Scribble by The Scribe

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All the news too true to print...

Vol. XV, Issue 4 Francis Parker School April 2013

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Body Typeface: Minion Pro 10.5 pt Header Typeface: Century Gothic Bold Folio Typeface: Century Gothic Paper Stock: 100# Glossy Book Printed On: Xerox Docutech Printed By: IPS Publishing, San Diego, CA

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a COVER WITH THE LIBRARY ON IT by Cian Lavin TOC: a Bunch of inside jokes you probably won’t understand Staff Page: a list of people who eat all of yearbook’s snacks Editor’s Note: i’M STILL BITTER BECAUSE this isn’t what i wrote by Katie Kreitzer GBU: I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING BAD TO SAY by Claire Bryan

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a GUILT TRIP ABOUT BEING A RICH, WHITE MALE by Nishon Tyler I HAVE ANOTHER OPINION by Nishon Tyler I signed up for this article and never wrote it by Katie Kreizer YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT POLITICS by Raphie Cantor I WORKED for obama by Matt Gluck GUN CONTROL by One of the Sams MISS SOUTHWORTH MADE ME SHAVE MY BEARD by Raphie Cantor I Won’t Write Articles Even Though I’m A LITERARY GOD by Stanley Gambucci High School is Stressful by Kasey Hutcheson College Applications are Stressful by Kasey Hutcheson College is Going to be Stressful by Kasey Hutcheson let me tell you about the website by Soren Hansen

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Was this by Natalie or Bri? by Natalie Schmidt or Bri Goldberg An In-Depth Investigation That Took Me Four Months by Michaela Rodriguez I Love the Sound of my Own Voice by Mark Klein I Hang Out With Teachers on Saturdays by Katie Kreitzer Does Being In Love With Myself Make Me A Lesbian? by Caroline Merkin WHO CARES– YOU WON’T READ THIS by Audrey Yang I Like Adjectives and Emotions by Jake Siegler I Like To Pretend I Wrote My Own Article by Patrick Barba My Page Is The Only One Done by Arielle Swedback I Wish I Was Raphie Cantor by Max Feye Why Am I In Scribe? by Colin Grey

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I Wrote Every Lead for this Section by Jake Siegler A List of Songs Nobody Knows by Olivia Fidler Ethnic Food That Will Probably Give You Diarrhea by Claire Kim Culinology by Hopefully No One Ever Again The Underclassmen I Didn’t Hook Up With by Molly Morrison Thinking Thoughtful Thoughts in Point Loma by Sean Waters I Buy All My Clothes At Goodwill by Jake Siegler UNDERGROUND ARTIST SPOTLIGHT: Macklemore by Patrick Barba Shut Up, Sean by Claire Kim and Stanley Gambucci

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Nobody Signed Up For Sports Articles by Jack Benoit I Have Nothing To Edit, But I Wouldn’t Do Edits Anyway by Colin Grey I Wrote This Article While My Boyfriend Had Pneumonia by Maggie McGregor Squash Is A Real Sport, I Swear! by Sean Waters AN ARTICLE IN BY EVERY DEADLINE by No One Ever

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Always Cars by Charlotte Dick-Godfrey Hot Not Trendy by Everyone in The Scribe Except Dutra This quadrant page literally just got finished by Jay Gardenswartz Four Kids Everyone Already Knows by Patrick Riley I don’t like to write articles by myself by Caroline Merkin The Scribe speaks by Someone Intellectual The Scribe speaks again by Someone Deep The Scribe Won’t Shut Up by Someone Mediocre BACK COVER by Honestly, Do You Even Care?

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THE CLIQUE Editors-in-Chief THE HUGGING CHIEF DEB SINGGER Design Chief GAMBUCC-WITH-A-TUSH-I Managing Editor EDITING EDITOR Layout Editor dutch Opinions Editors KATIE KREITZER SPUTNIK Features Editors SAM WHO? THE NAUGHTY SCHOOLGIRL Arts & Culture Editors FRIDGE DWELLER BIG BOOTY JUDY Sports Editors SHELLEY Benoit ______________ Etcetera Editors GET-OUT-OF-THE-WAY JAY ROUGH PATCH Photo Editor DON’T TOUCH MY CAMERA Web Editors I HAVE 12 CHINS THE VIRGIN MARY Staff Writers THE VIRGIN PRINCETON BARBA THE PRETTY SOPHOMORE char-zar I HEART HOLBROOK GOLD(BERG)EN GIRL I’M A TODDLER SEXUAL TENSION WHICH SAM ARE YOU? FERNANDO TORRES N’SHAWN-E SEE-THROUGH SEAN “TOO NICE TO BE HERE” YANG Adviser DOLLY PARTON

EDITOrIAL POLICY The magazine you hold in your hands is absolute bologna (and yes, that’s how you spell bologna). Originating from pigs straight out of the beautiful fields of Ohio or Idaho or somewhere horrible, and processed at an all-organic, cruelty-free, child-labor-free, teenage-labor-rich factory somewhere in the middle of nowhere, it is finally ready to leap onto your bread, onto your hands, and into your slimy little adolescent mouths. Devour this. Savor this. It’s the only taste of humor you’ll get in one of our magazines this year (Sorry staff, but you know it’s true). In other words, this magazine is completely fake. (It isn’t in your hands right now: this is an optical illusion.) If we report that Mr. Barsky recently got a “Yolo” tattoo on his left bicep, don’t believe us. If we report that Mr. Fickling’s guilty pleasure is watching Gossip Girl with Ms. Hanscom, don’t believe us... but perhaps double check to make sure we aren’t right. Holla at us: email fpsscribe@gmail.com with any praises, award nominations, or “you offended me” complaints. We’ll be sure not to read or care about them. Pretend you’re taking notes in class and pull up http://fpsthescribe.com to scroll through articles that actually make sense (And yes, Nishon Tyler’s articles do make sense, you’re probably just not smart enough to understand them). Like our Facebook fanpage at http://www.facebook.com/fpsthescribe to clog your newsfeed with survey statuses and pictures of our staff being more attractive than you.

PHOTOGRAPH BY PUSHY FRESHMAN HOMEOMING MOMS

I used to read The Scribe in all my classes the day it came out instead of paying attention to my teacher’s lessons, but now I’d rather pay attention to biology and calculus than drown in the huge amounts of black text and long words The Scribe has become. I don’t want to read about current events and ADHD, I want to read crude jokes and Gossip Girl. What happened to the old Scribe? Sincerely, Lazy and Unintelligent. Look, We aren’t here to dumb down the world for you. Reading is a skill you learned in kindergarten, and unless you don’t actually go to Parker and have been hiding under a rock for the past 12 years of your life, it’s pretty embarrassing that you’ve forgotten how to do it. We’re sorry if you have a rough time making it through 60 pages of something, but that’s simply not our fault. And yes, we’ll be the first ones to acknowledge that losing Rb Ganon and Ben Peters from the staff has taken a detrimental hit on our humor, but who are you to judge that? You’re just a reader. We don’t make this magazine for readers. PS: Do you have an issue with black text? Would you prefer white text? Are you a racist?

