HOBOSCOPES

ARIES

I keep hearing people talking about “the foreseeable future” lately. I’ve always been especially interested in the foreseeable future. As an amateur astrologer, I’m probably supposed to act like all future is foreseeable. Like I saw this coming and I know what’s next. But that’s not where I’m at, Aries. I don’t know what’s out there in the series of unforeseeable tomorrows. But I know you’ve been doing all kinds of new things in this unexpected present that you never thought you could do. And I expect you’ll be able to keep up with whatever comes next.

TAURUS

My uncle’s chiropractor says this whole thing was made up by the cardboard box industry to trick us into ordering more things in cardboard boxes. My 8th grade gym teacher says it’s the Canadian mafia getting back at us for making fun of their moose hats. Sometimes I get caught up in ideas I run into online, I mean, wouldn’t it be weird if that moose hat thing were true? When I’m not sure who to trust, I just check the website for The Council for Health Among Amateur Astrology Professionals (CHAAAP). They’re a panel of specialists who are deferring to the experts who have actually studied what’s going on and take it seriously. This is no time for your uncle’s fringe theories, Taurus. Listen to the experts.

GEMINI

I woke up sneezing this morning with a scratchy throat and itchy eyes. Do you think it’s serious? Is this the end for me? Or could it be related to the family of feral kittens that I’m letting live under my desk? (I am extremely allergic to cats, but they’re adorable, Gemini! They haven’t even opened their eyes yet!) Just because you have the symptoms doesn’t mean you have the disease. Take a step back and look at your circumstances before you jump to any conclusions, Gemini. Be cautious, but stay open to all possibilities.

CANCER

What day is it, Cancer? I’m pretty sure yesterday was Thursday, but trash pickup is on Tuesdays which definitely happened this morning and the morning DJ on the radio just wished everybody a “Happy Humpday” but then he started crying and played Manic Monday. Putting all that together I think this may be Friday or possibly some kind of midweek Saturday? The thing is, Cancer it doesn’t matter what day it is. It just matters what you do with it.

LEO

I used to always have an excuse to avoid self-enrichment. The History of Astrology classes at the community college cost too much. My weekly arithmancy meetup was a 40 minute drive from my house which always made it easy to skip. The astral projection workshops at the YMCA always overlap with my shift at work. But now I’ve got all the time in the world and everything is online and free. But I’m still not doing it. I think it’s ok not to jump at every opportunity, Leo. I think we’re tired. I think we need to take care of ourselves and each other. I think this is a good time to figure out what’s really important anyway. Drop the guilt and take a break.

VIRGO

You’re still just watching the numbers, Virgo. How much did they go up today? What’s the percentage? What’s the trend? What’s the shape of the curve on the Y axis? You refresh the page again and stare and try to figure out what it all means. And I know you just want to understand, Virgo, but I think you should recognize that it’s also a way to try to control something that none of us can control. Not alone, anyway. It’s fine. Refresh the page. But then take a break. Look at something smaller. Focus on something that’s yours to change.

LIBRA

How will we know when things are getting better, Libra? Lately it’s hard to trust any good news. And good news doesn’t always look how we expect it to. But don’t dismiss the positive just because it isn’t as bleak as you expected things to be. Sure, check your sources. Ask questions. But be ready for something better.

SCORPIO

I’ve been the only person inside the Wandering Hills Super Video and Tan for more than a month now. I really wish I’d brought a change of clothes, but I just have my usual polo shirt and khakis. It’s the official employee uniform. Fortunately we had a bunch of promotional t-shirts from the VHS release of Terminator II. I’ve worn most of them at least once. We’ve all learned a lot lately about using what we’ve got on hand, Scorpio. As we move on to whatever is next, remember how you learned to do more with less.

SAGITTARIUS

I hear a lot of talk about getting things “back to normal.” It does have a certain appeal, Sagittarius. Normal. But normal doesn’t have to be your goal. Maybe this is a chance to walk in a different direction altogether. It turns out you’re capable of some stuff you never knew. You can do a lot with a little. What else might you be capable of? The unknown is scary, but you’ve made it this far. Why turn back now?

CAPRICORN

I have a friend who runs marathons. 26.2 miles. He tells me he’s not fast, but I wouldn’t know the difference. He says the main thing about it isn’t speed, it’s just keeping on going. If you make it 10 miles, that’s great, you’re amazing! But you aren’t there yet. Don’t stop. If you make it 20, that’s incredible! But don’t stop. You’re doing it, Capricorn. Don’t stop now. Wait until you cross the finish line.

AQUARIUS

You went through all the stages, Aquarius. First there was denial — this isn’t happening. Then there was anger — how could this happen to me? You did bargaining. You got through the depression. And now you’re starting to accept it. Just in time for everything to change again. Sometimes, Aquarius, when circumstances get better it feels like a loss because of how much we learned and changed when things were hard. Whatever you feel, even when everybody says it’s time to feel good again, is yours to feel.

PISCES

These things take time, Pisces. No matter how hard you push on it or how fast you move, it just takes time. You’ve done great so far. You’ve been patient and thoughtful. You’ve been intentional and brave. But don’t rush to the end. It’s tempting to call it over before the end. But you’ll be glad if you see the whole thing through.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained chiropractor, or a certified allergist. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1