HOBOSCOPES

LEO

I should really mow the lawn, but the mower is still out of gas. And really, it’s too hot to walk to the gas station, but then it’s also too close to drive. I could wait til the sun goes down, but nobody likes a night-mower. Plus, if I go out, they’ll want me to wear pants and it’s way too hot for all that. Maybe you need an excuse to take it easy today, Leo. I’ve got plenty to share. But if you feel like you need to take some time and sit and breathe, just go for it.

VIRGO

Close your eyes and pretend 100 years have passed. Nobody then will be listening to your favorite band. Nobody will have seen your favorite TV show. And, most likely, nobody will be thinking about you (or me, for that matter). In just 100 brief years, all the things that seem the most important today, will be replaced by something of new importance which will then be replaced again. So what is it today, Virgo, that’s got you so worried? And what can you do to change it?

LIBRA

Cats get hairballs. I’m letting you know, Libra, because I feel like that’s not something they talk about when they give you a cat. They talk about purring and food and claws and litter boxes but they don’t mention that you’re likely to step on a wet hairball as you’re trying to get ready to head out the door in the morning. Don’t get me wrong, I’m 100% pro-cat. I just think a fully-informed Libra is likely to make better decisions this week. So this is me doing my part.

S C O R P I O

Let’s see, I think that helpful little rhyme goes “30 days hath September, April, June, and November. July has at least 39, and then August has something like four dozen. All the rest are unknown quantities at this point. Who’s asking?” It’s not just you, Scorpio. Time definitely feels a little off lately. It’s a great chance for you to practice being in the moment. Whether it’s Aug. 3rd or Sept. 62nd, you’ll at least know who you are and what you’re doing.

SAGITTARIUS

On Oct. 22, 1844 the followers of William Miller sold their possessions and sat on their roofs to wait for the end of the world. Miller had decoded the ancient prophecies and had determined that their saviour would descend from the sky on that very day. It later became known as “The Great Disappointment.” You might relate, Sagittarius. The world still hasn’t ended and, as it turns out, you have to keep going. Disappointing, to be sure, but see if you can’t find something to be grateful for in all that.

TAURUS

When the ancient Greeks talked about “The Seven Seas,” they meant theAegean, Adriatic, Mediterranean, Black, Red, and Caspian seas, plus thePersian Gulf. On a globe, it’s just a little circle around the edges ofEurope and Asia. But that was a way to talk about the whole world. Theworld keeps getting bigger, Taurus. Just when you think you’ve got itfigured out, somebody adds another sea. All I can tell you is, keep onsailing. We’re not anywhere near the end.

CAPRICORN

There are two rabbits in my backyard. They’re just out there stretching and scratching and sniffing around. You know, just rabbity stuff. But I need to let the dog out and I don’t want any trouble, so I have to pound on the door as loud as I can before I open it. Sure, they’ll be terrified. They’ll jump up and hop away, hearts pounding. But it’s the only way to keep them safe, Capricorn. Sometimes fear keeps you safe. Take the warning, Capricorn. But get back to rabbiting as soon as you can.

GEMINI

12 is not super old for a cat. Sure, he might need a little extraattention and a specialized diet, but you wouldn’t say the cat is “old.”However, Gemini, I do think 12 years is getting kind of old for aperspective. There are some things that you’ve been looking at the same way for a little too long. Your perspective is just not keeping up anymore. It hasn’t been working well lately. That perspective has served you well, but I think it’s time for something with see the ferret anymore.

AQUARIUS

There’s a lot of reasons not to like the heat, Aquarius. First, there’s the sweating. I get tired of the sweating. I mean I can do it for a little while, I just don’t like it when my clothes become noticeably wet. I mean, I guess it is kind of a miracle that our bodies have ways of keeping us cool, even if they are kind of gross. Sometimes things are working for our good even though we don’t like them.

PISCES

Doesn’t that cloud kind of look like a bear? Or maybe more like a ferret? Wait, Pisces, it shifted a little. Now it just looks like a duck wearing a fedora. I’m sure this time. I’ve really got a grip on it now. No...wait. It’s a cloud that looks exactly like my father coming home from work holding a briefcase and an umbrella. You see it, right? Sometimes the way we see things shifts, Pisces. Be willing to admit it if you just can’t

ARIES

It’s lonely times out there, Aries. Remember when we used to get together every afternoon and have long, meaningful, face-to-face conversations that would end with crying and laughing and then having dinner and then staying up late talking about our fears and dreams? Yeah, I guess I never really did that very much either. But why didn’t we? Next chance we get, Aries. We’ll for sure do it the next chance we get.

CANCER

They say that if you love somebody, set them free. I’m a little unclear on what the arrangement was at the beginning. I mean, Cancer, you really should make sure that the people you are in relationship with feel “free” already. And if you love somebody, and they already feel free, I’d say you’re doing pretty good.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, an authorized resale agent, or a verified account. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1