Why do you all feel the need to love each other so much? Why does your magazine staff get along, and hang out together, and walk together, and laugh together, and smile all the time? It’s rude and it’s irritating. Do us all a favor and stop it. Stop the happiness. Stop the love. Stop the cliqueness. This is Francis Parker, not the Mean Girls’ cafeteria. Sincerely, Bitter and On the Outs Lover, Your unhappiness is putting tears in our eyes. Come into our arms, cuddle us, take your frown and turn it upside down. We aren’t in first grade anymore; none of us actually believe that passing secret notes to each other and whispering amongst ourselves about “invaders” is actually appropriate human activity. We do not hold weekly cult forest bonfires or collect photos to paste in our burn book. Instead, we prefer to spend our time jam packed in this room cursing at computers, procrastinating to Beyoncé, and yelling at Sean Waters. Join us, if you will. Notice me, Patty. Nurture me, Patty. Give me your love and your golden heart, Patty. Don’t waste a minute. Don’t waste an hour. Give me a smile and a prom corsage flower. I’m waiting, Patty. I’m wishing, Patty. I want your hand and your tender touch, Patty. You are my only. You are my pride. You are the only way I will survive. Sincerely, Who Could I Possibly Be? Patty, Are you actually being the blonde-haired, blue-eyed soccer player who writes poems to himself? We thought Carson Scott graduated last year.

KATIE KREITZER Editor-in-Chief

TH E G OO D the beehive

THE B EAU T IFU L brown and gold

Our school colors have taken heat for a century and quite frankly everyone needs to get off their case. Get your mind out of the gutter: that is 100% inappropriate and not okay. Brown and gold are beautiful. Gold is delicate: it is everything yellow can’t be—sophisticated and inspiring. Brown is powerful, brown tells all your biggest self doubts to crawl back into the small crevice in your brain they came out of. It suits every member of the student’s body skin tone no matter what, and matches with every piece of clothing you could possibly own. Stop the hate and integrate these amazing gender-neutral colors into your everyday outfit.

There is good reason to appreciate the oldest building on our campus. Created in 1966, its white, chipped paint brick walls and brown flat roof represent the foundation of what Parker really is. The Middle School gym is, well, exactly that: right in the middle of campus because it represents so much more than a place for junior varsity sports practices and abandoned middle schoolers on weekday afternoons. While new field houses, copper art galleries and state-of-the THE U N IQU E art libraries are constructed all around it, the Middle School middle school gym gym knows what is really important: minimal ventilation and faded dirty walls. It humbles us and reminds us what is good in this life. It gives us a place to cheer on the underdogs and appreciate the vintage trophies. A place that brings us back to freshman badminton teams and hiding from your date at homecoming last year. A place that truly is Parker memories.

PHOTO by cian lavin

You walk down the stairs, past the Upper School Office and out into the sunshine of a tremendous Tuesday here at Francis Parker School. You take a couple of spins in the spring air, letting your pin-straight skort twirl in the wind. Nearing your third pirouette, you notice a hundred or so buzzing black ovals in the air and whip your head around to admire these new inhabitants of the Linda Vista campus: the bees. Don’t scream or panic, but simply put your arms up and wave them from side to side. Get them motivated and energized. If you’re lucky some of them will even get into the groove of things and bump against your arms. When these little guys get going they will circle your head in high speed, your eardrums will be quivering, your heart will be racing and your skin will be tingling. If you can achieve this incredible equilibrium of nature, you will experience something you will never forget. We are truly lucky to interact with these lively organisms that have recently graduated from the Middle School and migrated to our Upper School campus. We welcome you with open arms, friends. Buzz on!

THE BAROMETER Shark tank

On a warm summer day in Martha’s Vineyard in 1975, Mr. Bill Steel, on set for his underwear modeling debut, ran into the film crew for the movie, Jaws. Steel vowed from that day forward to bring a shark tank to Francis Parker. 48 years later, we are proud to announce that Parker is introducing its first ever shark display, located in the Western quadrant of Ms. Rose Hanscom’s room. Visiting hours are 4-6 a.m., and Ms. Hanscom assures us that the tank will usually be tightly secured at most times.

snapbacks

Thank goodness someone decided to bring back this Middle School trend. Nothing says cool and with it than plastic neon across one’s forehead. When Mr. Tom Crowley asks you to take it off in third period, your smashed hat hair is at its best.

prom 2013

It might be our final, it might be our first. But, eh, do we really need to go to another dance?

Muffin Sales

Do you really need those carbs?

Senior Dress Down Fridays

We’ve only got a few more months left to sport our brand new Option B merchandise. We won’t be able to wear this exclusive line of skorts much longer, why waste another Friday on any old pair of jeans?

CLAIRE BRYAN Editor-in-Chief

UGLY PEOPLE HAVE NO ALIBI (IN HOLLYWOOD)

ARTICLE BY WHO ELSE BUT NISHON TYLER BLURRY ARTWORK BY CIAN LAVIN

Every magazine cover is graced by another goddess, model, or a rich woman who can pretend that she is pretty. The Grammys have become an invitation for hot twenty-somethings to remind us that we want to be them. The red carpet is essentially a pretty parade. In television, we watch beautiful, funny people fail again and again at life, relationships, and happiness, and it inspires in us the question: “If these objects of perfection cannot succeed, what chance do I possibly stand?” And this is not uncommon. More and more often, young people, girls especially, are falling into the familiar trap set up by popular culture: pretty or die. A junior girl who has asked to remain nameless gave her opinion on the matter: “You know, you just want to look like Jennifer Lawrence or something, but like you can’t, because she’s Jennifer Lawrence.” Reactionary groups have sprung up on campus in response to this problem, Ugly Anonymous being the most popular. “I’m ugly,” devotees say at the beginning of their first meeting, faces hidden behind brown paper bags. “And I’m okay with that.” In the upcoming weeks they will progress, admitting that they are ugly and “have great personali-

ties”; ugly and “smart”; ugly and “at least a five”; and finally in the last week of the program, “I am ugly, but I will not be alone forever.” The fact that groups like this exist are a great leap into the future, and the sight of ten asymmetrical faces chanting in unison, “I am a solid five,” is inspir-

“

You know, you just

want to look like Jennifer Lawrence or something, but like you can’t, because she’s Jennifer Lawrence.

“

—Student Who Shall

Not Be Named

ing, but we as a student body must be doing more for these individuals. The discrimination against ugly people has been long and institutional, existing long before sound made its way into the moving pictures. But the addition of sound and the allure of the silver

screen created a culture that idolizes the beautiful people. We have narrowed the field. In the real world, from a purely mathematical standpoint, the uglies outnumber the pretties. However, instead of uniting in grotesque solidarity, we fawn over the pretties. Liking their Facebook statuses, carrying their books, posing as their human footstools. We all do it, and it is hurting us. We must hold the directors accountable; It is not as though they are attractive either. Men like Quentin Tarantino—who is a three at best—consistently cast women like Diane Kruger— a solid ten—rather than reflecting his own disarmingly disenchanting face. The French have a theory: jolie laide. A pretty-ugly European idea, like au natural or socialism, but as I’ve adopted both of these, I see no problem in adopting this as well. Perhaps we should all take inspiration from the Europeans. Imagine the comfort of a thousand deliciously homely faces gazing at us with dull, shallow eyes from movie posters. The future cannot come soon enough.

