HOBOSCOPES

TAURUS

Spring is finally here! Or is it summer? I feel like this year is absolutely flying by, Taurus. I think it’s because some part of me is still waiting for it to start. Nothing’s gone as planned over these past months and it seems like any minute now I’ll be able to get started on all the things I wanted to do in 2020. I’m beginning to think it’s not gonna happen that way. I think it may turn out, Taurus, that we need to just do everything today that we want to do today. Tomorrow is just an idea.

GEMINI

It was at a Little Richard concert in Baltimore in 1956 that the world changed forever. The music from the stage was as thrilling as ever, but that’s not where the innovation would arise, Gemini. The crowd was going wild. They danced, they applauded, they shouted, but then something new happened. For what may be the first time in concert-going history, an excited fan removed her underwear and threw it onto the stage. Nothing has ever been the same. What new ways might you find to express yourself this week, Gemini? I’d suggest playing some Little Richard to see where things go.

CANCER

Of the 12 human beings who have walked on the moon, four are still alive. Still, there are those who say it never happened. That we never went to the moon. That it was all an elaborate fake. Honestly, Cancer, I can’t prove we went to the moon. But I know people who study engineering. And I know people who fly planes. I know people who love science. I know people who run for political office. And one thing they all have in common is that they are terrible, terrible actors. Being a convincing actor is a very specific skill-set. It takes talent, training and practice. Most conspiracy theories fall apart when you watch a politician, pilot, or athlete try to act in a simple comedy sketch. Stick to what you know, Cancer.

LEO

I grew up watching a lot of The Brady Bunch. What is the thing with sitcoms wanting to fit more and more people in a single house? I feel like the premise of every TV show from 1970 to 1995 is just “Wait, now we’re adopting our cousins and both Grandpas just moved in and there are now 23 people living in this modest two-bathroom home.” I think it’s because community is chaos and we like to see it play out. We love it when the people on TV can figure out solutions and get along because it means maybe we can too. I’m not sure if you’ll work it all out this week, Leo, but I know that if Jan and Marcia can get along, you and yours have at least a shot.

VIRGO

My oldest cat has to eat an expensive prescription food for her kidneys. My other cat has perfectly healthy kidneys, but he’s always trying to steal the expensive food. So I have to buy my healthy cat a special food that will distract him from the expensive kidney food. Now I spend way too much time standing and watching my cats eat to make sure they stay in the right bowl. It’s exhausting. Anyway, Virgo, I just wanted to remind you that it’s easy to spend a lot of time and energy on very tiny things and it’s important to look up every once in a while and acknowledge that there’s a whole big world that is amazing and scary and you can only tend to one miniscule problem at a time. But something as simple as a purring cat in your lap can make it all worthwhile.

LIBRA

In 1895, the philosopher William James wrote that there are two ways that people know things. Firstly, you can know something “immediately.” It’s the way you know there are words appearing before your eyes right now. Your senses tell you so. Or you can know things “representatively.” He used the example of tigers in India. James had never been to India, but he “knew” that there were tigers there. It was information from multiple sources that consistently prove to be true. Skepticism can be beneficial when a source is unproven, but when reliable source after reliable source tells you there are tigers in India, Libra, I think it’s OK to believe them.

S C O R P I O

First I tried productivity. “I’ll create something amazing!” Then I tried receptivity. “I’ll learn so much!” Then restoration. “I’ll bring peace to my innermost self.” After that I moved to rejuvenation. “I’ll rediscover the things that I love!” That was all the first week. Now I’m just distracted, despondent, decaying and devolving. Sometimes it’s hard to meet the expectations of our intentions. Sometimes we’ve just got to slog through it and sort it out later.

SAGITTARIUS

The Lone Ranger used to wander the western plains bringing justice to a lawless world. “Who was that masked man?” The rescued townspeople would ask as he rode into the sunset. These days, Sagittarius, justice seems to be a more complicated matter. There are societal norms that have to be broken down. There are generational wrongs that you can’t right with a single dramatic act. Move toward justice, Sagittarius, but back up and get your bearings first. It’s gonna be a long, long ride before we can head out of this town.

CAPRICORN

So you’re going for more walks than ever, Capricorn. That’s fantastic! Being outdoors and moving around is great for your brain and your body. And here’s the great news: even if your life starts to get a little more structured and scheduled and back-to-normally, you’re still allowed to keep that up. If there’s anything you’ve loved about this weird time, do whatever you can to hang on to it as you move into your new normal.

AQUARIUS

When I was a kid we got those killer bees. I don’t mean, like, I had killer bees, I just mean they were sweeping the nation. I don’t mean they were actually everywhere. I think they were just in Texas and maybe Florida? But we were scared of them even though we never saw them. Of course we all get scared of things we can’t see, Aquarius, and sometimes rightly so. But we can only spend so much time focussing on those fears. There’s other things to see out there, Aquarius. Flowers and trees and normal little bees making it all happen. Take a minute and stare at one of those today.

PISCES

It’s warming up out there, Pisces. The sun is shining bright. This time of year, there’s just one place I want to be: in a dark air conditioned room watching a movie. And it’s amazing that with today’s technology, it’s possible for me to spend every waking hour in a dark, air conditioned room doing exactly that. Sometimes I have to remember, Pisces, that I’ve only got so many days to walk in the sun and feel that warmth on my skin. We should probably invest at least a little bit out there every day.

ARIES

Everywhere I look these days there’s a sign telling me what I ought to do and what I ought not to. Stand here. Employees only. No parking. It’s enough to make an amateur astrologer feel like he’s under the thumb of The Man. But then I remember Aries, that most of those signs are about keeping me and everybody else safe and healthy. If I thought of something to keep people safe and healthy, I might make a sign about it, too. Cause we’ve got to look out for each other, Aries. Not everybody can look out for themselves.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained bee keeper, or a certified NASA engineer. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1