Hoboscopes

CANCER

Famously, pizza is pretty good even when it’s bad. This is not true, however, of peaches. Peaches are perfect when they’re ready. But when they’re bad, they can be pretty bad. Too dry. Too stringy. Too sour. Too wet. You’ve got to find the right peach on the right day. And you’ve been waiting for a while, Cancer, but I think this might be it. I think this might be the time to take a bite out of just what you’ve been waiting for. Stop settling for day after day of mediocre pizza. I think this is the day to give peach a chance.

LEO

It’s not so much the heat, Leo, as the humidity. Well, it’s the heat, too. Really, it’s the whole setup. Heat, humidity, position of the sun, lack of a cold glass of lemonade. All of these factors conspire together to create the very situation we find ourselves in, Leo. I’d recommend tackling your challenges one at a time, starting with the easiest to remedy. Not much you can do about the humidity, but a cold glass of lemonade is probably available if you know where to look.

VIRGO

What’s your favorite dessert, Leo? Mine’s a good thick corner-of-thepan brownie warmed up with a little bit of vanilla ice cream. While we’re at it, what’s your favorite desert? Mine’s the Mojave, but the Sonoran can be really nice, too. It depends on whether I’m in the mood for a joshua tree or a classic saguaro cactus. Maybe we’re not spending enough time with our favorite things, Virgo. We act like favorites are for kids and grown-ups are supposed to just accept whichever dessert or desert we end up with. Spend some time with one of your favorites today.

LIBRA

I was sure I’d planted cucumbers, Libra. The plant grew and a little cucumber appeared. It got a little bigger and then a little more. It was a little too pale and a little too round, but it was getting too big for a cucumber so I picked it. When I cut into it, it wasn’t an overripe cucumber at all. It was a very under ripe watermelon. Make sure you know what you’re picking this week, Libra. You’ll be better off waiting on a watermelon than jumping to cucumber conclusions.

SCORPIO

I don’t always know how I’m feeling, Scorpio. Sometimes I think I’m doing just fine and then I get all choked-up when my computer tells me I’ve “successfully logged in to online banking” and I realize it’s been a really hard week. Have you checked in with yourself today? It might take a little digging, but whatever feelings you’ve got in there, give yourself some time to go ahead and feel them.

SAGITTARIUS

I heard they’re making a gritty prequel to your life, Sagittarius. It’ll be a study of all the bumps and missteps that you came through before you stepped out as the fully-formed protagonist we’ve all come to know and love. I’m looking forward to it, but what I’m really excited about is who you’re going to be next. Maybe today will be the part where you push past the thing that’s been getting in your way for so long. I guess we won’t know until they release the sequel to the prequel.

CAPRICORN

So, what do you want to know, Capricorn? I mean, I’ll tell you anything about me, but I was thinking more “what do you want to know about you?” Of course, I’m not there to tell you, so you’ll have to get there on your own. I’d start with 7 minutes. Just write down your big question, set a timer for 7 minutes, get real quiet and still and see what arises. You might have to do it a couple of times a day. You might have to do it for a few weeks in a row. But the answers tend to come.

AQUARIUS

I was so excited to see little green tomatoes on my big tomato plant. But then they started turning black and getting mushy on the bottom. Turns out, I’ve got blossom-end rot. The tomatoes aren’t getting enough calcium. There’s plenty of calcium in the soil, but the plant doesn’t have enough to spare because I let the plant get too big. So I’ve got to prune it back a bit and cut my losses. Sometimes we take on more than we can handle, Aquarius.

PISCES

Sometimes I think about the Cuyahoga river, Pisces, and how it became so polluted in the 1960s that it caught on fire. Burning water. It’s like a metaphor happening live in real-time. Of course, the Cuyahoga fire of 1969 gave a boost to the blossoming environmental movement. It led to a successful campaign to clean up Cleveland's rivers. What’s on fire for you this week, Pisces? Sure, you can let it burn itself up and it will go away for a while. But if you don’t get to the source of the pollution, it’s going to come back.

ARIES

Justice is harder than I thought, Aries. Let’s say we’ve both got three grapes. Pretty cool. But what if you squash one of my grapes? I’ll just squash one of yours, right? Is that justice? Well, sort of. But now everybody’s got less grapes. What if you give me one of yours, unsquashed? That seems much more just. But are you even sorry for your squashy actions? Or are you just mad now because I’ve got more grapes than you? So what if we split a grape? I guess two and a half grapes is enough for me if it’s enough for you. But how do I know you’re sorry? I’m starting to think there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution for these kinds of problems, Aries. Maybe we start by listening to how everybody feels and what everybody needs. Then we find out what would make it right. Or at least as right as possible with only five grapes left on the table.

TAURUS

I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner, Taurus. I literally just saw your text. I think there’s something wrong with my phone. Well, I mean maybe I did see your text when you sent it but I was probably in the middle of something important and I really wanted to give you the thoughtful response you deserve but then the text was marked as “read” and I forgot about it. I was probably driving. Or at work. Or maybe just scrolling social media? In any case, I’m always glad to hear from you and I never want to make you wait or add to your workload by being slow to respond. What was it you were wanting? I can definitely get back to you on it by tomorrow afternoon.

GEMINI

Ok, Gemini, I’ll count to 20 and you go hide. Ready? 1, 2, 3...I hope you’re finding someplace good. 6, 7, 8...of course, I know you’re extra good at hiding lately. And you’ve had good reason to be. It’s awfully hard to stay out in the open when there are so many forces that are out to get you. 10, 11, 12... but maybe you could turn things around. What if instead of hiding from everything and waiting until it comes and gets you, you decided to take a turn at seeking? 14, 15, 16...I think you’d be really good at it, Gemini. You could look for each of those things you’ve been afraid of, tap them on the head and tell them they’re “out.” Maybe you could start now. 18, 19...Ready or not, here YOU come!

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained desert ecologist , or a licensed dessert technician. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1