NO.

ARTICLE BY NATALIE SCHMIDT ARTICLE NOT BY NATALIE SCHMIDT

A deep rumble is heard from your stomach as you walk out the door of your fourth period class. Regretting your decision to skip breakfast, you hurry across campus to the cafeteria, eager to fill your aching stomach with food. Today’s menu: pasta with tomatoes and some green vegetables. Not too bad. You finally get to the front of the line, politely ask for some pasta, and are handed a tiny helping of noodles. You turn and see the sixfoot-four football player behind you getting served a full plate of pasta. A strange feeling of jealousy overcomes you. Just because you’re five-foot-two doesn’t mean you can’t eat as much as him. This isn’t an isolated incident.

This portion control is happening daily, much to the displeasure of shorter students of all ages. The staff of the Parker Cafe has been monitoring the amount of food we waste and throw away each day, and they have come up with a top-secret plan to save food that was only recently uncovered. After hours of late-night brainstorming sessions and training workshops, they have figured out the proper size to food consumption ratio for daily distribution. This secret policy, part of the new eco-friendly cafeteria campaign, has had little effect of the amount of food that is wasted each day and has caused much grief and frustration for shorter students who are getting smaller than average por-

tions based on their height. Shorter students in all grades have been getting smaller and smaller portions in the cafeteria. Junior Sophie Solar, who is four-foot-ten, says she has felt the effects of this new secret policy. “When I ask for food, they look down at me like I’m a middle schooler or something,” she says. “They give me half as much food as those tall football guys.” On the flipside, taller students, especially football and basketball players, tend to get larger than average servings. Junior Tanner Aiono, a starting player on the Varsity football team, has noticed that he gets large helpings in the cafeteria. “We definitely need extra food so we can play well in our big football games,” he says. “The cafeteria ladies love me; they always smile at me and give me really big helpings.” But not all athletes are tall. Freshman Shelby Wolfe, a four-footeleven forward on the Varsity soccer team, says that she has also experienced size discrimination in the cafeteria. “Even freshmen athletes need to eat lunch. We can’t live survive on gummy bears from 7-11 for an afternoon snack,” she says. “We need to have energy to fill the waters and carry the equipment out.” Whether it’s food conservation or just subconscious discrimination, size-based portion control happens every day. Although there are good intentions behind it, it’s causing more problems than it’s fixing. This new policy is leaving shorter people hungry, frustrated, and irritable. We don’t need four extra scoops of pasta or two extra turkey burgers, but we at least need the standard helpings. So I encourage my fellow hungry, verticallychallenged peers to prove to everyone that we do eat food. We may not be tall, we may not even meet the average height requirements, but we still matter. The time is now for us to stand tall and fight for what we believe in. Our hearts are full with passion and determination; isn’t it time our stomachs were full too?

BY THE KOREAN BEEZ GARDEN OF CLAIRE KIMS THAT SHE WON’T SEE UNTIL THIS IS PRINTED BY STANLEY GAMBUCCI

My two best friends are in love with each other. However, both of them are terrified to make the first move, and they are always coming to me for advice. Truthfully, I don’t know what to tell them. I wish they would just talk to each other and quit involving me in their petty love life. Sincerely, Lonely and Livid

With the school year coming to a close and summer on the horizon, students are having more problems than ever. Whether it is about life, love, or the pursuit of happiness, I, Claire Kim, am here to help. From thousands of submissions from the fretful student body, the following students were chosen to be enlightened with my opinion—consider yourselves lucky. I suggest you follow my advice 100% for the best results. But on the off chance that you don’t, don’t come crying to me when your life turns to dookie and your tears never stop: Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

My parents and I haven’t been getting along, especially my mother. She is the ultimate tiger mom. It seems like I am doing everything for my parents and not pursuing my own interests. How should I deal with this? Sincerely, I’m Not Even Asian

First of all, sucks that you aren’t Asian. It’s basically the new black. Secondly, did you just use the term “Tiger mom”, because I’m Asian? Rude.

This is what you do. 1. Find the two friends when they are talking to each other. 2. Slowly creep up on them. Be sly! You can’t be caught! 3. Situate yourself between them and move each of your hands to the back of each of their heads. 4. Once your hands are close enough, ninja attack and grab a hold of their hair/scalp. (This step works best when your nails are pretty long.) 5. Scream, “NOW, KISS!” and shove their faces together making loud kissing noises. Works every time.

For the past few years, I’ve never felt like I fit in. I try my best to dress and act like the people around me, but I still feel like an outsider. I feel like I don’t have any real friends. How can I learn to respect myself for who I am, instead of trying to be someone else? From, I’d Rather Not Say...

Talk to Sean Waters. Honestly, Sean was able to take his character of being an “outsider,” and make it his image. Yes, he may be pushed around a little bit and taken advantage of a lot, but he seems pretty happy. If people don’t think you fit in, show them otherwise by buying them some Starbucks, carrying them to lunch, or maybe baking them a cake. They’ll come around, you just wait and see.

I get distracted easily. Whenever I am on the computer, I am always wasting time watching YouTube videos and checking my Facebook instead of doing my homework. How can I stop myself from getting so distracted? Yours Truly, Squirrel!

PREACH SISTAH. Korean Beez understands your pain and suffering. How do teachers expect us to do homework when Korean dramas and cute British vloggers are always calling our names? My best advice is to give in and just don’t work. Don’t let anyone tell you that YouTube is a waste of time. Sure, we learn about literature and math at school, but when will we ever see documentaries on Grumpy Cat or Obama being auto-tuned to our favorite jams?

I honestly feel bad for the people around me. They are all wandering souls searching for simple companionship, and I seem to be the only person who can offer it. In response to this terrible phenomenon, I would like to start my own community service project that offers aid to those in need. How can I start? Love, I Can’t Help It That I’m So Popular.

Stop.

the scribe 2012-13

A SNEAK PEEK AT INTERIM 2014 ARTICLE BY PATRICK RILEY AND MICHELA RODRIGUEZ, KIND OF PHOTOGRAPHS BY LITERALLY EVERYONE

T he C r a f t o f Pro p er F a ci a l H a ir

W ritin g , N a t u re , A N D N u d ity

Gr a p hin g yo u r St u p i d ity

Instructors: Mr. Maunu and Mr. Taylor Overview: There are few men on campus with beards and sideburns like these two, and they’ve volunteered to grace you with their woolly wisdom. Lessons learned in this course include goatee grooming, mustache maintenance, and the elusive secret to keeping crumbs out of your chin curls.

Instructors: Mr. Aiston and Mr. Harrington Overview: Come spend the week immersing yourself in the transcendental experience that is the natural world—naked. Reading and writing will force you to strip down to your very soul, and nude hikes to the beat of a different drummer will surely leave you “confronting the essential facts of life.”

