Tuesday, April 1, 2008 - The Daily Cardinal by The Daily Cardinal

IL APR Special Investigative Report: Is walk sign on to cross Park? FEATURES

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Insufferable classmate just felt like wearing a tie today FASHION

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University of Wisconsin-Madison

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UW BASEBALL COACH: ‘GO 0-0 TODAY’ Players achieve undefeated record by taking it zero games at a time SPORTS

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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Doyle requests extra decimal point to reduce projected budget deﬁcit As government agencies across Wisconsin anticipate budget cuts in response to a shortfall projected at over $652 million, Gov. Jim Doyle has requested legislative approval for an extra decimal point to help reduce the size of the projected budget deﬁcit. The governor’s request follows the release of an independent budgetary analysis that investigated the effectiveness of different mathematical operations in reducing estimations of the budget shortfall.

“We’re exploring all our options,” Doyle told reporters at a press conference on Monday. “Finding the square root of the transportation budget, deriving the change of our projected tax revenues over time, imaginary numbers. With state resources as tight as they are, this extra decimal place is the most efﬁcient solution.” Leaders in the GOP-controlled state Assembly expressed skepticism about decimal point page 2

Sesame Street character and letter ‘W’ advocate Bert demanded Monday that UW-Madison rescind its copyright lawsuit, claiming ‘W’ belongs to all people and muppets, not just a single entity.

UW sues Sesame Street for using the letter ‘W’ UW-Madison officials filed a federal lawsuit Monday against Sesame Street for the use of the letter ‘W,’ claiming the program teaches children copyright infringement at an early age. University officials said the lawsuit is necessary to continue the fight for the Wisconsin name and property. Casey Nagy, special assistant to Chancellor John Wiley, said the public’s association of ‘W’ with the University of Wisconsin was an obvious reason for seeking legal action. “People can say all they want about the oddity of the situation, but we have a serious problem here and we have to protect our name and logo’s trademark,” Nagy said of the second federal lawsuit the university has filed to protect a ‘W’ in the past year.

Bert, an actor on the show since 1969 and president of the National Association of ‘W’ Lovers, said he is “devastated” at the possibility of losing his ability to use his favorite letter. “’W’ is one of the best letters in the alphabet,” he said while snifﬂing. “If you take away ‘W,’ you ruin words—I mean Wisconsin is just isconsin without the ‘W.’” Kermit the Frog, a retired Sesame Street actor since 2001, came back Monday to inform the cast and viewers alike when he announced it on Sesame Street News. In addition to monetary damages for every time ‘W’ was used in the show’s nearly 40-year run, UW-Madison will ask the show to immediately stop using the letter completely. This means the alphabet

Today on the Web

dailycardinal.com/aprilfools Student washes down whole box of donuts with vitamin water In and attempt to shed the weight he put on over the winter, UW-Madison sophomore Jeremy Sinclair drank a bottle of vitaminenhanced water with his standard breakfast of a dozen donuts Monday. The vitamin water replaced Sinclair’s usual morning drink of four blended donuts. Bomb threat called in during dorm ﬁre drill goes unnoticed Motion to deliver anti-abortion bill to assembly ﬂoor terminated Wealthy alum donates 6,000 pounds of Jell-O to UW Art School

on the show would not include ‘W.’ Big Bird, for the most part a quiet member of the cast, has been the most politically active in mobilizing a child petition to combat the lawsuit. “Usually, I tell kids to ask a lot of questions to get an answer, and that’s what we need here. We need to ask why the college wants children to stop learning the letter ‘W.’” Oscar the Grouch, usually unpleasant on the set, actually spent the entire day Monday smiling. “You know what ‘W’ is for? Worthless. We doesn’t need it,” Oscar said. “Bert can just turn it upside down and love the letter ‘M’ instead.” University of Michigan ofﬁcials did not immediately return calls Monday to comment on whether they would sue.

Gov. Jim Doyle demonstrates how, with a simple decimal point, he can reduce the deﬁcit. by a factor of 10.

UW acquires Chomsky in blockbuster deal In a move signifying a “win now” mindset, UW-Madison acquired aging superstar linguistics professor Noam Chomsky from M.I.T. yesterday in exchange for ﬁve professors and two draft picks. Heading to Cambridge in the blockbuster deal will be English professor Richard Knowles, psychology professor Janet Hyde, journalism professor James Baughman, art history professor Nancy Rose Marshall and political sci-

ence professor Howard Schweber. M.I.T. will also receive the ﬁrst round draft picks UW acquired last summer from U. Chicago and Princeton in the Jon Pevehouse and David Leheny trades, respectively. Wisconsin Chancellor and General Manager John Wiley said Chomsky will propel the school into higher education’s upper tiers. chomsky page 2

Gameday song changed to reﬂect admission standards Coming along with me by bright shining light of moon no longer only criteria In response to UW-Madison’s increasingly demanding admission standards, Chancellor John Wiley announced Monday what he called a “long overdue” update to the popular gameday song “If You Want to be a Badger.” “If you want to be a Badger, just come along with me, by the bright shining light of the moon?” Wiley scoffed at his press conference. “Please. Get real.” Wiley said as more students apply to the university every year, it is imperative that popular school songs remain up to date with the inevitable elevation of UW’s standards. “We wanted to change the lyrics to give students a better idea of their chance for acceptance,” Wiley said. “Something more along the lines of other popular gameday songs—for example, Bon Jovi’s ‘Livin on a Prayer.’” According to Wiley, university ofﬁ-

cials decided after much debate to merely amend the second part of the song’s course. “We finally decided on, ‘If you want to be a Badger, just come along with me, score a 35 on your ACT and finish high school with at least a 6.7 GPA,” Wiley said. “It’s honest, it’s specific, and you have to admit—it’s kinda catchy.” Dean of Students Lori Berquam said she agreed with the change. She argued the song’s previous version limited students by suggesting they follow the moon’s light instead of shooting for the moon itself. “We have a little saying around here,” Berquam said. “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the lesser UW System universities.” Berquam said in addition to being inaccurate, the original song made fans look “flat-out stupid.” A study recently conducted by the admissions office found

that, on a given Saturday gamed ay at Camp Randall, only one-in-three fans in the student section can perform the arm motions that accompany the song. “Fans always get the ﬁrst part right, but most get confused when the ‘bright shining light of, the light of the moon’ part comes up,” Berquam said. “According to our study, 40 percent of students were premature in beckoning with their arms at that part.” This made the entire student body look like “a bunch of drunk idiots,” according to Berquam. She said that when they all sat down, university ofﬁcials agreed the new version needed to be on level with the average UW-Madison student—not just the select few who enjoy drinking before sporting events, incoherently shouting at no one in particular during games, and vomiting on stadium security guards afterward.

“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”

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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

news

APRIL

AF2

Students accept Teach Against America positions abroad

Student activists protested Chancellor Favre’s sweatshop-made jerseys Monday by marching across campus with this huge photo, though most students said it merely highlighted his chiseled features and sexy scruff.

Favre to take over as chancellor Wiley: no comment on offer to quarterback Packers Brett Favre announced Monday the real reason he retired from the Green Bay Packers—to become UWMadison chancellor. “I specifically thought of the chancellor position when considering retirement,” Favre said in a rare sit-down interview with The Daily Cardinal. “UW-Madison students have always been some of my biggest fans—now I want to do something for them.” University officials said the football star’s retirement from the Green Bay Packers fell in line with finding a replacement for current Chancellor John Wiley, who will step down in September. “Brett Favre is a natural born leader and as the Packers quarterback, led the team to one of their best seasons in years,” UW Board of Regents

President Mark Bradley said. “We at the University of Wisconsin think he could do the same thing here.” Bradley said Favre’s international celebrity status will help excel the university to become most popular among its peers, the No. 1 research institution in the country and the benefactor of more donors than ever before. “Favre has the likeability factor— now we just have to let him use it to get UW to the top of the rankings,” Bradley said.

“Favre has the likeability factor—now we just have to let him use it to get UW to the top of the rankings.” Mark Bradley president UW Board of Regents

Admissions office officials said they have already received a flood of calls from anxious UW-Madison student

hopefuls. “The phones have been ringing all day with potential students asking if it’s true—basically saying they’ll do anything and everything to be accepted,” Director of Admissions Rob Seltzer said. The Badgers football team is especially excited, since Favre agreed to attend practice twice a week. “We cannot express what this means for our football team,” the players wrote in a statement. “Brett’s skill and passion will give us the advantage in the conference and the country.” In a letter obtained by The Daily Cardinal from the Packers to the university, the professional football team has suggested a trade—Favre for Wiley. “John Wiley has broken records too,” the letter said, referring to the record-breaking funds Wiley has secured for the university. “We hope he will now ﬁll our recently vacant quarterback spot.” Wiley said Monday he has not decided whether or not to take the offer.

Live from Parachinar, Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden emceed the ribbon-cutting ceremony of the world’s ﬁrst Teach Against America base. Two UW-Madison students—who will join the TAA corps in Sept. 2008—streamed the broadcast in Helen C. White library in an effort to bring attention to their cause. “I thought being a raging liberal was enough,” future corps member and senior Ashlee Loltruism said. “But in order to close the postmodernism gap, one must support viewpoint diversity even if it means enabling the terrorist schemes of non-military combatants.” According to Teach Against America ofﬁcials, the organization aims to incite venomous anti-American sentiments among school-age children. Standardized tests in the Parachinar region—as compared to surrounding propaganda-rich regions—indicate that students’ hatred for the United States falls well below desired potency. “Of the million children growing up the absence of a rich

Smoking ban gains support among pansies Although a possible statewide ban on smoking in businesses remains controversial, the legislation continues to gain support among a core demographic of nerds, sissies and lamewads. Thousands of pansies and wusses from around Wisconsin have taken time out from coughing pathetically or getting sand kicked in their faces to advocate their milquetoast position at council meetings and in ﬂoridly scripted editorials written from

age. “I was in my dorm room and I heard this big cracking sound,” said Erin Banks, a Sellery Hall freshman resident. “I felt the building shake, but I didn’t think much of it because with all the construction around here, the building always shakes.” Trafﬁc on Dayton Street came to a halt after the incident, which occurred around 8 a.m. The street will remain

closed as rescue crews remove the debris blocking trafﬁc ﬂow. Construction workers at old Ogg’s demolition site have apologized, but said there was no explanation why the building fell over. “We are investigating all possibilities,” said Debby Savage, construction site lead. “At this point, it could be anything—Monday’s rainfall could have melted the building.”

decimal point from page 1

Barbara Lawton, while using a series of computer overlays to demonstrate the place of the decimal point in the reduced total. “But we then discovered that by simply moving it one more place to the left we could shrink our projection of the budget deﬁcit to one tenth of the new total. Analysts are hard at work right now,

trying to determine if this trend will continue.” As of press time, Doyle’s aides would neither conﬁrm nor deny rumors of a so-called “double-negative” plan, which would call for an extra minus sign to turn the projected deﬁcit into a projected budget surplus of $652 million.

