HOBOSCOPES

LEO

It’s hot, Leo, and you need a pool! Oh, sure, a swimming pool would also be nice, but I was talking about you needing a deep pool of emotional resources. For instance, have you been practicing being present and in the moment? That’s a great place to start. Notice where you are. Notice that it’s hot. Notice how the sky looks and what the sweat feels like on the back of your neck. This kind of grounding is really going to help you out in the long run, Leo. In the meantime, you also might call Kevin and see if you can borrow the key to the pool in his apartment complex.

VIRGO

I’ve been told that grief comes in stages. In the classic model you’ll go through denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and then finally acceptance. But it’s never that clean, Virgo. For one, your denial might be mixed with guilt. You may skip bargaining and roll into pain. Acceptance might start as numbness and then fade back into depression. I wish it was a straight line, Virgo, but it never is. The good news and bad news are the same: grief isn’t finished with you. When the circle starts again, just let it come.

LIBRA

Are mangoes in season right now, Libra? I never keep up with those things, but on Tuesday I was at the store and absolutely every cart I saw had a box of mangoes in it. Seriously, every person was buying mangoes. I figured they must know something I didn’t know, so I picked up a box too. And I’ll tell you what, Libra, they’re absolutely perfect. I’ve never had mangoes this good. Sweet and smooth and mellow. It’s healthy to be a little skeptical of following the crowd, Libra. But sometimes the crowd knows what’s good. And there’s only one way to find out.

SCORPIO

Cars are way more fuel efficient than they used to be. You know what that means, Scorpio? That means if you’re on a road trip, you don’t have to stop for gas as often. But it also means you don’t have as many excuses to get out of the car, stretch your legs, and move around. I’ll tell you what you need, Scorpio. You need a rest stop. Everybody expects you to be so efficient these days and, true, you’ve got plenty of fuel. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take a break. Pull over. And don’t get back on the road till you're good and ready.

SAGITTARIUS

I was gonna go for a bike ride this morning, but the weather guy said it was about to rain. So I figured I should just wait till the storm passed. Not a cloud in sight, but I waited. I figured I’d go in the afternoon. But the weather guy said the storm was on its way. So I waited. No thunder. No lightning. And I waited. And the sun went down and I realized all I’d done today was wish I could go on a bike ride while I waited for a storm that never came. Maybe you’ve waited long enough, Sagittarius.

CAPRICORN

My cat, Lilah, died this week, Capricorn. She was 17 years old. I don’t want to reduce her whole life down into a neat little lesson, but I will say that our pets are, among other things, reminders of impermanence. It turns out, Capricorn, that none of us are going to be around forever. You can’t live in the future. The future isn’t even a real thing. But you can live in this moment right here. And then in the next one. That’s how Lilah did it and I think she did a pretty great job.

AQUARIUS

Like you were saying earlier, Aquarius, everybody loves a good listener. Wait, were you the one saying that or was it Pisces? In any case, I think we need more good listeners in this world. You’ve already been practicing the listening part, which is great. I think it’s a good time for you to let somebody else practice. That means you have to talk about what you really think and what you really feel. Maybe try it out on Pisces.

PISCES

Every time I go shopping, I buy bananas. I like to get them green, so they last longer. But then I need to wait a couple of days before they’re really good. And around the time they turn bright yellow, I think, “I should really eat those tomorrow.” And then when I remember to get one the next day, they’ve already turned brown and gotten too soft. I know you want things to be just right, Pisces. But you can’t make the perfect banana by trying. Perfection will find you if you go ahead and take a bite.

ARIES

What even are electrolytes anyway? Apparently, just because I’ve been outside sweating all day, I’m supposed to replenish my electrolytes. But that sounds kinda made up, right?. Instead I’m just gonna zip up my hoodie and finish eating this bag of pretzels real quick and...I’m really not feeling so great, Aries. Sometimes you have to take the advice of experts, even if you don’t completely understand it. Eventually you have to trust somebody. Trust the somebodies with experience. And, at the very least, drink some water.

TAURUS

Would you like a carwash with your destiny today? Press Y/N. I know, Taurus, I know. You just came here for enough wisdom from an amateur astrologer to propel you to your next destination. But, while you’re here, why not take advantage of this opportunity to do something nice for yourself. Get a carwash. Call a friend. Take a walk around the lake. I know you think you don’t have time and you’d rather stare at your phone until it’s time for food or sleep. But it seems to me like a good day to take care of yourself. Wouldn’t you agree? Press Y/N.

GEMINI

People have been asking me lately, “How do you do it, Mr. Mysterio? How do you balance your career as a successful amateur astrologer with your full social life and numerous civic obligations?” Look, Gemini, I put my pants on the same as everybody else, over my Crocs and under my oversized astrologer’s robe. What I’m trying to say is that you can’t assume other people have things anymore together than you do. We’re all just people. Don’t compare yourself to others at a distance. Get in closer and see if you can make a friend instead.

CANCER

I’m swinging by the drive-thru on my way home, Cancer. You want me to get you some fries or a soda or anything? Tell you what, I’ll just order a #3 combo and a #7 combo and whichever one you want, I’ll just eat the other one. I’m trying to narrow down your options, Cancer, because you’ve got so many. Sometimes it helps to eliminate a few possibilities so you can more clearly see what you really want. Think about what options you might need to take off the table altogether. I’ll be there in 10 minutes. I got you extra ketchup.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained desert ecologist , or a licensed dessert technician. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1