Hoboscopes

H O B O S C O P E S

VIRGO

They don’t make them like they used to, Virgo. Back then they would spend decades cutting stone and hauling it on sleds across the desert. Dampening the sand in front to keep it packed as they pulled the giant blocks into precisely planned locations and sliding them up a slope into perfect position. Creating triangular wonders of the ancient world for a singular purpose. These days, we usually just pay somebody to dig a hole, put a fancy wooden box down in it and top it off with some flowers and a gravestone. I don’t anticipate you and me will get the full pyramid treatment, Virgo. That’s why we’ve got to make our world a wonder while we’re still alive.

LIBRA

I’ve heard you should dress for the job I want, not the one you’ve got. I think that’s why I got sent home from my shift at the Wandering Hills Supervideo and Tan for wearing this limited edition “Midnight Sparkle” astrologer’s robe & hood with lantern-boots and a fate-siren. I think it’s working, because now I have more time to consult the stars for you, dear Libra. Don’t forget which path you were on when you walked in. And don’t mistake this stopover for your destination. Also, give me a call if you know anything about how to deactivate or adjust the volume on a fate-siren.

SCORPIO

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee, Scorpio. In fact, don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee and some toast. Actually, Scorpio, I’m just gonna get the No. 3 Sunrise Supreme with the hash-browns covered, smothered, and peppered, the eggs over-medium, and could I maybe get half a grapefruit instead of grits? Wait, don’t answer that, I don’t even want to hear it until I finish my first cup. Clear boundaries are important, Scorpio. And it’s always a good time to ask for what you need. Even if the coffee is still brewing.

SAGITTARIUS

On a clear night, I like to drive outside the city limits where I can get free of all the distractions and light-pollution and I can really see the sky. There’s no moon tonight and Orion’s Belt is brilliant–particularly that star in the middle, what’s it called? I’m just gonna check my phone real quick…yeah, it’s not loading…there’s really no signal out here…maybe if I drive just a couple miles back toward town. Sometimes, Sagittarius, we’re better off just not knowing the answer and taking in the experience. See if you can leave your phone in your pocket while you absorb this view.

CAPRICORN

It’s become a cliche, Capricorn, that you could change the world just by spreading gratitude and joy to the people you encounter. It’s pretty cheesy, I know. But it must be real, because it is increasingly obvious that the opposite is also true. You walk into a room of strangers and you can feel the resentment, the anger, the fear. And it spreads. So that cliche about spreading joy and happiness, it might not be naivete. It might be the only way for us to get through this together.

AQUARIUS

There’s a deer standing perfectly still outside the front window of the house across the street. I thought it was a full-sized lawn ornament, but I just saw the silhouetted antlers tilt ever so slightly. In the dark, I can’t tell if the deer is looking in the window or staring back at me. Perhaps both of us should just mind our own business. You think you know which spaces are your own, Aquarius, but you may find another occupant has just as much a right as you do. Maybe more. Don’t avoid eye contact.

PISCES

They say money can’t buy happiness. They crochet it onto a pillow that they stage with a couch that costs more than my car. And they’re right. Happiness is a different thing than couches or pillows or cars. But, at least for now, money can buy basic human needs. Food, water, shelter, (couches, pillows, cars.) And people with those things will have more time and room to ponder happiness and how to find it. Help out where you can, Pisces. And don’t be afraid to keep what you need.

ARIES

As a kid, I thought growing up meant wearing a suit and having a briefcase and going to an office. When I got older, I never ended up with an office, but I can do amateur astrology just fine on this futon. Are briefcases even a thing anymore? I’ve got a backpack, but it mostly just stays in the closet with my suit that I bought to go to a funeral 20 years ago. Growing up probably wasn’t what you thought it would be either, Aries. But I hope you know you’re doing just fine.

TAURUS

Last night at around dusk I looked to the west and a wind blew from behind me with a sweet smell of dying leaves and smoke. I felt a longing in my heart to fall backward into a past that had never been and forge a new life for myself with bare hands and wild cunning. So I went back inside and binged that new TV show with the swords and magic and dragons. If you feel that call tonight, Taurus, see if you can resist the urge to distract yourself. Look that longing in the face and see where it takes you

GEMINI

We can’t let opportunities pass us by anymore, Gemini. We have to be ready when the doors unlock. I mean, by the time the Halloween aisle was stocked, I was already in line with a bag of candy. When the moment you’ve been waiting for arrives, Gemini, I don’t want to see you dilly-dallying over by the light bulbs. You’ve already made your decision. Pick up the metaphorical pumpkin-shaped peanut butter cups of your dreams and head to the self checkout.

CANCER

An old gambler used his dying words to tell me about when to hold and when to fold, so I know a lot about the game. But when I look at you, Cancer, I’ve always just seen a player with a winning hand who won’t stop playing it safe. You could throw down a Skip, a Reverse, and a Wild Draw Four, but you’re still tossing out green sevens and blue twos. You’ve held back long enough and the dealin’s nearly done.

LEO

As you’re walking out the door the cashier at the sandwich shop shouts “you have a nice day!” and the bell above the door rings and that’s when it finally hits you, Leo, you don’t have to do what anybody tells you to. You can have whatever kind of day you want. You could have a melancholy day or an anxious one. You could have a strange day or even a Wednesday. And I think you’re off to a great start, Leo. But after you're done bucking the expectations of sandwich shop cashiers, maybe think about who else has been telling you what to do with even more consequential results. Not that you have to listen to your amateur astrologer.