Doyle’s request. “Wisconsin’s taxpayers cannot afford to pay for another decimal point whenever Democrats decide they want one,” said Mark Gundrum, R-New Berlin. State Republicans are expected to introduce their own proposal to reduce the size of the projected deficit by removing several of the number’s extra zeroes, which Gundrum deemed “extraneous placeholders.” Even if state lawmakers do decide to grant Doyle’s request, government accountants and budget analysts will still need to determine where to place the extra decimal point to have the greatest effect. “Sticking the decimal point just before the final zero effectively shrinks the projected deficit to onetenth of its original size, which is remarkable progress,” said Lt. Gov.

Proposed solutions to $652 million deﬁcit Democrats’ plan Introduce additional decimal point Best case scenario Budget reduced to a mere six-and-a-half cents Worst case scenario Doyle wastes opportunity by leaving decimal point-shaped chocolate smudge on ofﬁcial budget document.

Republicans’ plan Eliminate every zero in deﬁcit Best case scenario Budget reduced to a manageable $652 Worst case scenario Republicans eliminate aid to all social ‘zeroes’—i.e. homeless, welfare recipients—from budget.

the inside of their protective plastic bubbles. The potential electoral impact of these shrinking violets is unknown, as pollsters remain uncertain whether any of them would brave the hazards of trafﬁc noise and direct sunlight to vote in a referendum or general election. However, Gov. Jim Doyle has already stated that if a ban does pass both houses of the state Legislature, he will totally wuss out and sign the bill into law.

Demographics currently in support of smoking ban

‘Freak accident’ sees old Ogg collapse across street onto new Ogg In what university ofﬁcials are calling a “freak accident,” old Ogg Hall fell on new Ogg early this morning, leaving UW-Madison students and administrators in disbelief. “A freak accident—that is the only way to explain it,” said Paul Evans, University Housing director. “We are just so lucky that no one was injured.” Almost unbelievably, new Ogg received a minimal amount of dam-

anti-American curriculum, only half will graduate from terrorist school,” said Mullah al-Zawahiri, TAA executive director. “Those that do graduate will sabotage America at a sub-venomous level.” Since committing to TAA’s controversial mission in January 2008, Loltruism and fellow UW corps member Bret Hibbert have become the foci of U.S. Homeland Security Department suspicion. Hibbert said he regards the department’s misgivings as unwarranted, though permitted by the ﬂexible strictures of post-modern thought. “The warm embrace of postmodernism transcends differences of opinion,” Hibbert said. Loltruism agreed: “When we focus on the interconnectedness and irreferentiality of the world’s peoples, we come to realize that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ It’s not my place to say suicide bombing is ‘wrong’ or ‘right.’ It’s merely expression.” Hibbert and Loltruism will advocate ‘mere expression’ when classes begin in Sept. 2008.

Sissies Lamewads Pansies Wusses Nerds People living in bubbles

chomsky from page 1 “Noam is a proven commodity who will provide us with a dominating inside presence,” Wiley said. “He immediately boosts our journal citation stats and will draw defenders away from the perimeter, freeing other professors to take the outside research grant shot.” But some observers say Wiley is taking a huge risk with the 79-yearold Chomsky, who is in the ﬁnal season of an eight-year, $153 million contract. “The fans may keep voting Chomp into the All-Star Game, but there’s no question his skills have deteriorated,” ESPN academics analyst Donna Shalala said. “He still puts up respectable numbers, but his bandbox of a home lecture hall has some of the shortest dimensions in the college ranks.” While it remains to be seen if Chomsky will be able to produce in UW’s cavernous class spaces, he

sounded conﬁdent and upbeat about leaving M.I.T., where he taught for 53 years. “M.I.T., Madison, it don’t make no difference as long as I be getting that cash,” the linguistics icon said at a Monday press conference. “Can’t no one hold Noam Chomsky down.” If Chomsky plays up to his historical averages, UW-Madison should be the prohibitive favorite to win the Big Ten and advance to the World Series of Academia playoffs. But conference rivals are not sitting idly by, either. Wisconsin fans have been spooked as rumors allege that Minnesota is close to a deal to acquire Cambridge physics professor Stephen Hawking. Pundits say the complicated deal is unlikely to go through, though, as numerous salaries would have to be adjusted, Minnesota would have to reapply its Franchise tag, and Hawking would have to pass a physical.

WASH YOUR MOUTH WITH CREATIVITY Swearing should be used in moderation OPINION

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University of Wisconsin-Madison

SPORTS

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A SUPERSTAR SKATES AWAY Complete campus coverage since 1892

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County board’s student seat a voice for campus Dane County Supervisory District 5

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Dayton MATT RILEY/THE DAILY CARDINAL

By Evan Hall THE DAILY CARDINAL

Today’s Dane County Board of Supervisors election will likely take the backburner to votes on the Frankenstein veto and state Supreme Court election, but city and county officials said the District 5 election plays a vital role in representing the voice of the campus community. UW-Madison senior Wyndham Manning and freshman Conor O’Hagan both seek to fill the seat on the Dane County Board of Supervisors. The 5th District is composed

almost entirely of students, which presents both challenges and unique opportunities to its representatives. Ald. Eli Judge, District 8, whose constituency also consists primarily of UW-Madison students, said it is particularly difficult to get the campus population involved in government affairs. “I think it’s of paramount importance that the supervisor has the ability to translate to students what the county board is up to,” Judge said. Judge said both he and the

newly elected county supervisor must be committed to outreach and education in their districts. “Students have a very unique voice, and they need to be represented properly,” Judge said. “I think that in many ways having a student [in office] is a big part of making sure students are getting the representation they need.” City Council President Mike Verveer said he agrees, pointing to the makeup of the districts’ voters. “The bottom line is each election page 3

Students rally against detention of classmate By Jillian Levy THE DAILY CARDINAL

More than 40 UW-Madison students, staff and community activists gathered Monday in Memorial Union to rally support for a student facing deportation. Federal immigration officers arrested Tope Awe, a thirdyear UW-Madison pharmacy school student, and her brother, Oluwagbenga, in Milwaukee Thursday after summoning them to the city for questioning about their immigration status. Awe immigrated to the United States from Nigeria when she was three years old. Several student groups joined together to fight Awe’s deportation, according to Elizabeth Wrigley-Field, a UW-Madison graduate student and a member of the International Socialist Organization, one of the groups working on Awe’s behalf. “We’re saddened and outraged that a student of ours and classmate of ours could potentially be deported,” she said, adding students have expressed a great amount of support for Awe and willingness to help keep her in

the United States. Rally attendees and organizers listed her many accomplishments and contributions to the UWMadison campus as reasons she should be allowed to stay. “Tope is someone who is an absolute boon to the student community. She started the African Student Association, works with the Black Student Union, the Multicultural Student

Kyle Turris signs with the NHL’s Phoenix Coyotes

Coalition—she’s very active on campus,” Libby Belden, a UWMadison graduate student and ISO member, said. According to Belden, Awe will receive a hearing with Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials Tuesday in Milwaukee, but Belden said the details of the hearing remain unknown and it rally page 3

CHRISTOPHER GUESS/THE DAILY CARDINAL

Students gather outside Memorial Union Monday to protest the possible deportation of a UW-Madison pharmacy school student.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

SUPREME COURT RACE

Butler argues his campaign shows integrity

Gableman touts support from law enforcement

Daily Cardinal: Why should students vote for you for a 10-year term on the Supreme Court? Louis Butler: I have the experience, impartiality and integrity that Wisconsin both needs and deserves on its high court. I have spent the last 15 years of my life as a judge— longer than my opponent has even been an attorney—with the last four years of my career spent as a Supreme Court justice. Before taking my seat on its bench, I spent nine years as an appellate lawyer and argued more than 20 cases before the Wisconsin Supreme Court. I have taught at Marquette Law School and have served as a faculty member for the past decade at the National Judicial College, where I’ve taught judges from across the nation and around the BUTLER world how to be judges. DC: What is your opinion on the level of money spent by interest groups in the race? LB: From the very beginning of this race, I asked that these deeppocketed third-party groups please step aside and let the voters hear from us—the candidates—directly. I have called for all third-party ads to come down, even those that ostensibly are trying to help me. Unfortunately, my opponent has not done this. DC: How would you describe the nature of the television advertisements shown throughout the race? LB: I have run only positive ads focused on my experience, endorsements and past decisions. My opponent, however, ran an ad that was so inﬂammatory, so vile, that Newsweek called it “grounds for outrage,” the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel said it was “purposeful distortion” and “unﬁt for any campaign” and called for my opponent to take it down. DC: Do you feel your election would affect the ideological balance of the Supreme Court? LB: This election is one of the most important Wisconsin will see this year. The integrity of our judicial system is at stake. However, much is made about the “ideological balance” of the court without looking at the data supporting how we actually vote. For example, many people are surprised to learn that I vote in the majority secondmost—85 percent—of all seven justices.

