Spring Break 2010 - Thursday, March 25, 2010 - The Daily Cardinal by The Daily Cardinal

POOR DOUBLE ENTENDRE!

ASM to be replaced with man who eats money, shits on floor NEWS

(Editor’s note: Banana = dick, burrito = cooter) FEATURES

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University of Wisconsin-Madison

Having some semblance of human decency since 1892

A8 China to be taken over by eminent lo mein

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NEWS

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April Fools’ Issue 2010

Student boycott of Regent Street Retreat incredibly successful A joint effort between The Daily Cardinal, The Badger Herald, the Associated Students of Madison, Sex Out Loud, College Democrats, College Republicans and 97 other student organizations to boycott the Regent Street Retreat for “just plain sucking” has been incredibly successful. The boycott, which has been running for 89 days, has kept the RSR’s attendance near zero on an almost daily basis. An RSR bartender known as

“Brota” said the lack of customers has been a serious problem lately. “I worked for 16 hours this weekend and only made 63 cents in tips,” Brota said. “And that was from a drunk guy who I let use the bathroom after he stumbled out of The Annex after closing time.” UW-Madison senior Jared Hammer said he and his roommate stumbled in there once after getting kicked out of Jordan’s Big Ten Pub and were so appalled by the general malaise surrounding the place that they vowed to never return again.

“The bouncer asked all of us what our astrological signs were and kicked one kid out who couldn’t remember,” Hammer said. “Then he charged us four bucks for a bottle Bud Light.” As of press time, the Law Club was considering filing a lawsuit against the RSR, asserting that their slogan “You can’t beat the ’Treat!” was patently false and represented a clear and present danger to the previously fun evenings of UW students campuswide.

photo Courtesy OF THE NICK PENZENSTADLER INSTITUTE FOR TALMUDIC STUDIES

Badger Herald Editor-in-Chief Jason Smathers studies the Torah before schlepping a few newspapers to various campus locations.

Herald editor-in-chief converts to Judaism

Danny Marchewka/the daily cardinal

Though it is deserted on an almost constant basis, the Regent Street Retreat is designed to serve patrons a variety of alcoholic beverages and provide them with a warm, welcome atmosphere.

Edgewater edges toward watery grave after edgy Edgewater meeting. Edgewater. The Edgewater Hotel redevelopment was sent back to the Edgewater Committee Wednesday, again not clearing the 17 out of 20 votes necessary to pass the Edgewater Neighborhood Commission Focus Group. “This is unbelievable,” said an unshaven and disheveled Mayor Dave Cieslewicz on his Edgewater specific blog. “We created these committees just to pass the thing and now this? I’ve been awake for three days, and this not passing is just adding to my hallucinations right now.” “We’ve been at this for six years, we can do it,” he added. Edgewater opponent and snappy dresser Fred Mohs applauded the decision of the commission. Mohs lives in the historic Edgewater Hill district that would be leveled with

strategic dynamite blasts should the project be approved and then the land salted so nothing could grow on it for a hundred years. “The commission accurately ruled that this new proposal has the lacking edginess and waterview necessary. The parking lot? I wouldn’t bury a dead, leprosy-ridden dog in that lot,” Mohs said. “This shows the Madison system works: A few cranks, shut-ins and amateur model-builders like me can block a $93 million project,” Mohs said. “The nightmare is over… until the proposal gets brought before the Manure, Real Estate and Edgewater Subcommittee in July,” he said. Ald. Bridget Maniaci, District 2, said she was disappointed with the ruling and that she will attempt to bring it up before the full Common Council in early October.

Maniaci said the Edgewater, which lies in her district and where most of the district’s residents would be housed, would bring valuable amenities to the neighborhood. “The public terrace makes Memorial Union’s terrace look like a landfill covered in cement: smelling like old garbage and excruciatingly boring, similar to so many of the people who oppose this project,” she said. Mayor Dave Edgewater said he was confident Edgewater residents and alders would support the project in the end. However the Urban Development and Edgewater Advisory Study Group was unable to act late last night as they failed to reach a quorum, prompting the mayor to request an emergency videoconference. “Fuck it, we’ll do it live,” he said.

Following controversy over antiSemitic comments on The Badger Herald’s website and an online ad linking to a Holocaust denial website, Herald Editor-in-Chief Jason Smathers decided Wednesday to make amends with UW-Madison’s Jewish community by converting to Judaism. “Oy, I was a real schmuck before, but hopefully joining the tribe will get them off my tuches,” Smathers said while preparing a noodle kugel recipe given to him by his bubbe. Smathers said he would go the

extra mile by undergoing a circumcision this Saturday, but he said the decision had troubled his girlfriend, Herald News Editor Alex Brousseau. “Alex looked like she was about to plotz when I told her, and she kept kvetching about me not being able to schtup her for a few days,” he said. “Typical shikse.” Smathers said the circumcision would be performed by a member of the Herald staff, since he wanted someone who was used to working with dicks.

New Herald ad manager doing great job

The new Badger Herald advertising manager has been pleasant and polite and hasn’t accepted a single Holocaust denial ad so far this semester.

Danny Marchewka the daily cardinal

“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”

news

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April Fools’ Issue 2010

Michael Johnson wows District 5 voters with speedy 200-meter run

An independent student newspaper, serving the University of Wisconsin-Madison community since 1892 Volume 119, Issue 115

2142 Vilas Communication Hall 821 University Avenue Madison, Wis., 53706-1497 (608) 262-8000 l fax (608) 262-8100

News and Editorial

District 5 candidate Michael Johnson left voters in awe at a rally Wednesday by running a 200-meter dash in a blazing 19.89 seconds. “There are those who say I can’t beat [District 5 candidate Analiese] Eicher in this race,” Johnson said to a crowd of about 100 supporters. “But I’d like to see her beat me in this race!” Johnson then donned a pair of bright gold Nike running spikes, had Progressive Dane members Steve Horn and Sam Stevenson set up a banner and left the crowd in a cloud of dust.

edit@dailycardinal.com Editor in Chief Charles Brace Managing Editor Ryan Hebel Campus Editor Kelsey Gunderson City Editor Grace Urban State Editor Hannah Furfaro Enterprise Editor Hannah McClung Associate News Editor Ashley Davis Senior News Reporters Alison Dirr Ariel Shapiro Robert Taylor Opinion Editor Anthony Cefali Todd Stevens Arts Editors Katie Foran-McHale Jacqueline O’Reilly Sports Editors Scott Kellogg Nico Savidge Page Two Editor Kevin Slane Features Editor Madeline Anderson Life and Style Editor Ben Pierson Photo Editors Isabel Álvarez Danny Marchewka Graphics Editors Caitlin Kirihara Natasha Soglin Multimedia Editor Jenny Peek Editorial Board Chair Jamie Stark Copy Chiefs Anna Jeon Kyle Sparks Justin Stephani Jake VIctor Copy Editors Samantha Witthuhn, Tyler Weiss Lauren Hodkiewicz, Liz Van Deslunt, Molly Stiffler Christina Kalsow-Ramos, Kathleen Brosnan

Although many in attendance were wowed by Johnson’s performance, others scoffed at the stunt. “Michael Johnson’s blazing fast speed has nothing to do with the issues of this race,” said campus malcontent Kyle Szarzynski. “And did you see his shoes were from Nike? Don’t the continued efforts of SLAC against Nike’s abhorrent labor practices mean anything to him?” Johnson was unavailable for comment, as he was busy signing endorsement deals with Wheaties, Coors Light and the Dane County Sheriff ’s Department.

Business and Advertising business@dailycardinal.com Business Manager Cole Wenzel Advertising Manager Katie Brown Accounts Receivable Manager Michael Cronin Billing Manager Mindy Cummings Senior Account Executive Ana Devcic Account Executives Mara Greenwald Kristen Lindsay, D.J. Nogalski Graphic Designer Mara Greenwald Web Director Eric Harris Marketing Director Mia Beeson Archivist Erin Schmidtke The Daily Cardinal is published weekdays and distributed at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and its surrounding community with a circulation of 10,000. The Daily Cardinal is a nonprofit organization run by its staff members and elected editors. It receives no funds from the university. Operating revenue is generated from advertising and subscription sales. Capital Newspapers, Inc. is the Cardinal’s printer. The Daily Cardinal is printed on recycled paper. The Cardinal is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press and the Wisconsin Newspaper Association. All copy, photographs and graphics appearing in The Daily Cardinal are the sole property of the Cardinal and may not be reproduced without written permission of the editor in chief. The Daily Cardinal accepts advertising representing a wide range of views. This acceptance does not imply agreement with the views expressed. The Cardinal reserves the right to reject advertisements judged offensive based on imagery, wording or both. Complaints: News and editorial complaints should be presented to the editor in chief. Business and advertising complaints should be presented to the business manager. Letters Policy: Letters must be typewritten, doublespaced and no longer than 200 words, including contact information. Letters may be sent to letters@dailycardinal. com.

