HOBOSCOPES

SAGITTARIUS

There’s cookies in the break room, Sagittarius. In that star shaped tin with the snowman on it. A paper divider separating red sprinkles, green sprinkles, and no sprinkles at all. You know the feel of the sugar crystals cracking between your teeth. Are you afraid you’ve had too many? More than you wanted or more than your share? Pace yourself, Sagittarius. There are better things coming.

CAPRICORN

Jingling these bells was easy at first. Maybe even a little energizing. Hey, you’re pretty good at this! But when you started, Capricorn, you didn’t know you’d be expected to jingle ALL the way. That’s an awfully long way to jingle. I think it’s best not to focus on the ending. All you can do in this moment is jingle right now. “All the way” will take care of itself.

AQUARIUS

I’m not the best at wrapping presents, Aquarius. I always seem to end up with a bad fold or a crooked cut or weirdly-way-too-much tape. Still, I wrap them. Mostly so I can watch it come off. I love the moment just before you realize what’s inside — excited but unsure. Tearing and peeling in hope. Think about that moment, Aquarius, and see if you can take it with you.

PISCES

You may or may not be visited by three ghosts, Pisces. You may or may not find that one shows you the past, one the present, and one things yet to come. You may or may not be forced into a profound shift in perspective. I can’t be sure. But remember one thing: whether or not there are ghosts, you’ve still got time to change your mind.

ARIES

I’m not the best at wrapping presents, Aquarius. I always seem to end up with a bad fold or a crooked cut or weirdlyway-too-much tape. Still, I wrap them. Mostly so I can watch it come off. I love the moment just before you realize what’s inside — excited but unsure. Tearing and peeling in hope. Think about that moment, Aquarius, and see if you can take it with you.

TAURUS

The first “S” flickered out on the “Self Storage” sign across from my apartment and it made me think of you, Taurus. I mean, all those elves and angels and reindeer that you keep in boxes in the attic during the off season — I guess you have to keep them somewhere. But hanging on to all your old stuff might keep you from becoming who you want to be next.

GEMINI

Sure, it’s cold outside, Gemini. And that old song might think you should stay. But what I’m seeing is that it’s going to be even colder tomorrow. You may need to get a move on before things get any icier.

CANCER

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen? Yeah, they all work from home now. It’s just hard to go back into the office once you get some distance. Honestly, Cancer, I think you could use a change in your work environment, too. It doesn’t have to be extreme, but don’t wait around for change to happen to you.

LEO

When I was a kid, we’d go to the tree lot and pick out the tallest one we could strap to the station wagon. We’d drive it home, put it in some water and cover it with lights and sparkling snowflakes and homemade pasta-angels. Now I just decorate the tree in the backyard. Seems less destructive. How much of this do you need, Leo? How much do you even want?

VIRGO

Did you write your letter yet this year? The one where you ask the big guy for all the things you want? I highly recommend it (even to people who don’t believe in the big guy.) Try it. Think of 10 things you want. Write them down. If you’re feeling daring, put it in the mail.

LIBRA

What do we do when nothing seems right, Libra? When the victories are so small and the defeats seem so insurmountable? Well, tonight just get your feet warm. Make some hot apple cider. Call a friend. Read a little. Tomorrow we can go out and fight again.

SCORPIO

Halve yourself right down the middle, Scorpio. You’ll find half of you wants to give your best and push forward while the other half is scared and ready to give up. Now have yourself a chat between one half and the other. Both halves want you safe and comfortable, but each half sees that differently. Have you had a breakthrough yet? Have yourself a cup of tea and think it over.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered bell-jingler, or a trained elf. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1