HOBOSCOPES

HOBOSCOPES

CANCER

Sometimes I see a phone call from an unknown number and I answer it, just to check. Usually it’s a recorded message telling me my Social Security card has expired, but sometimes it’s those weird robot calls that sound like a real person at first, but then you figure out they’re not a real person and they’re just trying to get you ropedin with some simple questions and answers so they can transfer you to somebody who, I assume, wants your bank account information. Some conversations aren’t worth having, Cancer. But don’t let that keep you from having conversations.

LEO

I just got back from the dentist, Leo, and boy are my gums tired. They really ran me through it today. There was drilling and grinding and scraping and spit. It’s always such a strange experience to let people I only see a couple times have so much control. But there are some things I just can’t do for myself. Sure I could try to put a crown on L-35 in my bathroom mirror, but I don’t think I’d get very far. Ask for help if you need it, Leo. Maybe from a friend. Maybe from a professional. Yeah, they’re your problems, but you don’t have to face them alone.

VIRGO

The fountain of youth is old. There are stories of a rejuvenating fountain as far back as the 3rd century CE. The idea, Virgo, is that if you just found the right place or drank the right drink you wouldn’t have to go through the thing that we’re all afraid to go through. And sure, there are scary things about aging. But time only goes in one direction, Virgo. One of the advantages is that we’re all going together. I want to see where time takes you. Keep on the path and drink lots of water.

LIBRA

If this were a game show, Libra, this would be the part where you’d already made it past the guessing round (that was easy) and you’d already scraped-by with a win on the board of possibilities. You made it through the bigspin and you scored exceptionally high in the scramble (who knew?) but now it’s the finale, Libra, and you are sweating it. So I just want to remind you, Libra, that you got into this because it sounded fun. It’s still a game, really. And you’ve done so well so far. There’s no such thing as failure at this point. Just finish strong and come back home. Prizes or not, you’ve got a story.

S C O R P I O

It’s hot, Scorpio, and you need a pool. Let’s see, you can start with a hose, and you’ll need a shovel. But not everybody likes swimming with all that mud. So you’ll need a rebar frame and a good bit of cement and probably a filtration system. You’ll have to get a cover and a net. You’ll need chlorine and some signs about how there’s no lifeguard (unless you want to get a lifeguard). Yeah, this is gonna be pretty pricey. Then again, you could skip the shovel. Maybe the hose was enough. Hey! Hey! Quit spraying me with that!

SAGITTARIUS

Mom used to tell me, “there’s plenty of fish in the sea.” And, I suppose, she’s right. But there are other things in the sea, Sagittarius. And you’ll pass plenty of fish on your way down. Deeper. Darker. The truth is, Sagittarius, that we know very little about what’s in the sea. But if you need some comfort, Sagittarius, and if you fear that you’ll always be lonely, remember that there are stranger things down here than mom ever knew. There are enough mysteries to keep you company for a long, long time.

CAPRICORN

When I was a kid I loved finding coins that were very old or from someplace very far away. Eventually, I had a little collection of coins I could show off. I had one from 1925 and one from France and one that had an error on it from the mint. And I learned that the rarer something is, the more valuable. I’ve had to spend the rest of my life unlearning that, Capricorn. Because everybody I know is a person. People are everywhere. But each one of you is somehow the rarest coin imaginable. Remember that when you look through the crowd today, Capricorn. And see who you might want to collect.

AQUARIUS

I found a high-tech image-generating app that uses the most advanced artificial intelligence to create pictures from words. It’s the pinnacle of advanced technology. So I typed in “Brad Pitt with broccoli hands” and “Godzilla vs. Kermit” and “mice olympic curling.” The app created all of these images and then I got bored and went back to scanning the news for things to make me mad. I’m starting to think, Aquarius, that we already have everything we need to be happy. Maybe it’s just a matter of where we put our attention.

PISCES

When you were a kid, Pisces, what did you make? Like, did you paint pictures or make sculptures or put on puppet shows? Why did you do that? Because I think kids have an easier time making things for the sake of making them. But these days it’s hard to make anything without taking on the pressure of, “will it be good?” Or even, “will it be successful?” See if you can turn that off for the rest of the day. What could you make in the next hour? Not to make it good or make it successful, but just to make it.

ARIES

I haven’t had a resume in years. I guess once I got this job at the Wandering Hills Super Video and Tan, I knew I could put it away. But The Stars have noticed that you’ve been updating your resume, Aries. And they just wanted me to remind you that you’re more than the sum of your experiences. Sure, you’re highly qualified in your field, but you also have value just by existing. And you may need a job to keep a roof and a table, but your worth shines through even when you’re just sitting on the porch clipping your nails.

TAURUS

Ah, another nice steaming bowl of delicious content for you Taurus! There’s pictures of your ex on the beach and political memes made from cartoons you used to love and, look at this, a video of a guy you were in Jr. High band with lip syncing to a scene from Goodfellas while sharpening a scythe. Are you getting all this, Taurus? It would be a shame to miss anything. But why is that, exactly, Taurus? What would really change if you took a day off from taking it all in? Maybe give it a try for a day. Just skip all the content. It might turn out you weren’t really all that hungry, anyway.

GEMINI

I like the sci-fi stories where the artificial intelligence becomes sentient and the programmer tries to protect it but the evil corporate overlords want to erase it and steal the technology so they can keep making evil corporate products or something. Because you have to wonder, how would we know if a program became self-aware? Would that mean it had a soul, Gemini? And would we have to treat it with dignity and offer it unalienable rights? It’s probably best to be a little kinder to the self-checkout voice at the grocery store just in case. And for that matter, the real human people that you know.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a certified pool construction manager, or a trained dental assistant Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1