Editorial Board Charles Brace Anthony Cefali Kathy Dittrich Ryan Hebel Nico Savidge Jamie Stark Todd Stevens Justin Stephani l

Board of Directors Vince Filak Cole Wenzel Joan Herzing Jason Stein Jeff Smoller Janet Larson Chris Long Charles Brace Katie Brown Benjamin Sayre Jenny Sereno Terry Shelton Melissa Anderson l

For the record Corrections or clarifications? Call The Daily Cardinal office at 608-262-8000 or send an e-mail to edit@dailycardinal.com.

photo courtesy island records

Holy shizz, I wish I was that panda bear. I’d be all like, “Hey Justin,” and then we’d start making out so freakin’ hard (with tongues!!!!).

Oh man, Justin Bieber is hot! By **Mrs.JustinBieber**94<3

soul, as he sings “Baby, baby baby ohh / Baby, baby, baby noooo,” OMG this week has been as he sings for the loss of his first so exciting. I got a 93 on my love. It’s sooooo sad :-( Ugh. Geography test, my mom let me Justin really changed up his style go to Steven Jacobs’ Spin the on “Never Let You Go.” From the Bottle party and most impor- first words you can tell it’s really tantly, Justin Bieber’s new album different from “Baby” with the line My World 2.0 came out!!! I was “Oh no, oh no, oh.” His tears are texting Ashley yesterday and we for not being able to hug his favorite were fuh-REAKING out about girl enough times in the day, which, it! Did you know omg, is TOTALLY CD REVIEW his favorite color what happened to is blue? Mine my BFFL Kelsey too! Pretty sure with her stupid we’re soulmates or ex-bf Chad. He was something. Ugh. always playing Call Anyways, withof Duty and only out any hint of texting her once an bias or prejudice hour about stuff. My World v 2.0 or need to make So lame! “Never Justin Bieber out with J-Biebs Let You Go” has for hours, I can some serious replay say this is the BEST album ever value, and will definitely be bumpreleased by anyone anywhere. ing at everyone’s awesome pool parSeriously, it’s that good. :-) The ties this summer, even that skank first song is called “Baby” and Tracy Feldman’s, but her pool sucks. it has Ludacris in it too. I like It doesn’t even have a diving board Ludacris, but this one time I or anything! Ugh. was singing his song in my room My World 2.0 doesn’t ever lose steam, not even at the end with one of my favorite tracks, “U Smile.” It’s like J-Dogg is singing to me when he croons “You The chorus features a look into smile I smile (whoa) / You smile I Justin’s soul, as he sings “Baby, smile / Hey hey hey / You smile I baby, baby nooo,” as he sings smile / I smile I smile / You smile for the loss of his first love. I smile / Oh.” As soon as I heard that track I texted Ashley and was like “omg did you hear U Smile it’s soooooooo good <3” and she and my Dad came and took the was like, “totally, it’s my favorite! CD away and said he was talk- :-)” and then I was like “I know! ing about, like, sex and stuff. He’s totes adorbes :-P” and she Whatever. This song might be was like “You have such a huge the BEST song on the album, by crush on him” and I was like “I far. It’s about when Justin used know! He’s my dream boy!” and to have a girlfriend but then then my mom called me for dinbroke up with him. :-( What an ner and it was totally lame. We IDIOT; who would break up had meatloaf too! Ugh. with Justin? She was probably In conclusion, My World 2.0 is ugly anyways, like Tracy Feldman the greatest album ever made. If from my English class. The cho- you don’t agree, you can just shut rus features a look into Justin’s up ‘cuz your jealous. Peace!

Michael Johnson shouldn’t have to worry about playing second fiddle to Analiese Eicher in any race after this performance.

the daily cardinal

Barrett strikes back by putting dog shit in Walker’s brown bags Yesterday Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett announced his gubernatorial campaign’s first action since staging a bone-breaking attack outside the Wisconsin State Fair last year.

“That’s what she said.”

Tom Barrett mayor Milwaukee

Barrett staffers will be collecting brown bags produced by his Republican opponent, Scott Walker, filling them with shit and then handing them out to voters. The Walker brown bags attempt to legitimize the Republican’s campaign with slogans like “Walker + Wisconsin = jobs” and “Woman IS a pre-existing condition.” Barrett,

a Democrat and stereotypically pugnacious Irishman, plans to use Walker’s technique against him. “This kind of ingenuity is what my campaign is all about. Jobs, jobs, jobs,” Barrett said. “Manufacturing, green and hand. Even shitting. That’s a job I created.” Barrett had no qualms admitting the tactic was meant to smear the Walker campaign. “We need to prove that he’s full of shit, and so are his retarded bags,” Barrett said. “My son thought of it.” Barrett announced his campaign strategy outside his home, flanked by dozens of uncomfortable looking staffers eating bran bars. Walker said he was disappointed by Barrett’s underhanded tactics. “He shouldn’t do it,” Walker said. “I don’t approve of him putting it in there.” “That’s what she said,” Barrett responded in an e-mail to supporters.

UW regents unable to choose name for Union South, vote to demolish it again After years of planning, weeks of deliberating and thousands of man-hours put into its construction, Union South is being demolished again. The UW regents, along with the Wisconsin Union Directorate, voted to completely destroy the union rather than waste countless more hours trying to come up with a unique and clever name for it. “Creatively, we were just at an impasse,” said WUD Vice President of Project Management Patrick Tilley. “There was really no

sense in continuing this charade. Let’s just burn the bastard down.” The committee then moved on to plans relating to what would replace the soon-to-be-demolished station. Suggestions included a stop for the high-speed railway, a new location for the Edgewater Hotel or a pimp party pad to be shared by several WUD committee directors. “I can already picture the perfect spot for my pong table,” Tilley said. “Just don’t ask us to come up with a name for it.”

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By Ashley Davis The Daily Cardinal

UW Chancellor Biddy Martin announced the first projects to receive funding from the Madison Initiative for Undergraduates second round of proposals Wednesday. The seven projects included improving student advising services, enhancing the McBurney Disability Resource Center and better accommodating students with mental and social support needs. According to a statement, the chancellor decided to fund approximately $8 million in projects for the second round, nearly doubling last round’s, which totaled $3.8 million. Of the $8 million, Martin reserved $1.5 million for comprehensive student advising, a con-

cern prevalent in the submissions, according to Provost Paul DeLuca. The other proposals selected so far only accounted for just more than $1 million of that $8 million budget, according to budgets recommended by an MIU oversight committee in February. According to Vice Provost for Teaching and Learning Aaron Brower, who served on one of the MIU’s two oversight committees, the proposals Martin chose first require either one-time funds or relatively small continued funding. The oversight committee recommended 31 of the original 114 proposals to Martin in February, All of Martin’s first seven selections came from those recommendations, though Brower said the decision on which proposals miu page 4

MIU Proposals Selected for Funding

Christopher guess/Cardinal file photo

The Daily Cardinal

edgewater page 4

-Advising Service Expansion to Libraries and Res Halls Budget: $245,000, Committee Ranking: 9 -Common Scholarship Application Website Budget: $659,733, Committee Ranking: 14 -McBurney Pre-doctoral Psych Intership Budget: $20,250, Committee Ranking: 16 -Program Pairing International Students with U.S. Students Budget: $27,300, Committee Ranking: 29

Feingold gears up for Thompson’s potential Senate seat challenge

U.S. Sen. Russ Feingold, D-Wis, could have to defend his Senate seat against former Gov. Tommy Thompson.

By Maggie DeGroot

feingold page 4

-UHS Mental Health Case Management Program Budget: $64,000, Committee Ranking: 7

U.S. Sen. Russ Feingold, D-Wisconsin, responded to former Gov. Tommy Thompson’s potential run for Senate Tuesday in an e-mail to supporters. “It’s very likely that former Bush administration HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson will enter the Republican primary to run against me in November,” Feingold said in the message. On March 7, former Thompson aid Bill McCoshen said Thompson has been considering a campaign for the seat. “I wouldn’t expect to see an announcement from him until the Republican convention on May 20th,” McCoshen said on “Up Front with Mike Gousha.” “But you’re going to see additional evidence shortly that this thing is ramping itself up, that there are serious people involved in this effort and that Tommy is

Edgewater project gains momentum, now will face city’s Landmarks Commission

very seriously considering it.” John Kraus, Feingold campaign spokesperson, said they would not change their strategy but welcomed the competition if Thompson decided to enter the race. He said Feingold’s grassroots efforts and careerlong fight against lobbyists in Washington will help him win the race in November. “Voters are going to have a really clear choice in this election if Secretary Thompson decides to get in the race,” Kraus said. The recently passed healthcare bill would also be a divisive issue in a potential campaign. Kristin Ruesch, spokesperson for the Republican Party of Wisconsin, said Feingold’s vote in favor of the bill will hurt him in a campaign in which he is already vulnerable.

