Hoboscopes

HOBOSCOPES

CANCER

The little, round, yellow tomatoes from the garden are sweet and the oblong red ones are more sour. I’ve been chopping up the red ones to mix in with beans or pasta or scrambled eggs whenever I remember. But the yellow ones, I just eat right out of the bowl on the counter. I’m just letting you know, Cancer, because sometimes it helps to pay attention to the subtle differences. You’ve got plenty of great tomatoes. If you organize them, you might enjoy them more.

LEO

As an amateur astrologer I pay a lot of attention to the stars and the planets. But recent advancements in telescopic imaging have shown me that the sky has more going on than I’d previously thought. So I still look to the 5,000 visible stars and the 88 constellations that have always served me so well. But now I know that the sky is filled with trillions of galaxies, each teeming with millions of stars creating who knows how many constellations from countless points of view. We do what we can, Leo, with the data we have available. Then when new data arrives, we do even better.

VIRGO

I understand why you don’t want to talk about it, Virgo. Because what if you talk about it and it comes true? Sometimes fear feels that way. Like you’ve got to keep it way down there all covered up and quiet. Maybe practice saying it with nobody around. Just get a little sunlight on it. Try saying your fear out loud when you’re alone. Do that till it feels OK. Then I’d say you’re safe to share it with somebody else. Sometimes when you get it out into the light, it doesn’t look like much of anything. But even if it stays scary, you’ll have us there to back you up.

LIBRA

It’s not so much the heat, Libra. It’s the futility. You wake up to face the day. The day faces you back. By the time you turn around to lock your door, the sweat has started dripping down your neck. It just makes everything a little harder. Libra. It’s not that anything went wrong, it’s just exhausting accomplishing the basics on a day like this. Give yourself a break. You worked your shift. Go ahead and collapse into the air conditioning. You can get back to 100 percent when the humidity drops below 30 percent.

S C O R P I O

The speed of light doesn’t upset me too much most of the time. I guess I understand that light bounces off my cat and then it hits my eye and I experience it as instantaneous. But I also understand that scientists are pointing telescopes at stars so far away, that the light we’re seeing is from billions of years ago. I wonder, Scorpio, if anybody out there is watching us. And if they are, how far away are they? Are they watching Earth 1996? Or maybe 2011? What version of you do you hope they see? When were you at your best? I think it’s right now, Scorpio. Because right now you can make a choice about what to do next. You should come see what my cat is doing.

SAGITTARIUS

Sometimes, Sagittarius, when I’m watching a movie I think about how strange it is that I’m in front of the screen, tuning out everything else and my brain is letting me pretend that what I’m seeing and hearing is all that there is. And afterward, I go outside and look around and I have to wonder if I’m still just pretending. If things are getting dramatic, Sagittarius, remember that there is so much more going on outside your field of view. You may just need a change of scenery.

CAPRICORN

They say birds of a feather flock together, Capricorn. They also say opposites attract. I think they’re just trying to cover all their bases. I say spend your time with whomever makes you feel the most yourself, Capricorn. Whether it’s birds, or…whatever the opposite of birds are. Maybe turtles?

AQUARIUS

Today I saw a picture of a dying star in a nebula 2,000 light years away. It has already shed its outer layers, creating a fluorescing cloud of ultraviolet light. It’s so beautiful and also somehow sad. It’s been collapsing for thousands of years. And will still be fading out for thousands more. Long after I’m gone, it will still be diminishing. But the gradual extinguishing of a star still feels like a lesson in impermanence, Aquarius. Nothing lasts. Be a light.

PISCES

It’s hot, Pisces, and you need a pool. A pool where you can cool off, relax, and enjoy the water. A pool where you can jump and dive and splash until the sun drops below the horizon. A pool where you can see the reflection of the moon and then notice your own captivating visage. You stare into your own eyes. You want to be with the person that you see but when you reach out, you disturb the water and ripples disfigure the face you sought to cradle. You crouch at the edge wanting something you can never have, not comprehending that what you seek is to truly understand and love yourself. It’s hot, Pisces, and you need a pool.

ARIES

So let me get this straight, Aries. We’re basically just made of chemicals? Like oxygen, hydrogen, carbon, nitrogen, that’s pretty much us? And those chemicals form molecular compounds and the molecules form cells and the cells expend energy and the energy requires fuel and the fuel is more chemicals and that’s why we’ve been waiting in line for 25 minutes at this hot dog cart? You’re more than the sum of your parts, Aries. Whatever you’re made of, that’s not you. You’re the one at the front of the line, demanding to be taken seriously even though you only want a dry bun with two pickles on it.

TAURUS

I’ve seen all these amazing pictures of the sky this week, Taurus. And it’s all really beautiful and exciting and humbling. It’s great. But I’m confused about one thing. Where are all the aliens? I figured with this level of technology we’d be able to see all the other earths with all the other people with all their other telescopes. But…nothing so far. Makes me feel a little lonely, Taurus. But here we are. Just you, me, and the other seven and a half billion people on this planet. Feeling lonely and waiting for someone new to fix it. While we wait, Taurus, maybe we should meet some of the folks in our own neighborhoods. Just to pass the time. Until the aliens show up.

GEMINI

I love those shoes, Gemini. They’re so noticeable and classy and unique and they work perfectly with your whole…thing. But are they comfortable? I’m not trying to start anything here, Gemini, I just want to make sure you’re prioritizing yourself at least as much as you prioritize your image. I mean, keep those shoes, they’re amazing. But please tell me you’ve got something comfortable in the car.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained astronomer, or a registered cobbler Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1