HOBOSCOPES

LEO

What’s your greatest fear, Leo? Mine’s plesiosaurs. You know, those giant, long-necked aquatic reptiles that lived millions of years ago? Anytime I go to a beach or a lake or, honestly, a swimming pool, I have at least some moment where I’m afraid a giant dinosaur head is about to crane-up out of the water and start chomping on my friends and loved ones. So, this is obviously very unlikely, but it’s a fear. It’s valid to have a fear even if the thing you’re afraid of is just about impossible. So what do we do with our fears, Leo? We feel them, and then we let them go. Acknowledge it and then let it swim out to sea, like so many plesiosaurs.

VIRGO

If you happen to be in New York, Virgo, and if you want to get a letter to San Francisco, and if the year happens to be 1861 (I realize this is highly unlikely) then you might try sending your letter by the Pony Express. Their roughand-ready team of able-bodied horsemen guarantee delivery in as little as 10 days for just $1! Of course, if it isn’t 1861, you’re out of luck, because the Pony Express went out of business after 18 months of operation. It reminds me, Virgo, that timing really is everything. Take advantage of the opportunities in front of you today. Tomorrow, it might be 1861 (though, again, this seems highly unlikely).

LIBRA

If you’ve never had a kidney stone, Liba, you really aren’t missing much. People talk about the pain, and, yes, there is pain. What you don’t hear about so much is the waiting. Passing a stone takes time. Sure, eventually it will happen. And yes, things will get better after it does. But there’s not much you can do right now but stay hydrated and wait. And wait. And drink some more water. And wait. This too shall pass.

S C O R P I O

If you remember your Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, Scorpio, then you know that it was always a highlight to receive a visit from Mr. McFeeley. “Speedy delivery! Speedy delivery!” was his welcome call each time he arrived with a box or an envelope that was sure to contain some exciting new curiosity. Mr. Rogers, of course, was always interested in the contents of the package, but also always slowed down for a conversation with the delivery man. I was thinking, Scorpio, that you’ve got a lot of curiosity too. Take the time to ask questions and look closely. Not every delivery has to be so speedy. the less convoluted story is the real story.

SAGITTARIUS

“Underpromise and overdeliver.” That’s what my dad used to tell me, Sagittarius. He’s good at that. He never commits to more than he can take on and he always comes through with more than was expected. I’m less good at that. Right now I’m just working on the part where I deliver at all. You might relate, Sagittarius. It’s a tough time to get anything done. Maybe today you can just finish something you already started. Even if it’s just the leftover ravioli in the fridge.

CAPRICORN

Herodotus, the ancient Greek who is considered by many to be the first historian, was fascinated by the Persian system of mail delivery. Stations were placed throughout the region where men and horses would wait, passing a package from one to the other and riding at top speed until they reached the next station and passed it on. Herodotus observed that the riders were “stayed neither by snow nor rain nor heat nor darkness from accomplishing their appointed course with all speed.” Sometimes you need to pass the mission to the next rider, Capricorn. You’ll know when.

AQUARIUS

I’m spending too much time on social media these days, Aquarius. I’m pretty much caught up on the political views of every person I ever went to school with, worked a shift with, or attended amateur astrology conferences with. Turns out, I agree with some of those people some of the time. Turns out, I disagree with some of those people some of the time, too. But why does it matter, Aquarius? None of these people are actually in my life. They’re just little pictures on a screen. This week, Aquarius, have a conversation with somebody about something you both care about. Talk and listen.

PISCES

When I was a teenager, all my friends wanted fast cars. Short cars with spoilers and curves and glossy bright paint. All I wanted was a Grunman LLV. If you’re not familiar, the Grunman Long Life Vehicle (LLV) is the most common truck used by the United States Postal Service. You’ve seen them. It’s boxy and slow and the steering wheel is on the wrong side so you can drive while you reach out to mailboxes. I liked the Grunman because it was built to last upwards of 20 years. This week, Pisces, ask yourself if your decisions should be made for speed or made for longevity.

ARIES

You know what they say, Aries, “give a man a fish.” And the more I think about it, the more I think that’s a great idea. Fish are high in protein, vitamin D, omega 3s, riboflavin. Oh! They also make great pets! Watching fish swim can reduce stress and kids can learn a lot about responsibility by caring for one. I could go on. I mean, if you’ve got a fish to give, really, why not, Aries? I mean, what were you gonna do with all those fish anyway?

TAURUS

If you’ve read Thomas Pynchon’s debut novella “The Crying of Lot 49” you might remember the acronym “W.A.S.T.E.” This of course stands for “We Await Silent Tristero’s Empire” and it refers to an 18th century feud between two opposing european postal carriers. When the protagonist of Pynchon’s book becomes aware of this obscure bit of history, she begins seeing clues everywhere that make her believe it’s crucially significant. But is it? Sometimes, Taurus, information is just information. Sometimes Not for the crowd, for each other

GEMINI

I signed up for one of those services that sends you a box of produce every week that was rejected by grocery stores for being the wrong shape or size or color. Like, they sent me a bunch of tiny, yellow tomatoes that are kind of pointy but they’re delicious. It reminded me of you, Gemini. Because, of course, you are exactly the right fit, the perfect companion, the ideal candidate. But I know you’ve been turned down sometimes, too. I just want you to remember that those grocery stores didn’t deserve you.

CANCER

It’s hot out there, Cancer, and the days are long. But for some reason I’ve been thinking about the 1947 classic holiday film Miracle on 34th Street. You know the part where they put Santa Claus on trial and threaten to lock him up for believing that he’s Santa Claus but then the postal service delivers hundreds of letters to the courtroom that are addressed to Santa Claus, thus proving that he must really be Santa Claus? Sometimes, Cancer, you tell people who you are and they don’t believe you. Sometimes you have to prove it.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, an verified affidavit, or a registered Santa Claus. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1