HOBOSCOPES

LIBRA

So, if you’re bitten by a werewolf, but not eaten by the werewolf, you become a werewolf. And if you’re bitten by a vampire, but not eaten by the vampire, you become a vampire. It’s a simple formula, Libra. Works for zombies, too. But it doesn’t have to play out like that in real life. What doesn’t kill you might make you stronger, but it doesn’t have to make you cruel. You’ve been bitten, Libra, but instead of going out fierce with your teeth-blazing, you can choose to stop the cycle.

SCORPIO

It takes courage to ask, Scorpio. Sure, everybody loves putting on the costume and heading out into the neighborhood with an empty pillowcase. That’s the easy part. But to actually walk up to that strange door, ring the bell and ask the big question, that takes a lot of courage. You might get a trick, Scorpio, or you might get a treat. But the only way to find out is to get yourself onto that front porch and ask for what you want.

SAGITTARIUS

The left hand of a tailor. The right hand of a marksman. Legs from a runner and feet from a dancer. One eye came from a painter and the other from an oracle. When you’re building a monster, Sagittarius, you only want the best. Every part chosen and assembled on your laboratory table. Given care and given life. You build the same monster everyday and everyday you’re surprised when it wakes up and chases you around the room. Today, try making something new. Build something that gives you life instead.

CAPRICORN

This is your pumpkin, Capricorn. There are many like it, but this one is yours. Your pumpkin is your friend. You must master it, as you master your own life. Whether you choose to carve evil eyes, or a onetoothed smile, or some nervous eyebrows, you are in charge of the character of this pumpkin. It will not become a jack-o’-lantern on its own. Change doesn’t begin until you make a decision and start carving. So be it. Your pumpkin is yours to transform.

AQUARIUS

Someone is knocking at your door, Aquarius. A tall and ominous silhouette, arms invisible beneath a shapeless cape. They knock again and you feel that you must answer. It’s the polite thing to do, after all. You draw close and see the teeth. Smell the blood. And you’re afraid but you lift your hand to turn the latch. Wait, Aquarius. Take a breath. Yes, something frightening wants inside. But you still have control. Some things have to be invited in. They can’t cross the threshold on their own. And they won’t stay on the porch forever. Maybe leave this one out in the dark.

PISCES

By now you’ve heard the story about the two wolves who live inside you, Pisces. You’ve heard about the great battle between good and evil that constantly rages within every heart. You’ve heard that you must feed the wolf you want to win. But there’s something else inside you that could use a snack. It’s a giraffe wearing a beret and holding a paintbrush. His name is Arnold. It’s the part of you that wants to make something weird and he could really go for a banana and marshmallow burrito. Of course you have to feed your better wolf, Pisces. But don’t ignore that part of you that just wants to create something for its own sake. Arnold is hungry.

ARIES

The abandoned cell-phone store on 8th. The old empty stereo shop on Cedarcrest. The Pizza Hut-shaped building that’s been vacant since you were in 7th grade. Nobody goes in those anymore. At least, until a few weeks ago. First there were black and orange balloons. Then giant cardboard spiders and moons in the windows. Then a sign out front that said “Spirit Halloween.” Your calendar’s been pretty vacant lately, too, Aries. But all empty spaces will eventually be filled. If you need some time to think, or walk, or be alone, don’t leave it to chance. Put it on your schedule before the empty gets filled by something you didn’t choose.

TAURUS

Bloodsuckers are all around us, Taurus. Every night they ravenously feed off that precious liquid of life. Nearly invisible, they approach even now. But there is hope. A single bat can eat as many as a thousand mosquitoes in an hour. Mosquitoes are like the Cheez-Its of the bat world. Yet, somehow, we’ve come to tolerate mosquitoes and feel suspicion — even fear — about the bats. Sometimes the cure looks scary, Taurus, but you’ve got to learn to trust it more than the disease.

GEMINI

I’ve heard that if you say “Gemini” three times into a mirror, your best self will appear. I’m scared to try it, but maybe you should give it a go. Say it with your eyes closed and when you open them you should see a version of you that can accomplish absolutely anything. Actually, I’m pretty sure it even works without the mirror. You’ve got everything you need to get to where you need to be, Gemini.

CANCER

If you’ll take your seat at the table, Cancer, we can begin the seance. First you’ll need to join hands with the person on either side and then recite the phrase on the paper in front of you. It’s OK if you don’t understand the words. Now close your eyes and focus your mind on the center of the table. Do you feel it? It’s the ghost of you the way you used to be. That version of you from before when you believed different things and hid from your grief. You’ve changed, Cancer, and that person won’t ever come back. But you can talk with them tonight. Let them know that things can get better. Let them know you’ll take care of them. Tell them how they helped you become who you are now. Forgive them. Love them. Let them go.

LEO

Scientists say that the moon is getting further away. It drifts just an inch or two every year, but eventually, after thousands of millenia, it will get far enough away that it will no longer be bound by Earth’s gravity. Then the moon will just float away altogether. It’s sad to think about, but it’s great news for werewolves. Once the moon spins off into the solar system, werewolves won’t have to worry anymore about whether or not they’re going to bust-out of their shirts and devour their loved ones. You see, Leo, most changes are good for somebody and bad for somebody else. Who benefits most from the changes around you?

VIRGO

It’s generally accepted that “trick” and “treat” are two sides of a coin. What this horoscope presupposes is, maybe they aren’t? It’s a false dichotomy, Virgo. You’ve got more than two choices. You always did. Sure, there’s trick. Sure, there’s treat. But there are so many options available to you that you can’t see because you’re trapped in a societally constructed binary. Before you go out on your next hunt for candy, unlock your mind. Free yourself from the tyranny of the coin flip.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained vampire hunter, or a 12 foot yard skeleton. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1