Daily Cardinal: Why should students vote for you for a 10-year term on the Supreme Court? Michael Gableman: Students should vote for me for the same reason that everybody else will, that is the fact that as a judicial conservative I will give a fair application to the plain language of the law. I’m going to apply the law, I’m not going to make it. Students can have faith and conﬁdence that when I make a ruling or when I vote a certain way, it means something more than my own personal, political or social view. I really do think there are a series of decisions on my opponent’s part where he has tied the hands of law enforcement, and therefore [made] us all less safe and secure. DC: What is your opinion GABLEMAN on the level of money spent by interest groups in the race? MG: I have said before I think the voters of this state and the candidates in the race would be best served if they took their money and their interest elsewhere and let the people focus on the candidates. Let me have the opportunity to just say why I am the better candidate. DC: How would you describe the nature of the television advertisements shown throughout the race? MG: I think we have stayed positive, and we have let the voters know why I’m the better candidate. It’s not just on the judicial philosophy, but also on my background and former career as a prosecutor. You have to remember that three-fourths of the sheriffs across this state, both Democrats and Republicans, have endorsed my campaign. DC: Do you feel your election would affect the ideological balance of the Supreme Court? MG: Any member of the overwhelming majority of law enforcement that publicly support my campaign and all the other groups that have come forward to support me, all they have asked of me is I give the sort of fair hearing and fair consideration I would give to any other litigant. Each litigant who appears in front of the court will know they will get a hearing based on the plain language of the Constitution, the plain language of the [state] statute and the prior case precedent. —Charles Brace

“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”

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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

An independent student newspaper, serving the University of Wisconsin-Madison community since 1892

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Keaton’s life plan hits snag, lowers utility

Volume 117, Issue 115

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News and Editorial edit@dailycardinal.com Editor in Chief Jill Klosterman Managing Editor Jamie McMahon News Editor Jillian Levy Campus Editor Amanda Hoffstrom Abby Sears City Editor State Editor Charles Brace Opinion Editors Rachel Sherman Mark Thompson Arts Editors Emma Condon Ryan Hebel Sports Editors Nate Carey Ryan Reszel Features Editor Sarah Nance Food Editor Marly Schuman Science Editor Jennifer Evans Photo Editors Jacob Ela Amanda Salm Graphics Editors Meg Anderson Matt Riley Copy Chiefs Andrew Dambeck Al Morrell Gabe Ubatuba Copy Editors Megan Dwyer Kerry Jessup, Soly Moustafa Megan Orear, Levi Prombaum

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KEATON MILLER miller’s genuine drafts

’ve always wanted to be a doctor. This means different things to some people. One of my male friends wants to be a gynecologist. He thinks this will get him more ass, but I believe it will turn him gay. Another of my friends wishes to be a farm veterinarian—while this will guarantee asses of many sizes, they might not be of the desired species. When I say I want to be a doctor, though, I’m not talking about medicine at all—I’m talking about a Ph.D. With this goal in mind, I set about a pretty well-deﬁned course. I did well in high school. I applied to quality colleges and attended one. I found a ﬁeld—economics—that I am passionate about and want to contribute to. But now, as graduation looms, questions arise about what to do next. As per my so-called Life Plan, I

applied to graduate schools, and while I was rejected from top economics programs—Chicago, Harvard, Bob Jones’ University of Moral Choices— I did manage to get accepted to a couple of schools. But this leads to a question: What do I do? I could start a five-year program, enter the world of academia immediately and live out the rest of my life in an ivory tower. Or I could spend a year or two working to improve my chances of getting in to one of the better programs and learn a thing or two about the socalled real world. The pros and cons of each choice are numerous and difficult to weigh against each other. Clouding the matter is the problem of information. All of my knowledge about the field of economics is colored by my various classroom experiences. Friends already in the working world have complained about the difference between reality and the illusion presented to them during a job interview. So in the end, the decision I must make—the decision we all must make—is between alternatives that we cannot judge with any idea

of accuracy. With all of this uncertainty about my future, it might be useful to seek out an expert. Let’s see ... out of all the subjects taught at this fine institution, which one is chiefly concerned with the topic of binding decision making? Which department works to explain how human beings make choices about investments, time, money and ... oh. Yeah, that’s right. Economics. Sweet Irony, thou hast pierced my heart with an icicle and my life force doth flow out of my ruptured arteries like the supply of cheap housing in this antagonistic market. So what am I going to do? It’s unclear, and I have only a month to decide. But it’s clear that after all of the time spent teaching fact after fact and theorem after theorem, our society has forgotten how to teach ourselves life itself in any sort of systematic way. Sure, life itself is disorganized and it’s definitely a good idea that people learn some of this in the most disorganized way possible—late-night partying, early morning hangovers and awkward moments when you cannot

remember the names of the people you are sharing a bed with. But this leads to an incredibly unbalanced distribution of knowledge. My personal experiences have left me with arcane knowledge about home ownership and money management, but nothing about how to keep my girlfriends from cheating on me. Meanwhile, my roommate can tell stories about sex that would stun Jenna Jameson but cannot ﬁgure out how to balance his checkbook. Maybe it’s time for economists to turn away from explaining the decisions that people have already made, and start thinking about how to help people make better ones. Maybe it’s time for us to stop thinking about the future in nebulous terms and learn how to better cope with uncertainty. Maybe I should be a gynecologist instead. Keaton believes that most friction between individuals can be simply explained by the fact that we’re all neurotic, psychotic and a little bit homoerotic. As for the job search? Don’t ask. E-mail him at keatonmiller@wisc.edu.

The Daily Cardinal is published weekdays and distributed at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and its surrounding community with a circulation of 10,000. The Daily Cardinal is a nonproﬁt organization run by its staff members and elected editors. It receives no funds from the university. Operating revenue is generated from advertising and subscription sales. Capital Newspapers, Inc. is the Cardinal’s printer. The Daily Cardinal is printed on recycled paper. The Cardinal is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press and the Wisconsin Newspaper Association. All copy, photographs and graphics appearing in The Daily Cardinal are the sole property of the Cardinal and may not be reproduced without written permission of the editor in chief. The Daily Cardinal accepts advertising representing a wide range of views. This acceptance does not imply agreement with the views expressed. The Cardinal reserves the right to reject advertisements judged offensive based on imagery, wording or both. Complaints: News and editorial complaints should be presented to the editor in chief. Business and advertising complaints should be presented to the business manager. Letters Policy: Letters must be typewritten, double-spaced and no longer than 200 words, including contact information. Letters may be sent to letters@dailycardinal.com.

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For the record In the March 31 article “Manning, O’Hagan prep for Tuesday election,” the Daily Cardinal incorrectly spelled the name of District 5 candidate Conor O’Hagan. The Daily Cardinal regrets the error.

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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

news

Conference says conﬁdence key for women in work force By Elizabeth Michaels THE DAILY CARDINAL

CHARLIE BAKER/THE DAILY CARDINAL

Professor Georgia Duerst-Lahti of Beloit College spoke to students to promote conﬁdence in working women Monday at Grainger Hall.

Lawton to seek ofﬁce if Doyle does not run for third term By Solly Kane THE DAILY CARDINAL

Lieutenant Gov. Barbara Lawton said Monday in an Associated Press article she would consider running for governor in 2010 if Gov. Jim Doyle decides not to run for re-election. However, Lawton said she could not imagine a situation where she would run against Doyle, saying he is still undecided about running for reLAWTON election. “When asked if I would consider running I said yes because I see tremendous potential for the state of Wisconsin from my front-row seat,” she said. Mike Edmondson, Doyle’s campaign ﬁnance director, said the governor is still undecided on whether he will seek a third term. “He’s focused on protecting education, creating jobs and expanding health care, not on political campaigns that may or may not

rally from page 1 could be rescheduled. UW-Madison senior Nurilign Ahmed said Awe contributed to Madison’s community tremendously in the past three years and deserves to be allowed to finish her education. “We’re saddened and outraged that a student of ours and a classmate of ours could potentially be deported.” Elizabeth Wrigley-Field graduate student UW-Madison

“She is a very good asset for UW-Madison and for the health community,” Ahmed said in reference to Awe’s work as a pharmacy student. “I believe that [UWMadison] losing her is like losing a very good resource.” If deported, Awe would not be

occur at the end of the decade,” Edmondson said. The governor is focused on doing what’s right for the people of Wisconsin, according to Edmondson, and campaign operations are in place to make sure Doyle is in the best position to make a decision when the time comes. Lawton said her focus is on her agenda as lieutenant governor and holding up her record of being proactive and productive. “I see how we can harvest the talents of the people here and build an extraordinary state, a model for the world,” she said. “But, beyond that, this is the ﬁrst that I’ve uttered those words.” Kirsten Kukowski, the communications director of the Republican Party of Wisconsin, said the Republican Party would not be concerned if Lawton ran for governor. She said the party is focusing on more timely issues rather than the gubernatorial race. “Lawton would have a hard time in her own primary, so we are not really worried about it at all,” Kukowski said. able to return to the United States for 10 years, according to Jawana Williams, a UW-Madison pharmacy school student and close friend. Williams also said Awe has not been back to Nigeria since immigrating and, if deported, would have nothing to return to. “Her family hasn’t been back in 20 years, and they have no contact with any family. If she is deported, we don’t know where she will go.” After the rally, students marched from the Union to the office of U.S. Rep. Tammy Baldwin, D-Madison, to encourage Baldwin to join the efforts to help Awe. Rally organizers said they believe students can secure Awe’s return to campus. “I think we have the potential to actually prevent her from being deported and also set a precedent that ICE can’t come into the Madison community and deport anybody in the dead of night without people making a fuss about it,” Wrigley-Field said.

The UW Student Leadership Program hosted a “Keys to Confidence” conference Monday night at Grainger Hall to address how confidence and leadership affect women’s lives and careers. “Our mission is really a lot of personal development incorporated with activism all going toward leadership,” said Marissa Lucchesi, chair of the Leadership and Social Justice Committee, the program branch hosting the conference. “This itself is a form of activism,” Lucchesi said. “We’re educating people, we’re getting people to challenge themselves, we’re showing people that there are discrepancies in the world.” “Confidence building is a process like leadership building is,” said Paula Tran, a UW-Madison senior

and event coordinator. “We don’t become leaders, we don’t become confident overnight.” Dean of Students Lori Berquam used interactive exercises to engage students in confidence building activities. After the activities, event coordinators had students fill out a “Leadership Practices Inventory.” “The authors of the Leadership Practices Inventory did a lot of research and found that there are five practices that are most common for leaders, and those are that the leaders challenge, inspire, enable, model and encourage,” Tran said. Professor Georgia Duerst-Lahti of Beloit College spoke about gender expectations and the effects those roles and tendencies have on women’s opportunities for leadership positions and some ways women can be successful despite these obstacles.

