HOBOSCOPES

LEO

You know the one where the singer is all like “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to?” I was just wondering, Leo, do we know if that kid’s OK? Like, is she still upset about Judy wearing Johnny’s ring, or whatever was going on in that song? Anyway, I was just thinking about how you may not feel like expressing your emotions right now. You may think your responses are inappropriate or unimportant. But I just wanted to remind you, Leo, that it’s your party. Go ahead and feel what you’ve gotta feel.

VIRGO

Sometimes I believe that this is all going somewhere good, Virgo. I think about the things I’ve already learned and the things I hope to learn before it’s all done and I can find a kind of warm, cosmic wisdom that seems to pervade everything. Other times, I’m walking around in my socks and I step in cat puke and I’m just ready to burn the whole thing down. Whether you feel like the universe is for you or against you today, Virgo, try to remember that tomorrow you’ll probably feel differently.

LIBRA

Today I met a man who has eight brothers and sisters and they all love honey. Every couple of months they buy a five gallon bucket of honey from their favorite beekeeper and they split it nine ways (I promise this isn’t a math problem, Libra). I was mostly just struck by the spirit of cooperation in this story. People figuring out what they love and working together to make it even more enjoyable. Why don’t we do more sharing what we love, Libra? I think it could be really sweet.

SCORPIO

In the final section of Plato’s Republic, Socrates tells the story of a man called Er. Er dies in battle and goes to the afterlife where he sees that the souls of good people are rewarded and the souls of bad people are punished. After a time, most of these souls are sent back to earth to take another run at being alive. But first they must drink from the River Lethe, which causes them to forget their previous life. Er skips the drink, and when he returns he can recount everything he saw. You may tend to worry about being good enough to be rewarded, Scorpio. But I think you should focus on being cunning enough to not forget everything you’ve learned.

SAGITTARIUS

All right, Sagittarius, I assume you’re ready to wrap things up. I mean, here we are, ¾ of the way through the year, so I guess you’re nearly finished with all those projects you wanted to get done. But, if for some reason you haven’t accomplished everything you intended, I think there still may be hope. First, remember that these are your goals, like, this was all your idea in the first place. That means you can adjust them anytime you want. If you need more time, you can have it. If you want to do something else altogether, you’re allowed. Time isn’t running out. It’s really just getting started.

CAPRICORN

It’s possible you got the wrong idea when I said you should “get out there and tell your story.” I was thinking it would be more like you and one other person. I was thinking you would talk about the things you’re afraid of and unsure about. I thought maybe you’d feel heard and see yourself more clearly. LIsten, Capricorn, I’m not saying the personal global brand you’ve built through online courses for transformation by social media influence is necessarily a bad thing. I’m just not sure that counts as telling your story. Maybe just find one person. Tell them something true about you and see if they have any questions.

AQUARIUS

They told us to live big, remarkable lives. They told us to make the change the world needed. They told us this was how to find meaning and purpose and be our truest selves. But what if you tried living smaller, Aquarius? Maybe it’s not your job to save the world. Maybe it’s not your job to be a hero. Maybe you just need to take care of your mind and your body and be good to the people in your small sphere of influence. Maybe you could try that on for a week and see how it feels.

PISCES

I remember the sound of a train somewhere far off and the shadows on the front porch were getting long and the air had just a hint of a chill in it. And you were there, Pisces, and you were telling me about how you were just so tired of things feeling this way. You said you were afraid it would never change. And then my phone buzzed and when I reached for it you said you should probably go. I should have stopped you then and I should have told you that I don’t know how to make things change, either, but that we’re here for you, Pisces, anytime you want to talk about it. And that we need you just as much as you need us. Stop by whenever.

ARIES

I love the new look, Aries! It’s just so completely you. But while you’re in the midst of this redesign, I’d just like to make one suggestion. While you’re redoing the outside, give the inside some time, too. It takes a little work and some focus, but I think you’ll find it’s worth it. You can give yourself the attention you deserve.

TAURUS

How far back in time do you want to go, Taurus? Two weeks? Two years? Two decades? When do you think you could’ve made a better decision? When did you miss the chance? You can’t really get to the past, Taurus, but it’s easy to live there, anyway. But this is the time when you can make the most difference. This is your chance to make the right decision. Or at least a good time to give it a shot.

GEMINI

There’s a sign outside my apartment complex that says, “If you lived here, you’d be home by now.” I do live here and I am home by now, so I guess they have a point, Gemini. I think the point is that you may be tired of trying to get where you’re going. You may just be looking for a place to stop and rest and feel at home. And I think the secret, Gemini, is learning to feel at home in your own skin. When you’re comfortable in your body and you know exactly who you are, you won’t even be tempted by the Crestwood Apartments “30 Day Move-In Special.”

CANCER

In the ancient Armenian tale of Ara the Handsome, King Ara is so...well...handsome that Queen Semiramis of Assyria goes to war in order to capture and marry him. She wins the war, but unfortunately, Ara is accidentally killed in the process. Sometimes, Cancer, we work so hard to achieve a goal that the goal doesn’t survive the struggle. You may need to turn the volume down on some of your current campaigns. Make sure what you’re aiming for is really what you want and then maybe aim a little to the left.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained philosopher king, or a licensed superintendent. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1