HOBOSCOPES

SCORPIO

It’s so hard in this world to feel truly known by the people we love. As Vincent Van Gogh wrote in a letter to his brother, “There may be a great fire in our soul, but no one ever comes to warm himself at it, and the passers-by see only a little bit of smoke coming through the chimney, and pass on their way.” It can feel so lonely to feel so much, Scorpio. And I think the best we can do is first to stop for others. Find out what fire burns in their souls. And once they know you’ve heard them, tell them about your own.

SAGITTARIUS

The wind is getting colder, Sagittarius, and it pushes through the cracks around your bedroom window at night like it has something important to say. “Whhoooosh,” the wind begins, “Whhhy are you in such a hhhurry all the time?” Look, Sagittarius, I’m just an amateur astrologer, I can’t say why the wind seems so concerned with the pace of your life. I’m just the messenger. But you may want to consider the wisdom of this troubled force of nature. Maybe today slow down and just feel the cool breeze on your cheek and listen.

CAPRICORN

All the bananas at the grocery store were too green to eat. But I bought some anyway, Capricorn. You might say that takes a lot of hope. A lot of faith that life will go on and the sun will still rise and the bananas will eventually ripen. And that may be the kind of hope you need today, Capricorn. Just enough to buy some green bananas and put them on the counter and believe you’ll be hungry again once they’re sweet and tender and ready to eat. If that’s what you need today, take some of mine. The hope, I mean. The bananas are still too green.

AQUARIUS

OK, what’s an eight-letter word for “indecisive?” It starts with an “h” and I think the 5th letter is a “t” but that’s only if 44 Down is “ferret” and not “weasel.” I’m just not sure, Aquarius, I wish I hadn’t started this crossword in pen, but here we are. It can be hard to make a decision and just stick with it, but I think you’re getting the hang of it. Now that you’ve got some momentum, it’s no time to be hesitant — wait! I think that may actually...yes! It fits.

PISCES

I guess you finally saw that movie you were so excited about, Pisces. The big budget one with all the special effects, based on your favorite story when you were a kid. How was it? Did they do it justice? Did they get all the details right? I hope so. And I hope you aren’t too disappointed now that you can’t wait for it anymore. It’s nice to have something to wait for. Something good on the way that’s not really in your control. For instance, we’ve been waiting for you, Pisces. And we’re so glad you’re finally here.

ARIES

Dog-people love the loyalty. Cat-people love the independence. I see you more as an armadillo person, Aries. You want to know that you’re protected all the time, so you polish your armor and shake your head at all the possums out getting stunned by the oncoming headlights. You can take that layer of protection with you, Aries, but you still need to move on. Dog-people, cat-people, and armadillo-people too. We all have to try the next thing if we ever want to find out who we are.

TAURUS

It’s that time of year when my car windows seem to fog-up no matter what I do. I can turn on the heat or the a/c. I can turn on the wipers or drive with the windows down, I just end up with a light layer of haze between me and the road I so desperately need to see. We never fully know what will be at the end of the road we’re on, Taurus. But if you feel like you can’t even see what’s right in front of you, it may be a time to slow down or even pull over. Give yourself a moment. You’ve got a long time to get where you’re going.

GEMINI

Where are you from again, Gemini? I mean, you’re made up of cells that are always being replaced, right? And those cells are replenished by the foods you eat. You’re made of bananas from Ecuador and the Philippines. You’re made of coffee from Ethiopia and chocolate from Ghana. Your burrito has rice from Vietnam and pepper from Sri Lanka. And that all turns into you? So the soil that feeds Guatemalan avocados becomes the dead skin cells in the dust floating in the beam of light in your kitchen. So where are you from again? I’ll give you a minute to chew on it.

CANCER

My favorite tree is the tulip poplar behind my apartment. The leaves are so broad and thick and when the wind blows it’s like everything moves in slow motion. But those leaves are changing color and falling into the grass. And I can see everything that tree was hiding. All the new construction behind this lot. The stark, unfinished houses that will be rented to tourists until they fall down. A change in the season can bring some harsh realities to light. Don’t turn away, Cancer. Watch the hard things while you can and wait for another season when there’s joy in the branches again.

LEO

I guess everything’s a little haunted lately, Leo. Every conversation, every text, every song on the radio. They’ve all got ghosts in them. Shake any memory and the ghosts just tumble out the back. So we live with them, Leo. It can be a little scary and a little sad, but the hauntings make us who we are. They remind us what we used to like and what we used to want. All a ghost wants is to be remembered, Leo. We can do at least that much.

VIRGO

A friend recently told me that she believes we were put on this earth for one primary purpose: to watch TV. While I’m not so sure if that’s the extent and meaning of life, I do think this is perfect weather for a little TV watching. A great weekend to stay indoors and catch up on absolutely nothing of consequence, Virgo. If you get too bored, you can always order take-out and stream a couple of movies you’ve been meaning to see. Sure, go for a walk if you feel like it or clean the bathroom if you absolutely must. But I think the next couple of days might require less purpose and more entertainment.

LIBRA

How do you eat your grapefruit, Libra? Some people cut them in two and sprinkle sugar on top. They use one of those little spoons with tiny teeth to dig out each individual section. But people like us, Libra, we know better. A grapefruit is just an orange that knows how to deal with criticism. You’ve got to tear through that thick skin and peel it off in one go, Libra. Pull apart the segments with bare fingers. Bite into the side like an apple, for all I care. This is not the time to worry over how you’ll be perceived. That’s not how you get to the good part.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered dietician, or a trained cruciverbalist. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1