HOBOSCOPES

LIBRA

Remember when you used to go to the ice cream shop and look at all the flavors? You could narrow it down pretty quick. Nothing with fruit (it’s nearly healthy). Nothing with coconut (it’s almost a fruit). Then it’s mostly just a choice between the caramelly ones or the chocolatey ones. I wish every decision were that rewarding. But sometimes, Libra, you can’t have the exact flavor you want. You just have to choose the flavor that you think will do the least harm for the most people. And afterward, you can go get ice cream.

SCORPIO

There are lots of ways to know things about yourself. There’s tests you can take to find out what type you are and what category you fall into. For instance, maybe you’re a Scorpio. And maybe you feel like that makes you respond a certain way in certain circumstances. And that can be a helpful paradigm. Until you find yourself saying things like, “I can’t help it. It’s my nature. I’m such a Scorpio!” In that case, you may want to slow down and remember that your “nature” is where you start. It shouldn’t be where you finish.

SAGITTARIUS

I cut my finger while I was unloading the dishwasher this afternoon. Just brushed the top of my pinky across an upside-down knife that I hadn’t noticed in the top rack. And my first thought was “I deserved that!” As though my absent-mindedness needed to be punished. It reminded me, Sagittarius, that we don’t often get what we think we deserve. And even when we do, we’re often wrong about why we’re getting it. I don’t know what will come to you today, but you deserve the opportunity to be heard and understood and loved. Just like I deserve the opportunity to change my bandaid.

CAPRICORN

What tabs are currently open in your web browser, Capricorn? For me, it’s a message-board thread about where to find used astrological supplies, a YouTube video about bicycle brake maintenance, and the Wikipedia page for “hell pigs” (Entelodonts! Amazing). Along with about 50 other pages that I’m keeping open just in case I get the time to give them some attention. Whatever’s been on your mind as of late, it might be helpful to clear it all out. Refresh. Restart. Drop the idea that you’ll get to that thing...sometime. Think instead about what you want to do right now. to the neighborhood while they still let you run around the yard.

AQUARIUS

Sometimes I get a headache. The first rule of headaches is: never tell anybody you have a headache. The second rule of headaches is: maybe it will go away on it’s own. Neither rule is actually helpful in getting rid of the headache, Aquarius. But they both help me ignore the problem. Are you ignoring any problems right now? Anything you’re trying to pretend isn’t there? Good! I didn’t think so. Nothing you need to do about that, then.

PISCES

Of course, you’re familiar with the woolly mammoth. They ranged the tundra from Asia to Europe to North America. They were majestic and terrifying. And then in Australia, they had the diprotodon. It’s basically just a giant wombat. A kind of goofy-looking marsupial woodchuck who’s name means “two front teeth” and that happens to weigh 6,000 pounds. Not every giant prehistoric mammal can be a woolly mammoth, Pisces. Sometimes your problems don’t look like much to other people. They still might weigh 6,000 pounds. Give yourself some credit. Ask your friends for some credit, too.

ARIES

I’ve been watching a lot of scary movies lately. I used to avoid horror, Aries, but lately it feels like life is an endless string of mundanity interspersed with shocking brutality that eventually ends with the senseless death of every character and so the genre started to make more sense to me. That’s harsh, I know. Honestly, I think life can be pretty beautiful. But so is the cinematography in The Shining. What I’m getting at, Aries, is that it’s a good week to find the beauty that’s already all around you. And try not to jump when it moves.

TAURUS

It’s possible, Taurus, that I check the news too often. Do you? Do you ever find yourself getting emotional about headlines? Do you ever feel angry in the middle of the day at something that is completely beyond your control? Yeah, me too. This week, Taurus, when you see the news and you feel that feeling, stop. Think about what you can control right now. Think about what action you can take to help someone you actually know. Think about what you can do to make their world a better place.

GEMINI

Have you seen the house a couple of blocks over that decorated their yard with a single giant skeleton, Gemini? It must be at least 12 feet tall. It’s fun and it’s spooky and it’s ridiculously large. It also reminds me, Gemini, that there’s a skeleton inside every one of us. We’re all made of bones and muscles and skin and other human parts. Hardly any of us are 12 feet tall, but, like the skeleton a couple of blocks over, we are all temporary. Try to bring some joy to the neighborhood while they still let you run around the yard.

CANCER

This time of year all the candy bars get smaller. It makes me feel like I can eat more of them. How could six little tiny candy bars make me feel as lousy as if I’d eaten two big ones? It’s a mystery, Cancer, but it’s one I’m willing to continue to try to solve. Anyway, I think they make them so small so we’ll be more comfortable giving them away. It’s good practice. Try it out. Give away something little and see how you feel.

LEO

Right now it feels like things are happening very quickly. Yesterday’s world-shaking headlines have already been forgotten. The news that seemed so important just this morning has already been overtaken by the breaking stories of this afternoon. But then I remember, Leo, that, according to geologists, we are currently in the meghalayan stage of the holocene epoch, in the quaternary period which started about 2.6 million years ago. It’s always a slow news day for geologists. Try to take a longer view, Leo. No matter how weird things get, the rocks will still be here. Probably.

VIRGO

When I was a kid I wasn’t allowed to watch scary movies. But scary movies just sneak in. Like that one about the guy who gets the monkey’s paw that grants wishes but when the wishes come true it just makes things worse. It’s a good story, but that kind of thinking can make people reluctant to wish for things. And sometimes you really should wish for things, Virgo. Because you deserve good things. Just avoid monkey’s paws and I think you’ll be just fine.