-McBurney Center Scheduling Software Budget: $31,200, Committee Ranking: 6

The Daily Cardinal

Following approval from the Urban Design Commission and Plan Commission, the Hammes Co. intends to submit an application to the Landmarks Commission in search of a certificate of appropriateness for the Edgewater redevelopment. The last time the Edgewater project was brought to the Landmarks Commission was at a Nov. 30 meeting where the plan was denied a request for a certificate of appropriateness as well as a Landmark Ordinance variance. At the previous meeting the Landmarks Commission questioned whether the proposed construction to the Edgewater was appropriately sized as a part of the Mansion Hill neighborhood. The commission felt the proposed design did not complement the historic neighborhood. The Landmarks Commission voted overwhelmingly against the Edgewater as it was proposed at the meeting in November, but the commission will be seeing a different design this time around. “It will be very interesting if this proposal merits more support or not. Whether this latest proposal can garner more support from the commission,” Ald. Mike Verveer, District 4, said. “We believe that the design evolution over the past few months in particular provides a strong case for the approval of a certificate of appropriateness,” Robert Dunn, president of Hammes Co., said in a statement. Approvals from the Urban Design Commission and Plan Commission could help the project at the next stages. “Oftentimes we look to these experts for guidance, and having the proposal approved by these commissions is an encouraging step forward for the renovations for the project to be approved by the council,” Ald. Bryon Eagon, District 8, said. The Edgewater project has

-Engaging Transfer Students in Wisconsin Experience Budget: $33,500, Committee Ranking: 4

By Alison Dirr

Spring Break Issue 2010

news Martin selects 7 more projects for Madison Initiative funding

Student Council candidates propose education reform in new group By Kelsey Gunderson The Daily Cardinal

A group of Associated Students of Madison Student Council candidates announced their goals for improving UW-Madison for all students at a news conference Wednesday. Members of the group, Madison People Organizing for Wisconsin Education Rights, said their goal is to use ASM to make college education more affordable and safe. Peter Lorenz, a freshman and MPOWER member, said MPOWER hopes to work towards making higher education affordable for more students. He said they plan to do this by lobbying the local, state and federal government and also working towards improving the ASM textbook exchange.

“We believe in an open, accessible and affordable education for all students on campus, and we want to protect the money that we spend on this education and make sure we get the most out of it,” Lorenz said. Jake Burow, a sophomore and MPOWER member, said another way to make college more affordable is controlling the allocation of student segregated fees. He said he feels these fees are not being used to directly fund student services and plans to change that next year. “We will work to make sure that these fees are spent here on campus on services that benefit the students and are not used to fill holes in the state budget deficit,” he said. According to Jasmine Savoy, a freshman asm page 4

ALyssa George/the daily cardinal

Members of MPOWER spoke about their future goals at a news conference on Bascom Hill Wednesday.

“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”

news l

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Spring Break Issue 2010

Report: Wisconsin employment rose in February state with back-to-back increases and job growths on a seasonally adjusted basis,” Dipko said. There is significant seasonal adjustment given for these statistics, and Dipko said this is because of the heavy seasonality of Wisconsin’s economy. However, even with the seasonal adjustments, the report said Wisconsin has not seen midwinter gains like this since 2006. DWD Secretary Roberta Gassman said the employment gains “show Wisconsin is moving toward recovery out of the worst national economic downturn since the Great Depression.” “We remain optimistic that our state’s economy will continue to show improvement opening up greater employment opportunities for many hardworking families who have been out of work through no fault of their own,” she said. —Ariel Shapiro

Unemployment Rates, Nationally and State Wide 12.00%

10.00%

Unemployment Rates

Wisconsin’s employment numbers rose in February, according to the latest statistics released Wednesday by the Department of Workforce Development. The report stated that, with seasonal adjustments, there was a net gain of over 5,200 jobs. The unemployment rate between January and February stabilized at 8.7 percentage point, one percent lower than the national average. “We’re hearing that Wisconsin companies are hiring again, albeit selectively and with caution,” DWD spokesperson John Dipko said. The unemployment rate for Wisconsin in February 2009 was 7.7 percent, and 8.2 percent nationally. Wisconsin’s unemployment rate rose over the year by only 1 percentage point in comparison to the national rise of 1.5 percentage point. “The numbers indicate job recovery appears to have begun in the

8.00%

6.00%

4.00%

2.00%

0.00% U.S., February 2009 Wisconsin, February 2009

U.S. February 2010 Wisconsin, February 2010 Graphic BY Natasha Soglin

feingold from page 3

miu from page 3

edgewater from page 3

“Feingold ignored the wishes of the majority of Wisconsinites when he voted for the healthcare legislation,” Ruesch said. However, according to UW-Madison political science professor David Cannon, the passage of the health-care bill may help Democrats, including Feingold, retain seats in the 2010 elections. He said it demonstrates that the Democrats can accomplish their goals. Cannon also said Thompson’s name recognition and popularity during his time as governor will help him, while Feingold’s strength lies in his record of independence and constituency outreach efforts. All agreed that a potential race between Thompson and Feingold promises to be very competitive.

to fund is ultimately up to Martin. Martin is collecting more information regarding other possible proposals and plans to announce her final selections by mid-April, according to Brower. According to DeLuca, Martin wanted “one more opportunity” to make sure the other proposals were consistent with MIU goals. “We’re pleased and impressed by the range and quality of proposals that were submitted. We’re looking comprehensively across proposals so that, as a whole, the Madison Initiative for Undergraduates is having as great an impact as possible,” Martin said in a statement. Brower said the MIU program has two main goals: opening up bottleneck courses and providing innovative, transformative and educational student services. Proposals for a third round of funding will be submitted this fall and announced in early 2011.

gone through various hearings on its way to a final vote by the Common Council. “The project has taken more than one step back along its long and twisting road, and it has been evolving to meet all kinds of challenges,” Mayor Dave Cieslewicz said in his blog. Cieslewicz said the project is likely to be considered at the April 20 Common Council meeting. Cieslewicz said it would be a mistake to believe that the outcome is predetermined but the recent developments are positive.

asm from page 3 and MPOWER member, another major issue facing UW-Madison’s campus today is safety. She said MPOWER hopes to increase the services that SAFEride provides to students. The service was recently cut from four rides per month to six per semester.

Thousands of Wisconsin voters have faulty information in registration system Registration information for 70,000 voters in Wisconsin does not match that of other state databases, according to a new report released Wednesday by the Government Accountability Board. The statistics are the result of the Retroactive HAVA Check Project, which sought to verify the information of voters who registered between Jan. 1, 2006, and Aug. 5, 2008. The project reviewed 777,561 voters who registered during that period and was successful in updating the data for another 70,000 voters statewide. Of the 70,000 voters with misSavoy said she also plans to work toward improving the university’s Inclusive Excellence initiative to ensure that students from all backgrounds feel safe on campus. “Discrimination and hate crimes are a serious problem on this campus,” she said. Burow said he feels the only way to accomplish these goals

matched names, Social Security numbers, birthdates and driver’s license numbers in the system, 65 percent did not respond to requests to update their information, and the mailed notices for another 26 percent were undeliverable. The board said in the report that some nonmatches for eligible voters will always remain because of inconsistencies between government databases. Although these voters’ information remain unverified, their mismatched data does not disqualify them from legally voting in the state. is to increase the unity between UW-Madison students and the Student Council. “By having a unified relationship between students and the student government, we will be able to get valuable input from students so that we can see the progression of student leadership outside of ASM,” he said.

THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE ONE OF UW’S

7 SEXIEST STUDENTS? .......................................................................................

Sex Out Loud and The Daily Cardinal are accepting nominations at SOL7sexiest@gmail.com through April 9. ....................................................................................... Go to dailycardinal.com for more information

featuresstudent life dailycardinal.com/features

Spring Break Issue 2010

Story by Andrea Tresp

Graphics by Natasha Soglin

With spring break on the horizon and economic problems looming overhead, students are preparing for alternative vacations that will save money and still prove to be a fun experience.

fter pounding through papers, projects and midterms into mid-March, there is only one thing on any college student’s mind: spring break. However, for many, being a college student makes it hard to even imagine being able to afford a nice vacation. Whether the destination is just to a friend’s college or all the way to an exotic island, lack of money is always a cause for concern. Many students have been affected by the recession this year, and some are seeking alternative and cheaper spring break vacations. For some students it’s all about the journey, not the destination. UW-Madison junior Mike Braun is taking his second spring break road trip to Florida. “I worked over break to cover the costs. Driving will save some money, and we didn’t get a stellar hotel.” Mike Braun junior UW-Madison