“Men and women, on average, start out college with the same level of confidence, but, by the time they are done, women’s confidence comes in much lower than men’s,” she said. According to Duerst-Lahti, part of the problem is the perception of women in the work force. She said the lack of women in top positions and number of women who leave the career track to pursue the “mommy track” have resulted in a lack of leadership role models for women and the perpetuation of the notion that to be successful, one has to work long hours and cannot have time for family relationships. Duerst-Lahti gave steps women can take to become successful in the work force, including making themselves stand out within their field, “developing a thick skin” and taking responsibility for personal development.

When it doesn’t drain, it pours

AMANDA SALM/THE DAILY CARDINAL

During Monday’s thunderstorm, a drain clogged at the northeast entrance of Vilas Hall, creating a small ﬂood on the second ﬂoor. Graduate students and custodial staff cleaned up the water with shovels.

Wiley asks students to share experiences for fall convocation UW-Madison students who have overcome a challenge during their time in Madison or who have had a life-changing experience meeting someone different from themselves can apply to tell their story to nearly 5,500 new students in the fall. Chancellor John Wiley is seeking student submissions on these topics and others, including advice on what new students must know about their

election from page 1 of those districts are made up substantially and overwhelmingly by UW-Madison students,” he said. Although the county is primarily responsible for human services, as well as managing the lakes and running the county’s courts and jails, Verveer said the city plays a meaningful role in many of these county functions. He added Madison would only make headway on those issues through collaboration with county officials like the District 5 supervisor. “Regional cooperation is critical to solving these issues— everything from public safety to transportation to the environment,” Verveer said. “There

first year at UW-Madison. Although Wiley will step down as chancellor in September, and may not be at the Chancellor’s Convocation on Aug. 29 at the Kohl Center, he will make the final selection. In addition to speaking, the winner will meet Wiley’s replacement, meet Mayor Dave Cieslewicz, and receive a $100 gift certificate to the University Book Store. Office of Orientation and

New Student Programs employees and staff members will select a group of finalists for Wiley to choose from. All essays, 1,000 words or less, are due May 2 by e-mail to chancellor@news.wisc.edu with name, year in school, major and hometown attached. To see past ﬁnalists’ essays, log on to http://www.chancellor.wisc.edu/convocation/essays.html.

are a myriad of issues the city and county not only should but must work together to tackle.” Current District 5 supervisor Ashok Kumar said he hopes his successor will support legislation aimed at cleaning up the lakes and watersheds and establishing a county-wide ordinance to guarantee workers improved wages and benefits. “I hope that they actually address issues that affect low income people, people of color, women and the LGBT community—communities that have been largely marginalized,” Kumar said. Kumar said the student representative on the Dane County Board of Supervisors has historically provided a progressive perspective and he hopes this

tradition will continue. “The voices of students are important, they’re refreshing,” Kumar said. “We have a long line of progressive, changeminded supervisors who actually made change once they were elected.” Kumar emphasized the importance of humility in cooperating with city and county officials in order to pass his proposals. However, he said the county supervisor must also be ready to stand up to his colleagues when necessary. “With humility comes the idea that you’re just a public servant. People demand change and you have to execute that,” Kumar said. “It’s working with people but also being confrontational to effect change.”

opinion 4

dailycardinal.com/opinion

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

view Cardinal View editorials represent The Daily Cardinal’s organizational opinion. Each editorial is crafted independent of news coverage.

lukewarm for wyndham

yndham Manning is the best candidate to succeed Ashok Kumar as the Dane County District 5 Supervisor. He is neither a great candidate nor the lesser of two evils, but rather the better of two mediocres. District 5 deserves a realistic candidate whose goals align with those of its constituents. Although both candidates buzz with eagerness to “improve safety,” “support regional transit” and “protect the earth,” Manning augments his passion with substance.

Unlike O’Hagan, Manning has knowledge of the past and designs for the future.

At the outset of the campaign, opponent Conor O’Hagan’s safety platform rested on his design to expand the SAFEride program and shift the cost to the city. Shortly thereafter, O’Hagan rescinded this stance and proposed a new latenight cab service. Both proposals are seriously ﬂawed: If Dane County residents ﬁnanced SAFEride, they would unjustly pay for services used exclusively by students. If O’Hagan launched a free late-night cab service, it would render SAFEride obsolete and produce the same result: Dane County residents would pick up the tab for a student service. On the issue of transportation, both candidates support the creation of a Regional Transit Authority. O’Hagan demonstrates weak knowledge about the history and logistics of the issue—particularly on the difference between

streetcars and commuter rail. Considering the streetcar controversy provoked one of the most venomous debates this county has experienced in recent years, it is alarming that O’Hagan addresses the issue with chipper naiveté. Unlike O’Hagan, Manning has knowledge of the past and designs for the future. He knows the nuances of the Mayor’s trolley plans and exactly how he would fund the RTA—a half-cent tax increase. Manning’s commitment to the environment—particularly city lakes—also has substance. Manning recognizes the past research of the Community Manure Feasibility Study Committee and can use it to support his advocacy of technologies that convert waste to fuel and prevent phosphorus and pathogens from leaking into city lakes. O’Hagan, on the other hand, proposes that Dane County simply remove existing pollutants and adopt other counties’ lake preservation models. How will the county remove the pollutants? Do other counties face the same chemical predicaments as Dane? O’Hagan has not sufﬁciently answered these questions over the course of his campaign, exposing yet another weakness in his platform. In short, O’Hagan has not lived in Madison long enough to develop a comprehensive knowledge of district or constituent issues. As a result, Manning outshines O’Hagan on many issues, despite having weaknesses of his own. If Manning can serve as an ambassador for his constituents rather than an advocate of his personal interests, he will reform the precedent set by Ashok and build a more congenial rapport with his district. On the condition that he turns his ears to constituents and open his eyes to his own faults, we endorse Wyndham Manning.

Spice up your lexicon without cussing more LEVI PROMBAUM/THE DAILY CARDINAL

EMILY HOULTER opinion columnist

he United States is a nation of addicts. Everyone seems to need, crave or desperately have to have something. Think about it. As a nation, we are addicted to fast food. We are addicted to smoking. We are addicted to prescription drugs, chocolate, tanning, country music, “America’s Next Top Model”... The list continues. But there is one addiction that really annoys the frick out of me: swearing. It seems that we have become a nation of sailors and potty mouths. South Pasadena, Calif. had an interesting solution to this gosh darn problem. The city council passed a proclamation that approved the public shaming of those who use profane language or make rude gestures. The proclamation was meant to

remind the town of the importance of civility and intelligent dialogue. Even more surprising, the idea was originally proposed by a teenager. After forming a “No Cussing” club at his high school, the freshman decided to expand his targeted audience to include the adults in his world. This may be an extreme example, but the general idea could not be more correct. After all, cursing used to be an activity undertaken by the lowest members of a society. Knowing and using bad language used to be the mark of an evil person, someone you would cross several streets to avoid. Now swearing has become a rite of passage. At ﬁve, kids can go to kindergarten. At 16, kids can drive. Somewhere in between there, at an increasingly young age, kids add nasty words to their vocabulary. From the guy next door who yells “sh#@” every morning when his alarm blares to the professor whose nasty language offends even her most liberal students, swearing surrounds us every day. Because swearing is so common, these forbidden words have

lost much of their impact. Many students hardly flinch in the presence of cussing. Such powerful language used to be reserved for extreme situations, such as dropping a boat on your toe. Now when something severely negative happens, there are no longer strong enough words to capture the pain or stupidity of the moment. Let’s call this a story of the boy who cried “f*&%.” If every other word that leaves your mouth starts with F and rhymes with duck, who would come to his rescue if something truly awful happened and he yelled his favorite word? Most likely, not a single person would come sprinting to his aid. Furthermore, this overuse of a select number of ugly words truly shows the lack of creativity of our society. Rather than invent new insults or assemble innovative phrases, people shift into autopilot, using the same six or so words that nearly every other person uses. It warms my heart when I hear my siblings calling each other “twit nuggets.” What creativity! After all, some of the most insulting and offensives phrases are often ones created on the spot and specified to the target of degradation. Finally, excessive swearing makes the swearer sound thoroughly dimwitted to the swearee. Those with a higher degree of education should have a more expansive vocabulary than the rest of society. Yet, hearing some students speak on campus, one would not believe this to be the case. Those who curse quite often seem unable to form a coherent thought. Additionally, the people of the world are constantly passing judgment on those around them. Too much cussing can cause a horrible impression on future professors, dates, and group-project partners. There is a time and place for swearing. But in between those times, use creative means to express displeasure. The results will have a much more positive impact and outlook. Emily Houtler is a sophomore majoring in environmental science and math. Please send responses to opinion@dailycardinal.com.

arts ‘Fat Boy’ runs, can’t avoid rom-com norms dailycardinal.com/arts

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

By Mark Riechers THE DAILY CARDINAL

The rom-com parody “Run, Fatboy, Run” may slip into the very clichés it should be mocking, but it manages to keep moving forward on the legs of the filthy script penned by Simon Pegg and Michael Ian Black. The film follows Pegg as Dennis, a commitophobe who leaves his pregnant fiancée at the altar following a prenuptial panic attack. Five years later, Dennis leads a miserable existence, renting out a basement and working as a security guard for a lady’s underwear boutique. Meanwhile, the mother of his child, Libby (Thandie Newman), is getting cozy with Whit (Hank Azaria), the classic rich-and-buff rival that ends up being a complete asshole. When Whit brags about a marathon he plans to run, the pudgy Dennis signs up as well to prove to Libby he can commit to something and finish it.

