HUMOR Davis is the perfect summer vacation spot if you’re an imp from the underworld

Good morning design majors! I hope all your dreams come true <3

CHRISTINA LIU / AGGIE

“Summer vacation destination” isn’t usually the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of Davis, CA. Most people get out of the Central Valley during the hotter months, visiting family, taking a trip to the Bay Area or perhaps even traveling below the equator. But for immortal beings damned for their sin, Davis is the perfect location for a summer getaway.

“It’s a really nice way to transition from the flames of the depths, as it’s not too much cooler,” Barbas, a minion of the underworld, said. “If we were to vacation in San Francisco, for example, I think we would just shrivel up.” for the residents of Davis.

As many of us well know, Davis is something of a hellscape during the summer. From around 5 a.m.-10 p.m., it feels like you’re turning into a puddle, which makes the small college town a perfect place for the gathering of the servants of the Father of Lies.

BY ANNABEL MARSHALL almarshall@ucdavis.edu

Like winter quarter, this list goes from okay to terrible to worse.

Atmospheric Science : I love weatherpeople. 10/10

Physics (B.A.): Absolutely blows my mind that you can get a bachelor of arts in physics. Rails my brain. Slurps my gyri.

Animal Science: Cute.

Plant Science: Cuter.

Entomology: No longer cute.

International Relations: Half the nicest people I’ve ever met and half people I wouldn’t trust to negotiate my lunch order.

American Studies: Hilarious. What does this mean?

Global Disease Biology: To the classes of 2025 onward: I’m so glad I didn’t have to read your college essay about COVID.

Art History: Exactly what I would study if I were a nepotism baby.

Environmental Engineering: Honest to Jebus, cannot remember if this one actually exists. Seems like something we would have.

Wildlife, Fish and Conservation Biology: Amazed by the implication that fish are not wildlife.

Neurobiology, Physiology and Behavior: How does it feel to have to use two to three sentences to explain your major to everyone you meet? Shut up.

Human Biology: I’ve met four human bio majors and none of them can explain to me why this major exists.

Aviary Sciences: I don’t trust anyone who makes birds their personality. You are defending a sentient weapon that works for the Devil, who is not a nice guy.

Classics: Just tell me what the plan is. I actually want to know.

English, Creative Emphasis: Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re good at writing poetry. For you. For me, it does.

English, Lit & Crit Emphasis: Just because you’re a non-confrontational straight man does not mean women want to sleep with you. They want to sleep with me ‘cause my poetry is so good.

Data Science: Boo. All science has data, idiot.

Material Science: We have to stop with this trend of just putting “Science” after a word and pretending it’s a career path.

Cognitive Science: See above.

Political Science: See above. Plus, this one is definitely not a science.

Food Science: See above above. Also, there is no way we need both Food Science and Nutrition.

Civil Engineering: A great way to tell people that your parents bought you too many LEGOs as a child or that you are pursuing a passionless career in the pathetic hopes of a stable future. I’m not using any bridge built by a civil engineer who graduated during the pandemic. And if building bridges is not what a civil engineer does, please, do not tell me. I do not care.

Education: Technically a minor. Whatever. How are some of you people so mean? Don’t you want to work with children? What is going on? Your pink hair is not distracting me from your disappointing personality.

Landscape Architecture: I’m just mad that no one offered this as a career option to me when I was 11. I was told to choose between doctor, lawyer, pop idol, teacher or stripper. Where was “greenery stylist?”

Philosophy: Be a nicer person. Stop making your friend’s birthday party about existentialism and glaring failures in the U.S. legal system.

Who I’d beat in a fight: UCD edition

Not literally, just metaphysically

BY CARMEL RAVIV craviv@ucdavis.edu

To be honest, I’ve been hitting the gym a lot lately and just PR’d on bench press (35 lbs), so I feel confident in my ability to take out my frustrations and show off my two months of Krav Maga practice. I’ve been eating a lot of butternut squash tacos at the DC too, and my protein intake is the highest it’s ever been. Therefore, I’ve made a list of people I feel confident I could take on in a fight in the University of California, Davis vicinity.

1. The Egghead in front of the library

2. 15 squirrels (at once)

3. ChatGPT (verbal argument)

4. A frat brother working security (they have a 20% blood alcohol level)

5. Two turkeys (at once)

6. My RA

JOANNE SUN / AGGIE

7. David Dobrik (he has no affiliation with UC Davis, he just has a stupid face)

8. Any electric scooter owner

9. Anyone from Cuarto

10. The people working the desk at the ARC (they seem low energy so I’d offer them a slurp of my Celsius but they’d get mad and post my ID on the UC Davis Snapchat story)

11. A computer science and engineering (CSE) major (too depressed to fight back)

12. Those lazy freeloaders in the hammocks on the Quad

Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

It turns out that every summer, Satan, Prince of Darkness, takes his coworkers and staff for a week-long vacation in Davis to unwind from all the torturing. Some of their favorite activities include visiting Davis Creamery, seeing the cows and strolling through the Arboretum.

“This is all a part of the new teambuilding initiative the Big Guy Upstairs put into place,” Satan said. “He said that the last report He received from HR reported extremely low morale.” Unfortunately, this isn’t great news

One student, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “Yeah, last summer I was taking some summer session classes that I needed for my major. But halfway through the quarter, I just… stopped showing up to my classes. I became super prideful and envious. I was eating all the time. It’s like I was possessed or something. Maybe it was the heat.”

On the other hand, Chris Bacon, the mayor of Davis, is thankful for the added tourism income for the city. When most of the college students leave for the summer, Davis becomes much less active.

“If [the Demons] want to roam around Davis and inflict unimaginable suffering amongst the locals, I say let them,” Bacon said. “They spend an absurd amount at the Farmers Market.” The California Aggie asked God, King of Kings, for a comment, but received no response.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie.