Hoboscopes

H O B O S C O P E S

LEO

I can’t believe we’re more than halfway through this year, Leo. Think back to six months ago. What did you imagine this year would be like? Did you set any goals back then? What were they? Whatever you predicted or hoped, things have probably turned out differently. We never really know what’s coming next, Leo. But it’s still worth hoping and planning. Whatever you’re striving for now, it’s the striving that you’ll remember when you look back.

VIRGO

I dreamt you won the lottery, Virgo. Everybody was standing around the TVs at some old-timey bus station and they were putting up pictures of winners on the news but you were distracted because you thought you forgot to pack your saline and you had your bag dumped out on the floor. Then I saw your picture on the screen and I said “Hey, you won!” And you looked up but your photo was already gone. Victories are fleeting, Virgo. It’s the journey that matters. Don’t forget your saline.

LIBRA

The sky is the limit, Libra! Which is kind of scary if you think about it. Because how will you know when you get there? You’ll just keep going up and up into the blue, past the clouds until stars begin to appear. The air is very thin now and the light of the sun seems to take up less space. You look down and see that the place where you started is impossibly small and far away. You look up and there is nothing to reach for. Only a star-speckled void. Maybe limits were a good idea after all. Let’s say for now the stop sign at the end of the block is the limit, Libra!

S C O R P I O

It’s hot, Scorpio, and you need a pool! I guess pools are pretty expensive, though, and they do take a lot of upkeep. Have you been out to the lake yet this year? There’s plenty of room and, as long as you pick up your trash, the upkeep mostly takes care of itself. You’ve been too dry for too long, Scorpio. You need a change of venue.

SAGITTARIUS

I met a guy the other day who thinks we should be building more pyramids. He says pyramids harness the energy of the earth and make for healthier, wiser societies. I suppose he could be right, Sagittarius. In any case, a few pyramids here and there would definitely liven-up the current architectural landscape. But I don’t think you need to worry to much about that, Sagittarius. Keep making the things you want to make. Just because you’re building something new, doesn’t mean it has to have a point.

CAPRICORN

I watched a grove of fiddletrees dancing in the wind. Big floppy leaves blowing back and forth, bouncing up and down. Sometimes moving together. Sometimes taking turns. And I drove past in a line of cars. Shooting across a highway. Some moving together. Some speeding to pass. We’ve adapted and changed so much. We’ve built machines to move us faster. But we’re still all just dancing in a grove. Reaching and reacting. Moving with the wind and against it. You’re not alone, Capricorn.

AQUARIUS

If you really want to know about it, Aquarius, I love Star Trek. All of it. The ones from the 60s and the ones from the 80s and 90s. The movies. The reboots. But I was noticing how many of the problems on Star Trek would be solved if there were just a few security cameras on the enterprise. People were always disappearing from sickbay or hiding in engineering unseen and then sneaking into a cargo bay. Whereas in 2022 my neighbor’s doorbell camera is watching my front porch all day. We can only guess about the future, Aquarius. Don’t get too sold on anybody else’s vision.

PISCES

In Scandinavian folklore, the Sandman is a benevolent wanderer who appears as you’re nodding off to sleep and sprinkles dreams into your head. For centuries children were told that the little grit in their eyes in the morning is sand leftover from the Sandman’s work the night before. Centuries of research later, we still don’t exactly know why we dream. If you don’t know the answer to your big questions, Pisces, maybe start back at the last theory that was working for you. Then sleep on it

ARIES

It’s a matter of supply and demand, Aries. When you had all that spare time it didn’t seem very valuable. You filled the calendar and stayed busy, but it felt like nothing much mattered. Now you’re short on extra hours and they seem like the most important resource in the world. It’s the same hours in the day, they’re just worth more than they used to be. The best way to trick the system is to use those free hours for less pressing matters. Go for a 45 minute walk. Sit in the quiet for 20 minutes. Read another chapter. When you get back, you’ll find those hours you have left in the day feel less crushingly costly.

TAURUS

My sister taught their dog to balance a treat on his nose and stay perfectly still until she says “OK.” I thought it was cute at first. A dog showing so much restraint and poise. But then I started wondering if we’ve all got too much of that. Are you sitting still while the exact thing you want is right on the tip of your nose? Are you waiting for the OK to do the thing you really want to do? Will it work if I say it? OK.

GEMINI

Remember that restaurant that used to be over by the highway? Some of the best food and greatest people but I guess they couldn’t afford the rent anymore. I went to the new place that went in — some kind of oral-hygienethemed pirate-fusion joint, but they replaced all the booths with dental chairs and the menu is mostly puns about seafood and teeth. It’s funny, Gemini, how things change when you aren’t looking. Nothing lasts. Think about that while you wait for your whitening whiting and pegleg lobster.

CANCER

Sometimes you have to hand over control, Cancer. Like when the transmission falls out of your car and you don’t have a clue how to fix it or if it’s even worth fixing. Sometimes you just have to hand everything over to an expert. Other times it’s not your transmission, Cancer. What do you need to hand over to the experts this week?

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained pyramidologist, or a registered dream interpreter. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1