Instructor: Mr. Esch Overview: This course will study real life examples of actual stupidity—and you’re the subject! Examine the age-old dispute: “The Dumb Question: Is There Really No Such Thing?” (Hint: There is.) Be amazed when your grade drops below the x-axis even though you’ve put no effort in! Complain loudly and often when your grade doesn’t match your potential!

Driver s ’ E d Instructor: Mr. Holbrook Overview: Honestly, you should just take the trolley.

ALSO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR T he Art o f C a t W hi s p erin g Instructor: Ms. Hanscom Overview: Calling all cat lovers! This course will be devoted to learning how to mingle with felines, how to coax kittens down from trees, and basically just how to get the darned things to like you. The goal is for students to become so wellversed in the art that they’ll be able to summon the physio cats back to life.

H ow T o B u il d a G a r d en in T en Years Instructor: Mr. Trotter Overview: Year One: Map out your space. Year Two: Place the soil. Year Three: Find two enormous boulders and put them in the middle. Year Four: Build a fence and maybe planters if you’re feeling ambitious. Year Five: It’s time for plants. Year Six: Remove the dead plants: don’t give up. Year Seven: Try again with water. Year Eight: Drink lots of soda. Year Nine: Use the cans for a eco-friendly wall. Year Ten: Congratulations!

Sh a k in g I t U p : V ir a l Style Instructor: Mr. Kaster Looking to find your inner shaker? This course will give students the opportunity to master the rigorous choreography of the best dance crazes of the decade. Throw it back to classics like “Soulja Boy,” be taught how to Dougie, and by the end of the week, Harlem Shake your way to a million views.

如果你可以看懂这句话和我一起加人中国管理世界！ Instructor: Ms. Huang Pugs, Not Drugs Instructor: Mr. Barsky We’re All Dead Instructor: Señor Caracoza We Have Accents Instructor: Mrs. Shapiro, Mr. Donnelly, Madame Dorfman, Madame Kelly, Mr. Fickling, Señor Caracoza, Señor Gomez, Señora Goldberg, etc. Retirement Instructor: Dr. Lown I Don’t Even Know What Sarcasm Is Instructor: Mr. D’Onofrio

FRANCIS PARKER’S PERCEPTION OF FRANCIS PARKER ARTICLE BY ALL OF YOU, BASED ON IN-DEPTH RESEARCH OF FRANCIS PARKER STUDENT MIGRATION PATTERNS ARTWORK BY STANLEY GAMBUCCI, SINCE HE’S LITERALLY THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD ACTUALLY MAKE THIS

S OF AM D E EL DR I F E KEN H T O BR

WHY DO WE HAVE SO MANY FIRE LANES, I NEED A SPOT

SO MANY SUNFLOWER SEEDS

WHERE I DON’T WANT TO PARK DURING BASEBALL SEASON

WHERE I WOULD PARK IF I WAS ON TIME

WHERE I PARK

WHERE I GO TWICE A YEAR TO FEEL UNTALENTED

DI HE D YO GI AR U VO RLS TH E TE LL E A CI M YB F? W AL ON L

KATNISS WANNABES

“D CA ON PR US ’T H EG E Y AV NA OU E S NT W EX AN ILL , BE D GE DI T E” RETURN WITH HONOR... OR JUST ANGER WHEN WE ALWAYS LOSE

HOMECOMING: FRESHMAN GRINDING ZONE

ZERO PERIOD OVER ACHIEVERS

SMELLS LIKE YOUR JOCKSTRAP

COPS COP S COPS COPS COP S COPS

I FAILED MY LICENSE TEST ADULTS Y

ELLING

THE TINY FENCE THAT WILL NOT STOP ME FROM STOPPING TRAFFIC

SUCKS T O BE A S

OPHOMO

“OH, THE SHOW WAS LAST WEEK ?”

ft SEE PAGE 10-11

B YA AR W BA PS R IC

BOYS WHO GOT KICKED OUT OF THE LIBRARY

NO MATTER WHO’S PRESIDENT, THIS IS NEVER ACTU ALLY GOING TO BE A STUDENT HANG OUT.

WHERE KATIE KREITZER PARKS

DR. WILSON

DA NG E

NAP TIME

THE TEACHERS YOU WANT TO BE (BUT WILL NEVER BE) YOUR BEST FRIENDS

TH E

HO LI W KE D S OY ON O FA U H CE AV BO E 2 O K 00 ?

SCRIBE GROUP ONLY. PASSWORD: MACKLEMORE

ZO NE

PEP(LESS) RALLYS

UNIFORM CHECKPOINT

FR RO ES LL HM ER EN CO M AS AK TE E RS

I ONLY CAME HERE FOR THE COOKIES AND THE CANDY

NFL(NATIONAL FRISBEE LEAGUE) THE CLOSEST THING TO A SPORTS TEAM THESE GUYS WILL EVER BE ON

INTIMIDATING SENIORS

AS BE B PR ING OD UC TI

RYAN WATANABE SINGING

COLLEGE COUNSELING— ENTER CONFIDENTLY, LEAVE COWERING

WH I W ERE TO ANT PA RK

CRIPPLE LOADING ZONE GLENISHA

ALWAYS LO

OKING FA

BULOUS

MRS. JENSEN, WHERE ARE YOU?!?!

AWKWARD CAR EYE C ONTACT WHEN I DR IVE TERRIB LY

OMG

PUB

LIC S

CHO

OL!

PA RU RK SH NN ER IR IN ST TL G O W ES S

MR. CARNIOLI ARTICLE BY MARK KLEIN, JAKE SIEGLER, AND NONSENSE PHOTOGRAPHIC MASTERPIECE BY ARIELLE SWEDBACK

Late one night, after the centaurs had retreated to the canyon, and the freshmen had returned to their cocoons, we went to the house at the end of the hall. Perhaps you haven’t seen the stumpy tan shack situated behind the robotics room. By day, this room takes the form of a normal-looking storage shed: a harmless holding cell for hoes, plows and junk food. But when the clock strikes ten, and the students are replaced by the wilderness, Mr. Carnioli steps into the picture. “I thought there was a time I saw him once,” says junior Carly Stacey. “I was at school taking night-time pictures for a primetime Facebook profile picture change, when I saw this light turn on in the shed. All I saw was a ton of confetti and a group of mice parading around the doorway.” Meet Mr. Carnioli, upperschool night-time bathroom attendant. He was brought onto the staff after a series of dissatisfied robotics students filed complaints for the lack

of restroom aid. “I’m in the bathroom–no, the merry-go-round–no, I swear it was a bathroom. For sure, a bathroom, when I step out and there’s just no one there. I mean, you take a shower in the sink and a bath in the toilet bowls, the least you can expect is a man handing you a wash-towel or something, right?” says the ManFrom-The-Scary-7-11-Van. More incidents ensued, and Mr. Barsky implemented the nighttime bathroom attendant position. We sat down in a private Q and A with the newest staff member. All hidden video footage was terminated upon the interview’s completion by Carnioli, who refused to let us use his actual name. In a dimmed corner of the shack, we asked Carnioli how he spends his typical day. “My days are spent playing poker with the mice (Jeffrey plays a mad game of blackjack), and listening to the newer Kids Bop CDs. Because the radio connection isn’t great, we listen to the old CDs that were in the boombox when

it was used in a small-budget Magic School Bus reenactment,” says Carnioli. But amidst his small-town friendliness and soothing raspiness, Mr. Carnioli began to release a new side, different than the one we had come to know over the past 13 minutes. “What I like in a lady? Romance and facial hair. As long as my beard doesn’t rub up on hers, I will love this woman with every ounce of strength. Until I die, I will love her. While she weeps, I will love her. As she mourns, I will love her. I will love her. I will love her. I will love.” “Even though some people consider this shack a dump, I consider this wonderful place my home and I would like for it to be treated in that way. Just know that if you ever walk by there, I will be there, watching you. If you ever need someone to talk to, or if you ever just need a small, bony shoulder to lean on, I will be there. Just a quick tap on the door of the shack can make all the difference.”

