HOBOSCOPES

SCORPIO

Is it already getting dark out there, Scorpio? But it’s so early! I feel like I just got out of the house and now the sun’s going down. This is just like yesterday when it was dark before I got home from work. What if this happens again tomorrow? I guess we’ll have to make plans that don’t involve so much sunlight. Maybe it’s a good night to stay in and read. Maybe you could go out to one of those fancy places with electric lights. I think you’ve got what it takes to make the best of a quickly darkening situation, Scorpio.

SAGITTARIUS

Do you ever feel like there’s just too much stuff? This may be a good day to start a giveaway box. First, you’re gonna need a box. No problem! Here’s one. Then there’s nothing to it but filling it up. You can put in the sweater that never really fit right. And the book about taxidermy that your brother got you as a joke. And the three pairs of identical promotional sunglasses that your insurance company keeps sending you. You’re doing great, Sagittarius! Now you can...Hey, wait! Don’t put this newspaper in there or you’ll never find out what to do with your giveaway box! Oh well. I’ll mail you a list of donation sites.

CAPRICORN

What’s the difference between thankfulness and gratitude? Well, I’d say thankfulness is something you feel. You might feel thankful for your home or your friends or the clothes on your back. Gratitude is something you can practice. One way is to name three things you’re grateful for right now. Did you do it? Great! Maybe set an alarm and do it again tomorrow (don’t worry, you’ll be able to think of three more.) If you practice gratitude a little bit every day you won’t have to try so hard to feel thankful.

AQUARIUS

Somehow I’ve managed to eat s’mores for the past 4 consecutive days. I swear I didn’t plan this. It’s just that I happen to be at a campfire and there happen to be some marshmallows and graham crackers and, wouldn’t you know it, chocolate. And then it happened again. And again. What I’m trying to tell you, Aquarius, is that sometimes things line up just right. And most people think those moments are rare. But what I’m proving lately, is that it might happen again tomorrow. So enjoy your today, but don’t stop looking for some more tomorrow.

PISCES

Sometimes when people come close to death and survive they report having had an out-of-body experience. Sometimes they watch from above as doctors attempt to revive them. Sometimes they see friends and loved ones who have already died. Usually they feel a sense of peace. I’ve never had an out-of-body experience, Pisces. But I have noticed how easy it is for me to watch my life go by like I’m not even participating in it. Does that ever happen to you? Sometimes we’ve got to work to stay in this thing. I’ll work a little harder at it if you will too. Deal?

ARIES

And then she was all like “unexpected item in bagging area,” and so I go “No there is not an unexpected item in bagging area! Not if I expected it!” So then she’s all “please wait for assistance” and I go “Assist this! I’m just gonna take my stuff and go!” and that, Aries, is how I ended up being detained by security after an altercation with a disembodied self-checkout robot. Some days you’re just looking to start a fight. Make sure you choose a worthy opponent.

TAURUS

Due to supply chain issues, The Stars were unable to provide any insight for your upcoming week, Taurus. But while we wait for the next shipment of astrological wisdom to arrive, feel free to take a “Live, Laugh, Love” pillow from the bin on your way out.

GEMINI

Once again I find myself cleaning out my fridge and throwing out a bag of carrots that I didn’t get to in time. The thing is, Gemini, I like carrots. But when I look at all my choices, they just never come in first place. So I put them off and put them off and then they finally go in the compost. But next time I’m in the produce section, I’ll put a bag of carrots in my cart and try again. It’s good to equip ourselves to be the kind of people we want to be. It’s good to forgive ourselves when we don’t live up to it.

CANCER

I grew up eating turkey every Thanksgiving. Usually my grandmother made it along with the rest of the feast that I would plow through in about 10 minutes. But I grew up and moved away and I stopped eating turkey for ethical reasons and my grandmother passed on. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost some things between then and now, Cancer. But I think I can still manage to share a meal and say why I’m thankful. It doesn’t matter what’s on the plate or who’s at the table. I’ll save you a seat.

LEO

The leaves on the little tree in the Savea-Bunch parking lot all turned the most amazing shade of deep red and now they’re starting to fall one at a time and pile up against the curb in a bright red line. It’s amazing, Leo, what beauty you can find if you don’t forget to look. What can you see from your window?

VIRGO

Feeling a little out of control, Virgo? Like maybe you’re not in charge of your own life anymore? You want to make sure you’re still the one calling the shots around here? Maybe try making breakfast for dinner. It sounds crazy but I think it might work. Eggs and waffles after dark? Orange juice by the light of the moon? Yeah, you get it. If you really want to know this world is yours for the taking, all it takes is a grapefruit under the stars.

LIBRA

I had to bring my little aloe plant inside so it wouldn’t freeze out on the patio. I keep it in the window now but it doesn’t get much direct sunlight. I think it’s getting sad. You know the feeling, Libra. You’re still getting just enough of what you need to not shrivel up completely, but you need a lot more if you’re really going to thrive. Sure, you can hold out for a couple of months if you have to, but what if you took better care of yourself than that? Maybe plan a trip somewhere where there’s enough sun all day and it doesn’t freeze after dark. If that sounds too pricey, turn up the heater and watch The Muppet Show.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered arborist, or a trained short-order cook. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1