Like all of Pegg’s ﬁlms, this one turns from a parody to a member of the genre being parodied. PHOTO COURTESY MATERIAL ENTERTAINMENT

Pegg and Black stay inside the lines as far as romantic comedy concepts go, but they color the dialogue in between clichés with a lovely tone of crudity and filth. For a PG-13 film, the script is packed with off-color sexual references and unsavory characters that seem to belong in an R-rated effort. The visual jokes, likewise, hold little back, like when Dennis’ gambling addict friend, Gordon (Dylan Moran, “Shaun of the Dead”), pops one of Dennis’ blisters, squirting whitish

Simon Pegg and Michael Ian Black return to the genre mockery scene with “Run, Fat Boy, Run.” Although the ﬁlm stays aﬂoat thanks to Pegg’s comedic timing and scattered visual humor, “Fat Boy” eventually becomes the butt of its own joke, slipping into romantic comedy clichés. puss in his eye. Dennis mumbles, “I’m sorry, that’s never happened before.” The pair seems to write themselves around the censors, and the audience benefits. The problem comes when it’s time for the mushy segments. Like all of Pegg’s films, this one turns from a parody to a member of the genre being parodied. However, while “Shaun of the Dead” and “Hot Fuzz” successfully became straight zombie and

action flicks, “Run Fatboy, Run” doesn’t fare as well in this transition, mostly because this audience doesn’t necessarily want a straight romantic comedy. Last-minute character transformations are necessary for films like this to work. Azaria’s goodguy rival suddenly becomes a bastard, the cruel landlord suddenly takes a shine to Dennis to help him win back Libby and Libby suddenly decides she’s in

love with Dennis again. It’s all very heartwarming, unbelievable and ripe for parody, though Pegg and Black don’t capitalize on it enough. The mush is only viable on the strength of the characters crafted by Pegg, Moran and Azaria, who bring their ensemble talent together and create a palpable energy on screen. Much of this may be due to David Schwimmer, who makes his surprising debut

Online music dilutes music critics’ inﬂuence BEN PETERSON ben caught stealing

he fact that you’re reading this column probably means you have some interest in the discussion of music via the printed word—a seemingly obvious statement, but a fundamental one nevertheless. This practice of writing and reading about music (or any form of entertainment for that matter) holds a strange place in the grand scheme of things: It is totally supplemental to the art itself and also important to its proliferation and reception. Critics have historically held the power to override how music might otherwise be interpreted if left to its own devices, tainting it with judgment for better or worse and acting as a filter for the popular consciousness. Some would argue that critics are therefore the scourge of the industry, passing down judgment on art they themselves could not make. Others would defend their important role in ascribing merit, since, quite frankly, there’s a lot

out there to sift through. The question is whether the Internet—which has already irreconcilably changed music— is dissolving this age-old debate by marginalizing the once privileged and necessary role of the critic. According to my vantage point, hardly anyone reads music magazines anymore, despite the fact that at least eight prominent publications are still somehow in circulation. To most, the notion of a magazine only being updated monthly or bi-weekly has become strangely archaic when compared to websites that update news and reviews multiple times a day—like NME, Pitchfork Media and CMJ. On top of that, the majority of magazines out there leave quite a bit to be desired, since they are often stodgily written and bloated with filler. These things are certainly less of an issue with the mix ’n’ match approach of finding articles online. The Internet has given every potential music journalist a voice and allowed limited, niche audiences to finally find a venue of expression. It must not be ignored, however, that despite certain benefits, music blogs and

online publications carry a most unfortunate side effect: They are turning music into an “industry of cool,” as Lester Bangs would have put it.

It’s hard to say exactly what the role of music journalism is becoming.

The Internet allows the rapid fire of hype machines to wreak havoc on the more natural course of music exposure. It seems online writers often measure music in terms of viewpoints and hoopla generated by other websites, and like a game of telephone, that usually results in an original idea getting distorted by people who portray something different from how it actually is. In our current landscape of wide accessibility, where music fans are easily oversaturated with material to listen to and anything you want to hear is basically a click away, it’s hard to say exactly what the role of music

journalism is becoming. On one hand, with the advent of album streams, free MP3s, 30second samples and filesharing, there is now a whole variety of easy ways for people to sample and judge music for themselves. It almost seems as if we wouldn’t even need critics to tell us what’s good anymore. It’s no longer necessary to steer people away from “bad” music because less is at stake—no one really needs to buy an album to hear it, allowing for a more causal process of evaluation. At the same time, the opposite could be true. There’s now so much music at our fingertips we need people writing about music more than ever, just to avoid drowning in a sea of availability. I think the opinions of others are still needed to steer listeners in the right direction and help us sift through everything that’s out there. Now, it’s easier to combine reading about an album with experiencing it firsthand and, in the end, that balance is very advantageous. Think that Ben, being a music critic himself, should stop whining about the decline of critics in the current digital revolution? Let him know at bpeterson1@wisc.edu.

in the director’s chair and seems to have rallied the cast around the idea that the whole film has a layer of filth bubbling under the surface, waiting to pop out at any moment. The film is a well-executed entry into the romantic comedy field, even if a familiar one at times. Laughs abound, and the characters are both lovable and identifiable, making for a perfect date flick.

‘Stand up for Peace’ and fall over laughing at the Comedy Club Comedians Scott Blakeman and Dean Obeidallah will try to prove laughter really is the best medicine when they take the stage at State Street’s Comedy Club this Tuesday night, hoping to use humor to address problems in the Middle East. According to Blakeman, who created ‘Stand up for Peace’ with Obeidallah six years ago in New York City, comedy is a more effective way of getting people to think about an issue without preaching. “A lot of times on college campuses, speakers who kind of polarize people are brought in and people get angry and storm out ... This is a way really to get people to laugh and then, at the end of the show, people have some awareness with what’s going on over there.” With material heavily geared toward college students, Blakeman said there’s no reason the show can’t be light-hearted, despite it’s serious message. “Bottom line: It’s a comedy show,” Blakeman said. Hosted by the Jewish Cultural Club, the show begins at 7:30 p.m.

comics 6

dailycardinal.com/comics

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Finding Waldo’s shoe in the Land of Waldos

Today’s Sudoku

Beeramid

By Ryan Matthes beeramid_comic@yahoo.com

Mega Dude Squad

By Stephen Guzetta and Ryan Lynch rplynch@wisc.edu

Solution, tips and computer program available at www.sudoku.com.

Fill in the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 through 9.

If you rub a badger at the correct speed,

Dwarfhead and Narwhal

By James Dietrich jbdietrich@wisc.edu

it sounds like a ﬂute.

Today’s Crossword Puzzle

The Crackles

Aww Tube. Why the pouty face?

Anthro-apology

By Simon Dick srdick@wisc.edu Everybody loves you more, Internet, and I cant figure out why.

I have pictures of ponies!

By Eric Wigdahl wigdahl@wisc.edu

Answer key available at www.dailycardinal.com THE EYES HAVE IT ACROSS 1 Unit of loudness 5 Passover-to- Shavuot period 9 Site of King’s voter registration drive 14 Washington office shape 15 “___ my day!’’ 16 “... bombs bursting ___” 17 Boring routines 18 You might bounce it off someone 19 Quinine flavored drink 20 Righteous Brothers’ musical style 23 Wheat spike 24 Forty winks 25 Where some bad ideas look good 29 “Don’t ___ on me’’ 31 They may be put on pedestals 33 “Mogambo’’ actress Gardner 34 “A Visit from St. Nicholas’’ poet 36 Words of concurrence 39 1967 Van Morrison hit 42 Geneva’s country, to the French 43 Delightful spots 44 Yule figure 45 Roughly speaking 47 Rand McNally offering

51 Little Rascal with spiked hair 54 Aerialist’s safeguard 56 Strapped on the feed bag 57 Popular Southern vegetable 60 Bird’s name in Disney’s “Peter and the Wolf’’ 63 “Night’’ author Wiesel 64 Washington in Paris, e.g. 65 Chinese green tea 66 Bit of real estate brokerese 67 Wine bouquet 68 Type of turf 69 Portrait subject? 70 Barreled along DOWN 1 Cool dessert 2 Relating to egg cells 3 Mother who can’t be fooled 4 “Will there be anything ___?’’ 5 Former city of Honshu 6 Removed ﬂaws from 7 ___ out a living (scraped by) 8 Think logically 9 Partner of “take notice’’ 10 ___ Gay (famous warplane) 11 PC-to-PC system 12 DI doubled 13 ___ de Triomphe 21 Provides with capital 22 Like some football kicks

26 Last of Henry VIII’s Catherines 27 Big name in daredeviltry 28 ___ Dawn Chong of “Quest for Fire’’ 30 Old radio title character 32 Juan Carlos and similar Spanish royalty 35 Words with “kind’’ 37 Paternal relative 38 Essential meaning 39 It may be mechanical in a bar 40 Jazz accompaniment 41 “Married With Children’’ co-star 42 Where to ﬁnd good schools? 46 Indy entrants 48 Computer for a commuter 49 Welcome order to a soldier 50 Like passengers during takeoff 52 Apt rhyme for “deplore” 53 Southwestern grassland 55 “___ newt and toe of frog’’ 58 “Twittering Machine’’ painter Paul 59 Wilderness dwellings 60 Nostalgic vocal group ___ Na Na

