Hoboscopes

HOBOSCOPES

SCORPIO

I’ve been doing this a long time, Scorpio. It’s not easy staying up to date on all the newest trends in amateur astrology, but I do it and, honestly, I do it for you. Just today, I was thumbing through the new issue of Soft Aspects Quarterly and I saw an ad for a new machine that offers Scorpios twice as much insight as other Zodiac signs. Of course I ordered one, but my card was declined, so I’ll just tell you these two things: You’re doing more good than you know and you can give yourself a break.

SAGITTARIUS

Imagine you have a time machine, Sagittarius. But also imagine you spilled Dr. Pepper on the console and now the dial is stuck at “15 Years.” So you can either go back 15 years or you can go forward 15. Which will you do first? I’d probably start by going forward to see if things get any better. Then I’d go back to tell myself all about the future and warn myself not to spill that soda. In a way, Sagittarius, you do have a time machine, but the dial is so stuck in place that you can only remember the past or imagine the future. A better option in this case, might be to focus on the present moment and enjoy what’s left of your Dr. Pepper.

CAPRICORN

The way I see it, Capricorn, a door is a choice. You can open it. You can lock it. You go through it or get your foot in it. You can paint it black or nail your thesis to it. You can do none of these things, but if you know where the door is, Capricorn, then you’re making a choice. The good news is that most of these options are better than you think. Stay or go. Bolted or ajar. Once you pick, give it a minute before you second guess yourself.

AQUARIUS

I’ve been doing this a long time, Aquarius. Amateur astrology has been good to me. But sometimes I wonder if I should try something else. I’ve thought about weaving or woodworking or welding school. But none of those things enliven the mind the way the stars do. I’ve considered songwriting or stand-up or slam poetry, but I perform better for an audience of one Zodiac sign at a time. It reminds me, Aquarius, that sometimes the grooves we fall into are the grooves where we belong. Try everything. But don’t be afraid to come back to what you love.

PISCES

It turns out, Pisces, that the 15th year of something is called its “quindecennial anniversary.” And it also turns out that the traditional gift for the quindecennial anniversary is crystal. (I’m not entirely sure who decides these things.) Contrary to popular belief, Pisces, I don’t have a crystal ball. But if I did, I’d give it to you. You’ve been worried a lot about what’s coming next for you and if I could give you that quindecennial crystal ball, Pisces, I think you’d be surprised at how few of the things you’re afraid of will ever come to pass.

ARIES

It got dark so early tonight, Aries. Has it always been like this? I just got home from work and already the sun is down and I’m settling in for the night. In no time, I’ll be in bed and then it will be time to get up and do it all over again. Sometimes it’s dark, Aries. Sometimes it’s dark for too long. But instead of pining for the sun take the moment to allow yourself to slow down. Let your eyes get used to it. Go outside and look at the stars. They never go away, Aries. The sun just hides them. What else do you think was hiding in the light?

TAURUS

I’ve been doing this a long time, Taurus. The life of the amateur astrologer is fairly rhythmic. I consult the stars. I consult the charts. I consult the YouTube channel of Dr. Wayne Conundra (the world’s most famous amateur astrologer). And I report my findings to you, Taurus. But tonight when I looked up to consult the stars I saw something new. A point of light I’d never seen before. It wasn’t in the charts. And it’s situated right where your future ought to be. I’m still waiting for a reply from the comments section of Dr. Conundra. But until we figure this out, Taurus, I’d say take it as a reminder that every rhythm can be broken. There’s always something new.

GEMINI

They say you’re supposed to replace your carpet and your hvac system every 15 years. They also say you replace most of the cells in your body every seven years. That means that in the lifespan of your average velvet shag, you’ve been two whole people. Maybe more. This might be a good night to turn on the A/C, lie on the floor and think about what parts of

you are still the same as they were seven years ago. What about seven before that? What do you want to keep for the next time the carpet needs changing?

CANCER

I’ve got a feeling that things were better back then, Taurus. The wind blows, the leaves rustle, I breathe in and the light hits just so and I think about when I was younger. I wasn’t so worried all the time. Or maybe I was just worried about other things. What does nostalgia do for you, Cancer? Is it helping? Maybe the next time that wind comes up and says the days used to be simpler, you can blow back and remind the wind that you’re better than you’ve ever been.

LEO

I’ve been doing this a long time, Leo. When I was first getting my start in amateur astrology people didn’t take me seriously. They said I’d never get anywhere in this field. But look at me now, Leo, I’m still doing exactly what I was doing back then. Sometimes it can feel like we’re running in place. But even if you are, Leo, you’re at least getting better at running in that one place. And I think if you ever do decide to run somewhere else, your time here will pay off.

VIRGO

Fifteen years from now, assuming the calendars hold, it will be 2037. All I know for sure about 2037 is that there will be a solar eclipse visible in Australia. Everything else is pretty much up for grabs. Maybe technology will improve to the point that a futuristic AI will solve all our problems with inequality and poverty and injustice. But just in case technology lags, I hope you’ll consider lending your voice and your efforts to those causes, Virgo. Maybe, if enough of us do, 2037 will be the best year yet. I’ll see you in Australia.

LIBRA

In some ways, Libra, my work is abstract. By that I mean that I don’t always understand it, but I consider it meaningful nonetheless. You’ve been throwing some new colors at the canvas lately, too, and I know you’re getting worried that it won’t end up meaning everything you’d wanted. I just hope you’ll finish, Libra. I think your work holds more than you’re afraid. I think it holds everything you put into it and more.

Mr. Mysterio is still not a licensed astrologer, a trained hvac repairman, or a registered art critic. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1