HOBOSCOPES

SCORPIO

Suppose you found a lamp, Scorpio. And suppose a genie popped out of it and offered you three wishes. (We’ll follow the standard rules here: no wishing for more wishes or more genies or maps to the locations of more lamps, etc.). You might wish for safety or wealth or love or power. I’d probably go for a couple of those. But imagine yourself 10 years down the line. Long after the wishes were wished. After the excitement wore off. After the money got boring. What would you wish for then? What can you do to move toward that thing right now?

SAGITTARIUS

Right about the time I finished getting my face all soapy, the shower went suddenly cold. I took a quick step back and nearly slipped but I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t very well keep my soapy eyes squeezed shut all day. Cold water or not, I had to go back in. You might find that the job isn’t done yet, Sagittarius. You might find that the last part is pretty uncomfortable. But you’ve got to get the last part done.

CAPRICORN

Trust is a tricky business, Capricorn. On the one hand, trust has to be built over time. On the other hand, I just drove through a Taco Bell that I’d never been to and somebody I’d never met handed me a bag of bean burritos that I’m going to devour without a second thought. What I’m saying, Capricorn, is that you can only get so far by interrogating every interaction. Eventually you get to decide to trust the systems that you’ve seen work in the past, even if you do it with caution. (Also, I definitely ordered these with no onions. Why do they always have onions?)

AQUARIUS

I swear they play the same commercials in every break, Aquarius. Like, I keep seeing that one where they show the phone from all the different angles and there are all the bright, disorienting colors, and the singer is singing something like “That’s how we get staaaarted!” or maybe it’s “That’s why we’re all staaaaars now!” I can’t really tell but it’s been stuck in my head all afternoon. Repetition works, Aquarius. The things you repeat are the things that stay with you, so make sure they’re the things you want to keep. You can staaaaart today.

PISCES

After a mostly cold shower this morning, I thought I’d better check on my water heater. Which, of course, means going into THE BASEMENT! I’d rather not think about the basement. It’s where I put the things I want to forget. There’s old stuffed animals and my 7th grade science project and a Tae Kwon Do participation trophy and an unfinished fan letter to Alf. It’s all the stuff I’d rather just put away and not deal with. But I’ve got to go down there. What are you ignoring, Pisces? You might want to deal with the contents of your basement while the water heater is still intact.

ARIES

Is everything ok now, Aries? When will we know if everything is ok, like, for sure? I mean, the thing I was most worried about didn’t happen, but now I’m more worried about the thing I was the second-most worried about and I’m afraid that if that doesn’t happen, I’m just going to move on to the thing that I’m the third-most worried about. You know what I mean? So, if I’m never going to run out of things to worry about, I might need to learn to accept the way things are in the present moment as I work to make the future more ok. Does that sound ok?

TAURUS

I get it, Taurus, change is scary. I mean, my recycling pickup day just changed from the 2nd Tuesday of the month to the 1st Monday of the month and I know that this is going to take some serious getting used to. I’ll probably even forget a few times. But when it’s all said and done, wouldn’t we all really rather put our recycling out on Sunday nights anyway? Change comes regardless. We can fight it or we can roll ahead, borne back ceaselessly onto the curb.

GEMINI

Sure, Sean Connery will be best remembered as the ultimate James Bond. But I never really got into all that slick superspy stuff. To me, Connery will always be Soviet submarine commander Marko Ramius from The Hunt For Red October. That guy had integrity. That guy cared about his crew. He was willing to take risks. He was ready to go down with the ship if it would save lives. This week, Cancer, try to be a little less James Bond and a little more Marko Ramius.

LEO

Have you seen Metropolis, Leo? It’s this silent sci-fi movie from 1927 about a super-advanced city of the future where the wealthy live in skyscrapers and have their every need met by technology while the poor work far beneath them, endlessly laboring just to keep the economy afloat. Pretty unrealistic. The hero of Metropolis is Freder, a rich young man who discovers the plight of the workers below the city. He immediately realizes the system has to change and he’s willing to give up his position to change it. Have you made any new realizations lately about the way the world works, Leo? What are you willing to sacrifice to make a difference?

VIRGO

So my landlord replaced my leaky water heater and I got my basement pretty much clean. At least as clean as I could in one afternoon. And now things can go back to normal, I guess. But is normal really good enough? If it’s still so easy to just throw things we don’t want to deal with into the basement, how are we gonna keep from making a mess out of everything again, Virgo? It’s too easy to wait till there’s an emergency before we deal with things. What are you going to do this week to make sure it never gets this bad again?

LIBRA

This time of year there’s nothing I love more than a good thick slice of pumpkin pie. It’s my absolute favorite! I could never turn down a fresh slice of homemade...wait, where’s the whipped cream? You didn’t get whipped cream? Oh. Nevermind. No pie for me, thanks. I guess sometimes we don’t fully appreciate the things we love until we see what life is like without them.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained statistician, or a registered crab. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1