61 Shakespearean laments 62 Atlantic crosser of old

Square and Cone

By Andrew Peck and Andrew Dambeck dambeck@wisc.edu

sports

dailycardinal.com/sports

review from page 8 Nov. 11, scoring 25 points on 9of-17 shooting. He followed that up with 21 points against Savannah State, 15 against Florida A&M and 18 against Colorado, and was named tournament MVP in the America’s Youth Classic hosted by UW in November. Duked by the Blue Devils Badger fans saw the first indication that Hughes was not going to be an instant star when Wisconsin traveled to Duke and suffered a 82-58 loss. The sophomore still managed 12 points but made only 4-of-13 shots and turned the ball over three times in 26 minutes of play. It was a wake-up call for a team that cruised to a 5-0 start before the trip to Durham. Shot of the year After a setback at home to Marquette Dec. 8 and three more wins, UW traveled to Texas to ﬁnish off the non-conference schedule. The unranked Badgers were going up against the No. 9 Longhorns and, to make matters worse, they lost Hughes to an ankle injury the night before the game. Little did they know that this

tennis from page 8 for the Badgers. Dierberger also won in singles, downing Illinois’ Davis 6-2, 6-0 at the No. 6 singles slot. On Saturday, the Badgers captured five of six singles matches in a solid 6-1 victory over the Boilermakers (3-1, 10-6). After taking the opening doubles point, UW lost just one match in singles play. Sophomore Moritz Baumann, Polley, Michalicka, Sonkin and Dierberger all tallied victories for the Badgers. The Badgers hit the road this weekend to face No. 44 Indiana on Saturday, followed by a showdown with No. 2 Ohio State on Sunday

turris from page 8 However, Turris struggled in the beginning of the WCHA season, as teams focused its defenses on containing the freshman. He failed to score a goal in his ﬁrst nine conference games. That changed on Dec. 1, when Turris tallied a game-tying goal against St. Cloud State in the third period of an eventual 4-3 victory. This helped Wisconsin garner its only conference sweep of the 2007-’08 season. He missed four games in late December and early January when

cinderella from page 8 hoop to set up easy baskets. Instead, Wisconsin panicked, and at times during the second half, the Badgers looked like they were shooting in a timed 3-point contest. Davidson double-teamed Wisconsin’s post players when they received the ball, but none of the Badgers on the weak side cut to the hoop when the double came. Frequently the post players struggled just to pass the ball back out to the guards. The Badgers did eventually get to the free throw line, but they made only two-thirds of their attempts. To be fair, Wisconsin had an unbelievable season—the best in school history and one that produced a Big Ten regular season title, a Big Ten

Saturday matinée was going to be the defining game in a season no one was expecting. Trailing by three in the final minute, Marcus Landry hit a turnaround jumper on the baseline to cut the deficit to one. After A.J. Abrams made 1-of-2 free throws, Flowers came off a Brian Butch screen and hit a 3-pointer that jumpstarted an unlikely, recordbreaking season. Did he call it? If Flowers jumpstarted the season, then Butch probably saved it—at least from a Big Ten title standpoint. Just days after falling to Purdue for the second time on the year, UW traveled to Indiana Feb. 13 needing a win badly to salvage its chances at a conference title. Down 66-65 with 12 seconds left, Butch found himself with the ball after UW inbounded it. He briefly looked to pass and then threw up a deep three from the left wing that kissed off the glass and fell in. When Jamarcus Ellis’ three at the buzzer fell short, the Badgers found themselves right back in the middle of the Big Ten race and Indiana found itself in the middle of a recruiting scandal that cost head coach Kelvin Sampson his job, and the Hoosiers its season. Butch might not have called “glass” but his shot sent two teams in two

different directions. Senior night and so much more The Indiana win turned out to be the first of five in a row as Wisconsin played its last game of the season in the Kohl Center against Penn State on Senior Night Feb. 5. With Ohio State’s upset over Purdue the night before, the Badgers knew that a win over the Nittany Lions meant at least a share of the Big Ten title. They showed absolutely no signs of jitters and crushed Penn State 77-41 as the students rushed the court to celebrate UW’s first conference title since 2003. All four seniors were hoisted on the shoulders of the mob and the Badgers made it an outright title just three days later, beating Northwestern 65-52 in Evanston, Ill. An up-and-down finish Wisconsin took its seven-game win streak to Indianapolis and made it a 10-game streak as it won the Big Ten Tournament. The weekend included a 12-point comeback against Michigan State in the semifinals before topping Illinois in the championship. Expecting to be rewarded with a No. 2 seed in the NCAA Tournament, Wisconsin was stuck with a No. 3 seed and knew that it

Women’s squad The UW women’s tennis team dropped a pair of conference road matches this past weekend, following a 6-1 defeat at Illinois Saturday with a close 4-3 loss at Purdue on Sunday afternoon. On Sunday, the Badgers (0-5, 7-10) dropped the opening doubles point and half of their singles matches to the Boilermakers. UW seniors Morgan Tuttle and Chelsea Nusslock, as well as freshman Jessica Seyferth, all notched singles victories to pace the Badgers. The Boilermakers (1-3, 3-10) took four of the ﬁrst ﬁve points

to clinch the match even with the last two singles matches still in progress. UW was overwhelmed on Saturday by the No. 70 Fighting Illini in singles play. The Badgers’ lone point came via the opening doubles point. The No. 2 duo of Tuttle and freshman Emese Kardhordo took down Leigh Finnigan and Marisa Lambropoulos of Illinois 9-7. Nusslock and sophomore Katya Mirnova won as well, defeating Annie McCarthy and Momei Qu 8-5 at the No. 3 position. Illinois moved to 3-0 in Big Ten play and 7-6 overall. The Badgers return home this weekend to face No. 25 Indiana on Saturday and No. 31 Ohio State on Sunday. —uwbadgers.com contributed to this report.

he participated in the IIHF World U20 Championship in the Czech Republic. Turris led Team Canada in scoring with four goals and four assists en route to the country’s fourthstraight gold medal at the event. Turris qualified for ESPN SportsCenter’s Top 10 Plays of Jan. 25 in his first game against the rival Minnesota Golden Gophers. On a breakaway, Turris was taken down by Gopher freshman defenseman Cade Fairchild, but still managed to backhand the puck past freshman goalie Alex Kangas for the second-period goal.

Last June, when Turris was drafted to play for former NHL great and current Coyotes head coach and partowner Wayne Gretzky, it was understood that Turris’ career in Madison would not span four seasons. The Coyotes, along with NHL scouts, said Turris needed to improve physically and that his time as a Badger would allow him to do so. Gretzky apparently was satisfied enough with Turris’ development to offer him a contract one day after Wisconsin fell in the NCAA Midwest Regional Finals to North Dakota.

Tournament championship and memories Badger fans will not soon forget. It’s easy to nitpick what happened and visualize what could have happened. And I suppose I’m a little upset I’ll be spending this weekend in cloudy Madison instead of sunny San Antonio. But the team that won 31 games and even the team that lost four never came out of the locker room for the second half Friday. Both the offensive spark and the defensive tenacity that endeared this “team without a star” to UW fans were gone. Less than two weeks earlier, Wisconsin had found itself trailing Michigan State 53-41 with only 8:16 remaining in the quarterﬁnals of the Big Ten Tournament. Time and time again, the Badgers passed the ball into the post, causing four Spartans to foul

out and allowing UW to climb back into the game. Wisconsin won 65-63. Yet, Friday when they trailed 57-45 with more than 12 minutes to play, the Badgers looked defeated. Every time they walked off the ﬂoor during a timeout or a commercial break their expressions seemed to say, “This one’s over.” And the moment UW lost that mental edge, it was, in fact, over. The Wildcats are a great basketball team. They had a remarkable tournament and played like a squad destined for the Final Four. But they were not “Cinderellas.” After watching them break the Badgers’ spirits, “evil step-sisters” sounds more appropriate. If you would like to discuss your favorite Disney characters with Ryan, e-mail him at reszel@dailycardinal.com.

in Columbus, Ohio. The Buckeyes have just one loss and are unbeaten in Big Ten dual matches.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

BRAD FEDIE/CARDINAL FILE PHOTO

Junior forward/guard Joe Krabbenhoft will be one of many players expected to ﬁll the shoes of defensive specialist Michael Flowers next season. would face either USC’s O.J. Mayo or Kansas State’s Michael Beasley in the second round. It turned out to be Beasley, but in one of the team’s best performances of the year, the Badgers dispatched the Wildcats easily with a 72-55 win. With Davidson upsetting Georgetown a day later, it looked like UW’s road to the Final Four got a little bit easier, but in the

most surprising loss of the season Davidson outscored Wisconsin 3720 in the second half en-route to a 73-56 win. It was the ﬁrst time the Badgers were outplayed that badly since the Duke loss in the November. The loss was disappointing but the reality is that the 2007’08 Badgers won 31-games, a school record, a Big Ten title and a Big Ten Tournament title.

sports Kyle Turris signs with Phoenix 8

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

By Eric Levine

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RYAN RESZEL high reszel-ution

THE DAILY CARDINAL

UW men’s hockey leading scorer freshman forward Kyle Turris, as expected, signed with the NHL’s Phoenix Coyotes Monday, foregoing his remaining three years of eligibility. He is expected to play in the Coyotes’ final three regular season games beginning Thursday against the Dallas Stars. Turris, the No. 3 overall pick in the 2007 NHL Entry Draft, scored 35 points for the Badgers in his only season in Madison. His career began impressively as a Badger, scoring a goal in his first game Oct. 12 in a 4-1 win over eventual Frozen Four participant Notre Dame. The freshman wowed the Kohl Center crowd in his first series in Madison Oct. 19 to 20, notching three goals and five assists against Robert Morris. Turris showed signs of greatness throughout the series, including a slap-shot goal with three seconds remaining in the second period against the Colonials in the home opener. turris page 7

“Cinderella” doesn’t apply to Davidson

KYLE BURSAW/CARDINAL FILE PHOTO

Freshman forward Kyle Turris led Wisconsin this season with 35 points. Although some fans thought he would stay at UW, Turris has decided to move on to the NHL.

Men’s basketball season tainted by NCAA defeat By Adam Hoge THE DAILY CARDINAL

For the second straight season the UW men’s basketball team exited the NCAA Tournament prematurely after losing to a lower-seeded team. But all the team accomplished this season was not lost in the disappointed and depressed UW locker room at Ford Field in Detroit. From game-winning shots, to bank shots, to Big Ten titles, here’s a look back on the winningest season in Wisconsin basketball history:

BRAD FEDIE/THE DAILY CARDINAL

Senior forward Brian Butch set school records in wins his ﬁnal two seasons at UW, but was unable to make the Elite Eight either year.