“Driving, road trips are tons of fun, and flying is more expensive,” he said. “Good music, caffeine and pure excitement will get us through the 17-hour drive.” Despite the suffering economy, gas prices are only slightly higher than last year. Since it often takes more time and costs more money to get a passport and plane ticket, road tripping to domestic locations is popular among students. “The trip is semi-affordable,” Braun said. “I worked over break to cover the costs. Driving will save some money, and we didn’t get a stellar hotel. The total travel and hotel fees will be around $250 for the week.” Having a love for the open road as well as for nature are both appealing to other frugal students, like UW-Madison sophomore Mike Van Dyke, who is headed

to the Great Smoky Mountains in Tennessee. His exploratory trip will consist of four days of backpacking, one day of rock climbing and one day at the Mammoth caves, all at minimal expense. “We wanted to go backpacking. It’s cheap,” Van Dyke said. “So, we decided to go to one of the prettiest spots in the nation. There are lots of waterfalls and tons of geography.” Van Dyke is piling seven friends into a minivan because he found it the most cost-effective, even if it means smelling “each others’ lovely boots on the way back,” he said. Not to mention they won’t have to worry about hotel costs. The cost of the trip will come in around $80 per person. “We are purchasing food as a group and borrowing gear from everyone we know. Gas will be cheap, as we are splitting it seven ways, and the minivan gets good MPG,” he said. While some students are hitting the road looking for truly unique and adventurous experiences at a low cost, some students will be on the road looking to change the lives of others through a program offered by the Wisconsin Union Directorate. The Alternative Breaks program offers students the chance to participate in volunteer and educational trips to culturally diverse and economically disadvantaged communities throughout the United States. The program started with only two trips in 1990 and is now offering 11 different trips for spring break 2010, as well as trips during winter and summer.

Shannon Chaplo, a leader of the WUD Alternative Breaks program, said they “try and make the trips more affordable, as students apply from all different backgrounds.”

“We are purchasing food as a group and borrowing gear from everyone we know.” Mike Van Dyke sophomore UW-Madison

They can also be made more affordable through ASM grant writing, and students can apply for scholarships or use independent fundraising. In the spirit of the collaborative leadership model, the students drive together in vans to locations ranging from an organic farm in New Hampshire ($388) all the way to La Union de Pueblo in Texas ($169) and out west in a Colorado rehabilitation program ($179). UW-Madison freshman Mary Heller, who heard about the program through her house fellow, is going on the Habitat for Humanity trip to Laredo, Texas. “[I’ve] never been to Texas before, and also being next to the border will

expose me to different cultures,” she said. “The trip is made with college students in mind, so the expenses are minimal.” The trip is around $200, and the only extra money needed is for food and any additional activities. Katie Fischer, member of the Alternative Breaks committee, went on the trip to New Orleans this past winter. She volunteered with the United Saints Recovery Project on projects that included painting houses, flooring, roofing and a community garden project. “The trip was extremely affordable,” Fischer said. “My trip included housing, transportation and three meals a day Monday through Friday. Pricing can vary depending on the trip you attend, but all are extremely affordable and great deals.” Fischer described her New Orleans trip as one of the most memorable parts of her college career. “The friendships made and the work completed is amazing. I would recommend alternative breaks to all other UW students,” she said. Some students choose not to go anywhere for spring break because it is too hard to coordinate with friends

from other colleges’ spring breaks since the dates differ. UW-Madison sophomore Eric Bostwick found it hard to get people to commit to going somewhere. “Not only do the dates not match up, but it’s too hard to come to an agreement on what to spend because nobody has anything,” he said. “Rather than go through the trouble, it’s easier to just relax, work and save up money I don’t have so that I can spend it somewhere else frivolously anyway.” “Rather than go through the trouble, it’s easier to just relax, work and save up money I don’t have so that I can spend it somwhere else frivolously anyway.” Eric Bostwick sophomore UW-Madison

With the economy as the main factor in all of this, many students are simply heading home for the weeklong break. As Bostwick mentioned, being home makes it easier to relax because there isn’t the added stress of balancing costs and coordinating schedules. Plus, heading back to mom and dad’s can lend the opportunity to rediscover a hometown. No matter the destination, students’ spring break plans this year are more about piling in a van than working on a tan.

comics 6

DON’T BE FOOLED. While the word “gullible” IS in the dictionary, you won’t ﬁnd it in the

Thesaurus as there are no proper synonyms for it.

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April Fools’ Issue 2010

OMG WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN

Today’s Sudoku

Evil Wiggles

By Caitlin Kirihara kirihara@wisc.edu

Ludicrous Doodles

By Celia Donnelly donnelly.celia@gmail.com

Solution, tips and computer program available at www.sudoku.com.

Fill in the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 through 9.

First in Pressed

By Angel Lee alee23@wisc.edu

Today’s Crossword Puzzle

Primal Crustaches

By Patrick Remington premington@wisc.edu

Charlie and Vomit

By Natasha Soglin soglin@wisc.edu

Answer key available at www.dailycardinal.com AMEN!

1 6 9 13 14 15 16 18 19 20 21 24 28 29 30 31 32 33 37 38 39 41 43 45 46

ACROSS Tips for a sailor? Noisy tumult Pelican feature Senseless person Old Tokyo Seating preference One immune to criticism Sentimental Court activity Young fox Stonework Barely enough None too savvy Dutch Guiana, today Does a salon job Honeydew, e.g. Back muscle, in gym-speak Births, e.g. Word on a faucet handle Poem of remembrance Opposite of aggravate It may be secret Brought back into service Brass-yellow minerals Landlord’s sources

47 48 49 52 56 57 58 59 60 61

of payment Noble title Show to be false Colorado ski city Object of a classic pursuit Small plant shoot Chicken ___ King Kind of attitude Strikeout symbols, in baseball Porky’s place For two, in Tours

DOWN 1 Fleur-de-___ (Quebec symbol) 2 Nancy Walker character 3 Attack word to a dog 4 Fabled race winner 5 Boat ends 6 Decompose 7 Megacelebrity 8 When most children want things 9 B-complex vitamin 10 Mind reader’s claim 11 Euro peak 12 What a typist taps 15 Idiotic 17 Alarming 20 Bolshoi rival 21 Milieu for some

wrestlers 22 “Who has an answer?” 23 Suffer from the heat 24 Having no horns 25 Glucose-creating enzyme 26 Stockpiler 27 Allow 29 Covered with marsh vegetation 31 Is introduced to 34 Jewel mounting 35 More wily 36 Gelded 37 Place to shoot from 40 They improved the quality of Life, briefly 42 JapaneseAmericans 43 Count (on) 44 Brainteaser 46 Olympic race 48 Door lock 49 Try to get some answers 50 Restorative resort 51 Get too personal 52 Is inflicted with 53 Had pheasant under glass, e.g. 54 Brief fiscal note 55 Bagel-topping fish

Washington and the Bear

By Derek Sandberg kalarooka@gmail.com

arts Acting drives ‘Repo Men’ dailycardinal.com/arts

By Joe Bartolone THE DAILY CARDINAL

Reclaiming a television, sofa or car is a common occurrence in the life of a repossession man. Yet, many would ﬁnd it strange if the bank or other ﬁnancial institution repossessed one’s heart, lung or kidneys. This is the premise of Miguel Sapochnik’s edgy new movie, “Repo Men.”

The plot is enough to drive the action, but the story comes off as slow-moving.

The story is simple. In the near future, biomedical engineering has produced artificial organs that save lives, for a price. The Union is a company specializing in artificial organs, which cost upwards of $600,000. With prices like this, patients often cannot afford to pay the cost outright and choose a financial payment plan that works for their lifestyle. When payments become overdue, enter best friends and repo men Remy (Jude Law) and Jake (Forest Whitaker). Under the watchful eye of Union manager Frank (Liev Schreiber), Remy and Jake repossess overdue organs with a sense of professionalism and

chilling ruthlessness. After an accident during his final repo, Remy is forced to take on an artificial heart from his employer. Following his brush with death, Remy is hard-pressed to continue to repossess organs by force. Not being able to work causes Remy to find himself on the other side of the repossession trade. The film continues with Remy running from his former employer and former friend, trying to stay alive at all costs. The plot is enough to drive the action, but the story comes off as slowmoving. The keys to the film’s success are its gratuitous violence and superb acting. Law, Whitaker and Schreiber deliver solid performances, along with guest appearances from RZA (WuTang Clan) and Yvette Nicole Brown (NBC’s “Community”). Law is a ruthless surgeon/repo man, yet still plays a believable father and caring lover. Whitaker plays an overly aggressive repo man who cares enough about his partner to not let his employer take Remy’s artificial heart easily. Finally, Schreiber, who always delivers a memorable performance in any role he takes on, truly exudes the air of a wealthy businessman who is willing to do anything to make a sale. It’s surprising in an action movie to see such terrific performances. Yet, don’t let this take away from the fact that “Repo Men” is an action movie. The audience needs to leave their

