HOBOSCOPES

LEO

Lately I’ve been thinking about you and Billy Pilgrim. Billy is, of course, the protagonist of Kurt Vonnegut’s 1969 novel Slaughterhouse 5. The reason the two of you have been on my mind, Leo, is that you’ve both become more than a little unstuck in time. Billy, as you know, literally moves from one moment of his life to another–backwards and forwards through the years. You’ve been doing some of that lately too, Leo. I’d just like to encourage you to lean into it. If you start to find yourself in a moment from your past that you hadn’t thought about in years, maybe just hang out. Spend a little while with your old self and see what you might find out about the you that you’re becoming.

VIRGO

If I remember my four noble truths, we start with the idea that life comes with suffering built right in. Then there’s the idea that suffering comes from our cravings. The Buddha’s third absolute is that there is an escape from this endless cycle of desire and disappointment. Honestly, Virgo, I get a little lost after that. But I think the way you’re dealing with your suffering is pretty amazing. I see you out there learning to accept. Learning to let go. Learning to be present. And, whatever that 4th noble truth is, I think you’re on to something.

LIBRA

So, when’s a good time to call this week, Libra? Are you around on Tuesday? Tuesday at 2:00 works for me–and Susan said she could do it. I haven’t heard back from your brother, but he’s usually up for any weekday before 4:00. Should we make it a Zoom? Do you want to loop Robbie in? You’ve probably been surprised, Libra, that all the extra time you thought you would have on the books this summer is getting scheduled. I think this week, when plans start to get made on top of you, you should just schedule right back. Put yourself on the calendar again, Libra. Susan can wait.

SCORPIO

I feel like it’s raining a little more often than it should. I’m not one of those people who wants it to be sunny all the time, I just feel like everytime I think I know what to expect I look up and here comes more rain. And did it always rain so hard? If you think you’re getting stormed on more than is reasonable, Scorpio, just remember that

it’s falling on pretty much everybody. And pretty much everybody would love to talk it over with you. If you have to get wet, don’t get wet alone.

SAGITTARIUS

A friend of mine used to tell me a story about the time he was driving late at night and was lost. He was afraid of falling asleep and afraid of running out of gas and afraid going further in the wrong direction. Then, in the darkness of the night sky, he saw an enormous white bird. He followed the bird down the highway to the next exit. He got directions and found gas and a place to stay. I think he told that story because he thought it was weird to follow a bird. But all I could hear, Sagittarius, was “Keep going. Follow hope. There’s something better on the other side of the dark.”

CAPRICORN

I’ve never understood the heat-index thing. I know there’s a formula to it involving air temperature and humidity percentages and sciency stuff. I just think it’s weird when the weather app tells me it’s 89° but that it “feels like: it’s 96°. How do you know what I feel, Weather App? What if I feel like it’s 86° because I’m thinking about that time at summer camp when it was 86° and I tried to go canoeing with the cool kids but when I got there all the canoes were already gone? Don’t go around presuming that you know how other people feel, Capricorn. Do what you can to find out, just don’t assume you already know.

AQUARIUS

My dad used to tell me that 80% of success is just showing up. That’s a little harder these days. A lot of places won’t let you come inside. A lot of people are asking you to just stay home. So we have to find other ways of showing up for each other. Other ways of reaching out. Sometimes showing up is just being who you are where you are. I’m glad you’re here, Aquarius.

PISCES

I’ve really been enjoying the outdoors lately. Yesterday, I spent the whole evening sitting in the grass reading my book and then watching the stars appear. It was perfect. This morning I woke up and realized that my legs are covered in big red bug bites. I know what you’re thinking, Pisces. I should have been more careful. I should have used some repellent and come back inside sooner. But that’s the language of regret. Maybe you didn’t do everything right. But see if you can still cherish the memory of the stars and the grass and not just focus on the bites.

ARIES

When I was a kid, going back to school meant shopping for pencils and rulers and notebooks. These kids today just want masks and face-shields and touchless thermometers. It’s strange how the times change. It’s easy to idealize the way things used to be, Aries, but maybe this is a season to problem-solve for the way things suddenly are.

TAURUS

I’m worn out today, Taurus. I probably just haven’t had enough water. Or maybe it’s all the impending doom shining-out from every readable surface in my life. I look at my phone. It says there’s doom. I look at my computer. Doom. I turn on my TV. Pretty much all doom. Maybe we should take a break from all those doomy surfaces and just have a nice cool glass of water, Taurus. Even if we can’t hydrate our way out of this, we can at least focus on something else for a minute or two.

GEMINI

I didn’t get to go to the beach this summer. Things just got too complicated. My favorite thing to do on the beach is to dig an enormous hole in the sand. The kind you can crawl down in and stick your head out. Come to think of it, Gemini, you don’t have to go to the beach to dig deep. You could start digging right where you are. Find out what’s under the surface. See if the things you remember are still down there. You might be surprised just how deep you can go.

CANCER

I’ve been listening to more music lately, Cancer. Honestly more than I have in years. I used to be obsessed with music. I’d play the same song again and again, like I was trying to solve a puzzle. And things are so stressful lately that it’s hard to start anything new. And it’s hard to finish what you started. But you can just about always finish listening to a song. And then do the next one. If everything is too much right now, try taking it one song at a time.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, an authorized agent, or a select city. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1