HOBOSCOPES

VIRGO

The light’s changing again, Virgo. The days are getting shorter and everything is a little yellow and bleak. This time of year always makes me think of the past. I wake up remembering other September mornings from forever ago. If one of those former fall feelings comes for you, I say follow it. Try to remember what it felt like then. Who you were and what you cared about most. See what’s there that you can bring back with you.

LIBRA

You’ve probably realized by now, Libra, that here are two kinds of people in this world. For decades, I thought I was a toaster-oven person. I mean, why not? It’s like a little tiny oven that you put near your regular oven and use to make toast and mini-pizzas and small kitchen fires. But now that I finally got a pop-up slot-toaster, I’m never going back. Sometimes you’re not the person you thought you were, Libra. There might be more to you than even you know.

S C O R P I O

I put my halloween decorations up early this year, Scorpio. Maybe too early. Ok, it was back in April, if you really want to know. I guess it made me feel a little more in control to put a felt jack-o-lantern under my light switch and a foam glow-in-the-dark ghost on top of the microwave. My neighbors are probably glad that my plastic porch skeleton is finally becoming seasonally appropriate. I just thought I should remind you, Scorpio, that it’s always a good week to surround yourself with what you love.

SAGITTARIUS

There’s a tingle on my left ankle. Just above the sock. Kind of a repeating, staticky feeling. Like somebody is intermittently poking me with a feather. It’s the kind of little sensation that is easy to obsess over, but today I’m trying something different. Everytime I notice the little tingle, I just take it as a reminder that I have a body and that I am never fully in control. It’s a little scary. But if I really sit with it, it’s kind of comforting. Do you have a tingle on your left ankle, Sagittarius? Are you sure? every moment. I mean, you can still listen to their 3rd album and scream along while you

CAPRICORN

Apparently, I attempted to clean out my closet this weekend. I can tell because my floor is now covered with all the things that used to be in my closet. I didn’t give up on this project so much as I just ran out of steam. I had a lot of energy when I started, but I used it all on alphabetizing all the CDs I found and I didn’t have any left for getting all the unopened fundraising letters off of my bed. Sometimes, Capricorn, you have to finnish what you started. Even if that just means shoving everything under the desk until later.

AQUARIUS

How many more times this year do you think I’ll have to mow my lawn? I thought it was slowing down, but then there was more rain and another little heat wave and now it’s getting out of hand again. Some things, Aquarius, we do because they need to be done. Even if it won’t solve the problem for good. Even if it will just grow back in a couple of weeks. Sometimes you just have to get out there and push.

PISCES

The moon, I am fairly certain, is a giant rock that constantly flies around are a lot of ways to communicate. Whatever the medium, Cancer, I recommend reaching out to the earth but for some reason never crashes into it. I’m sure I could spend some time learning about the moon and how gravity and orbital parameters work and then I could explain it to you, Pisces. But for today, let’s just appreciate every moment that big grey ball doesn’t bonk us on the heads or flatten our houses (I’m not really sure how big the moon is).

ARIES

I always get a little melancholy this evaporate and everything just gets kind of thin and lonely. One thing that can help, Aries, is listening to the soundtracks of fantasy movies. I made a playlist. I can stare out my front door and feel like there’s a world of elves and wizards and we’re all reluctantly preparing to wander into the wood or plum the depths of the mountain or maybe just disappear into the west. Another thing you can do if you feel lonely, Aries, is call somebody who’s voice you want to hear. I’m around this afternoon.

TAURUS

Sure, you know me as your amateur astrologer, but you may not realize that I’ve also dabbled in other methods of divination. I’ve tried augury, where you look for signs in the flight formations of birds, but I never could tell a starling from a grackle. I tried numerology but I kept forgetting to carry the remainder. But tonight, I spilled my bag of M&Ms on the floor and I immediately knew it was a sign for you, Taurus. Does the phrase “mmmm m mmm” mean anything to you? It’s mostly red and blue, if that helps.

GEMINI

Did you hear the band is breaking up? The guitarist wanted a solo career and the lead singer already signed a deal with Netflix for some new music-themed home redecorating show. It’s true. The drummer told me when he was making my pumpkin spice latte this morning. I guess the best things just can’t last, Gemini. That’s why we need to enjoy what we’ve got in each and drive home.

CANCER

Someday my hoboscopes will just be gifs. No more carefully crafted sentences. Just a little moving picture of that guy with the moustache and the top hat shaking his head and pointing at a dollar sign. Until then, Cancer, thanks for reading. It reminds me, though, that, as much as I like words, there time of year. The summer starts to somebody today.

LEO

I grew so many peppers in my garden this year. And I ate so many peppers. And I gave away so many peppers. And, somehow, my garden is still full of so many peppers. Sometimes, Leo, you get more than you need. Sometimes it’s even more than you know what to do with. But don’t give up on the idea that what you’ve got is worth having. Dried peppers make a great decorative wreath.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained neurologist , or a registered lunarian. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1