HOBOSCOPES

CAPRICORN

Just another couple of weeks, and everything should be back to normal, Capricorn! Although, I must admit that “back to normal” has been holding at a two weeks distance for a very long time now. How long have you been waiting? What if this is it, Capricorn? What if this is normal? And if that’s the case, I think today is a great day for you to do the thing you always think you’ll do in a couple of weeks.

AQUARIUS

You order the same thing every time you go. You wear that same shirt every chance you get. You watch that same TV series all the way through and when you get to the end you start back at the beginning. It’s a time for changes, Aquarius, and you’ve got lots of options. If you don’t know what to change, start with something easy to loosen up your brain. Get the shrimp instead of the chicken. Wear a hat. Go by a different name. Get a bionic arm. Feel the power.

PISCES

If your life was a musical, Pisces, this would be my favorite part: the intermission. Act I had so many great songs and then that huge number right before the curtain came down that brought them all together. I think we’ve established who the characters are, what they want, and what’s getting in the way. I’ve got a feeling there’s a lot of surprises coming up in Act II, so maybe take this opportunity to grab an overpriced ginger ale and talk to your seatmates about what’s working and what isn’t.

ARIES

Is it Thursday? It feels like a Thursday, but I’m pretty sure the garbage got picked up yesterday, which would definitely make this a Tuesday. But it can’t be Tuesday because I didn’t go to my Amateur Astrologer’s Astral meetup in my sleep last night. Maybe they canceled this week? Nothing seems like it’s happening in the right order right now, Aries. Enjoy it while it lasts. See how long you can go without finding out what day it is.

TAURUS

After weeks of action and distraction, it’s strange when everything around just starts to slow down. It’s like you stopped paying attention just long enough for the room to fill with honey. It makes it hard to want to keep moving. Maybe you don’t have to, Taurus. Let the slow wrap you up and pull you in. There’s no rush, Taurus. Have a seat and let your mind wander.

GEMINI

I feel like every year of my childhood has a different flavor. When I hear 1985, I can almost taste buttery movie theater popcorn. When I think about 1991, it’s more like a tangy but thin store-brand ketchup. What was last year’s flavor for you, Gemini? I’m hoping this next year tastes a little better. What would it be if you could pick?

CANCER

I just started listening to this podcast where an aspiring journalist goes to a small, sleepy town and starts asking questions about a crime that happened a decade ago. As you can imagine, Cancer, they uncover some surprises. Like, how could the detective have a Slurpee at 9 a.m. when it’s a well established fact that the Slurpee machine at Pine and Rivercrest never got turned on until 11? It reminded me that this is a great time for you to do some heavy-hitting investigation into your own emotional responses. How do you feel right now? Interesting.

LEO

When you take stock of the last year, Leo, you may think about areas where you made progress and areas where you wish you had. You’ll think about the opportunities you took and the ones you missed. While you’re deep in that list, I’d like you to add one more category. What difference did it make to anybody else? As you stretch forward into a new year, give a thought to how your actions could make life easier for the people around you.

VIRGO

At what point are you actually in the tub? You can lean over the tub. Soak your feet in the tub. You can stand in the tub while it fills. Some would say you can even sit in the tub without being “in the tub.” But I think this next year is the one for you to get all the way in, Virgo. You’ve been so close for so long and I think it’s time you stop wading. Get in. Get in like you’re gonna be in for a while.

LIBRA

You know that one commercial that plays before every video you watch lately. You probably searched for the product one time and you have no intention of buying it and now it plays at the beginning of everything you want to see. I’d just like to point out that I have now caused that commercial to play in your brain at the beginning of this horoscope. Your mind is a powerful place to hang. Don’t let just anybody in there.

SCORPIO

I think this year’s gonna be different, Scorpio. When they do the countdown from 10 and then everybody screams and kisses and the trumpets blare and all the new calendars fall from the ceiling, I think things are really gonna be different. But just in case they aren’t, Scorpio, just in case the changing date doesn’t fix everything you’ve wanted to change, I just wanted to say that I really like the way you are already and I think you’re doing a fantastic job.

SAGITTARIUS

All the shows we stopped watching last year, Sagittarius. The ones where we just couldn’t get past the second episode. The ones we almost finished and then forgot about. The ones we’ve watched for seasons and seasons but this time we just couldn’t keep going. Set them all free as you step forward into this bold new future. You don’t have to finish those shows. You don’t even have to think about them anymore.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered plumber, or a trained librettist. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1