HOBOSCOPES

GEMINI

It’s harder to get lost these days. It used to be that if you got invited to dinner at a house you’d never been to you needed directions and an atlas, maybe a compass and a basic understanding of which side of the tree grows moss. Now I just tell my phone where I want to go and it tells me how to get there, every step of the way. But sometimes, Gemini, it helps to get a little lost. When you’re lost, you pay more attention. You notice the details. You figure out how to solve the problem. Or you end up eating dumplings at a Nepali restaurant you never saw before. Don’t worry so much about getting there on time or at all. Just look around and see where you are.

CANCER

If you’re unsure, just listen to your heart. No, not metaphorically, Cancer, literally. Can you hear it? Your heart? Probably not. Can you feel it? Maybe if you gently lay your finger on your wrist or your temple you’ll notice the rhythm. One beat following another and then another. As long as you’re around, your heart will keep this up, Cancer. You constantly depend on that steady, ever-present rhythm. You’re probably still unsure, but at least now you’re more aware. Even if you can’t get to the answer, you can probably get to the next beat, and the next.

LEO

Remember the time the guy in front of you in line at the drugstore walked toward the automatic doors and the the alarm started going off and he turned around looking confused and the cashier walked over to search his bags and it finally turned out it was because the beard-trimmer he bought still had the security tag on it and the guy kept apologizing even though it obviously wasn’t his fault. That guy was me, Leo. And I just wanted to say thanks for smiling and saying “no problem” even though you had to wait in line an extra couple of minutes. You never know what kind of day somebody else is having.

VIRGO

Every time I start to sort through all the junk in my basement I have to stop every 15 minutes to wonder, “Is this worth anything?” And then I get derailed checking Ebay to see if an unopened King of the Hill figure from 1999 might sell for more than $10. Then I imagine taking a picture of it and listing it and packaging it up and shipping it off and it’s all so overwhelming that I just leave it on the shelf where it was before. Sometimes, Virgo, you hold onto things or feelings or ways of thinking about yourself that you suspect might be worth something, but you know they aren’t doing you any good. It might be time to just let them go.

LIBRA

How low does this gas tank go, Libra? It got down to the “E” and then it got one bar below the “E” and now that bar is blinking yellow. But you really want to keep going past this exit? If you’re on empty, Libra, or even if you can feel yourself getting close, go ahead and get off here. I know you’ve got important places to go and important things to do, but you won’t do anybody any good stuck on the side of the road. Give yourself permission to stop moving forward. Refuel. And don’t get back out there until you’ve got enough.

SCORPIO

My egg had two yolks in it this morning. Some people think that’s a sign of good luck, a double-blessing heading my way. Some people think it’s a harbinger of death. Some people think it predicts a delicious breakfast. I know you’ve been looking for meaning lately, Scorpio. But this morning reminded me that sometimes the meaning you get is the meaning you choose. It may not be clear what this is all pointing toward, so just pick the one you like the best and point yourself toward that one.

SAGITTARIUS

My landlord said he was coming over on Tuesday to fix the leak coming from my fridge so I cleaned the kitchen. But then he texted to tell me he was postponing to Thursday which gave me time to vacuum and wipe that burrito stain off the front door. But he couldn’t make it on Thursday either so I mopped and dusted the corners in case he comes tomorrow. My fridge still leaks but my apartment looks better than ever, Sagittarius. You never really know what’s coming next, but you might know what you want to have finished when it gets here. Do that.

CAPRICORN

Some days it seems like the whole universe exists in perfect harmony. Everything has its place and its purpose. Well, everything except ticks. And, if you really get into it, I guess chiggers and fleas and mosquitos are all pretty problematic in this equation as well. Sometimes, Capricorn, you encounter something that doesn’t have a purpose. It’s irritating, it’s painful, it’s troublesome and it doesn’t even build character. If that’s where you’re at today then I’m sorry. I feel like you really deserve better. Hold on through this tick or mosquito of a moment. I can’t promise it will be worth it, but I can promise to go with you.

AQUARIUS

They told me to look at the data, Aquarius. They said the answers were right there in the research. I looked and all I found was the data and the research. The answers were nowhere near. I think it’s valuable to be familiar with the facts. I think it’s important to know what’s happening. But I also think we can’t go confusing the information for the meaning. You’ll know the answer when you get to it, Aquarius. Don’t stop at the data.

PISCES

You’re made of ideas, Pisces. Tiny bits of energy — protons, electrons. The little bolts of electricity that create the thoughts in your brain are made of the same stuff that form the cells of your toenails. It’s all one thing. And if you are energy in motion and if your ideas are just the same, then I can’t think of a single good reason why your ideas can’t become solid realities. They practically are already.

ARIES

Someday all the cars will be driverless, Aries. Will you sit in the front seat or the back? It won’t matter, but I’m sure you’ll have a preference. You’ll sit in the driverless car and it will take you just precisely where you want to go. Where is that, Aries? It feels like these days you only go where you have to go, but imagine the future where the car is driving you exactly where you want. The door opens. Is it the front door or the back? You step out of the car? Where have you arrived?

TAURUS

And now I turn my full and complete attention to Taurus. I’ve looked deep into the stars focused fully on finding your fate and I’ve found something that might change everything for you. Wait. I’m sorry, hold on one second, I really have to take this call...actually, Taurus, if I could get back to you later, this shouldn’t take too long. We’ll talk again soon. It’s just, this call is pretty important. Thanks for understanding. Hello? Is that still you, Taurus. Hang on, I’ll try again.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered auctioneer, or a driverless car. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1