Hoboscopes

H O B O S C O P E S

LEO

When the kitchen trash gets full, Leo, and it’s time to take it out, I like to do that little trick where I put my shoe right in it and stomp it down. Look! It’s good for another two days, at least! Sure, there are compromises, the smell from the half a tuna sandwich I threw out on Thursday isn’t getting any more pleasant, but I’ve avoided the work! It may be the case, Leo, that you’ve stomped down your own personal trash a few too many times of late. Whatever you’re avoiding in there, I think it’s time to take it out.

VIRGO

I’ve been accused of pacing. It’s true, Virgo I’m an ambulatory thinker. Sometimes my brain doesn’t work unless my feet are moving. But sometimes it’s inconvenient or conspicuous and I try to just sit at my desk and work it out. And then I spend three hours trying to work out what would take me one hour on my feet. I’m just reminding you, Virgo, that you know how you work. Don’t waste time trying to fit somebody else’s process.

LIBRA

It’s illegal to keep a crow as a pet. That’s probably for the best. But it’s not illegal to have a crow as a friend, as long as they’re free to come and go. I’ve heard of some people who give them food and a safe place to land. In return, crows sometimes bring them shiny objects or pretty string. A relationship is different than ownership Libra. If you feel like you’re in a cage, things may need some readjusting. You should always feel free to go look for soda tabs down by the railroad tracks.

S C O R P I O

Everybody knows that Cain killed Abel. It’s right there in the book. And as punishment he had to leave town and live with the guilt. I wonder if he talked about it much. I like to think he got a therapist, there in the land of Nod. He had a lot of time and probably decent insurance. I like to think he learned to deal with his anger. Maybe he taught his boys to do better. We can’t change the past, Scorpio. It marks us all. But we might still have time to learn from where we’ve been.

SAGITTARIUS

If our boat sank, Sagittarius, and it was just you and me floating on a washed up door in the cold arctic waters, I would scoot over and make sure there was enough room for us both. At least I think I would. It’s hard to know what you would do until you’re really in the situation. So when you see somebody else make a choice you think you never would, take a minute and breathe. Maybe that’s just you in a different circumstance. And if you could please scoot over a few inches, this doorknob is jabbing me in the ribs.

CAPRICORN

Would you say you’re a kind person, Capricorn? Somebody who considers other people’s needs before you speak or act? Are your responses typically appropriate to the stakes of your circumstance? What about when you’re in traffic and somebody swings into your lane and you have to slam on your brakes and then the same person won’t let you merge and you miss your exit? We all have our limits, Capricorn. There are things that make us feel too much too fast and we express it in ways we might not in our more composed moments. That’s ok. It doesn’t define you. But it may show you some places where you need practice.

AQUARIUS

The first bicycles were designed through trial and error. How many wheels do you really need? How do you steer? How do you propel it through the street? Over time, these questions created a working bicycle.. But present-day physicists and mathematicians can’t explain exactly how a bicycle stays upright. Sure, they’ve got theories, but they’ve still got questions, too. If you can’t find an answer this week, Aquarius, maybe take it out of the theoretical. Put it on the street and see if it falls over.

PISCES

I’ve heard that houseflies can taste with their feet. I guess it makes sense. If you’re always landing on top of your food before you eat it, it’s helpful to determine its yumminess before you take a bite. (or, in the flies case, vomit acid onto it to create a liquid you can slurp up with your proboscis) What I’m saying, Pisces, is that if you’re unsure about the ground you’re standing on, give it a taste. You might find it surprisingly palatable. You might learn it’s time to move on.

ARIES

Today the wind blew a little too hard and a bunch of yellow leaves swirled down across the road and I knew for certain that the season is changing. It certainly is for you, Aries. You’ve been making changes all over the place. I know it’s felt intense and like you don’t know where to land. But there’s a nice patch of grass on the side of the road and I think you’re going to do just fine there for a long time.

TAURUS

They say lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice. It’s not a scientific truth, Taurus, but it’s a pretty good statistical probability. If you stare at a specific point in your field of view, chances are you won’t see it get struck by lightning. If it is, chances are you won’t see it happen again. Whatever you’re hoping happens again, Taurus, you might find it sooner if you get on the move.

GEMINI

Once again, Gemini, I’ve looked to the Stars to determine a current course of action for you and others born in your specific cosmic moment. The Stars replied, as they always do, but this time things were different. All I could perceive was a torn piece of notebook paper with masking tape on the edges which read: “Due to staffing issues, you may experience longer than usual wait times. Thank you for your patience.” So this is me handing you the buzzer, Gemini, when it goes off you’ll get your answer.

CANCER

I went to amateur astrology school with a guy who had a thick Australian accent. He was always pretty popular and would throw around regional colloquialisms like “no bigger than a platypus bill!” and “two wombats is better than three!!” But then at our graduation dinner he gave a speech and the accent was gone. “I’m from Akron.” he said. “You’ve just all been so nice to me, and I thought you should know.” I’m just reminded, Cancer, that it’s never too late to be yourself. Speak in your own voice today. Soon you’ll be more content than a wallaby in a wool factory.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained scholar of corvid law, or a registered seasonologist. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1