Questions from the start The obvious question before the season was how the Badgers were going to replace departed seniors Alando Tucker, Kammron Taylor and Jason Chappell, who accounted for 52 percent of the team’s scoring the year before. The question

no one was expecting to answer early in the year was: Will senior Michael Flowers play? Flowers, UW’s top returning defender, took a mysterious leave of absence at the beginning of the season and there was no indication whether or not he would return to the team. But he returned just as mysteriously as he left, appearing at practice before the team’s season opener against IPFW. He came off the bench in UW’s first seven games before returning to the starting lineup permanently against Marquette on Dec. 8. Hughes hot early No one really knew who the team’s leading scorer would be entering this season, but sophomore Trevon Hughes tried to be the answer to that question in the season opener against IPFW review page 7

UW men’s tennis downs two ranked opponents at home By Chris Lindeke THE DAILY CARDINAL

The No. 45 UW men’s tennis team knocked off two ranked Big Ten opponents en-route to an undefeated weekend at Nielsen Tennis Stadium. The Badgers (4-1 Big Ten, 127 overall) defeated No. 66 Purdue on Saturday 6-1, and followed it up with a 5-2 upset victory over No. 16 Illinois on Sunday. In the win over the Fighting Illini (3-1, 10-6), UW senior Nolan Polley clinched the match with a 3-6, 6-4, 6-4 triumph over Illinois’ Ruben Gonzales, the nation’s 80th-ranked player, at No. 2 singles. Polley, ranked No. 99 in the country, moved to 13-3 on the year in singles play and is unbeaten in conference play. Two players in their first season with the Badgers also captured singles wins. At No. 3 singles,

freshman Marek Michalicka continued his stellar play by cruising to a 6-4, 6-2 over Billy Heiser of the Fighting Illini. He has won 16 of 17 matches this season. Sophomore Luke Rassow-Kantor, a transfer from Georgia Tech, defeated Waylon Chin in a thrilling 2-6, 7-6 (5), 7-6 (4) match at the No. 5 slot. The Badgers took the momentum early by winning two of three doubles matches to notch the opening doubles point. RassowKantor and sophomore Michael Dierberger capped the point for UW at the No. 2 spot with an 8-6 upset victory over the No. 32 duo of Gonzales and Brandon Davis. Michalicka and senior Jeremy Sonkin took down Connor Roth and Marc Spicijaric 8-5 at the No. 3 position to start the scoring tennis page 7

ISABEL ALVAREZ/THE DAILY CARDINAL

Freshman Marek Michalicka continued his success Sunday and won his 16th game in 17 attempts.

avidson didn’t use pixie dust. The only Cinderella I know lives inside a castle at Disney World, and judging from her choice in footwear, I don’t think she would be successful on a basketball court. It may have looked like the Davidson Wildcats had a fairy godmother watching over them with the way they played in their 73-56 victory over Wisconsin at Ford Field Friday in Detroit. But in reality, there was nothing magical about the whipping the No. 10 seed gave the No. 3 seed in their Midwest Regional Semifinal. For 40 minutes (especially in the final 20), Davidson out-hustled, outworked and yes, even out-coached a Wisconsin squad that had built a reputation for its mental and physical toughness. If Davidson was Cinderella, then the Badgers looked like Sleeping Beauties in the second half. Their defensive intensity disappeared. Their ability to establish an inside post presence vanished. And faster than you can say “alakazam” their season was over. Not stopping the Wildcats’ Stephen Curry was excusable. Michael Flowers spent the entire evening inside the sophomore guard’s back pocket, and he still scored 33 points. The injury to Trevon Hughes also hurt Wisconsin’s ability to handle Davidson’s half-court ball pressure. What’s upsetting about the loss is how the Badgers failed to follow the fundamentals that got them to the Sweet 16. Both Kansas State and Cal State Fullerton tried to push the ball up the court against the supposedly slower Badgers, and found little success against Wisconsin’s transition defense. A week later, Davidson out-scored UW 18-2 on fast-break points. Several of the Wildcats’ quick strikes came after careless Wisconsin turnovers in the open court, but some occurred after Badger baskets. Seven seconds after Jason Bohannon made a layup to cut Davidson’s lead to 16-15 with 10:38 left in the first half, the Wildcats’ Thomas Sander raced ahead of the pack and countered with a layup of his own. Joe Krabbenhoft gave Wisconsin a 35-33 lead late in the half, but in five seconds, the margin was erased. Davidson point guard Jason Richards caught an inbound pass in the backcourt and fired a long pass to guard Bryant Barr as he set up along the left wing. Without a dribble, Barr was airborne, and his 3-pointer gave the Wildcats a 36-35 lead with 1:32 remaining in the half. Wisconsin would not lead again. If a player makes a great steal or a shot with a hand in his face, there’s not much an opponent can do. But, as Krabbenhoft said after defeating Kansas State, getting back on defense “is rule No. 1.” The Badgers did a poor job following that rule against Davidson. Offensively, the Badgers did not utilize their strengths like repeatedly passing the ball into the low post, making free throws and driving hard to the cinderella page 7

artz

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Man with acoustic guitar heralds end of house party

The anticipated sequel to James Mangold’s “3:10 to Yuma” starts production in Madison this week. Mangold said he’s convinced the project will succeed, thanks to a recent fortune cookie, encouraging him to “Go for it.”

History inspires ‘3:10 to Yummy Buffet’ shoot When Director James Mangold set out to make a sequel to his 2007 western “3:10 to Yuma,” he had a specific setting in mind. “Many westerns, mine included, focus so heavily on the standard tropes, sprawling vistas, rowdy saloons, lawless boomtowns, etc.,” Mangold said in a Daily Cardinal interview. “For this sequel, I want to depict the Old West more as it really was: born out of all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets.” “But I didn’t want to depict just any old frontier Chinese buffet: I needed one so wild that it also serves pizza,” Mangold said. And that is what led Mangold to shoot in Madison for his new film, “3:10 to Yummy Buffet.” Much like Michael Mann recently shooting “Public Enemies” in nearby Columbus’ courthouse, the Madison shoot was motivated by a desire for onlocation realism. “I’m sure James could have created this setting in a studio or

with computer trickery,” “3:10 to Yummy Buffet” star Russell Crowe said while on-set and enjoying a traditional green jello cube. “But he knows that, as an actor, there’s no substitute for being in exactly the spot the kind of blokes we’re playing would have been.”

The buffet hasn’t changed much since it was built by Chinese railroad laborers in 1947.

The Buffet hasn’t changed much since it was built by Chinese railroad laborers in 1847. Those founders longed for a taste of traditional Chinese cuisine, like the buttermilk biscuits it continues to serve today. “3:10 to Yummy Buffet” takes place a few years after the events

of the ﬁrst ﬁlm, after Ben Wade (Crowe) has broken out of Yuma prison and headed to the American sin capital, Madison, Wis. Rancher Dan Evans (Christian Bale) is once again hired to track Wade down and deliver him into the Buffet right as the egg-drop soup ferments into poison—an event that has happened at exactly 3:10 p.m. throughout the Buffet’s existence. Mangold says while the Buffet is clearly the film’s focal point, he also intends to make use of Madison’s numerous well-preserved landmarks from its frontier history. “We completely rewrote parts of the script to fit this amazing location. I mean, how could we pass up depicting the legendary Gunfight at Rising Sons Deli?” “3:10 to Yummy Buffet” will wrap principal photography next week, at which point Paul Thomas Anderson will arrive in Madison to begin shooting his new film, “There Will Be Blued Velvet Lounge.”

Jackson to star in ‘Badgers on a Bus’ ‘Snakes on a plane’ will pale in comparison, industry observers say Film star Samuel L. Jackson announced plans yesterday to direct, star and produce a new movie in Madison entitled “Badgers on a Bus.” In what is being called the spiritual successor to “Snakes on a Plane,” Jackson plans to shoot on location at UW-Madison, which has many students and retailers excited. “I haven’t been this pumped since they released the director’s cut of ‘Deep Blue Sea,’” gushed UW-Madison sophomore and Jackson aficionado Jon Spike. When asked to comment, Jackson spoke passionately about the project. “Well, I had been trying to move away from the nonsense of ‘Snakes on a Plane’ by concentrating on more seri-

ous roles, like ‘Pootie Tang 2’ and ‘You Got Served: Mission to Mars,’ but this movie was just meant to be, Jackson said. The idea for “Badgers” originated while Jackson was working on the film “Ninja Babysitters.” While relieving himself in the woods, Jackson inadvertently urinated in a mother badger’s den, causing the irate badger to bite his ankle in retaliation. “That’s when I knew this movie had to be made,” Jackson said, who envisions ‘Badgers’ as being a hybrid between “Speed” and “Strange Wilderness.” To make the movie as authentic as possible, Jackson plans to hold an open casting call for Badger Bus employees to fill the role of the bus driver. Some, including veteran driver Danny Marchewka, see this as a golden opportunity. “I was a theatre major in college, so I think the stars have

really aligned for me. Plus, I can show Sam my screenplay!” Marchewka said, who mentioned his role in “Sweeney Todd” as “Man in Crowd Number 5” gave him the dramatic experience he needed to land the role. Marchewka is not the only one with Hollywood aspirations, however. Chancellor John Wiley was reportedly seen pacing back and forth muttering quotes from “Pulp Fiction” under his breath, no doubt an attempt to curry the favor of Jackson to land a leading role. “He could have made ‘Gophers on a Go-Kart’ or ‘Hoosiers on a Hummer’, but the esteemed Samuel L. Jackson has chosen our university and we are very honored,” Wiley said, who insisted at the press conference reporters call him “Jonathan L. Wiley,” and left no doubt that Madison now has Samuel L. Jackson fever.

