Hoboscopes

HOBOSCOPES

SCORPIO

It’s usually a misnomer to say a snake is “poisonous,” Scorpio. What you probably mean is that the snake was “venomous,” meaning it injects venom into its prey by stinging or, in this case, biting. A truly “poisonous” snake would be a snake that is toxic when eaten. For instance, the Japanese grass snake is poisonous because its diet includes toxic toads and so if you eat a Japanese grass snake…Scorpio? Scorpio please don’t foam at the mouth and lose consciousness while I’m trying to explain semantics to you. Sometimes, Scorpio, it’s more important to listen for intent than particulars.

SAGITTARIUS

My landlord is having the whole apartment complex fumigated. There’s not even a roach problem, it’s just that his brother owns a pest control company and they’re doing some kind of tenant-care or cross-promotion or tax-evasion. I’m not really sure. Anyway, the note on my door said to stay outside for 12 hours. They left a complimentary folding chair. So I’m just sitting out here counting the cracks in the cement stairs and thinking about how much patience it takes to be a Sagittarius these days. I’m starting to think maybe you’ve waited long enough.

CAPRICORN

Someday, Capricorn, the internet will be gone. Maybe it will be when humanity is long gone and the earth is finally consumed by the sun. Or maybe it will be next weekend when you accidentally click “confirm” on the popup that asks if you want to “erase all data.” In any case, Capricorn, it’s nice to remember that none of this is permanent. I think that means the only moment that really matters is now. Not the disappearing past or the imaginary future. Do something you like today. Maybe don’t even put it on the internet.

AQUARIUS

What if instead of changing something about your life, Aquarius, you changed everything? You could change your hair, your job, your clothes, your car, your family, your address, your height, your social security number, your favorite color, your best joke, your oil. You could change it all at once, Aquarius, and if you do I hope it makes you feel more like yourself. And I hope it makes you feel less alone. And I hope you’ll take me with you.

PISCES

I’m alone sitting in a cold folding chair outside my apartment door. My neighbor waves, walks over, and starts a conversation. Now I’m in a neighborhood. It’s amazing how a simple interaction can change the geography right under the plastic tips on the ends of your chair legs. If you can get over the social awkwardness and you’ve got some time to chat, you may find yourself starting a new country on your own front porch.

ARIES

Imagine you’re a rock rolling down a hill, Aries. You’re a generally round rock, so you keep moving, but you’ve got some jagged edges so you never really know which way you’re gonna bounce or turn or what you might run over or into. You might decide you want to roll over a nice patch of moss. And you might try really hard to get there. And you might make it! But was it really all your wanting and trying, or was it just that the shape of the hill and the ridges on your side sent you that direction? I’m not saying you’re not in control, Aries, I’m just saying maybe you could let the hill do more of the work for a while.

TAURUS

The first constellation I learned to spot was The Big Dipper. I liked it because it was so big and dippery. Then somebody taught me how to find Orion’s Belt. Those three stars, also called “The Three Sisters” or “The Three Kings” are still the first thing I look for on a clear night. But, as it turns out, Orion’s belt is actually made of nine stars. They’re so tightly clustered and so far away that they look like three to the naked eye. The closer you look, Taurus, the more there is to see. If you think you’re seeing all the options, look closer.

GEMINI

Maybe being stuck outside my apartment waiting for the cloud of bug poison to settle out of the air and attach to my floors and furniture isn’t such a bad thing. I mean, I can hear a marching band practicing in the distance. It’s kind of nice. I think they’re playing “Rehab.” Whatever your situation today, Gemini, see if you can find the music in it.

CANCER

I see some cold nights in the forecast, Cancer. And I’ll bet there’s some even colder ones coming after that. And some people say it’s just gonna keep getting colder. That the currents in the ocean will change and the warm air won’t go where it should and the winters will get too hard and too long. And I don’t know what’s going to happen in the long run, Cancer. And I feel helpless about the big picture and it’s getting cold. But I know what helps in the night is a warm blanket by the fire. And I know what’s even better is if you invite more people in.

LEO

Every time I have to click one of those boxes that says “I am not a robot” I have to think about it a little bit longer. If I were a robot, would I know? What if it’s not a verification of my humanity but just a repeated affirmation to keep me from suspecting the truth? Anyway, Leo, I think we’re better off when we define ourselves by what we are. If your identity rests in the things you aren’t, you’re only delaying your discovery of who you really are.

VIRGO

Every night at sunset my neighbor goes out looking for her cat, Marty. Sometimes I see her looking under the bushes along the parking lot or by the creek behind the building. Tonight I saw him first. That old black and gray tabby. He came right up the stairs to my apartment door and saw me sitting in my folding chair. He looked me right in the eyes and said “We all just want to be pursued. We all want to believe that love is chasing after us.” I nodded and he ran down under the railing. Marty’s right about some things, Virgo, but I think next time love comes running, you should try to stay put.

LIBRA

I’ve been waking up early lately. Too early. Like, it’s dark outside and there’s no cars on the street and the birds aren’t up yet, but I’m wide awake. So I make myself some tea and I sit at the window and I meditate on the day to come. Just kidding, Libra! I pick up phone and I scroll through my feed and I let the anxiety start to build before I’ve even gotten out of bed. Honestly, it’s embarrassing, but I’m telling you this because I think there must be a better way to live. You’ve got to try, Libra. For both of us.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained replicant hunter, or a registered exterminator. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1