DAN SULLIVAN sullivan’s travels

he Internet age has created a period of unprecedented openness in the arts. Works that were previously impossible for the masses to check out are now readily available, at least as reproductions. This proliferation of artworks is by no means a uniquely contemporary phenomenon—just ask Walter Benjamin, whose “The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction,” first published in 1935, remains the definitive text on the confrontation between the arts and popular technology. Indeed, most of Benjamin’s arguments from that essay are today regarded as axiomatic, most notably his thesis that as technology gets more sophisticated, the arts get sluttier. Today’s arts are slutty insofar as they’re willing to get with just about anybody—provided one has the means of accessing them. In a sense, this has always been true; but, as Benjamin pointed out, the difficulties in seeing any given painting prior to the so-called “Age of Mechanical Reproduction” (i.e. traveling to Paris to visit the Louvre or Vatican City to see the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel) gave it cult value—it was unwilling to hook up with just any ol’ connoisseur. But in 2010, if I suddenly get the itch to study Willem de Kooning’s “Excavation,” I need not scrounge up the gas money for a trip to Chicago; all I have to do is fire up Firefox and Google my way to aesthetic befuddlement. Aside from music, no art has become more promiscuous than cinema. (Under the umbrella of “cinema,” I’m including all art that consists of moving images—avant-garde shorts and talkies, video installations

The Internet is more than just an audiovisual ﬂea market: It’s also a place where you can watch a number of ﬁlms you wouldn’t get to see otherwise.

The chances that “India Song” or “Noroît” will be released on DVD here anytime soon are slim to nil. It makes perfect sense that a curious cinephile would find a way to see these films rather than accept their apparent unavailability as the end of the story. Where American distributors of international films have failed us, anonymous cyber-patrons have

brains at the door and take in the excessive violence and blood displayed. Scenes of surgery are intermixed with scenes of Law taking on five to 10 baddies with knives, a hacksaw and a pair of hammers. Sapochnik doesn’t hesitate to show blood splatters on windows, floors and characters themselves. By the end of the movie, the audience has seen it all. Those with queasy stomachs should avoid “Repo Men.”

In his ﬁrst ﬁlm in 10 years, [director Miguel] Sapochnik scores on “Repo Men.”

Overall, “Repo Men” is a quality action flick. The story might be slow at some points, but the plot is original enough to keep the audience’s interest in the characters and the action. As well, with such an intense premise, writers are able to poke fun at the profession of repossessing organs without it being in bad taste. This gives the film a few light moments in what seems like a depressing situation for Remy. In his first film in 10 years, Sapochnik scores on “Repo Men.”

The Internet improves accessibility of cinema and IMAX, magic lanterns and home movies, so on and so on.) YouTube, BitTorrent and any number of videostreaming websites have rendered accessible nearly every film ever made to anybody with a reasonably fast Internet connection and a laptop on which to watch ’em. The Internet is more than just an audiovisual flea market: It’s also a place where you can watch a number of films you wouldn’t get to see otherwise. By making films that had previously been nearly impossible to see readily accessible, the Internet has made cinema more open and democratic than ever before. Marguerite Duras’ “India Song” and Jacques Rivette’s “Noroît,” both of which were first released in 1976 but neither of which are currently available on DVD in the U.S., are two of countless art-house gems I’ve unearthed in my digital excavations. Was the experience of seeing these films in my bedroom the same as if I’d gotten to see them at the 1975 New York Film Festival? Of course not. Was I exceedingly pleased with having gotten the opportunity to engage with these challenging works in any form at all? Without a doubt.

Spring Break Issue 2010

come to the rescue. Of course, piracy is a very real piece of this puzzle; to claim otherwise would be both utopian and cynical. However, websites like the Auteurs offer an alternative distribution model that may be the solution to this “problem” (that is, if you think file-sharing is inherently problematic). For $5, members of the Auteurs can stream many flicks that aren’t yet and likely never will be released here on DVD—films like Philippe Garrel’s “The Birth of Love” (1993), Sally Potter’s “The Gold Diggers” (1983) and Jia Zhangke’s “Pickpocket” (1997). This isn’t the only way that the Internet is democratizing the seventh art. For decades, folks interested in avant-garde film were out of luck if they didn’t live in or near Manhattan, where the vast majority of the most discussed cinematic experimentation has historically been exhibited. Luckily for us Midwesterners, tons of important works can now be streamed on sites like Ubuweb, albeit in inconsistent qualities. But how pristine a copy of Michael Snow’s “Wavelength” (1967), Hollis Frampton’s “Zorns Lemma” (1970), Ernie Gehr’s “Serene Velocity” (1970), Yvonne Rainer’s “Film About a Woman Who...” (1974) or George Kuchar’s “Hold Me While I’m Naked” (1967) must one see to get the point? Can it really be said that the intellectual weight of these films vanishes when they move from the big to the small screen? And isn’t there something beautifully perverse about the fact that you can now download Jack Smith’s once-outlawed “Flaming Creatures” (1963), load it on your iPod and watch it anywhere you please? Isn’t this the right direction for the most technological of all arts? Do you think watching movies on an iPod takes away from the art of film? Send angry rebuttals to dasullivan@wisc.edu.

PHOTO COURTESY UNIVERSAL PICTURES

Strong performances from Jude Law (Remy) and Forest Whitaker (Jake) make ‘Repo Men’ slightly stray from action movie stereotypes.

8 Spring Break 2010 Issue l

dailycardinal.com

opinion Stipend increases a discredit to ASM dailycardinal.com/opinion

JAMIE STARK opinion columnist

n Monday night, the Student Services Finance Committee of the Associated Students of Madison approved two major ASM bylaw changes. Unfortunately, neither student newspaper has covered this story in depth. But most students would be pissed to know the circumstances. For background, the chairs of Student Council and its committees all receive annual stipends, ranging from $2,000 for the secretary to $8,000 for the chair. The money comes from student segregated fees, which cost each UW-Madison student $1,020 per year, in addition to tuition. On Monday, SSFC approved tying chair stipends to a percentage of tuition. In doing this, they chose percentages that would raise several stipends enormously. SSFC chair and vice chair would be set to receive the highest increase— $2,000 more than this year.

The act of overriding bylaws for ﬁnancial gain is dishonest, dirty politics.

SSFC member Tim Fung was the only member to speak out against the proposed changes during Monday’s meeting. SSFC Secretary Matt Manes spearheaded the idea of tying stipends to percentage of tuition. “They’re based on tuition, not just what people feel what they should get paid,” Manes said. He wants to ensure that no council member ever votes to raise their own paycheck. Except this one time. Another proposed bylaw change would allow a one-time exemption for council members serving this year to vote for pay raises and then receive them next year. Along with asking students to vote on their own stipend increases, the percentage change is not much less arbitrary than the current numbers. In the end, both funding plans are just numbers chosen by the current council. “Yes, it’s a judgment call, but it’s a judgment call based on seeing what a person would actually have to come up with to attend school,” Manes said. Several of the chair positions would receive lower stipends. In a sensible act, Manes decided certain chair positions like SSFC and Finance Committee were more necessary than other positions, like Diversity or Legislative Affairs chair. The suggestions from SSFC must be approved by ASM’s Student Council in two consecutive meetings to pass. At Wednesday night’s Student Council meeting the first vote was

delayed until after the upcoming spring break. Diversity Committee Chair Steven Olikara argued ASM could still have quality leadership without raising stipends. “This is student government, so this is public service,” Olikara said. “Why should student government leaders have the privilege to have stipends increase every time tuition increases? We shouldn’t be paid more than other students on campus.” Olikara also said he disapproves of the idea to tie stipends to a percentage of tuition. “These are not salaries that need to be adjusted to something,” Olikara said. “This is a stipend. You don’t look at the hourly rate.” Manes smartly amended his proposal to include protections against future Student Councils voting themselves pay raises. If stipends can be raised and accepted by the same Student Council members, the new percentages would be as arbitrary as the old numbers. But that does not give the current council session a pass against raising their own salaries, particularly when many of the current chairs are likely to stay in paying leadership positions. ASM does plenty of necessary work and spends plenty of time doing it. However, by entrusting ASM officers with part of the massive, multimillion-dollar student segregated fees fund, there should be a heightened sense of transparency associated with the job. The act of overriding bylaws for ﬁnancial gain is dishonest, dirty politics. Still, I understand the reasoning. ASM chairs put in plenty of hours, and some might not stay with Student Council if not for the stipends. But if they’re going to play government, they have to play the whole game. That means fair, open government with rules that aren’t changed haphazardly for ﬁnancial gain. It may not be the most preferable option for current members, but ASM has the responsibility to be good stewards. Whether or not chairs should receive stipends at all is debatable; certainly the pay raises and the process of changing them is controversial. Ultimately, this is a miniscule piece of the larger ASM budget. It can be argued that ASM chairs deserve more money for their work. But it’s also arguable that the $1,020 we each pay in student segregated fees each year is too much. Plans to reduce that number are almost never on the discussion table. But staying focused on responsible spending at least keeps the discussion focused on reducing the cost to students. ASM members should not be voting to raise salaries in positions they are vying for, nor should they be raising salaries so much to begin with. No matter which way they vote, any Student Council member who votes on the matter of stipend increases should not receive an increased stipend. Jamie Stark is a sophomore majoring in journalism and political science. We welcome all feedback. Please send all responses to opinion@dailycardinal.com.

