Hoboscopes

H O B O S C O P E S

LIBRA

There’s a ghost painted on the telephone poll on the corner by the ice cream shop. There’s a sign that says “Neighborhood Fright Fest–This Weekend Only!” I’m always excited to see a ghost painted, well, almost anywhere, but this one makes me a little nervous, Libra. This year has flown by so fast, and this weekend will be here and gone in no time. And I’m afraid I’ll miss the fest and keep the fright. We can’t slow down time, Libra, but we can try to take our moments individually. Take a second to notice where and when you are. Sit there for a couple breaths and then let the time start rolling again. Keep the ghost in front of you and only the past behind.

SCORPIO

If I could interview any vampire, Scorpio, I would probably interview Dracula. I mean, he’s the most famous one. First I’d ask him about the garlic thing. I assume it was pretty easy to avoid in 13th century Transylvania, but over the past 500 years, as garlic has migrated from Asian to North African cuisine and now become a common ingredient in European and even American dishes, has it made it harder for our garlic-intolerant undead neighbors to thrive? If you have any important questions to ask, Scorpio, don’t stay quiet too long. You might not get another chance to get an answer.

SAGITTARIUS

One thing about me is that when I was a kid my Aunt Flora drove a haunted car. She won it in a contest where she had to guess how many doughnuts were in the radio-station breakroom. Anyway, the car was a Toyota Tercel and it had a mysterious malevolent presence in the backseat — we called her Linda. She was always unlatching the doors and fiddling with the radio (she liked adult contemporary.) So I asked my Aunt Flora why she didn’t get a different car and she said, (and this is the part for you, Sagittarius) “this Tercel is my gift and it’s my burden, too.” And I think about that whenever I hear a Neil Diamond song.

CAPRICORN

What are you going to be for Halloween this year, Capricorn? You could be a spooky dentist or an undead bus driver or a zombie zoo keeper! The best thing about this holiday is that you get to be whatever you want. But what about the rest of the year, Capricorn? What’s keeping you from being whatever you want all the time? You could be a dentist or a bus driver or a zookeeper, anything, really. There’s probably some school involved, but if it’s what you want, it’s way better than doing something you don’t.

AQUARIUS

The lightning flashes and the silhouette of the mad-doctor throws back its ecstatic head with laughter. The assistant pulls another lever and the doctor shouts at the covered mound of flesh on the gurney “Live! Live! Live!” Lightning flashes a second time and as the thunder roars something under the sheet sits bolt upright. And a powerful new creation enters the world. It’s time for you to make something, Aquarius. Not for praise or money or success. Just to see what you can bring to life.

PISCES

My dog has a skeleton costume. Black cloth with white bones painted on. And she’s as happy as anyone could be. Wagging her tail with her favorite penguin squeaky-toy between her teeth. And she’s a four-legged reminder that underneath, we’re all the same. Our bones will outlast our joy. But that only makes our joy that much more precious. You’re a skeleton in a human costume, Pisces. Act the part. Find what makes you happiest and chew it till the squeaker comes out.

ARIES

Somebody brought in a bag of Halloween candy and left it on the break-table at work. I’m assuming I can just take some? I guess I’ll have a couple of pieces. But there’s five kinds so I should at least get one of each. And I really like the sour ropes so maybe I’ll grab a couple more of those. Honestly, Aries, if I throw a few handfuls in my lunch bag, I’ll have enough for the whole week. But why do we live like there isn’t enough to go around? We start with plenty for everybody, and the more we stockpile, the less opportunity there is for anybody else to get a start. Pace yourself, Aries. Take what you need. Even what you want. But not what you fear you’ll need later.

TAURUS

I worry about werewolves, Taurus. Oh, I’m not afraid of them, I just worry because everytime there’s a full moon, they end up having to run around outside in the dark and the temperatures have been getting pretty low lately. I mean, if you’re cold, they’re cold, Taurus. There are so many things we can worry about and so few things we can control. We can’t warm every werewolf, but if you find your mind racing toward unsolvable problems, there are some non-lupine human persons in your neighborhood who could probably use a helping hand or a cozy jacket.

GEMINI

This year I’m gonna give onion rings to trick or treaters. Look, Gemini, kids need to learn that you can’t always predict what life is going to throw at you and that not all surprises are bad. I think onion rings teach both of these lessons. Of course, I’ll provide an assortment of dipping sauces. I’m not a monster. What surprises has life thrown your way lately, Gemini? Is it a crisis or is it just an onion ring?

CANCER

Which pumpkin did you bring home, Cancer? Did you get the biggest one in the bin or one of those tiny indoor pumpkins from the table? Did you get the one shaped too much like a human head or the weird long one with the winding stem? Every pumpkin is different, Cancer, and every pumpkin is a gift. Will you carve it or cook it or just leave it on the porch till it gets soft in the spring? Honestly, I know you’ve got a great one, and I’m just excited to see what you do with it.

LEO

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Unless you’re an ancient pharaoh who has managed to be mummified and placed inside a giant pyramid. Who could have predicted that the mummy would become a part of the western horror pantheon? Not Tutankhamun. I imagine he wanted to be remembered as young, powerful, and perfect. Instead I think of him as a shambling horror wrapped in strips of decaying toilet paper. You can’t control what other people think of you, Leo. Start working on what you think of you.

VIRGO

It was a dark and stormy night, Virgo. There was a knock on the door. Are you gonna get that? It could be the Thai food we ordered. Be sure to tip extra, Virgo, it’s a terrible night to be driving food around. You’ve got to be ready when the knock happens. It’s not always when you expect or who you expect, but you’ve got to be ready. Ask if they’ve got chopsticks.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained vampire hunter, or a registered costume consultant. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1