Satire: J-Lot chaos

Satire

MISSION: J-LOT

How to drive like a true Highlander in the J-Lot

MADIE TURLEY A&E EDITOR

Arriving at school and looking for a parking spot? You’re in luck. The J-Lot is already packed and begging for more student drivers. Whether you’re looking for a tight squeeze or a state-of-the-art fender bender, you’ve found your place. New to the setting? Not to worry. Here’s a full guide on how to navigate the J-Lot like any other just-licensed McLean High Schooler.

Step one: Go back to your roots.

Ever wonder why you are still obliged to take the FitnessGram PACER Test? Picture this: a packed line of sweaty high schoolers trying not to miss the timer’s beep. Now, replace that beep for a bell sound. Perhaps ringing at 2:55? As an upperclassman, this isn’t the PACER anymore, but rather the sprint to the J-Lot. If you’re not out to the lot within 15 seconds, prepare to either lose a side mirror or wait at least an hour to escape.

Step Four: Floor it.

Once you see an opening in that gate, cut off all minivans and other kiss-and-ride parents. If you’re unclear about how quickly you should be accelerating, just Google “G-force.” Don’t look back. Forget all of that “no man left behind” trash. This is life or death. If you come at least a foot away from almost running over a student, you’re on the right track. Exiting the J-Lot takes absolute priority. It’s not like other people have places to be!

Step two: Throw all morals out the window.

Patience? Never heard of it. Once you enter your car, you are on a mission. In the J-Lot, the only pedal you should be concerned about is the gas. Don’t worry about hitting those other silly drivers, that’s just part of the initiation process. When backing out, disregard that loud and annoying beeping sound coming from your car—it’s nothing urgent.

Step Three: Learn the Lingo.

Don’t be afraid to toss around some degrading remarks at your fellow classmates. Whether it’s a friendly hand motion or an even friendlier shout, any effort is appreciated. Even if they’re doing nothing wrong, there’s no shame in a couple innocent insults.

Step Five: Complain.

Make sure to tell all your peers about how horrible the parking lot has become. How could McLean allow this chaos? Everyone else driving in the lot has absolutely no road etiquette. File a complaint to the administration as if they can do anything about your horrible driving—just don’t mention the car you hit yesterday. It’s not like you’re the problem.

Step Six: Celebration.

Congratulations! You’ve made it out of the J-Lot and successfully forgotten all of Driver’s Ed. Assess the damage and start getting excited for tomorrow morning, when you can park between two spaces again.