PLACES TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOURSELF ON CAMPUS

ARTICLE BY THE EXPERT OF SECLUDED MEDITATION, RAPHIE CANTOR PHOTOGRAPHS BY CLAIRE BRYAN, AGAINST HER WILL

Let’s face it kids: we’re stressed. We have papers to write, textbooks to read, and graphs to draw. Our school has done a wonderful job gearing us towards taking care of ourselves, and they’ve blessed us with a campus perfectly equipped to do so in times of high anxiety. Take mindfulness to the next level by checking out these peaceful places—on your own, of course.

FROM ALL ANGLES: THE DANCE ROOM Like every pirouette or refined dance move, there’s always a way to get a different point of view. In the dance room, a solitary room so rarely used sits waiting for some quality reflection time: reflection because there are a ton of mirrors in there, and you can see from an intimate POV just how much you enjoy your self-image.

ALL BY MYSELF: THE GREEN ROOM The space that is traditionally called the “green” room should really be called the “me” room. This space is quiet, secluded, and surprisingly sound proof, in case you really need to think out loud.

ONE ON ONE: THE SHRINK D r . D o r e n e McLaughlin has always had an opendoor policy; however, sometimes the frosted sliding doors make it difficult to see if she’s available. Have no fear, you can always go through the teachers’ lounge to get to her room through the back door! And don’t worry, there are plenty of tissues and candy in there, if you feel you may need some cheering up.

ALL LOCKED UP : THE BATHROOM What’s a better place to be alone than somewhere that needs a key to enter? Both upstairs and downstairs bathrooms of the visual arts building are locked up (and unisex), so everyone can enjoy some peace and quiet without the disturbance of anyone barging in.

UP O N H I G H : THE ROOF There’s a ladder in one of the music rehearsal rooms that may as well be the stairway to heaven. Lying down and looking up at the stars, especially at night, can give you an overwhelming sense of joy, while also allowing you to hone in on your priorities. Staring up at the vast ebony sky, the universe does wonders to put your life in perspective.

Caroline merkin’s guide to being popular (on facebook)

HARDHITTING JOURNALISM By Caroline Merkin PHOTOGRAPHS OF CAROLINE MERKIN COURTESY OF CAROLINE MERKIN

Once upon a time, I cared about my sister, my mom, and my dad. Once upon a time, I cared about my grandmother’s health, my grandfather’s highwater pants, and whether or not my dog was at a healthy weight. Once upon a time, it mattered whether or not my best friends were happy, whether or not children in Africa were starving, and whether or not I was treating the environment with all the love it deserved. But that was then and this is now. Today, I spend my time sitting at my laptop watching the likes on my Facebook profile pictures go up. Five a minute: 100. 200. You’ve never seen anything like it. But I didn’t reach this level of social networking popularity by sitting around talking to my friends about their problems: I reached this level by, A, being Caroline Merkin, and, B, following a few easy steps. And thanks to this picture perfect guide, you can try your best to emulate my cyber-success. Read on, amateurs.

St a t u s e s I only write statuses for birthdays or when I’m actually doing something exciting—but then again, anything I do is exciting. But unlike when I do it, saying you’re at the beach with your “friends” isn’t interesting. #I’mAnExceptionBecauseI’mCaroline Merkin Also, setting a status with an inside joke that you share with one other person is not funny to anyone else, so stop. #ThisIsWhyYou’reSingle

COMMENTS Be witty. Be sassy. Be sarcastically mean. But please, quit it with the “share some pretty with the rest of us!” First off, that’s not humanly possible. And secondly, no one wants to give away their beauty. Mine’s off limits anyway. #Don’tHateMeCauseYouAin’tMe F R I E N D R E QU E S T S Never say no to a friend. Always accept the young ones’ requests—it doesn’t matter if they have never even attended school on the same campus as you. A youngster will always look up to you, be inspired, and give you that thumbs up. #EighthGradersAreMyBiggestFans

Pro f ile Pict u reS Song lyrics and friendship quotes are so last year. We’re all done with kids pulling random quotes off the internet from indie bands that they don’t actually listen to, followed by sun and heart emoticons. As much as you may think your life is a movie, it’s not. #ButIAmYourFairyTaleEnding Make sure you upload that new prof pic during Facebook primetime: 8:30-10:00. Always wait until your chat bar informs you that over 100 of your “friends” are online. Maximum Facebook population equals maximum amounts of likes— duh. #PrimeTimesMyTimetoShine If you’re unsatisfied with your amount of likes, tag yourself in the photo so it will show up in everyone’s news feed again, just in case your FB friends missed it. It’s not like anyone knows what you’re actually doing. #YourSecretIsSafeWithMe Be sure to show some love to your fellow Facebook peers, even if you don’t actually like them. Be generous when it comes to liking some else’s annoying, puppy-dog-eyed selfie or their attempt at showing off their not-so-hot summer bod. If they feel the love from you, their hand will naturally gravitate over that key pad and land you in the triple digits. #IShouldGetCommunityServiceHoursForMyKindness Don’t be that girl who shares her own photo: that’s just wrong. Simply set your profile pic to the same photo again so that it—similarly to tagging yourself— shows up in people’s news feeds once again. #It’sNotLikeItAnnoysAnyone

NUD

PARKER’S

D OVE R P IM

AND

DRESS

ARTICLE BY TWO OF THESE SHIRTLESS BOYS AND JACK BENOIT PHOTOGRAPH BY KATIE KREITZER, WHO FEELS CREEPY AND VIOLATED

From the Parker Polo Plague of the early 20’s to the Khaki Crisis of the 90’s, our school has been ravaged by a wave of skirts too short, lookalike pants, and the ever-so-classic handlebar mustache violations. Because of these atrocities, Francis Parker has been contemplating the idea of changing its uniforms yet again. The school has decided that wearing uniforms has caused too many problems over the years and is disrupting the classroom in such a way that the administration has decided that taking out uniforms completely would solve this problem. Yes, that’s right: starting next year Francis Parker will be a nudist colony. NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, SERVICE. A recent study by the Nudist Development Bureau at the Northern Uruguay District of Evolution determined that kids at schools that have adopted the no-clothes methodology are 38% more likely to go to college. Chief investigator of the Bureau, Harvey Pancreas, was quoted outside a local Sammy’s Woodfired Pizza saying, “It’s a process. For some people, adjusting to the new dress code is a long

process, one that must move slowly and cautiously, with respect to everything around it. For others, it’s rather short, an innocuous reminder that time is not enough to heal the bruises of outerwear.”

