PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT “FRAMILY” “Framily” and Happiness “Family does not necessarily mean blood relatives but often a description of a community, organization or nation.” – Queen Elizabeth II **This article contains sensitive content about Family Estrangement. The opinions expressed within are solely mine and do not reflect the opinions and beliefs of the magazine or its affiliates.** When I read the email from Roger (our beloved Publisher), telling us the theme of the next issue of the ELP was “Family” my first reaction was….Ugh! How am I going to write about that? And then I gave it some more thought. Family isn’t defined only by last names or by blood; it’s defined by commitment and by love from the people standing beside you when no one else will. Family is anyone who loves you unconditionally. I came across a term called “framily”. The term is a portmanteau (blend – I had to look that up) of friends and family, thus signifying when the two became one in the same. After many years of living amidst a dysfunctional family dynamic, I eventually estranged myself from my parents and one of my younger siblings. I could not go on ignoring my consciousness of our intolerable situation. I lived in an unhealthy family for more than 40 years. Most people cannot understand why anyone would choose to stop all contact with their parents. The people who provided food, clothes, and shelter, school and university tuition, or volunteered at school don’t deserve to be abandoned in their old age just because they made some parenting mistakes, right? I am one of those people who recognized slowly what was happening to me. I didn’t make the choice to “break up” with my parents overnight, and I’m not happy I have no relationship with them. I’m sad my family is broken. I wish it was different, but it isn’t. If my parents had been willing to really listen to what their adult child had to say, to respect and consider it, the outcome would have been entirely different. Yet as I’ve learned in my journey to understand and heal, I am not alone. Thread after thread of internet discussions are filled with the stories of people who’ve made multiple attempts to repair unhealthy relations and have eventually disowned or gone nocontact with the people who raised them. I tried discussing the matter, I tried many ways to rectify the situation, but every time I was met with anger and resistance. Walking away is often the only way to make sure the cycle doesn’t continue. That said, people don’t just walk away from families that are healthy. All families have their issues, but functional families talk about them, try to understand one another’s perspectives, apologize for any hurt they’ve caused or wrong they’ve done, and truly
move forward, beyond all that suppressed anger and resentment. Contrary to what they think, I didn’t estrange from them to punish them, I did so to protect myself. I know I made the right decision. I’m not happy about it but I’m relieved it’s over. It is what I had to do to survive; it was self-preservation. I had to begin a new life – one designed for healthy living. I was determined to create a happier life for myself. People who know me struggled to understand how I could do something like this. So selfish. It’s family, you can’t do that. But at the end of the day, I have found peace, and happiness, and continue to build a new family! I understand and believe this to be the truth: the vast majority of parents do try their best to be good parents. For the minority, they may well have been disinterested or incapable, and other factors could have impacted on their capacity to be a parent. Furthermore, most parenting comes as a product of generational conditions. Their own upbringing will always have an influence. That is another article entirely. They do the best they can with the resources they have. My intention isn’t to condemn my parents. They did the best they could and I won’t ever deny the good they did. They loved me and used the skills they had, but they also made choices. Some of those choices involved getting their own way or fulfilling their own desires, regardless of how much I “fought” them. It’s not relationships, but healthy relationships, that are the vital ingredient for happiness. We often fall into the trap of hanging on to unhealthy relationships because they are familiar. Take responsibility for your life and you’ll be taking responsibility for your happiness. Know when to walk away: - Your wellbeing is suffering - You can’t see a possible solution by continuing - You’re staying with it more through fear, obligation and duty Walking away is never easy, but if it’s affecting your long-term happiness, then the decision may have been made for you. Friends are the family you choose. How fortunate I am to have found happiness. For now, signing off from a place of calm, joy, and love.
AMANDA KIRKLAND
Personal Development Coach www.amandakirkland.com If any of this resonated with you, know you are NOT alone. If you are interested in making positive changes in your life, to move forward and live a whole and complete life, let’s book an initial consultation call. Tell me about your story and we can assess your goals and what’s blocking you from living the life you were meant to. Change is really possible.
