Body Hear | KATRINA BENEDICTO

Body Heat

fiction by Katrina Benedicto

Her lolo chose to stop dialysis today. Until then he’s been too cold cause all his blood’s in tubes. Now he’s warmer, dying faster. Tonight, she is ectothermic. Yaniel had heat. Yaniel with lashes like a billy goat marionette. He pulls her past the heads doing lines and the swaying drunks and into the bathroom. When the lock clicks “occupied” her hand reaches for the fleshy bit behind her armpit. It stings. It was the secret, special place Ma pinched when she was little whenever she tried to wriggle out of embracing or kissing a relative in family parties. After every gathering, Ma’d bitch on the drive home about having a disrespectful daughter.

But he’d hug me too long

I don’t wanna kiss their cheek

I don’t like it

Ma’d breathe so hot that the car windows would fog up. “I can’t feel,” she said, gnawing her bottom lip, working her teeth with manic speed. “Can you feel?” she bites his lips but he winces and blinks hard, making his goat lashes watery. She goes on, feeling for skin, pushing him against the wall, holding his wrists up so that she can press her nipples against his cold palms. The only sensation she felt was the sting behind her armpit, and it was growing, wrapping around her like a hot metal equator under her shirt. Yaniel gags like he’s trying to keep down vomit as she cups his limp dick. “Sorrysaw reesarry,” he says. “I’m sorry.” She zips him up, careful not to snag his foreskin. The tendrils of her nerves surface to her face again. She can taste blood from her biting, maybe even Yaniel’s.

Then, the sharp pain behind her arm flattens to the dull thrum of a bruise. It spreads. She becomes the bruise. It feels identical to the first time she felt it. It was her lolo’s

sixty-fifth birthday. She sits on his lap, hooks her legs over his bony knees. Everyone in the living room stares at her. The corduroy of his pants hasn’t even imprinted the red ridges on the skin of her underthigh before he shoves her off. “You’re eleven. You can’t do that no more,” her lolo mutters into her ear, “we talked about this.”

They never had.

Fat Femmes, Rise Up!: Interview with Sen M.

Sen M. is an artist & activist based in Oakland, California. Oakland is Ohlone Land

This interview as conducted May 2018. As of August 2020 Sen M. no longer identifies as a femme.

London Pinkney: How are you?

Sen M.I’m good, I’m good. I’m happy tp do this with you. And I’m happy to have it as a

nice break from my day.

LP: Great. So, for the people, tell me a little about yourself.

SM: Ok— my name is Yesenia, but I usually go by Sen. My artist name is Queen Sen

Sen. My pronouns are they/she. Twenty-three years old. Student here at SF State. I’m studying Africana Studies and hoping this is my last semester, or at least last year here.

LP: I hope you make it! You’re an amazing student and brilliant person, from everything

I’ve witness since I’ve met you.

SM: Thank you, thank you! But I’m an artist, a visual artist, a poet. I’m an artivist. An

activist, I guess. And a nonconforming person.

LP: So you called yourself an artivist—how would you define that?

SM: So I define artivist as someone who uses their art and their art platforms for

activist issues. They start the conversation or make a statement about certain political issues that are going on. Me particularly, I feel like a lot of my political statements I

make through art center around fat positivity, around fat bodies, around transgender and nonconforming bodies. I also focus a lot of my art on justice for Black transgender women and for Black women, as well. I strongly believe in paying Black femmes. All the time. For everything!

LP: Link up those PayPal accounts!

SM: Right, right!

LP: No, I feel you. I was actually going to mention that what I love about your art is the

voluptuousness of all the figures you paint. The vibrant colors. It’s very much a celebration. Do you critically think about how you’re going to portray these figures?

SM: Always. I love using bright colors. I love celebration. I love celebrating fat bodies.

And I feel like fat bodies are not celebrated enough. And if they are, they are limited to which and who can celebrate their body. And how. You know, that is something I’ve always been concerned by, especially when having a fat body and struggling with that. Now I’ve grown up and I love my body and I can express and myself. So I think It’s really important because we see an increase of fat positivity on social media—if you look for it. I think a lot of my concerns are who are celebrating it and why. And some of the things I haven’t noticed in creating my art is that I want to be noticed as a fat person creating fat art. And breaking the narrative that there are thin-bodied artist who are creating voluminous bodies and profiting from that, while never having to deal with the stigma of being unhealthy or being obese or not knowing how to work out correctly at the gym or living with the stigma that you are easier to sleep with just because you have a more voluptuous body that society has not created space for. So for me and my art, whenever I’m thinking about what art I should create I think about the celebration of fat bodies as a fat person.

