but does the world really need it, or are you just trying to control something?

LIBRA

It’s true, Libra. You are one day closer to finishing this project! You’re one day closer to your next big success! You’re one day closer to the future you’ve been building for so long! You’re one day closer to the eventual heat death of the universe! Wait, wait, I went a little too far ahead. Maybe always looking into the future to find your peace is a losing proposition. What are three things about this moment that are already exactly as they should be?

SCORPIO

Writer, teacher, and poet Bayo Akomolafe is fond of quoting the Yoruba proverb “The times are urgent, let us slow down.” I guess I’m fond of quoting him quoting it. I thought of you, because I know you’re feeling a lot of that urgency right now. And it sounds foolish to slow down. But I think, Scorpio, that slowing down is how we’re going to discover the next right thing to do. We’ll stay active, but not be quite so reactive. You can quote me on that.

SAGITTARIUS

Do you remember, Sagittarius, when the night sky went on strike? It was just a few years back. The Stars were tired of doing all the work for astrologers and not getting enough of the credit. So they just stopped showing up. Night after night, amateur astrologers like me would try to determine the astrological fate of our expectant zodiac, but we would look up to find nothing in the sky but a lonely moon and some drifting satellites. We worked things out. Turns out The Stars mostly just wanted proper recognition and three weeks of paid vacation every eon. It reminds me though, Sagittarius, that if you’re feeling like you don’t have the power to make change, see if anybody around you might join up.

CAPRICORN

You wake up in a desert. It’s just after sunset and the flat horizon gives the same dim-orange glow in every direction. You’re wearing exactly what you have on now and you feel a bit dizzy. In your pocket, you find an unopened Moon Pie, a matchbook with one match left, and a pamphlet called “What To Do If You Wake Up In a Desert.” The light is fading fast and coyotes begin to howl in the distance. What do you do, Capricorn? How do you feel? Oh, I forgot to mention, your four favorite people are there too. They’ve got a 24 pack of Gatorade, a satellite radio, and a Jeep. You’re not alone, Capricorn. Stop planning everything like you are.

AQUARIUS

One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, POP! POP! One-one-thousand, POP! One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, POP! POP! POP! I don’t want to take the bag out of the microwave too soon, Aquarius, because I want to get my money’s worth. POP! But I know if I let it go to long, POP! POP! then all the popcorn will get burned. POP! The truth is, Aquarius, we hardly ever time these things just perfectly. POP! There’s more guesswork than anybody wants to admit. POP! POP! I think just go with your instinct. POP! And you’ll get what you need. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

PISCES

We used to call it “Bible times,” but apparently historians refer to it as “the late bronze age.” In any case, Pisces, there was no air conditioning then. I think that’s probably what most of the ancient wars were fought over. It was just too hot and nobody knew what to do about it. These days we’ve got lots of air conditioning, but we still fight too much over who gets to use it for how long and when. If the people of the late bronze age could see us now, they wouldn’t believe it! All this cool, clean air, and still squabbling over who’s invited. Anyway, Pisces, share your space today if you can.

ARIES

I went to my dentist’s office for my appointment yesterday but everything was in the wrong place. Turns out my old dentist sold her practice to some new guy. So now I have this new step-dentist who thinks he can tell me when to floss and how often to change my toothbrush. You’re not the boss of me! You’re not even my real dentist! Sometimes, Aries, good advice comes from someplace we’re not ready to trust yet. Get some distance and think it through. Do you mistrust the facts or the source?

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a certified dentist, or a trained historian. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1