Revelers at a house party at 457 W. Mifflin St. were informed of the party’s impending close by the appearance of a man with an acoustic guitar at approximately 2 a.m., Sunday, March 30. The man, identified as Mitchell Harbrook, a UW-Madison senior and friend of party host Sam Koonen, proceeded to play through a set of popular and alternative hits spanning the last several decades of rock ’n’ roll history in a performance that coincided with the emptying of the house’s full-size keg and a general exodus of guests. Harbrook’s set began shortly after he emerged from Koonen’s bedroom, where he had extracted the guitar from a pile of neglected personal affects and tuned the instrument in secret. Harbrook initially failed to draw the attention of party guests, first attempting to secure a seat on the crowded sofa next to UW-Eau Claire sophomore Susan Dufresne, before taking up position sitting cross-legged on the living room floor. “Everyone was still pretty talkative at that point, so I didn’t really notice [Harbrook] until he

was most of the way through “Wonderwall,” Dufresne said. “I think he might have been trying to get us to sing along, because he repeated the last chorus like seven or eight times, which didn’t seem right.” Harbrook eventually brought the 1995 Oasis hit to a close, by which point several seats on the sofa had become open, allowing him to relocate. Guests who remained in the living room were then treated to a rendition of the Pixies’ “Where is my Mind?,” with an unidentified man joining in on the high parts while on his way to the bathroom. This was followed by an extended intermission, during which Harbrook mulled over his repertoire while repeatedly striking the guitar with the palm of his hand. Almost all of the remaining party guests vacated within the next 20 minutes, but reports indicate that further highlights of Harbrook’s performance included a duet with Koonen on the Beatles’ “I’m Only Sleeping” that ended in a dispute over the correct lyrics and an abortive, 37-second version of Lou Reed’s “Walk on the Wild Side.”

It may have taken 12 minutes of tuning, but Mitchell Halbrook ﬁnally hit his stride last night during a rousing eighth chorus of “Wonderwall.”

‘World of Warcraft’ session re-enacted for girlfriend’s beneﬁt In a series of violent gesticulations, dramatic leaps and one incident in which a coffee table was accidentally overturned, UW Junior Stanley Geils re-enacted more than 20 selected highlights from his most recent “World of Warcraft” session for the benefit of his girlfriend, UW Sophomore Jennifer Tierney. Although Geils appeared dazed and unfocused when Tierney attempted to engage him in any other topic of conversation, the 21-year-old student demonstrated remarkable mental clarity when describing the exploits of his

in-game avatar, a level-70 Elf Mage named Galalariand. Geils’ retelling of a successful raiding party, which lasted for nearly 28 minutes and caused the couple to miss the last showtime of “Run, Fat Boy, Run,” had been pared down from a hour-long version that Geils admitted had included “unnecessary ﬁller material.” Throughout the recitation, Tierney remained impassive, first returning several text messages and then mentally compiling an equally detailed list of Geils’ failures as a boyfriend and human being, to be delivered at a later date.

sportz Bielema’s girlfriend tired of 1-0 mantra OOLS!

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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Romance leaves when everything is a win or a loss Two-thousand eight has not been a year to remember thus far for Wisconsin head football coach Bret Bielema. The Badgers lost to Tennessee 21-17 in the Outback Bowl on New Year’s Day. His offensive line coach left the team to take over the same position at UCLA shortly afterward. And several players have gone down with injuries during spring practices. Throughout all of these difficulties, Bielema’s girlfriend has remained by his side, publicly supporting him in front of Madison’s overly critical press corps. Yet that changed Monday when even Bielema’s girlfriend gave an impromptu press conference at the McClain Center, chastising the head coach for his overbearing 1-0 philosophy. “At first it was cute,” Bielema’s girlfriend said. “He’d say things like, ‘Have a 1-0 day today, honey,’ or ‘Wow, that’s a 1-0 hair style.’ “But now everything has changed,” she continued. “Now he says, ‘That wasn’t a 1-0 kiss,’ ‘What the hell? My last girlfriend

Eaves rushed to hospital after being triple-dog-dared to lick ice by players Following Sunday’s overtime loss to North Dakota in the Midwest Regional Finals, Wisconsin head coach Mike Eaves’ tongue became stuck on the ice after he licked the NCAA logo on the Kohl Center ice in an attempt to thank the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee for giving his sub-.500 team a second life. Eaves’ young, immature team (17 underclassmen) suggested the coach should perform the act after the game if they lost in order to lighten the mood. Eaves followed his 2005-’06 national championship team’s motto of “facing the challenge” and dove onto the ice and licked the NCAA emblem to complete the dare. This led to an interesting scene, as both the Fighting Sioux and the Badgers jumped up in celebration when North Dakota junior forward

Andrew Kozek’s shot went in the net in the extra session. “We really didn’t belong in this tournament in the first place, and the fact that we had everything handed to us, playing at home and all, we figured this would be an appropriate way to thank the NCAA if we lost,” freshman forward Kyle Turris said as he signed an NHL contract with Phoenix Coyotes head coach Wayne Gretzky. Badger men’s hockey athletic trainer Andy Hrodey struggled to pry Eaves from the ice in time for his post-game press conference. “I’d like to thank the N-TheeAA for thelecting uth to partithipate in the tournament,” Eaves struggled to say as blood poured out of his mouth before being taken to the UW Hospital emergency room. “We were able to stop the bleeding immediately, and the coach will be fine. I’ve encouraged him to keep his tongue off of the ice,” doctor and former dog groomer Harry Dunne said. Fighting Sioux players stopped celebrating on the ice and stared in amazement at Eaves. “I didn’t know what he was doing. I’m glad the Badgers are happy that their coach acts like a 12-year-old, but I’ll take the Frozen Four berth,” Kozek said. This was not the first time Eaves acted out of the ordinary for a 51year-old at the urging of his players in the 2007-’08 campaign. On Jan. 11, he took his shoes off and ran a lap around the ice at the University of Denver’s Magness Arena after his team scored a rare power-play goal. The next day, Eaves disguised himself as WCHA referee Randy Schmidt and officiated a game between the Badgers and the Pioneers. Wisconsin prevailed, 7-2.

knew how to make 1-0 omelets.’ I just can’t take it anymore.” When asked to comment on the turmoil caused by his 1-0 policy, Bielema sounded puzzled. “I really don’t know what’s wrong,” he said. “I took her out to this great 1-0 restaurant on Valentine’s Day. We only go to 10 movies. Heck, I even did a 1-0 job vacuuming the apartment last weekend.” Current and former players had mixed opinions about what their coach’s girlfriend said. “The whole 1-0 thing doesn’t really bother me as a football player,” linebacker DeAndre Levy said. “But if I had to live with the guy, yeah, it’d probably get old pretty quick.” “When I told my girlfriend about going 1-0 she slapped me in the face,” senior quarterback Allan Evridge said. “I think she thought it was some sort of sex position, though.” The most intriguing comments on the issue came from former Badger signal caller Tyler Donovan. “I really don’t know like, how ... you know ... you can live 1-0,” Donovan said. “I suppose you could have 1-0 hair. Yeah, I’d probably say I got 1-0 hair.” Bielema’s girlfriend grew more emotional as she cut to the heart

of the 1-0 debate near the end of her press conference. “Some things just aren’t 1-0,” she said. “When you’re making passionate love with someone it’s not 1-0 love making or 0-1 love making. When you cut the grass you don’t do a 1-0 job or 0-1 job. You just cut the freakin’ grass.” Bielema disagreed. “Everything in life comes down to the principles of 1-0,” he said. “When God made the world, do you think he would be satisfied with a just OK world? No. He made a 1-0 world. And I’m not going to be satisfied until I have a 1-0 football team, a 1-0 haircut and a 1-0 girlfriend.” When asked how he felt about the subject Bo Ryan did not hesitate to say exactly how he felt in the most roundabout way possible. “1-0, naw, I don’t really buy that,” Ryan said. “Is that some weird voodoo? No, I don’t know, I heard that CCR song on the way here. What’s it called? “Born on the Bayou” Isn’t that song about voodoo? No? “Well, I don’t know, I mean I do the same things all the time so I guess you could say I live by a 1-0 philosophy. But there was this guy back in Chester, Pa. We used to call him 1-0 Lewis. Well one day 1-0 Lewis hit this jump shot...”

Swanns of a feather seem to flock together According to numerous sources, preliminary lab results have connected the DNA of Hall of Fame wide receiver and Pennsylvania gubernatorial nominee Lynn Swann with former Badgers wide receiver Luke Swan. The initial report from the Associated Press said the investigation into the Swan/Swann biological connection began with loose speculations concerning Swan’s eerily similar playing ability to the NFL All-Pro—most notably his uncanny field awareness and the ability to catch passes in traffic. According to ABC Television records, Swann and the Monday Night Football crew made a pit stop in Swan’s hometown of Fennimore, Wis., en route to a football game in Dallas Christmas weekend of 1983. Considering the normal nine-month human gestation period, Swan, who was born on Sep. 5, 1984, in all likelihood was conceived during the time period Swann was visiting the town. “What the hell is everyone talking about?” a very distressed Swan said after learning of the rumor. “I mean, I was fine when this stuff started off as playful blog banter, kind of flattered by the whole thing actually. But now I’m starting to believe these guys and it’s tearing my family apart.” Swann has yet to deny accusations of the connection, saying in a Feb. 27 report in the Philadelphia Inquirer that the early years after his playing career were an “experimental time.” “Let me put it this way: I planted more seeds in one week in 1983 than Greenpeace did the entire decade,” Swann said. “I had a running total going with ‘Mean’ Joe Green, and last I checked, that fatass couldn’t even

stand in the same room with me on that subject.” Swan held a teleconference the following week with multiple news outlets, including The Daily Cardinal, to discuss Swann’s comments. Swan said Swann’s response to the accusations was “heartless” and not something he would expect from a “father-to-be.” “Look, I can’t dispute the fact that Lynn was hot stuff as a sideline reporter, that’s completely out of my jurisdiction,” Swan said. “But any respect I had for the man just ﬂew out the window. ‘More seeds than Greenpeace?’ Who does this guy think he is, Rico Suave or something?” The bevy of accusations prompted a scientiﬁc investigation squad called “Luke: Who is your father?” to assemble and

take action. Joyce Maddock, chief investigative scientist for “Luke:”, said the project had a few bumps in the road early on, but she was pleased with the results. “Take away all of the major physical characteristics—height, weight, body composition, posture, voice, the ability to grow facial hair, skin color—and they’re basically the same person,” Maddock said. “True, this project was founded on the basis of an absurd inside joke, but seeing this sort of evidence is enough to make me a believer.” While the results are still inconclusive, Swan said he’s ready to start believing the accusations. “I mean, ﬁne, we might be related. But I did ﬁnd it strange they required seven stool samples to run the DNA test,” Swan said.