HOBOSCOPES

GEMINI

It’s beach weather, Gemini! Grab your sunglasses and your towel, hit up the sunscreen bottle and...well, honestly, I think you should still probably stay home. It’s not so bad, Gemini. Personally, I’ve spent years not going to the beach when I want to go to the beach (mostly because I don’t live within 500 miles of one). There are still ways to get out there in the sun and listen to the sounds of the birds and the water. You just have to get creative. A yard with a sprinkler can help.

CANCER

John Steinbeck once said that “a problem difficult at night is resolved in the morning after the committee of sleep has worked on it.” Tonight I’m inclined in his direction. You can keep fighting and insist on arriving at an absolute, but it looks to me like you could use some time and some space and some rest before coming up with an answer on this one, Cancer. Give it the night and see what things look like in the morning.

LEO

Then there’s the story of the fox and the grapes. The fox sees the grapes hanging high. The fox leaps and bites and scratches and stretches and never can reach them. Defeated, the fox decides the grapes are sour. They never were worth his time. The part of the story that gets left out is that grapes are toxic to foxes (And dogs! Don’t forget!). They can cause rapid kidney failure and death. So even if the grapes were sweet, Leo, the fox was after something that no fox needs. What are you striving for this week?

VIRGO

Today I looked at my phone to check the news, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. 15 minutes later I find myself 46 comments down in a thread debating whether the Mexican McAloo Tiki is better than the Lebanese McAloo Tiki. What are we doing, Virgo? If you need a break from the news, go ahead and take a break from the screen, too. Read a book in the sun. Take a walk in the rain. Garden at night. Do anything that keeps your eyes off the glow of the phone.

LIBRA

So there’s 13 turkey vultures sitting on the roof of the old empty gas station across the street. Some people might think that’s a bad sign, Libra, but you and I know better. We know that vultures belong to the genus cathartes, a word which comes from the greek for “purifier.” When things get messy, nature always has a way of tidying up. Vultures can make short work of messes I wouldn’t want to go near. This week, Libra, don’t be afraid to make a mess, but keep a clean-up strategy in mind. If you don’t do it, somebody else will.

S C O R P I O

I wonder if Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother was mad. I mean, after the wolf ate her and then the woodsman cut her out she must have heard the whole story. To think, your granddaughter thought a wolf wearing your clothes looked pretty much just like you. How embarrassing. It’s challenging when the people closest to us seem not to know us at all, Scorpio. But in this case, I think you should give us all another shot. We were fooled by what we wanted to believe. It’s no reason you should stop telling us who you are.

SAGITTARIUS

In some parts of the world, it used to be common to harvest and save ice during the winter. Blocks would be cut from the frozen lake and be saved in ice houses until things warmed up. Ice blocks could be pulled out and used for cooling on hot days. When things get hot, Sagitarius, and you turn on your air conditioner, think about what you could be saving now to make your life easier later.

CAPRICORN

Tell me the story of your life, Capricorn. What do you think are the most crucial parts? What are the things that make you the unique person that you are? You know more than anybody else about you, but when it comes down to it, you’re doing a little bit of guesswork. Even a good autobiography is essentially a work of fan-fiction. We know some of what happened. We know some of when. We can make good guesses at why. Next time you tell the story, try to be a little more flexible in your ideas of what it means. See what you might learn about yourself than you didn’t already know.

AQUARIUS

Mousetraps and fishhooks both seem like pretty dirty tricks to me. I mean, you get somebody acting on pure impulse, excited about some great find and then you turn the situation around on them. Not what they were expecting at all. The old switcheroo. You may feel like you got a little bit of a bad trade yourself, Aquarius. Like maybe you thought it wouldn’t go this way. All I can tell you is, you aren’t as trapped as you are afraid. You aren’t as stuck as you feel. A new switcheroo might be available to you. One where you do the switching yourself.

PISCES

When tomatoes were introduced to Europe, they were thought to be poisonous. They were known to be eaten in the New World, but for some reason, Europeans who ate them often got sick and sometimes died. Turns out, the pewter plates that were popular at the time were also very high in lead content. Tomatoes high acidity would leech the lead out of the plates, leaving diners with lead poisoning. Sometimes you can see what’s happening, Pisces, but you’re wrong about why.

ARIES

Who are your enemies, Aries? Can you list them? Have they wronged you? Do they believe you have wronged them? What do you want for them, Aries? It’s a tough thing to think through. Some people think they have no enemies. Some people think they want their enemies to suffer. If those are your answers, read through the questions again, more slowly.

TAURUS

Tomorrow is my day off, Taurus. Of course, an amateur astrologer’s work is never really done. Still, I think I’ll try to relax a little bit. Maybe I’ll read a book. Maybe I’ll take the dog for a walk. It used to seem more important, which days are work days and which days are off. But it’s still important to give yourself time, Taurus. Turn off the work-brain and leave the life-brain on. Working or not, you’ve got to give yourself some space. Let me know what you come up with.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained mythologist, or a certified vulture trainer. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1