LP: That’s really great because it’s so important in this day and age to have the people

who are being affect speak for themselves.

SM: Yeah, I think it’s super important. And this goes for everyone. We can all agree

that we want our own voice. We want to lift our own voices and not have someone else

speak on the microphone for us. And so it’s very powerful for me when I am able to connect with other fat bodies—beautiful fat bodies—that feel touched though my art and express how it has helped them through their own self-love, which is something I found a lot of solace in when I began creating art. The healing work is important. Like how am I going to create this waist? No, I’m not going to use a thin line. Lemme get some waves in here, lemme get some curves in it. And that has been super healing for me because when I look in the mirror I don’t think about the weight I have to lose. I standing there like ‘ Look at all this beautiful skin! Look at all this meat on my body! I have so much more to hug and enjoy!’ So it’s definitely a beautiful thing to share my art as a celebration. That’s something art should be—a celebration of something. It should be a celebration of what you want to share with another person. As artist we learn our art is ourselves. And we become our own muses. And then we begin to celebrate ourselves. And the art becomes more bold and beautiful.

LP: Oh my goodness. When did you start on this journey? Because I definitely relate o

your art as a curvier woman and as a Black woman. It’s difficult dealing with body image: am I too sexy? Am I sexy enough for a partner to find me attractive? When did you first become cognizant of the powers that be and the way they affect larger Black femmes and Black women?

SM: I noticed it at a young age. And when I create art, I think about what my younger

self wants and needs. So searching within myself I’m like, ‘ I know you’re in there, where are you? Where are you hiding? I need to talk real quick! I need some inspiration, girl. Come out!’ And I realized all these thing I was angry about, being bulled for my body, not getting the support I was from family and friends and not being accepted by society

really pushed me to create art for myself. So when I started drawing, I drew body figures. And now I receive support from my are community who push me to share my work. I feel so emotional and psychically liberated now that I love myself I don’t care if toxic masculinity and other hate is around the corner. Its been a very beautiful process for me to get here and be comfortable with sharing my work. I’m not longer silent. I’m here. And I’m going to be seen. I can’t hide all this!

LP: Oh, y’all finna see this!

SM: What am I gonna hide it behind? I gotta bless the children with all of this!

LP: That’s so great! You mentioned your artist community. And I’ve seen a lot posts

about your community on Instagram. So you’re all based in Oakland, and I don’t want to say your group is strictly transgender-centric, but you’re all gender-nonconforming, yes?

SM: It’s a group pf friends of mine. And we support one another’s art. And the people

who have encouraged me are people who have shown me a new way to love. They have influence a lot of my art. It is very powerful to have people to support you no matter what. And they have taught me the beauty of being vulnerable. And they are all my queer and gender-nonconforming people who love me unconditionally and inspire me to keep going. It was actually my best friend Devin, who was a student at SFSU, who introduced me to linocut. We used to have art dates every month where we would create art while drinking wine.

LP: That’s the only way you can do art.

WHERE THE ART GOES

QSS: Right, right! And so we would test techies with each other. And it’s funny because

when you’re doing linocut carvings you’re dealing with sharp knives and cork. So when I first did it I ended up cutting myself and I was like ‘Ow!’ And it was probably within the first five minutes of starting. I just ended up pouring myself another glass of wine and I kept going. And that became the birth of me falling in love with block prints and linocuts. I understood that there is laughter behind that small pain. There is healing after that small pain. And that’s what I learn from my community and art. I am heavily grateful to have both in my life.

LP: With self-love and community a person can do anything.

SM: Exactly.

LP: So, have you done work with other mediums before?

SM: Prior to learning linocut, I was very familiar to acrylic, pencil and pen drawings.

This year I’m really focused on digital art. Shout out to my art community—Trin. They gave me a Digital drawing pad for free. That has been super fun for me to explore. This has taken my art to the next level.

LP: No more accidentally cutting yourself anymore, huh?

SM: I’m safe now!

LP: That’s all we want, Sen! And going back to artivism—I think that’s such a unique

term. Artists role in activism is still so unappreciated. Now that you got the digital pad, where do you see your artisivism going from here? Are you still focused on the same issues, or does this allow you to branch out?

