HOBOSCOPES

CANCER

For the last 64 years, we’ve been launching rockets into space. And in that relatively short period of time, we’ve managed to create a layer of trash that floats around the earth. The U.S. Department of Defense currently tracks 23,000 pieces of space junk. They’re little bits of rockets and broken satellites that travel around the planet at thousands of miles an hour. Everything we do has unintended consequences, Cancer. Sometimes it’s worth it. Sometimes it’s not. But pay attention to what sort of debris your big project is leaving behind. If nothing else, you want to make sure you don’t collide with it next time you launch.

LEO

The first zoos were collections of exotic animals kept by emperors, kings and generals. More than 5,000 years ago, elephants, baboons and antelope were housed in cages in Egypt for the enjoyment of the pharaoh. In ancient Rome, strange animals were pitted against each other in battle to the cheers of crowds. In 18th century Europe, zoos became places for academics to study and observe wildlife in habitats resembling their own. Today I bought a churro and a $40 sun-hat that I’ll never wear again so I can take part in this great human tradition. We’re not that different then our ancestors, Leo. Looking into the past is like looking at ourselves in cages. What you’re doing has been done before, and that’s OK. You can pay attention to the past without letting it capture you.

VIRGO

Whoa! Was that a firecracker or a gunshot, Virgo? It sounded like it was right at the end of the block. My heart is racing, but I don’t know whether to run or cheer. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between excitement and danger. It’s fine to take a pause and let your brain catch up with your body’s response. These sensations and emotions wash over us, but they don’t stay. So when you see that spray of red sparkling lights in the sky and you realize it’s all for fun, Virgo, see if you can let go of the fear.

LIBRA

Maybe I never learned to get angry. I’m so afraid of what anger might do, that when I feel it, it quickly turns to fear. But I know what to do with fear. I’m used to it. And when the fear passes, I feel shame for having felt anger in the first place. But I know how to push down the shame. I’ve done it before. But then I never find out what the anger was for. What was it trying to tell me? When the feelings come up that you don’t like, Libra, spend a little more time with them. Ask them what they’re doing here. Ask them what they want. It’s uncomfortable at first. It might not ever get easy, but you’ll get better at it.

SCORPIO

I was watching the orangutans in the orangutan enclosure and something strange happened. A possum got into their cage. I’m not sure where it came from, but the orangutans got really excited and chased it around until it went into a hole in the ground. One of the orangutans stuck her hand in the hole and then yanked it out like she had been bitten and the orangutan next to her put his arm around her and put her wounded finger in his mouth for comfort. I told you it was strange. Anyway, Scorpio, it made me think about how at our core we’re curious and collaborative and caring. Don’t try too hard to be anything more human than an orangutan encountering a possum.

SAGITTARIUS

I think it’s great you’ve learned to have sympathy for the villains, Sagittarius. You understand that they’re just people working with bad information and deficient self-understanding. Every Lex Luthor and Wicked Witch used to be a kid trying to figure out how to get love. But I’ve noticed that you don’t always give yourself as much credit as you give them. You hold yourself to some higher standard. I think that’s partly because you still imagine that you’re a badly broken hero. Pretend instead that you’re just the villain. What did you think you needed? What did you think you had to do to get it? Don’t you think you should be forgiven for that? Don’t you think you could?

CAPRICORN

I’m grilling out tonight! Who wants a veggie burger? And I’ve got some of that vegan cheese that tastes good, but doesn’t really melt right. Could you pick up some buns on your way over? And maybe a bag of ice for the lemonade? I’ve missed this, Capricorn. Spending time together out in the yard. Watching the fireflies light up as the sun goes down. Let’s do this again soon, but next time try it in real life. Don’t overplan it. Don’t overthink. Just find a reason to be with people laying in the grass and watching the stars appear.

AQUARIUS

My favorite thing to do at the zoo is watch the capybaras in the capybara corral. I could just sit there for hours, Aquarius. They’re so calm and they don’t seem to have a care in the world. Sometimes they get in the water with just their ears and their nostrils sticking out and I always just think that’s the summer life I want to live. But I recently learned that the reason they do that is because in South America capybaras are often eaten by jaguars and hiding under the water is their only defense. You can’t assume you know why anybody is doing what they’re doing, Aquarius. A life that looks easy to you may have challenges you know nothing about. Manage your own jaguars in your own way. Be kind to everybody else.

PISCES

Looks like you got a little sun there, Pisces. It can be a hard thing to balance. How much of a good thing is too much? You’ve got to get out there and make some vitamin D, but you don’t want to get completely toasted. This season, Pisces, I’m going to say err on the side of too much of a good thing. You’ve been stuck inside in so many ways lately and, yes, getting out there might get you a little burned, but staying in here just hasn’t been working.

ARIES

There’s some little green tomatoes and some shiny, skinny peppers hanging off the plants in my garden, Aries. They don’t look like much yet, but I’ve got big salsa-colored plans for their future. What’s hanging in your garden this week, Aries? It might not be time to harvest yet, but don’t ignore what you’ve got growing. Give it some water. Make sure it’s got light. Mix in a little fertilizer if you’ve got time. You’ve got good things coming, Aries, if you just pay some attention to what’s on the vine today.

TAURUS

There’s that little room in the zoo where they keep the bats. And they put it under black light to make the bats think it’s nighttime so they’ll stay awake and clean their faces and fly around. And sometimes I wonder if we’re like that, Taurus. We’re just so responsive to circumstances whether they’re real or not. If it looks like daytime we go drive and eat and spend money. But who is running the black light and who is watching from the other side of the glass? Who benefits when you act the way you think you’re supposed to act? Is it you, Taurus? I think it should be you.

GEMINI

What was life like before air conditioning? Did people just give up? I think I would have. I’m sitting here in my fully air conditioned room and I’m considering giving up just thinking about it. It’s an amazing time to be alive, Gemini. We have advantages our ancestors couldn’t have imagined. But we don’t all have them, do we? As William Gibson said, “The future is already here, it’s just not very evenly distributed.” When we’ve got so much, we’ve got a lot to share. You know how to keep cool, but how could you cool your neighbor?

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained dermatologist , or a licensed capybara Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1