HOBOSCOPES

LEO

The sequel is seldom as good as the original, but there are some exceptions. Some say The Godfather II is more aesthetically and emotionally compelling than the first Godfather. The Empire Strikes Back is thought to have better character development and effects than the first Star Wars. Maybe we could make this sequel better than the original, Leo. Maybe this time we’ll do things differently. Let’s consider the first go-round as exposition. This one is the main event.

VIRGO

The first time the wheel was invented was somewhere around 6,000 years ago in Mesopotamia. It was probably used for making pottery. Sometime over the next thousand years, the wheel was reinvented in ancient Armenia for use with vehicles. After another thousand years, Egyptians and ancient Europeans simultaneously reinvented the wheel as a more efficient and lightweight, spoked machine for use with chariots. Don’t let anybody tell you not to reinvent the wheel, Virgo. If you’ve got an idea to make things better, we’ve got the need.

LIBRA

Sailors, surfers and sea-shore-seashellsellers will tell you that if you stare at the waves for long enough, you’ll start to notice a cycle. “Every seventh wave is the big one.” It’s not exactly a scientific fact, but there is a pattern. Waves tend to fall into groups of 12 to 16. And these groups tend to organize themselves with the largest wave in the center. So if you start with a small wave and count seven more, you’ll probably get to a big one. And if you feel like this wave is too big, Libra, just wait a few and things will start to calm down. Sailors, surfers and sea-shore-seashell-sellers will tell you. You might just need to wait it out.

SCORPIO

I’ve recently realized that my career as an ameteur astrologer may not be taking me anywhere. I’m just not sure if there is an obvious career-path that branches-out from this one. That’s why I’ve decided to become a realtor, Scorpio. It’s probably easy, right? I mean, houses basically sell themselves! So I probably need some kind of license or something and then I just have to find an empty house and start selling! I mean, I guess I could do it, but I’d miss you too much, Scorpio. Sometimes the best thing to do isn’t the most profitable or the most career-building. It’s just the thing you love.

SAGITTARIUS

Recent satellite imaging shows that the Sonoran Desert may be reaching temperatures over 170 degrees. That’s way hotter than the air temperature record of 134 degrees in Death Valley. It makes me remember that the earth isn’t just for people. And if the earth isn’t just here to meet my needs, then maybe it’s just here to be here. Maybe it just exists. And maybe you don’t have to be here for a specific purpose either, Sagittarius. Maybe you’re a part of this planet, like a fox or a cactus. And maybe you’re already doing the thing you’re here to do.

CAPRICORN

One of my least favorite phrases, Capricorn, is “agree to disagree.” Sure, it’s great in theory. We have different views and different opinions, and we’re going to get along anyway. But it’s so often used as a way of shutting things down. We agree to not try to understand each other better and to stop trying to be understood. What if instead, Capricorn, we agree to keep listening, and agree to keep sharing, and agree to remember that we all want the same things.

AQUARIUS

When I stop to count my blessings, Aquarius, I usually start by listing the people I love and the places where I feel secure. But if I keep listing them, I eventually get to my trash can. My trash can and my compost and my recycle bin. They aren’t the prettiest things I own, but I get scared when I imagine life without them. Not only do I have so much of what I need, Aquarius, I have a place to put the things I don’t need. What are you carrying around with you that you could get rid of? What do you hold in your mind that you could just as soon throw out? If you can part with it, Aquarius, it can be a blessing to let it go.

PISCES

Let’s play a game, Pisces. Would you rather be one foot shorter or three feet taller? Would you rather fight one caveman or two astronauts? Would you rather lick a rat or swallow a roach? There are so many things we don’t get to decide in our lives, Pisces. And sometimes when we do have a choice, we get so afraid of making the wrong one. Practice making some quick decisions about things that don’t really matter. You might start to notice how many of your choices have lower stakes than you think. For me it’s: shorter, astronauts, rat. How about you?

ARIES

During the day, the planet Mercury hits about 800 degrees. There’s no atmosphere, though, so at least it’s a dry-heat. At night, the temperature plummets by a thousand degrees and then the next morning it pops right back up again. You may feel like you're living in a world of extremes, too, Aries. Everything is too much or too little. Too intense or too subtle. Too awake or too deeply asleep. But maybe if you can ride the sunrise, Aries, where the light and dark meet, you might find at least a moment where you can take it all in.

TAURUS

Look at this zodiac. (Everytime I do, it makes me laugh.) We’ve got all kinds of people in this thing, Taurus. Different people who want different things and have different hopes and different fears. (Don’t say anything, but I’ve heard Scorpio is afraid of Gemini.) And then there’s you, Taurus. You might be feeling some pressure to go with a flow. You might feel like your preferences don’t matter. Sit with that for a minute. Figure out, as precisely as you can, what your preferences are. They matter, Taurus. And you get to express them and ask for them in whatever ways you want. (Even if you want to put on Nickelback again.)

GEMINI

There’s a butterfly outside the window. It’s flying up and down, knocking into the glass, it’s trying to get inside. But if the butterfly really understood what was going on in here, there’s no way it would want in. There’s no flowers in here to drink nectar from. There’s no leaves to lay an egg on. There’s just air conditioning and mini-blinds and some potato chips. Nothing a butterfly wants. Are you flapping up against any windows lately, Gemini? Is that really the place you want to go?

CANCER

The Epic of Gilgamesh is one of the oldest surviving works of literature. All of its many stories revolve around the adventures of King Gilgamesh of Uruk. After Gilgamesh’s friend Enkido dies (sorry, but does it count as a spoiler if you’ve had more than 3,500 years to read it?) Gilgamesh is distraught and takes a journey to learn the secret of eternal life. After facing many trials he learns the truth. We’ve known it for a while. There’s no stopping death. It’s not in our hands. The best we can do is live epically.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained wainwright, or a licensed realtor. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1