HOBOSCOPES

GEMINI

Everything is getting faster, but somehow it’s getting sadder, too. It’s all so new and important and improved. And the tragedies and the disasters just get bigger and closer together and the ads between videos get louder and longer. This isn’t how I thought the future would feel, Gemini. But you can change the pace. You can control the feed and slow your scroll. When it’s too fast and too sad, Gemini, I like to start with one deep breath in. You can take it from there.

CANCER

Every couple years it’s probably a good idea to scroll back through all those posts and tweets and see what you were talking about five years ago or 10 years ago. This might be a good week for that. Also, take the opportunity to delete anything that your past self didn’t realize you wouldn’t want your future employers or friends or grandchildren to see. All of this used to feel temporary, but it turns out it’s kind of permanent, Cancer. Keep an eye on your past and use it to inform your future.

LEO

I think it’s time for some new kinds of superheroes, Leo. Like, we’ve got all the ones that fly and read minds and throw cars and stuff. What about a superhero who captures tourism dollars and puts them back into the community to make life in a city more livable for all residents? I’m just throwing out ideas here. Anyway, Leo, The Stars indicate that your particular super powers may be called upon in a new way this week. You probably won’t even have to throw a car.

LIBRA

Due to a recent round of layoffs and some reshuffling of roles, The Stars were unable to foresee anything for Libra for the immediate future. The Stars indicate that all departments should be back in (newly efficient) working order in the next cycle, and that if Libras are unable to wait they’re always free to borrow from Aquarius or Pisces, whichever one feels right. Thank you for your understanding.

SCORPIO

It’s a story told in every culture in every century. The hero goes out into the world and then the hero returns. So what did you find out there, Scorpio? Did you change the world or did it change you? Whatever happened, you made it back. You brought your self and your story. Tell it when you get the chance. Maybe the change followed you here.

SAGITTARIUS

Are you worried, Sagittarius? You look worried. When things get overwhelming and those anxious feelings start rushing in, I’ve found that it’s the best thing to do is find a pen and paper and draw a hotdog. Don’t look up a picture, just go from memory. Maybe it’s got mustard and relish. Maybe it’s got arms and legs and a tophat. Go for photorealism or surrealism or just a shape that evokes the idea of a hotdog. Give it at least three minutes. Then turn the page and draw another one. Now you’re a hotdog artist! What could a hotdog artist possibly have to be worried about?

AQUARIUS

It’s hot out there, Aquarius. Do you want one of these freezer pops? I’ve still got Gary Grape, Peggy Papaya and Mable Mango. (The Charlie Cherries always go first and Capricorn took all the Lester Lemons when they thought I wasn’t looking.) Anyhow, take your pick. All I ask is that you don’t try to bite the wrapper open. Use the scissors on the counter. I know you’re in a hurry but using the right tools for the job makes less work later. Oh, that may apply to other situations as well. Enjoy.

PISCES

It seems like loss is in the air lately, Pisces. You can take a deep breath and you can try to hold it in, but eventually you have to let it go. We’re made to grasp and cling. It’s what keeps us alive. But nothing we love can stay long enough and so we end up grieving for what we had. Even the grief can’t stay, Pisces. Hold it for as long as you need to, but when it’s ready let the grief go. It’s the only way to make room for the next breath.

ARIES

Sometimes I wish we could switch places, Aries, like in one of those movies. I’d suddenly have your worries and you’d have mine. We’d understand each other better and when you look at your problems from the outside they always seem smaller and more solvable. Plus, I’d bet if you worked on my issues for about 20 minutes, you could fix most of them with time to spare. But we can’t swap, Aries. Still, I’ll be around to listen. And I know I could use some help too. We’ll just have to keep switching places the old fashioned way. By talking it through.

VIRGO

The original music streaming service was just called “birds.” It played outside your window every morning whether you wanted it to or not. Usually the same repetitive song. And about the time you made peace with it, it would change to something louder and shorter and higher pitched. It was free so people just went with it. These days we’ve got more choices. But sometimes it’s nice to take out your headphones, turn toward the wind, and just let the world tell you what to listen to.

CAPRICORN

You keep checking that weather app to see what’s going to happen next and then you check that other app to see what just happened. Sure, rain is in the forecast. News is in the pastcast. But all you really need to know, Capricorn, is what’s in the nowcast. The best app for that is the timer. Set it for 10 minutes and put your phone down. Don’t touch it until it goes off. Keep your head up. Look around. What do you see? What do you hear? How do you feel? Next time set the alarm for 15.

TAURUS

Before the internet, if I wanted to know how old Keith Richards is I would have to walk over to my neighbor’s house and knock on the door. I’d want to be polite so I’d ask about his day and his weekend plans. We’d chat and he’d show me the rock tumbler he kept in his garage and then I’d say “speaking of Rolling Stones, Dwayne…” and I’d pop the question. This is a good week to meet your neighbors, Taurus. You may think you have everything you need at the push of a button, but some connections are irreplaceable.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a certified social media consultant, or a trained hot dog artist Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1