HOBOSCOPES

SAGITTARIUS

When I was a kid my grandparents would always get a huge Christmas tree. They had these weird high ceilings and the tree would go all the way to the top. I had to sleep on the sofa in the living room so I’d just lay there and stare at all the lights and ornaments and wonder what great things were under the tree for me. This year, I got myself a little 3 footer at the grocery store. I found some lights and a couple of ornaments. That part was easy, but it’s harder to hope than it used to be. Remember, Sagittarius, that though it’s never quite what we expect, we’re allowed to hope for the things we want. Sometimes we get even better.

CAPRICORN

I think all the best Christmas songs have a little sad to them. In 1944, when Judy Garland’s recording of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” was released, it became a huge hit among American soldiers fighting abroad in the second World War. On the surface it’s a song about happy golden days and shining stars. But one layer down, those soldiers heard about good times that feel far away-lost and a lonesome hope that we might all be together (if the fates allow). If the season feels a little sad this year, Capricorn, remember that it’s not the first time. And if it’s lonely, remember that faithful friends may yet gather near once more.

AQUARIUS

“So what are your plans for the holidays?” they always ask and I usually just list off some scattered unconnected things that seem like likely holiday traditions, “uh... travelling, family, presents, snorkeling (is that one?)” I’ve just never been good with plans. This year, Aquarius, we can stop pretending. Instead of plans what you get is space. A big open space where the plans used to go. But there’s a lot you can do in a space. Clear out a little and sit quiet for a bit. See what ideas arrive.

PISCES

In medieval German lore, elves were tall, pale, powerful people of the forest. They were thought to abduct travellers and seduce villagers away from their families and into the woods. These days elves are tiny and organized and they make toys for Santa at the North Pole! It’s unclear how this happened. We all change, Pisces. Sometimes we even change back. Maybe you feel like you used to be more fierce and unpredictable. Maybe you could put down that toy boat and paintbrush and go scare some townspeople into dropping their firewood.

ARIES

Where did I set down my hot chocolate? I spent a good 15 minutes making hot chocolate so I could sip on it while I watch movies about snow-covered sidewalks and holiday miracles and now I can’t find it anywhere! It’s probably cooling off by now, Aries, I feel like I’m running out of time! But the thing I’ve found is, there’s enough time for everything you need, even if it doesn’t happen the way you expected. You’ve got enough to get through this, Aries. Maybe you just left it on top of the refrigerator.

TAURUS

I grew up in a little town and then I moved to a bigger one. I guess a lot of people have that story, Taurus. I think for a long time it felt like bigger was the only way to succeed. More people, more friends, more places to go. These days it sounds easier to go little. The hopes and fears of all the years tend to pile up and you just want a place where you know what to expect. I get it, Taurus. But whatever the size of your town, you’re gonna have to figure out who you are inside of it. Start there.

GEMINI

The days just keep getting shorter, Gemini. It feels like I get up and take a shower and feed the cats and make breakfast and by the time I open the door the sun is already going down again. And then it’s dark for so long. I eat dinner and watch TV for what seems like hours, I get ready for bed and it’s only 6:30. Time is strange these days, Gemini. You may need to take more control over yours. The best way I’ve sit still in it instead. See how that goes.

CANCER

Looking for the perfect gift for that special someone? Need a holiday gift idea that will knock their socks off without breaking the bank? Yeah, me too. I’ll let you know if I find anything, Cancer. Until then, I’m just trying to remember that the best things in my life are so seldom my possessions and so often the people I love.

LEO

You know the feeling when you get out of the house just in time to get to your appointment and you’re flying down the road at a nice (and perfectly legal) clip and then you roll into a school zone. There’s nothing you can do but slow way, way down. No matter how much you strain your neck and grit your teeth you’re riding in a wonderland of slow. The whole world feels that way lately, Leo. All I can say is, it won’t last forever, so relax your shoulders and turn up the music.

VIRGO

This is my first time having my own Christmas tree and I really hope I can keep up with all it’s demands. The You- Tube video I watched said not to let it dry out so I check the water level about every 20 minutes. Does that sound like enough, Virgo? I figure if I just sleep next to the tree with my hand in the basin, I should wake up if it starts to dry out, right? Sometimes, Virgo, we all overdo it. What would really happen if you stopped pushing so hard for one day?

LIBRA

So what happens in The Nutcracker, exactly? I know there’s, like, a soldier and a Rat King and a giant christmas tree and probably some Sugar Plum fairies. I really lost the plot after that. There are some stories that we tell ourselves year after year. Stories about who we are and why we do the things we do. But it can be hard to understand what’s really going on unless we tell them to somebody else. Who are you telling your stories to, Libra?

SCORPIO

Maybe go the long way home tonight, Scorpio. I heard there’s some great Christmas lights up on the hill at Pinion and Riverrock. It’s the good kind that look like some real dad did them and not more of those weird overly-professional monstrosities. The Stars know you’ve done enough worrying for the week. It’s a great night to drive slow and take in the glow.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a certified reindeer trainer, or registered elf. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1