Spring Break Issue 2010

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Johnson campaign asks citizens of District 5 for their support I declared my candidacy for the Dane County Board of Supervisors with one thing in mind: to make the great city of Madison a better place to live, work and learn for all members of the community. With that in mind my campaign is working continuously on a grassroots level in order to better assist my future constituents with their wants, needs and expectations for the city of Madison. As a result, I have listened to countless constituents from a variety of backgrounds. Through doorstep listening sessions with real students with real concerns, I have heard their voices, their opinions and most importantly, what matters most to them. Subsequently, my campaign and I have been championing their cause to turn those constituents’ voices into real reform. For example, once in office, I plan to lobby heavily in order to create the Regional Transit Authority. I view the RTA as essential on many levels. For starters, it will create a sus-

tainable form of transportation for all Madisonians as well as Wisconsinites and tourists. This will result in stimulating the economy via green-job creation, building of sustainable, environmentally friendly infrastructure and promotion of transit to our great city. Moreover, it is important to emphasize the imperativeness, and responsibility to develop transit systems that are Platinum LEED certified. By creating a state-of-the-art, sustainable transit system, we can assure for generations to come that Madison has been held accountable for our environment. Another important concern I have heard from constituents is the need for quality and affordable student housing. As a student myself, I know firsthand some of the pitfalls of trying to keep your head above water when trying to find quality and affordable housing. From bad landlords to the lack of accessibility, transparency and tenant rights, students deserve the right to have

access to affordable housing. Thus, while in office I plan on reinstating the Dane County Affordable Housing Trust Fund Subcommittee. Moreover, I plan to work with tenant advocates to work on a legislative framework in order to enact legislation that addresses the needs of tenants while creating common-sense reform. In addition to the RTA and Dane County Affordable Housing Trust Fund, I plan on working with social service agencies, as well as our community, to create common-sense policies that are efficient, safe and logical, all the while maintaining and enhancing our safety. There is a lot we must achieve, and our final push is now upon us. I ask you for your vote. I ask you to stand with me so I can stand for you. Together. ––Michael Johnson Candidate for District 5 County Board

sports 10

dailycardinal.com/sports

Spring Break Issue 2010

Fans put too much stock in March Madness losses BEN BREINER one breining moment

n the minds of anyone who watches college basketball, NCAA Tournament losses stand apart. They are torn to pieces, broken down and strained for meaning, all in pursuit of the question “why is my team out?” With the bludgeoning a white-hot Cornell squad delivered to Bo Ryan’s Badgers, comparisons with the season-ending losses of the past have abounded as the process has been running its course. The most vitriolic response is always the same: Ryan’s squads are not and won’t ever be ready to surprise in March. The criticisms are always met by the ﬂurry of excuses about consistently meeting hot teams, injuries or plain old bad luck. And the murky truth is somewhere in the chasm between. To start, making a set of those final games is a bit disingenuous. Their proper context is the seasons in which they were played, each with its own quirks and journeys. But few are content with that logic, especially when a certain set of numbers is brought up. Three times in the last four years the Badgers, as a top-4 seed, have fallen to a double-digit seed coming from a nonpower conference. Ryan is 1-6 against 1 through 8 seeds (11-3 against bottom-half seeds). Style could be the first prominent factor in explaining this. In the dance, referees are more reticent to blow their whistles, following the “let ’em play” school of thought.

The lows are never that low, and maybe the price is that the highs are never that high.

Up until two years ago this was an issue, because Ryan’s offense was reliant on getting to the freethrow line. The old mantra of hitting more free throws than an opponent takes just won’t work when a whistle from the official is hard to come by. Complicating matters more was the absence of an absurdly talented big-name Badger that could force opponents to commit fouls that wouldn’t get ignored (see: Sean May in 2005, Al Horford in 2007 and Jason Williams in 2001). In the last two seasons Wisconsin’s offense has shifted more to the perimeter, an advent that could have helped them in the postseason, since four hot shooting games could mean the Final Four. But running into a much hotter team (say a Cornell squad shooting 60 percent) ruins that just a little bit. On the other end, the refs’ change in the postseason also hurts Wisconsin. Almost every team that recently won the tournament has played a brand of

pressure defense, a task that becomes even easier to execute when refs grow hesitant. Against Cornell the Badger D (which emphasizes not committing fouls and does not attack too much on the perimeter) could not pressure around the arc even when it tried. The result: Cornell attacked with impunity and preposterous efficiency. Perhaps, in another sense, this lack of consistent deep tourney runs may just be a symptom of the even-keeled nature of Ryan’s program. Since the Badgers emerged from nearly 50 years as a doormat in the early ’90s, there have been three distinct eras, each with their own flavor and approach. First came the Stu Jackson/ Stan Van Gundy period, where the Badgers boasted big-name talent (Michael Finley, Rashard Griffith) but were only mildly successful as a team. Then came the Dick Bennett/Brad Soderberg era, when the team ran a system, had little distinguished talent and was mostly unremarkable. But mostly isn’t all, and that one moment came when an 8-seeded squad that finished sixth in the Big Ten made a miracle run to the Final Four on the power of gritty defense and a hot shooting run (a year later they lost to a 12 seed in the first round, so consistent they were not). Ryan’s teams always win at least 19 games, usually more than 20, always go to the tournament in March and always boast balance and good, but rarely great, talent. The lows are never that low, and maybe the price is that the highs are never that high. Now, many fans won’t buy this because expectations always expand. A great accomplishment is seen less as something to be proud of, and more as a stepping stone to something bigger. The quote that might well sum it up? “I’d trade it all for a little more.” Here’s the deal: The last loss of the season almost always sucks. Unless a team makes a miracle run, at least 80 percent of the 64 losing fan bases feel like their team could have done better. Kansas won a title just two years ago, and you can bet they’re still pissed about a second-round exit this year. Now, the future is still uncertain. Maybe next year the Badgers get hot, put together a Final Four drive and end this “Bo can’t make noise in March” mantra once and for all. Maybe Ryan pulls in an unreal talent (he was close on Manny Harris and Evan Turner) and signals an end to the stereotype of Wisconsin as a slow, unathletic team. For now, Badger fans have to bear the burden of a team that constantly succeeds but rarely shocks. They’ll have to suffer an unprecedented run in school history all because it gives them a hunger for more. It’s almost unfair they get a program like this. Is it unconscionable, unfathomable and near criminal that Bo has not been to the Final Four in nine whole seasons? Share your ragefilled disappointment with Ben at breiner@wisc.edu.

Men’s Hockey

DANNY MARCHEWKA/CARDINAL FILE PHOTO

Scott Gudmandson and the Wisconsin men’s hockey team will face Vermont in the ﬁrst round of the NCAA Tournament. If they win Friday they will face either St. Cloud State or Northern Michigan Saturday.

Catamounts ﬁrst test as Badgers start NCAAs By Parker Gabriel THE DAILY CARDINAL

Through the regular season and WCHA Tournament, Wisconsin head coach Mike Eaves and his players often referenced “intermediate goals,” from hosting a first round playoff series to finishing in the top three of the WCHA to earning an extra day off in the Final Five. Now, with the opening weekend of the NCAA Tournament looming, those intermediate goals have been replaced with immediate ones that the team must accomplish to fulfill the ultimate goal of bringing a national championship home to Madison. The first order of business for the Badgers, who enter the tournament as the No. 1 seed in the West regional, is a matchup with the Vermont Catamounts Friday night at the Xcel Center in St. Paul, Minn. The venue is a familiar one, as Wisconsin played two games on the same sheet of ice last weekend and has been in the Twin Cites three of the last four weekends. Not as familiar, though, is the opponent. Wisconsin and Vermont, which hails from the Hockey East conference, have not played each other since the Catamounts beat UW 5-2 in Milwaukee in 1996. “They’ve got big people,” Eaves said. “Their leading scorer is 6'5", so they’ve got some big people, and it looks like they collapse pretty well in their own zone and try to take away a lot of second chances.” That leading scorer is senior forward Brayden Irwin, who has tallied 34 points on 15 goals and 19 assists. For comparison’s sake, that total would have been fifth for Wisconsin this season. The Catamounts, by the numbers, appear pedestrian at best, as they finished the season 17-14-7 and in eighth place in their conference. Eaves, though, pointed to a specific stat to close the perceived gap between the two teams.

