Hoboscopes

HOBOSCOPES

AQUARIUS

You may feel a little lost, but according to this map, Aquarius, Demitrius has picked up your tacos and is heading your way. Yes, it seems he has a few stops to make before he gets to you. That may not have been what you had in mind when you placed your order. You might have expected all of this to happen more quickly and in a straighter line. But trust the process, Aquarius. Trust Demetrius and believe that your tacos will be with you at exactly the right moment.

PISCES

My phone keeps showing me ads for products to improve my snoring. My phone just can’t appreciate that I’m already great at snoring. One of the best. But everyone’s a critic these days, Pisces, trying to trim away the things that make us unique. Whatever ads your phone is trying to sell you today, try to remember that your personality, patterns, and skills aren’t a problem to be fixed. Maybe it’s time I let my phone sleep in the other room — see how it likes that. And maybe it’s time for you to accept yourself as you are.

ARIES

Every winter when the days are especially cold and windy, my hands get all dry and itchy. Sometimes it gets really bad and my knuckles crack and start to bleed a little bit. Then after a few weeks the spring comes I forget that it ever even happened. And I think pain is just kind of like that. When it’s happening it’s ever-present and when it’s gone we forget what it was like. But I’m starting to understand that it comes back every year. And that maybe there’s some way to be more equipped. I got some cream to put on my hands at night and in the morning. And maybe next year I’ll remember. And maybe next time your pain starts to rise back up you’ll remember what helped last time. Or at least that you made it through.

TAURUS

Somewhere halfway around the world there’s a war. Somewhere between here and there, is a room full of men with ties who are using people’s lives like poker chips in a game they never lose. But before you get to that room, Taurus, you’ll find a parking lot down the street where somebody’s asking strangers for enough money just to get through the night. And, of course, there’s the roof you live under. And there’s enough that needs doing in that space to keep someone busy for a lifetime. So what’s yours to care about? What’s yours to do? What’s the work today? I think start small. And try not to take on more worry than you can provide action to balance.

GEMINI

There are a lot of people out there who say you should never give up on your dreams, Gemini. I used to hear that and think it meant I needed to stay on course. That if I just stuck with my plan, I’d get to where I always wanted to go. But I think about it differently now. I think sometimes you have to give up. You have to give up on the details of your path. You have to give up on everything going just right. Sure, keep your destination in your mind. Hang on to that idea of what you’re becoming. But give up on being in control of every part. When you give up, you can get creative. You can find another way there.

CANCER

Thanks for inviting me to your show, Cancer. I wanted to go but I had to get up really early the next day so I couldn’t stay out that late. It’s just that I’ve really been enjoying sunrises lately. If you haven’t seen one in a while I think this is a great week for it. I’m not suggesting you do anything catastrophic to your circadian rhythm, but if you happen to wake up while it’s still dark out, and if you happen to feel like stepping outside and looking east for a bit, I do feel like it’s worth it. If that sounds too early, I totally get it, Cancer, but find some way to unplug from the constant stream of information and lock in with the beauty out your front door. Maybe I’ll make it to your next one.

LEO

When I was in school there was a minute where everybody was really into slap-bracelets. You know those things? They’re flat, stiff pieces of plastic and then you smack it against your wrist and it wraps around it all tight? It seemed like everybody in class had one of those except for me. And a few weeks later I found one under the bleachers and I brought it to class to show my friends, but nobody cared anymore. Everybody had moved on to those erasers that look like bugs. I never got one of those, but it did teach me something about how impossible it is to keep up with trends. Now it’s that way with information. There’s no way you can keep up with the discourse of the moment, Leo, it moves too fast. Just find something that grabs you by the wrist and stick with that. Don’t let go of what moves you, even if everybody else has moved on.

VIRGO

They pick up trash every Monday and both trash and recycling every-other Monday. I can’t remember which Monday it was this week, all I know is that I forgot to take my bins to the curb and now they’re overflowing. It wouldn’t be so bad, but I think it’s the third week in a row that I’ve forgotten. At this point I’m just putting full bags on top of the lid and flattened cardboard between the bins. If you feel like things are piling-up, Virgo — if you keep missing deadlines and can’t keep your days straight, you’re not alone. I think it’s time for a full reset. Whatever mess you’re sitting on, just drag it all out to the curb today. Don’t wait for Monday. Get free now.

LIBRA

People ask me why I never tie my shoes. It’s not that I’m in too much of a hurry or that I didn’t notice. It’s that it adds just a little bit of challenge to my walk. I have to be more careful not to trip and I have to move more slowly to keep my shoes from falling off my feet. And it reminds me that things aren’t so easy for everybody. When I finally get where I’m going, I’m less likely to fault others for being irritable or distracted or late. I know it’s hard out there for lots of reasons. Tie your shoes, Libra, but don’t forget that not everybody had such an easy time getting here.

SCORPIO

I can explain, Scorpio. I went into the astral barber shop and showed the guy a picture of you and I said “Make me look how Scorpio feels.” I guess I didn’t realize how complicated things have been for you lately. Of course, my celestial barber, being a professional, knew instantly. So if you can ignore the frosted-bangs, triple-high ponytail, radiating amber waves, and cascading-spaghettio sideburn-ringlets, then I’d love to sit down and hear all about everything you’ve been navigating lately. If you’re embarrassed to be seen with me, maybe just make a date with a friend you’ve been avoiding.

SAGITTARIUS

There’s only one right way to load the dishwasher, Sagittarius. I think you know what I mean. It’s not about whether you put the bowls in the slots on the top shelf or the rows on the bottom. It doesn’t matter if the forks go tinesup or tines down. It’s not even a matter of whether plates all face the same direction or mirror toward the center. The right way to load the dishwasher is simple, Sagittarius. Just do it before somebody asks you to.

CAPRICORN

My grandmother used to get migraines and she would boil these herbs on the stovetop and then drink the water and she said it really helped. When I started getting migraines I looked up those herbs and apparently scientific studies have found they “produce no benefit greater than placebo.” But do you know what science shows that has a lot of unexpected benefits? Placebos. So, Capricorn, I boil the herbs and I’m pretty sure they help. If what you’re doing is working, keep it up. If it’s not, try something you believe in more.

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Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered herbalist, or a certified dishwasher. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1