HOBOSCOPES

SAGITTARIUS

The holidays are about family, Gemini. But, then again, so is The Mandalorian. I mean, it’s the story of a loner who finds purpose when he finally begins to value the life of another more than he values his own social standing or even his carefully cultivated moral code. What’s more “family” than fighting to protect somebody even when you don’t entirely understand them? Whatever protecting your family looks like for you this season, Sagittarius, don’t forget to take care of yourself too. This is the way.

CAPRICORN

My dog is dreaming. She’s laying on the end of the bed with her eyes closed kicking her legs in a tiny little run and breathing out quiet muffled barks. What do you think she’s dreaming about? Maybe it’s a possum in the yard or a UPS delivery guy across the street. I guess I’ll never know. Sometimes I wish I could just show you what’s in my brain, Capricorn. But as it is, we’ll just have to keep talking and listening and trying to understand each other.

AQUARIUS

I think about all the mall Santas, Aquarius. And all the pictures of crying kids sitting on the laps of white-bearded, red-capped strangers who were never really equipped for the level of excitement and fear and disappointment and joy that their presence might bring about. It’s a strange tradition and I wonder how long it will last. This could be a great year to take apart your traditions, Aquarius. What’s been working? What just been making everybody cry?

PISCES

Sometimes it seems so strange to me that I don’t remember the day I was born and that I don’t know anything about the day I will die. Both of those events seem so important, Pisces, but they’re really both just stories. The only moment we’ve really got is this one right here. You can’t change the past or control the future. But you can make all kinds of decisions about right now. Start by taking one slow, deep breath.

ARIES

They’re playing Christmas music at the gas station, Aries. You don’t even have to go inside, it’s right here at the pump. I know you tend to be a little cynical about these kinds of things, Aries, but think about it, something as mundane as pumping gas and here’s a reminder of a season of joy, gratitude, and giving. I think maybe it’s worth leaning into this time, Aries. You can even sing along. Nobody’s watching.

TAURUS

Thankfulness is interesting stuff, Taurus. I mean, I say “thank you” to the kid at the drive-thru window and the postal worker at my door. Sometimes I even say “thank you” to the automated self-checkout voice that reminds me to take my receipt and my coupons. But what if we went a little deeper, Taurus? What if we said thank you to everybody who did anything that got us to this point in our lives? That’s a lot of people, Taurus. Maybe just do one.

GEMINI

It was so good to see you the other day, Gemini! I mean, sure, it was accidental. And sure, we really just waved at each other when you passed me driving across the bridge, but lately, it’s just nice to be reminded that there are people who will smile and wave. I guess I’m just saying that you matter to me and you matter to a lot of people and I hope you’re getting enough smiles and waves because you sure do deserve them.

CANCER

It gets dark so early lately, Cancer. It makes it hard to stay awake past dinner. Makes it hard to remember what we even used to stay awake past dinner for. But this is just for a season. It comes and it goes. It makes it a little easier to stay home and get cozy. Go to bed if you feel like it. Or read a book or watch something funny. There’s plenty of daylight coming when you can see and be seen. For now, just let the darkness do what the darkness does best.

LEO

When I was 10 my granddad taught me to play chess. It was a heavy marble board and the pieces looked ancient. I liked the rules and the structure. I picked it up quickly. He beat me the first game. And again the second. Halfway through the third game, my cousins came over and we went outside to play with remote control cars. And that’s the story of how I never became a chess prodigy. Sometimes, Leo, you’ve got to stick with something if you really want to get good at it. Sometimes, you’d be better off driving an RC Bigfoot down the stairs.

VIRGO

Being an amateur astrologer is a huge responsibility, Virgo. People really look to me for answers about the big questions. But it’s a strange time to be in the business of thinking about the future. Honestly, Virgo, I didn’t see any of this coming. Honestly, I have no idea what’s coming next. But I do know that you’ve done a great job so far. And I know you’ve learned a lot. And I know you’ll be ready.

LIBRA

I saw an article about how microscopes take pictures of the neurons in the human brain that are nearly indistinguishable from photographs taken by powerful telescopes pointed at far away galaxies. I didn’t really read the article, but I looked at the pictures and they’ve got a point. It made me think, Libra, that you’ve been focused on some things that are pretty far away. But if you take a minute to zoom in you might find that you’ve already got those things right here.

SCORPIO

Are we almost done with the most wonderful time of the year yet, Scorpio? I don’t mean to sound like a Grinch, but I have a hard time with all the hype. Sure, there’s lights and trees and marshmallows and all that, but how about we live through it first and then we decide whether or not it was the most wonderful time of the year? What I’m saying is that if you don’t feel wonderful, Scorpio, you don’t have to. Just feel how you feel and we can rate times of year based on wonderfulness later.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained statistician, or a registered crab. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1