“They’ve only got [four] more losses than we do,” he said. “At this point in the season, that’s not a big difference.” If Vermont closes that gap by one, the Badgers’ season will be over. If Wisconsin manages to extend the difference to ﬁve, they move closer to the Frozen Four in Detroit. Such is life in the single-elimination world of the NCAA Tournament. While Wisconsin is loaded with experienced upperclassmen, the message is worth repeating. “Just like the basketball tournament, it doesn’t matter what seed you are,” said junior forward Patrick Johnson, who played in the NCAA Tournament his freshman year. “It’s a one-game elimination, and you have to come out with your best.” As they have all season, the

Badgers will rely on a deep and talented corps, led by two Hobey Baker ﬁnalists in senior center Blake Geoffrion and junior defenseman Brendan Smith. Geoffrion scored twice last time the Badgers took the ice to run his season goal total to a team-best 25. Smith led the nation in scoring from the blue line with 15 goals and 45 points. Each has carried the team for stretches this season, helping to reach those intermediate goals in the process. For Smith, the long grind of the regular season has been replaced with an excitement that only the prospect of a national championship run can produce. “It’s a breath of fresh air to know that we’re ﬁnally here,” he said. “Now we get to compete.” —Ben Breiner contributed to this report.

DANNY MARCHEWKA/THE DAILY CARDINAL

Blake Geoffrion scored twice in Wisconsin’s last contest, a win over fellow No. 1 seed Denver in the WCHA Final Five third-place game.

opinion dailycardinal.com/opinion

April Fools’ Issue 2010

view Cardinal View editorials represent The Daily Cardinal’s organizational opinion. Each editorial is crafted independent of news coverage.

library plans reveal futility of life

lans for a new Central Library died last week. Weeks of debate were stiﬂed by the uncaring hand of economics, another reminder that we inhabit a cold, harsh universe that is dictated solely by chance events often occurring at what we deem to be the worst possible times. In light of this, after several nights of contemplation and soul-searching by candlelight, we at The Daily Cardinal Editorial Board have decided that we don’t really care about anything anymore. We don’t care about the Central Library, or the Edgewater, or the environment, or labor laws, or banana republics, who shot ﬁrst, Han or Greedo. Nothing. Seriously, we care about absolutely nothing. Because really, what’s the point? There isn’t really a singular truth or anything in this world, only opinions, and then we could just argue for a while and never get anything done. So what’s the point of debating animal research ethics? We’d rather just go bowling and smoke cigarettes or something.

Fuck it

do you really expect us to spend that time debating climate change or stopping developers from polluting our water? And then there’s all this technology and stuff. Before we had this beautiful agrarian society, you know? Things changed with the seasons and we woke up when the sun rose and spent all day being pastoral and stuff. It was really great, at least on paper it looks really great. Then Edison invented the light bulb and we could all stay up all night, do whatever we want whenever we want, and then the realization of industrialized society, all the phones and new connections. It’s amazing that we can even hear ourselves think above all the white noise out there. Really, do you ever think about stuff like that? Everything is so uncertain, so precarious, it’s like it could all end in a matter of minutes and we’re sitting her fretting about a bunch of material things. Job creation and Mark Neumann for governor. We don’t really care about Narc Meumann or Tricky Dick Nixon because they don’t care about us. Really, how often is Mark Neumann himself anyway? Do you think he thinks about that? Would you vote for him if he did? Why do we even vote on anything anyway? So, yeah, for these reasons. You know what, fuck it

Everything is just heat and thermodynamics anyway. The universe is expanding at a constant rate, you know, really far-out stuff going on around us, doesn’t that make you not really care about anything? What does it matter if we have one Central Library or a billion? I mean, how much can anyone really read a book anyway? It’s just that there is all this inertia, man, all this gravity pushing us in a direction we weren’t supposed to go in. Seriously, the Earth has been around over four billion years. We’re only here for like, less than a second on that time scale,

Numbers Don’t Lie Very specific number This is the number that tells us a very specific fact. Different specific number This number is different than Very Specific Number but claims to tell the same thing. Someone is lying to us! Small Number Wow, this number is not big at all. Large Number Holy shit, this number is waaaay bigger! Look at the discrepency! Obvious Number Number you’ve known your whole life but we feel the need to remind you of. Depressing Number Number that will make you sad because of its size. Go cry in a corner now.

Chancellor Martin fails in the ﬁeld of animal rights OSCAR Biddy Martin’s dog

ow I have overheard a lot of you humans talking quite a bit about primate research recently. Especially my human, Chancellor Biddy Martin. She paces around the house into the deepest hours of the night, going on about “primates” this and “I hate those goddamn idiot activists” that. It has reached a point where I believe that the obvious avenues for debate have been exhausted, and new voices must be sought out. I feel I can be one of those voices, especially considering none of you have the kind of perspective that I have on this issue: the perspective of a fellow member of the subjugated animal kingdom. Bark bark. Before you biology majors go ahead and shout, “Hey, wait Oscar, you’re not even a primate! You’re a domesticated miniature poodle, Latin name canis lupus!” First of all, the domesticated dog is canis lupus familiaris, you ignorant cretin. And second, the fact that I don’t have opposable thumbs or good stereoscopic vision shouldn’t matter, what matters here is I can look at this issue from the viewpoint of a fellow furcovered creature who can identify with being exploited by the often insensitive human race. Arf arf. You see, I know what it is like to live in a cage. Many of the early days of my childhood were spent in the

dreadfully inhumane conditions of my kennel, where I spent all of my days in an enclosed wire box with nothing but a pittance of stale water and bits of dry food rations.

What abhorrent incubus visits Biddy as she slumbers knowing the pain research primates go through? Woof.

Thankfully I was eventually allowed out of that claustrophobic environment, but even now I am still restrained to house arrest, only allowed to leave with the supervision of Biddy or one of her servants. I am lucky if they even allow me to leave the home’s walls simply to urinate in the yard; they would not even dare to give me the simple luxury of using the bathroom. Usually Biddy just points outside and tells me to remove myself from the area, making some sort of reference to fornicating with my mother. And to think, research primates at UW-Madison experience this sort of malicious treatment en masse in our laboratories. What abhorrent incubus visits Biddy as she slumbers knowing the pain research primates go through? Woof. Besides the cruel treatment my fellow beasts go through, the entire idea of experimenting on primates is unethical because of issues of consent. Primates, unlike humans who can willingly agree to participate in scientiﬁc experiments, do not have

the ability to sign contractual agreements. True, some chimpanzees and orangutans have learned rudimentary sign language, but they do not possess the capacity to understand the risks of the experiment or the ordeals they will be exposed to. Certainly none of them know that Biddy may dress them up as Russian soldiers and stage bloody chimpanzee decapitation-ﬁlled re-enactments of Operation Barbarossa. They do, however, have the ability to feel pain and anguish just like you or me. Yap yap yap bark bark yap. I have tried discussing this with Biddy numerous times, but I have not been able to convince her of just how much of an injustice primate research is. When I bring up the topic the conversation always devolves into Biddy tempestuously screaming that primate research protesters can fellate her genitalia (though she uses harsher language). She then transforms into a giant muscular beast resembling the Incredible Hulk that unleashes a reign of terror across campus. But that reaction is to be expected, as I have not even been able to improve my own feeble conditions where I am treated as nothing more than a common house pet. Snarl. Growl. But I implore you all to look at this issue in a new light. Think of the animals, think of how they feel and take your newfound empathy and—wait, do I smell bacon? BACON! BACON BACON BACON BACON! Oscar Martin is a GOOD BOY, SUCH A GOOD BOY. Yes you are, yes you are! Please send all responsess to opinion@dailycardinal.com.

Seriously, where the hell are my Topperstix? By Guy at Toppers DUDE WAITING FOR HIS TOPPERSTIX

Aw, come on man. Seriously bro, what time is it now? Like 4 a.m. or some shit? Honestly, I asked for a triple order of Topperstix hours ago. What the hell is up with this wait? What’s that? You say I only ordered 15 minutes ago? Bullshit, dude. I’m calling bullshit on that. We left the bars and came, like, straight here man. We didn’t stop anywhere, made a straight beeline for this place. Well, we did stop at Qdoba to check and see if my buddy Chase could toss us some free nachos. And Fat Sandwich, ’cause they had “SportsCenter” on. Oh, and we also dropped by Grand Central because my main man Trent thought this chick he knew from Geology 111 was gonna give him a BJ. Turns out she was passed out when we got there. Still, good effort man. Super-secret booty babe ﬁst pound, man! But anyway, we’ve been here like all night, man. I mean, after we decided whether we wanted ranch or nacho cheese with the Topperstix, and after Steve said we should just get a buffalo ranch pizza instead to combine them, and after this cool guy in front of us told us we can just get a ranch cup and a nacho cheese cup in the same box, we got our order in RIGHT away! BTW thanks for that man. What’s your name? Skip? Saul? Whatever. Thanks anyway, dude. But you, man, behind the counter, you’re just being a dick. How long does

it take to cook some Stix up anyway? Thirty seconds? Forty seconds? Oh, more than that? Well SOOOO-RY man, my mistake. That’s how long it takes to make ramen at home, man, how much longer can it take to cook anything else?