“

I’ve met my closest

friends in the nude, made my best memories wearing nothing but my skin and my dignity.

“

–“Booty” Wright Parker as a nudist colony will allow the students to enter the school the same way that they entered the world: buck naked. As Senior David “Booty” Wright says, “Clothes create a barrier between people that distances friendships, but without clothes, you can really get to know someone on a more personal level. I’ve met my closest friends in the nude, made my best memories wearing nothing but my

skin and my dignity.” Once all the Parker students transition into this new way of living, the cumulative stress level at school will be significantly decreased. Deciding what to wear in the morning ranks second on the “Most Difficult Decisions Teenagers are Forced to Make on a Daily Basis” list, printed in None Of This Is True Weekly. Eliminating this arduous decision allows students to focus on more important aspects of their teenage lives, such as how many Instagram followers they have, whether or not they are consuming a healthy amount of Vitamin D, and, most importantly, their sexuality. Being nude will solve many of the problems that are simply associated with adolescence. And of course, who doesn’t want to be free as a bird? Running naked in the wind is one of the most liberating experiences that one can have, and we are excited to be able to share this experience with Francis Parker School next year.

CODE

the scribe 2012-13

INSTAGRAM IS JESUS AND THIS IS YOUR BIBLE

ARTICLE AND BEAUTIFUL PHOTOGRAPHS BY SCRIBECUTIE123

It’s a Saturday night and you’re feeling overwhelmingly smug after taking a super cute photo of you and your friends at dinner. You thumb through the filters and decide it’s a Valencia kind of night. For about five minutes, you sit and try to think of a clever hashtag. Finally, after you’ve found the perfect combination of witty and cute, you hit the green share box and eagerly wait for the likes to start flooding in. It’s now two hours later and your only two notifications are from your mom who just set up an account to check on you and your aunt who has nothing else to do with her life. You shamelessly cry on the kitchen floor and then delete your photo out of embarrassment. But can you put an end to this vicious cycle and rebuild your social (networking) dignity? Absolutely. Check out these proven hashtag tips to dramatically increase your Instagram success.

EVERY DAY IS SELFIE SUNDAY

Mankind’s greatest invention to date: a whole day dedicated to your ego. Let all of your “friends” know that you think you’re hot and get lots of likes that will boost your self-admiration even more. And I mean, you might as well do something with all of the time you spend in your bathroom. Show off your “new phone case” in a classy mirror shot, when really you just want people to see how great your... neckline looks. Also, that toilet really brings out your eyes.

NO FILTER, NO PROBLEM

Fool your friends into thinking that you actually look attractive. Cover your photos in layers of filters to the point that you’re almost unrecognizable and then add a #nofilter to trick people into thinking that’s how orange your skin is and how blue your eyes are. Everyone will totally believe you, and those photo edits are not even noticeable. If you look like yourself, you didn’t try hard enough.

IF YOU WANNA BE A HIPSTER

If you’re feeling down about not going to the last Fun. concert or about your mom not letting you dip-dye your hair, you need a wannabe hipster pick-me-up! Take an “artsy” photo of some palm trees (Amaro is usually the best filter), the passion fruit tea you just drank poolside, that one-of-a-kind daisy you found while frolicking in your backyard, or the plains in the middle of nowhere that you forced your mom to drive you to. Then maybe tomorrow you can go around and argue that listening to Gotye makes you Indie.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL

Since hiking has become more popular than breathing in the past several months, give yourself a chance to relax and pretend you’re sporty by “briskly walking” in one of the many beautiful places around San Diego. Dress up in your most revealing sports bra and tightest Lulu’s, walk half a mile, get a nice scenic photo out of it, and then drive to the nearest In-N-Out to regain all of those calories you lost.

IN A FOOD MOOD

Nothing is more attractive than a hefty appetite. Most people out there only seem to put up pictures of their extraordinary dessert or their Snooze breakfast, but why not take it just one step further? Post a picture of that tub of ice cream you’ve been crying over all night or those potato chips you wish would love you back. Just be honest with yourself: you didn’t make out with that hot dog only one time.

LET’S GO TO THE BEACH

Why keep the fact that you just spent five hours getting skin cancer to yourself? Share it with the world! Everyone deserves to know that you begged your little sister to go to the beach with you so that you could show off your new “bikini bod” and suck in your stomach for the camera. Also, we all love seeing a picture of the calming waves of the ocean, which are barely visible behind your legs. I mean, I think if I look past your belly button, I can see the water... Oh no, that’s just your crotch.

EMOJIS & QUOTES

Why speak actual English when you can just talk with pictures? Emoji’s are not only free, but also are great for using racial stereotypes and dirty hand motions. Moons, monkeys, peace signs, thumbs up, and a series of different colored hearts are just some of the endless possibilities for creating sentences that nobody actually understands. While you’re at it, nothing says double tap this photo like a depressing look into your lonely heart. Add a quote asking why you’re still alone or why nobody sees your beauty. It’s not fishing for compliments, but rather casually letting your friends know, “I’m ugly and sad. What are you going to do about it?”

COFFEE BREAK

It’s about time you let your followers know that instead of having a social life, you waste your weekends away alone at your local Starbucks. You could post pictures of you and your friends, but because you have none just post the next best thing: coffee. Also, it’s always so hilarious when the barista spells your name “Katy” and not “Katie.” I mean really? How could that EVER happen?

LIV IS LEAVING THE SCHOOL OF HIPSTER SALMON AND SWIMMING MAINSTREAM ARTICLE BY, GUESS WHO?

ALBUM ART FOUND ON RANDOM ILLEGAL MUSIC DOWNLOADING WEBSITES

Linkin Park

Nicki Minaj

Owl City ft. Carly Rae Jepsen

Demi Lovato

Muse

2002 1992 Rihanna

This Barbados babe managed to create a completely original song that repeats the word “diamond” thirty-seven times. “So shine bright, tonight you and I. We’re beautiful like diamonds in the sky. Eye to eye, so alive, we’re beautiful like diamonds in the sky. Shine bright like a diamond. Shine bright like a diamond. Shine bright like a diamond.” It never gets old.

Ke$ha Justin Bieber ft. Nicki Minaj

This dynamic duo’s song was crafted by the music gods and brought to us solely for a spot as #2 on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100. The young Canadian Bieber’s reputation as a teen hearthrob and Minaj’s as a person who “sings” collaborate swimmingly to produce a track that you and your friends are ashamed of knowing the words to. And let’s face it: Nicki’s butt has more talent than you ever will.

As she takes the teenage world by storm, Ke$ha’s “I don’t care” attitude creates the best example a thirteen year old girl could have since Miley Cyrus’s album, Can’t Be Tamed. Although the life of a day-drunk popstar can be grueling, the 26 year old keeps on writing with a strict regimen of party, puke, and repeat. Lyrics like “I threw up in the closet and I don’t care” from her hit “Party at a Rich Dude’s House” or her lyrical gold from “Die Young,” “Young hunks, taking shots, stripping down to dirty socks,” reminds young girls that it’s okay if you cover your face with glitter and attack men because you’re hot.

