HOBOSCOPES

TAURUS

During the Late Cretaceous period, when the Tyrannosaurus was king of the dinosaurs, the earth spun faster than it does now. A day lasted about 23½ hours and there were 372 days in a year. That means a Tyrannosaurus had to wait an extra seven days between birthdays. I would guess that this severely limited the birthday cake consumption of most dinosaurs. Maybe that’s why they became extinct, Taurus. We’ll never know for sure, but I would recommend that you get all the birthday cake you can just in case.

GEMINI

They say the early bird gets the worm, Gemini. They say that because they want you to feel like there aren’t enough worms to go around. And they want you to feel like you’re in a competition with all the other birds. And they think that will keep you so busy and preoccupied that you’ll never even wonder who they are or what they get out of all us birds waking up so early just to get another worm. What would happen if you set your alarm clock for a little later? What if you didn’t set it at all?

CANCER

Over the past several thousand years, humanity has come up with a lot of ideas about what happens to the human soul after death. You’ve got various heavens and all sorts of hells but my favorite one lately is purgatory. It’s that in-between place where souls go to wait. The thing I like about purgatory is that it’s so much like how we live our lives already. As though we’re just in an in-between place, waiting for something else to happen. If you’re feeling stuck this week, Cancer, there’s an easy way out of purgatory. Just make a decision. Just move forward.

LEO

There’s a big shiny spider spinning a web outside my back window. She’ll probably do pretty well up there under the porch light right above the compost bin. Lots of little bugs flying around up there. It almost seems unfair. But sometimes, Leo, you just find yourself in the right place for success. If that’s where you’re at today, under the porch light right above the compost bin, go ahead and get into position. Maybe you deserve the good things that are flying your way.

VIRGO

I’ve got a 17-year-old cat, a 13-yearold dog, and a 9 year-old-goldfish so I spend a lot of time feeling like something is about to go terribly wrong. Sometimes life stretches out in the same way for a long time. Sometimes things can change very quickly. Try not to be too afraid of either of those things, Virgo. You can’t control what happens next, but you can stay on the ride.

LIBRA

Imagine a town with a wall around it. Inside the wall there’s parks and schools and movie theaters and carwashes. Outside the wall there’s not much of anything. The people outside the wall know it. They feel it all the time. They’ve got no access and no resources. But the people inside the wall hardly think about it at all. Which one are you, Libra? If you’re an insider, it may be time for you to start talking about the wall. If you’re an outsider, it may be time to make a bit more noise.

SCORPIO

You realize you can time travel, right Scorpio? It’s pretty simple. You can go anywhere in the past that you’ve ever been, you just have to keep your eyes closed the whole time. Try it. Just close your eyes and think about the time you played Marco Polo in the pool with your cousins from breakfast till dinner. Keep your eyes closed. Maybe you’re really there. Isn’t that better than scrolling through feeds on your phone? When do you want to go to next?

SAGITTARIUS

For a while, it was just so nice to be going back inside your favorite places again. But now you might find some other old habits coming back. Like this morning, when you waited in line too long at the donut shop and the person in front of you was taking way too long with his order and the staff was being too chatty with the other customers and they didn’t get to you for at least 10 minutes and you started feeling like you deserved better. Those are the moments when you need to take a deep breath in and a deep breath out and try to find that gratitude you had such easy access to a few weeks ago.

CAPRICORN

People used to talk about how you should drink eight glasses of water every day. But now nobody drinks out of glasses. We’ve all got plastic cups or metal water flasks or wooden canteens. How many of those are you supposed to drink a day, Capricorn? I guess sometimes the medium changes but the message stays the same. If your audience doesn’t understand glasses anymore, learn to talk in liters.

AQUARIUS

I used to walk around afraid of dying all the time. I mean, there are so many different things that could kill a person. But one day I realized that out of all those things, only one of them is gonna get me. Why should I be so afraid of the rest? I’ll probably never be eaten by a lion. I’ll probably never be dropped out of a helicopter into an active volcano. I’ll probably never get my shoelace caught in the porthole of a descending submarine. So why be afraid of those things? Why would you waste perfectly good fear on something that’s never even going to happen? And since you can’t know what’s going to happen, why fear at all?

PISCES

Where can you get a good burger around here, Pisces? Honestly, if the fries are good enough, the burger doesn’t even have to be that great. Come to think of it, if there’s enough ketchup, the fries don’t even have to be that great. Where can I get some good ketchup around here, Pisces? It’s important to figure out what you’re really looking for.

ARIES

One time when I was in junior high we had a school assembly with all the 7th and 8th graders in the auditorium. They brought out a guy called Juggling Jim who, you guessed it, juggled. But while he juggled he told us stories about how we should stay off drugs and pay attention in class and listen to our teachers. I don’t know if his message got through, but after the assembly Mrs. Bridges had to send four kids to the principal’s office because they wouldn’t stop trying to juggle things during class. Sometimes, Aries, people pay more attention to how you say something than to what you’re saying. If you can make those two things line up, you’ll have a winning act.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered juggler, or an active volcano. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1