But you, man, behind the counter, you’re just being a dick. How long does it take to cook some Stix up anyway?

Hey, stop lying to me, man. I’ve been here way more than 20 minutes. We left Johnny O’s at bar time, and I told you, we came STRAIGHT HERE, and it’s gotta be like 4:30 now. No, dude, that clock behind you is wrong, you must have forgot about daylight savings or some shit like that. Dude, it is sooooo not 2:45. You’re just off, man, you’re just off, I bet you’re high. And not high like I am, you’re probably on some hard shit like meth or something. Do you have a meth lab back there? Are you wasting time in the back cooking meth and crack rock when you could be baking a toasty layer of dough topped with a sizzling layer of melted cheese just for me and my bros? OK, OK, you’re not cooking meth, sheesh! No need to try and throw me

out of the pizzeria! For fuck’s sake, I’m just playin’ with ya man! You don’t need to toss me out onto the cold street with the smokers and the homeless dude in the Spongebob sleeping bag. Somebody get an asshole chant going here! ASS-HOLE, ASS-HOLE, ASSHOLE, ASS-HOLE! Nobody’s up for an asshole chant? Fine, screw all of you. It’s all of your stupid complicated pizza orders that are getting in the way of me enjoying my orgasmic Topperstix deliciousness. As soon as I get my hands on that shit I’m gonna be balls deep in nacho cheese, man. That is if this stupid asshole will get me my goddamn Topperstix! Hey wait, you’re giving this douche Topperstix before me? I was three spots in line ahead of him! Give me those Stix, man! I don’t care if the line was a mob with no discernable order, give me those goddamn Topperstix! OW! Fuck, that’s one hell of a right hook, dude. I take that back, you keep that box. I’ll just wait here until they get me my order. Wait, shit. I didn’t actually order yet. Whatever, I’m not feelin’ Topperstix anyway. Let’s get out of here, I’m craving some Mickey D’s right now. Chicken nuggs, bitch! Up top! Guy is a junior majoring in human development and family planning. He’s also very drunk. Please send responses to opinion@dailycardinal.com.

sports 12

dailycardinal.com/sports

April Fools’ Issue 2010

Cyborg Basketball

Chris Hansen

Hockey players nabbed on ‘To Catch a Predator’ Players say creepy playoff mustaches are to blame for mistaken arrests By Poops McGee THE DAILY CARDINAL

KYLE BURSAW/CARDINAL FILE PHOTO

Three Wisconsin men’s hockey players were mistakenly arrested during a taping of the NBC program “Dateline” when their trashy playoff mustaches attracted the attention of police ofﬁcers on the lookout for pedophiles. Ben Grotting, Brendan Smith and Blake Geoffrion were headed to practice at the Kohl Center when they passed a house that was being used to tape an episode of

the show’s “To Catch a Predator” series, in which police lure men looking to have sex with underage partners to a home and arrest them. As they passed the home, Madison police ofﬁcers noticed the trio’s “playoff mustaches,” which Badger hockey players have been growing this postseason, and assumed they were pedophiles. Ofﬁcers arrested Grotting, Smith and Geoffrion before realizing the mistake they made, and apologized in a statement today. “We are extremely sorry for the pain we have caused these players,” a spokesperson for the Madison Police Department said. “But come on, anyone with that kind of mustache is more likely to drive around near playgrounds in a van than play hockey.” The players said they just wanted

to return to practice and prepare for the NCAA playoffs, while head coach Mike Eaves said he was happy to see how they handled themselves. “Well I think young Mr. Grotting and young Mr. Smith and young Mr. Geoffrion learned a valuable lesson yesterday,” Eaves said. “We always talk about not being arrested for attempting a lewd act on a minor as one of our intermediate goals, and they accomplished that.” This is the third time the team’s playoff mustaches have led to confusion. Earlier this week John Mitchell was mistakenly identiﬁed as a 1970s porn star during a visit to the Outer Limits strip club, while Scott Gudmandson’s Fu Manchu led to him competing in a karate death match tournament on a secret, exotic island.

Bo Ryan’s suit disguises these robot legs, the devices that allow him to hold his signature in-game squat for hours at a time.

Ryan’s “Terminator” knees give him unfair advantage, coaches say By Miles Dyson THE DAILY CARDINAL

The NCAA may soon be coming down on Bo Ryan, and judging by the talent he has brought in of late, it probably won’t be for illicit recruiting. The Wisconsin head coach may be in trouble after reports have surfaced that for years he has enhanced his iconic crouching ability via a pair of bionic knees. The devices, now known across the media world and Internet message boards as Termiknees, are the source of Ryan’s cliched stance that, after 40 minutes of coaching college ball, would annihilate even the strongest of joints. “It’s just RYAN amazing,” Ohio State head coach Thad Matta said. “I tried to crouch like that against Eastern Michigan and had to ice my knees for weeks after.” Commentators throughout the college basketball world have long marveled at Ryan’s skill, crediting his over-.700 winning percentage to seeing the game from a different perspective, specifically just below waist level. Sources have identified Tennessee’s Bruce Pearl as reporting Ryan to the NCAA, an unsurprising move due to his history of turning in anyone who beats him. Pearl replaced Ryan as head coach of UWMilwaukee in 2001. “I’m not saying I told anyone anything,” Pearl said, trying not to sound smarmy in a phone interview. “It wouldn’t surprise me if he was doing something

extra to get ahead. Serves him right. Now I’ve got to go paint my body orange and get to a women’s basketball game so I can look like a giant hairy squash on SportsCenter.” When this publication attempted to contact Ryan’s longtime rival Tom Izzo, the only audible sounds were muffled whimpers followed by the whisper, “They’re tears of joy— someone finally owns Bo.” In a press conference on the issue, the coach was adamant about his innocence. “We do it like everyone else, crouch down one knee at a time and get to work,” Ryan said, glaring at reports. “Back in Chester, Pa., we practiced those crouches for hours. Ole Bobby Darling, he was the point guard on our team, he could sit like that for days, and boy could he feed the post.” “I tried to crouch like that against Eastern Michigan and had to ice my knees for weeks after.” Thad Matta head coach Ohio State men’s basketball

“This whole situation reminds me of these garbage-eating fish in the water hazards of some golf course I once got dragged to. I think you can guess who’s the fish in this case.” Ryan recently ended a record 473minute in-game crouching streak. NCAA officials have not announced plans to penalize the Badgers’ coach, saying they were more interested in Ryan Evans’ potentially performanceenhancing flat top.

DANNY MARCHEWKA/THE DAILY CARDINAL

Three Wisconsin hockey players blamed their “playoff mustaches” for their arrests on pedophilia charges.

Bitching, Moaning

UW’s biggest problem: Press boxes are cold! JOHN POUNDER pound for pound

his column is part three in John Pounder’s at-least-12part series on press box temperatures, which will run from now until he sheds his mangina. As I made my trip up to the Camp Randall Hockey Classic’s press food spread for the seventh time in the ﬁrst period, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “John, why is this press box so cold?” “Well, John,” I answered myself, “I could answer this question now, but I’d rather do it with a narcissistic column that relies entirely too much on the ﬁrst person. That way, it will be more visible to the campus.” You see, one of the things I’ve noticed is that press boxes are really cold! Sure, I could grow a fucking

pair, man up and stop complaining about having to wear a jacket while I cover a game. But where’s the fun in that? That would be like ignoring the hockey team all season and then only writing as if I give a shit about them when it looks like they might go to the Frozen Four. I’d never want to do that. To ﬁnd out more about why the press box is so cold I talked to Chris Maragos, my BFFF (best fucking friend forever, for those of you who do not share the special bond that me and Mary—as I call him— enjoy). After talking with Chris for ﬁve hours, he politely asked me to leave him and his family alone and to please stop watching him while he sleeps. But no matter what Chris or that restraining order might say, I know he shares my hatred for press boxes that are even slightly below 75 degrees Farenheit. Sure, if I had covered a hockey

game at the Kohl Center before I went to Camp Randall that day, I would have known that sitting still near an ice rink for two-and-a-half hours can get a little chilly. Unlike our reporter Max Henson, who I’m sure none of you have ever heard of, I didn’t dress warmly so I was hopelessly unprepared for temperatures that dipped all the way down to the 50s! The other problem I had with the press box at Camp Randall was that I couldn’t hear what was happening in the stands. It’s almost like there was some kind of intentional sound-proof barrier between me and the stadium’s fans so that people who were there to work and not write shitty columns could do their jobs. Well that’s all this week, I would write more, but my Hot Pocket just finished microwaving. Don’t cold press boxes suck? Oh, that topic is not at all relatable to anyone and nobody cares? Whoops.