Will.i.am ft. Britney Spears

Ever since we lost the Black Eyed Peas at the end of 2011, you finally stopped listening to your mom make up her own lyrics to “I Gotta Feeling.” Will.i.am and Britney needed one last hurrah outside the mom and young white girl spectrum. “Scream and Shout” is only the beginning for the revamp of their new, more sophisticated careers as serious, bourgeois musicians.

Nickelback

Since 1995, Nickelback has been amazing listeners of the Canadian rock world. It was impossible to choose one song to sum up how much their influence has jolted post-grunge/ pop-rock for the better. The alarming reality that they have won zero Grammy’s was difficult to come to terms with, considering they are the masterminds behind powerful lyrics like, “It’s too bad it’s too bad too late, so wrong, so long,” from their breathtaking song, “Too Bad.”

SOPHOMORE GIRL What is your skort-to-leg ratio? 1:4

1:2

That goes perfectly with your white Converse. How stylish of you!

This journey ended early for you.

How many likes do you have on your profile picture? 100+

EXPLORING THE SENIOR SOPHOMORE CONNECTION

ARTICLE BY SOPHOMORE BOY MAX FEYE AND SOPHOMORE GIRL EXPERT, MATT GLUCK.

In the stereotypical American high school, the social ecosystem divides the classes and everyday interaction remains at a delicate balance. Seniors slack off and attend parties, juniors study with hopes of one day getting into Harvard, and underclassmen mill aimlessly about the halls just trying to survive. But Francis Parker is not the stereotypical high school, and underclassmen and their cliques are making an appearance in the daily lives of various seniors. But how are they pulling this off? How is this batch of talented sophomores making the jump from underclass-irrelevance to senior-dating popularity? Working with the top social scientists in the country, The Scribble has spent months researching the phenomenon commonly referred to as “White Teeth Fever” (as this year’s sophomores all have beautiful sets of pearly whites) in hopes of understanding this previously unseen trend. So if you’re a sophomore girl wondering how you can date a big, strong, mature, athletic, tall, handsome, well-off, cool-car-driving, supercool-clothes-wearing senior or if you’re an 18-year-old boy wondering how you can date a girl without her permit: we have the answer. We have compiled a list of key factors that can be used to determine if you are ready to make the leap and entangle yourself in the Class of 2015 and the Class of 2013’s unique relationship. Read on to discover if you have what it takes:

99We apologize for your social misfortune.

Impressive! Do you have a passion for all kinds of photography, selfies included? OMG, of course!

No.

Would you happen to have a senior guy on your Snapchat best friend list? No. Yes! I send him lots of pictures of my face!

You’re probably sending most of them to Team Snapchat.

I don’t have a Snapchat. Who are you?

Would you consider yourself attractive?

Yes!

Would you consider yourself humble? Yes!

Yes!

2013

S E N I O R GU Y

Do you have senior privileges?

Yes.

No. I lost them for behavioral reasons.

Congratulations! You can sneak girls off campus in your trunk!

I don’t have my community service hours done. I’m academicallyineligible.

Do you wear a red shirt on Fridays?

Yes, but only with long Nike socks. They really go nicely together!

No. Dress code’s got nothing on my flow.

My biceps are too big.

Are you a legal adult?

No.

Yes.

This should be the end of the road for you, but who are we to judge?!

Congratulations! You have a couple months left!

What do you find “greasy?”

Back massages! Girls love back massages!

YES!

My modded car’s engine.

Would you consider yourself attractive?

That’s the confidence we like to see!

NO! Who cares? You’re a senior!

2015

the scribe 2012-13

BECAUSE SOMETHING HAD TO GO IN THE SPORTS SECTION ARTICLE BY NUMEROUS PEOPLE AT THE LAST MINUTE IN A FRANTIC MIDNIGHT EFFORT TO PUT SOMETHING IN THE SPORTS SECTION PHOTOGRAPHS STOLEN FROM SMUGMUG.COM

LIKE, HAYYYY GURLLLLL!

TAKE ME BACK. I NEED YOU BACK. I’LL DO ANYTHING.

I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE MY DAUGHER, YOU STILL NEED YOUR INDEPENDENT P.E. FORMS!

LEAve! BRITNEY! ALONE!

IT’S ALL OVER.

...............

CATCHERS HAVE THE NASTIEST FARTS.

It’s DROPPED. It’S REALLY DROPPED.

To The Right To The Right To The Right To The Right To The Left To The Left To The Left To The Left Now Kick Now Kick Now Kick Now Kick Now Walk It By Your Self Walk It By Your Self

the scribe 2012-13

Gossip Girl here, your one-and-only source into the scandalous lives of Parker’s elite. The students made it clear that they wanted me back, and it didn’t take a sit in, an impeachment, or a student section to get me here. So here I am, in my original form: absolutely no white space, blurry picture and photos straight off of Facebook. Judge me now because this will be your only chance. Done? Now its my turn to judge you—with interim and spring break behind us, you probably thought all of your dirty deeds went unnoticed. Not on my watch, Lancers. I’ve kept a close eye on you all, and it looks like we’re headed for a very hot summer. Dying to read on? You know you missed me. Spotted: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... until David Nussbaum drinks a bottle of his own urine. He may be up 100 bucks, but no girls will be kissing those lips anytime soon.

Spotted: Birds aren’t the only thing tweeting anymore. With the new twitter craze, my newsfeed is clogged with an abundance of selfies and notso-subtweets about your high school heartbreaks. #teamgossipgirl

NOT Spotted: Freshman girls, do you exist? It’s April and I don’t know any of your names... Except you, Charlotte Thorson: you’re beautiful and I want to be you. Spotted: Freshman Max Baez making a quick jump up the Lancer food chain; will his new status shift tides in the Class of 2016? Will his chiseled jaw line and baby blue eyes last him until senior year? Or is he just this week’s “in?”

Spotted: Sophomore Daven Horne; if you post one more “truth is” status, I will find you and deactivate your Facebook. TBH, I don’t care that you’re trying to function.

Spotted: Things got hot and heavy on the South Africa trip. Lions and tigers and hotel rooms, oh my!

Spotted: 7th period APES: trouble amongst this camera-melting clan? Rumor has it some of the not-so-camera-shy boys are starting to fight over who’s the fairest of them all.

ARTICLE BY SAM, SAM, AND... SOREN? PHOTOGRAPHS BY NO ONE UNTIL FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THIS WAS PRINTED

No matter what grade you’re in, no matter where you are on the social food chain, surviving high school is hard. Sometimes you accidentally wear a tank top two days in a row, track pants on a monday or, god forbid, you forget to wear pink on wednesday. (And we all know that means you can’t sit with us.) Navigating through the school week can be a struggle, but follow this advice, and you’ll be peaking in high school in no time. Live it. Love it. You’re welcome.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Dating a senior is a great first impression. For all you underclassmen, make sure you park on campus as much as possible. Bonus points if you steal a senior spot. The best way to start the morning is always Starbucks and a tardy slip. Senior dress down days? Hey, nobody needs to know your yoga pants have never been to yoga. Oh, your relationship is complicated? I’d love to hear all about it on Facebook. The T-Swift song lyrics really add something too. If you overhear a conversation in the halls, join in. Upperclassmen love making new friends. Grinding is the best dance move. No, the ONLY dance move. It might be a challenge, but see if you can get your skorts a little bit shorter. Nothing says “respect me” like a mid-morning flash on the stairs. It’s cute that you think “classy Wednesdays” make up for last weekend. You know who you are. Enjoy your early dismissal, athletes. Because we all know it takes you 45 minutes to change.

ARTICLE BY GIRLS PHOTOGRAPHS FOUND AT THE LAST MINUTE ON MISCELLANEOUS UNCREDITED WEBSITES AND ISTOLEN FROM KATIE’S SELFIE LIBRARY

SP E E D O O N E - P I E C E S

Somewhere in the furthest corner of your swimsuit drawer, this beauty sits, untouched since your 5th grade YMCA days—the days when all the boys went wild over your beanshaped bod. Say goodbye to your stomach tan, your popularity, and the gym and hit the beach in this arousing aquatic option. The swim team would be so proud! (STINKY) TOMS

Forget the humanitarian benefits of these soul-saving soles: these shoes are good for one and only one thing— their scent. The aroma is guaranteed to drift across a room for at least a hundred feet! (DIRTY) SOCK BUNS

Classy stars like Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan have been caught rocking this fresh new hairstyle. Cut up a sock—preferably a worn one— and wrap your hair around it. It’s easy and sanitary and doesn’t make you look like a bird laid a hairy egg on your head at all!

G E T T I N G A N A A V E R AG E

As the Class of 2013 has proudly demonstrated, A’s and B’s don’t cut it anymore. If you really want to be the coolest kid on campus, you need to stop trying so hard! It’s not only easier and more pleasant, but all of your friends and prospective colleges will know by your report card just how impressive of a person you really are.

PICSTITCHING

Photo albums are so 2012. Now, you can squeeze all those sassy selfies into one 4 x 4 to share your beauty with the world. And make sure you #picstitch the caption, because no one had any idea how you made it! COMPOST TEA

You’ve all seen them: these bodyhugging monstrosities have invaded our campus as a go-to clothing option for Parker’s female students, and we will not stand for it. If anything is going to ruin the beautiful sanctity of this school, it’s yoga pants. They’re lude and revealing, and totally do not make Fridays worthwhile for the entire Parker male student body.

Hipsters—you know what goes nicely with that playlist of obscure songs you found completely on your own? A nice cup of tea. But you’re too cool for chamomile. You’re too chill for chai. Luckily for you, an organic farm in Portland, Oregon has just released a trendy new brew made of reused soil and compost that will have your “sipster” senses tingling. Avoid breaking your teeth on rocks and drink away!

T Y L E R B E R N AD I N I

C O L O R E D E Y E S H AD O W

G I R L S ’ Y O GA PA N T S

Not at all.

“Electric blue totally compliments your eyes,” says the young, MAC makeup consultant as she smears ten pounds of eyeshadow on your eyelid. She’s so right! No one ever went wrong by going to prom with the makeup of an 80’s pageant girl!

pr om

ARTICLE BY BOYS AND KATIE KREITZER, THE SCRIBBLE STAFF’S BOY SPECIALIST

THE GHOST WIPE

DENTAL HYGIENE

It’s a beautiful phenomenon... You should Google it.

Brushing your teeth takes 60 seconds... but that’s 60 seconds you’ll never get back.

WINGING IT

We are men. We don’t use recipes when cooking, we don’t read directions on tests, and we don’t plan ahead. Any true man knows that the best time to come up with a plan is two minutes after it was necessary. So, boys, when deciding who to ask to prom this year, remember: planning is overrated. Pick up some flowers and ask the first or second girl who pops into your head. What could go wrong? M E N ’ S Y O GA PA N T S

While these bottom-hugging bottoms may not work for females, the opposite is true for the opposite sex. Mr. Barsky is a huge supporter of this men’s wardrobe staple, and you should be too. Plus, the perks of showing off great glutes is magical, timeless and unisex.

RALLYCOMM

I’m used to having an entire row to myself, and this filling of the stands business is seriously cramping my leg room. Let me watch my sports in peace. BEING 18

There is no greater cause of exclusion than turning 18. The benefits of the ability to vote, gamble, and go to strip clubs pale in comparison to the tragedy of no longer being able to fraternize with the younger members of our fine school. Sure you can finally buy spray paint, but at what cost?

GA M I N G

Girls are overrated. They are mean, they break your heart, and they are often non-existent when you need them most. But raising your kill to death ratio in Call of Duty and perfecting your ultimate team in FIFA will never let you down. Girlfriends can leave, love can fade, but high scores are forever. B A N D W AG O N I N G

Your sports team isn’t doing so hot this season? Bummer. Instead of being depressed, try a new tactic and just root for a better team! This just isn’t the Bobcats’ year? Root for the Heat! The Padres aren’t making as much of an effort to win as you’d like? Say “hey!” to the Yankees. If they didn’t earn your fandom, they deserve your traitor-dom. DIETING

Want that great beach body, but can’t lift a dumbbell? Try dieting! The ladies will love it and there is no better feeling than coming home from sports practice to eating celery and kale for dinner.

TELL US WE AREN’T RIGHT ARTICLE BY SHE-WHO-SHALL-NOT-BE-NAMED PHOTOGRAPHS FOUND VIA FACEBOOK AND GOOGLE STALKING

Let’s face it: it’s impossible to tell people apart. Everyone’s boring looking, dull, unoriginal. and uninspiring. Blondes are blondes, brunettes are brunettes, and redheads all seem to resemble that one boy from the sad ginger Youtube video. Luckily, we have things like facial hair, neon colored box hair dye jobs, cartilege piercings, and lower back tattoos to set us all apart. But as these kids prove, looking unoriginal isn’t always the worst thing in the world: at least it put them in a magazine. So here we are, giving in to the monotony, and giving you the most accurate Separated at Birth this school has ever seen. Offended? Don’t be! At least we know your names!

NATALIE SCHMIDT

FERNANDO TORRES

DR. GRANT LICHTMAN

CORVAX (MUZZY)

DAVID WRIGHT

A RANDOM BABY GIRL

ERIC TAYLOR

JESUS

ANDRES GOMEZ

ERIC (THE LITTLE MERMAID)

ANDY PIACQUADIO

JIMMY TATRO

CIAN LAVIN

E.T.

QUINTIN CHAMBERS

MR. KIERNAN AISTON

MICHELLE POND

zosia mamet (GIRLS)

SAM DEDDEH

ALEX DEDDEH

FU NN Y

FRESHMAN

YO U

SOPHOMORE

SENIOR

JU N I O R

FA C U L T Y

NOWHERE:

THE CLASS OF 2013

2013

THE CLASS OF