SM: I’m still focused on fighting against fat-phobia, fighting against anti-Blackness,

misogyny. But right now, want to form a portfolio that shows I am giving life to people who do not feel heard in their everyday life. I think it’s so important to celebrate one another right now. We need to celebrate Black femmes. And I want to use my art as a platform that says ‘Yeah, everything is fucked up right now, but we know someone who loves us. We know someone who loves us. Hella hard.’ And that small reminder can

make a huge difference.

LP: And as you mentioned at the beginning of the interview, you think it’s important to

pay Black femmes. How can we go about supporting them? As a closing message—how can we pay them?

SM: Find their Venmo, PayPal. If you want a DJ, performers, or artist hire them. I can

name a few in the Bay Area: Lil Miss Bikini Bottom—who is Devia Spain— The Chubby Goddess, Tasiana. There’s Jemini. You can check my page. Most of my followers are Black femmes.

LP: Groovy! Thank you so much, Sen. It’s been a pleasure speaking with you. You are an

amazing artist.

SM: You’re amazing, too!

LP: See, this is Black people supporting Black people. Black women supporting Black

femmes!

SM: Always!

Sen M. is an anxious, fat, multidimensional, non binary babe. Artist. For more of their

work follow them @sencreatesart on Instagram. To purchase their work visit artbyqueensensen.bigcartel.com.

CONTRIBUTORS

KATRINA BENEDICTO tells stories to cultivate her own voice and to find solidarity. Writing and reading fiction helps her understand the normalized inhumanity in the world that she strives to resist. She lives in San Francisco.

MARIA BELAYADI is a writer. In 2019 she earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Creative Writing from San Francisco State University. Her work centers around reframing the political and social identities of the communities she holds dear.

KAYT CHRISTENSEN is a 22 year old writer from sunny Southern California, though her work won’t always leave you feeling all sunshine and rainbows. When she isn’t reading and writing, you can find her burning candles, binge watching reality TV, and drinking wine. She has a book of poetry out titled Inevitable Ignition, and you can find her on Twitter and Instagram via the handle @kaytchristensen.

MAX KENNEDY is a recent graduate of SFSU’s Creative Writing department. He has been published in a few print and online magazines, such as Xpress Magazine, As Of Late, and Society of Sound Magazine. Since moving back to Los Angeles, he has begun working in the beauty industry at a PR agency. He also loves figs!

SHIRLEY JONES-LUKE is a poet and a writer. Ms. Luke lives in Boston, Mass. Shirley has an MFA from Emerson College. Her work focuses on trauma. She has participated at workshops at Breadloaf, VONA and Tin House. Shirley is currently working on a manuscript of her poems.

SAMMIE KIM

is a fourth year undergrad at San Francisco State University. She enjoys illustrating, reading, and plant-care. She has been published in Transfer. Seen and Heard and

ISAAK LUSIC is a graduate of California State Long Beach with a Bachelor's Degree in English Literature: his biggest accomplishment so far in his life. Whether reading or writing poetry, he is a Romantic in all the definitions and he hopes to find peace in this world full of chaos. His preferred drink is one shared with colleagues, while his favorite activities include reading, writing, and drinking (in no particular order).

KENDRA NAMEDNIL was born in the heart of coastal Humboldt County, California, amid starving artists, breathtaking vistas, and humidity that rarely dropped below eighty-five percent. She has two younger brothers, a mother who works both with special needs children and as a sign language instructor, and a father who works year-round for Cal fire. She grew up loving nature and listening quietly to the stories unfolding around her. Presently, she lives with her long-time love in San Francisco and tutors English at San Francisco State University. Her fantasy novel Borehole Bazar was recently published.

TREVAUGHN MALIK ROACH-CARTER is a writer born and raised in Modesto, California.

He attended San Francisco State University, obtaining a B.A. in Creative Writing with a minor in Education. He is obtaining a Master of Fine Arts in Creative writing. An excerpt of his short story “Where the Heart is” is published in Ramblr Literary Magazine, winning runner-up for the Ramblr Fiction award. His poem “Entitled” is published in Tayo Literary Magazine’s special issue: SOFT.

HUNTER THOMAS is a writer, who lives, works, and plays in San Francisco. He holds a BA from SFSU and currently works with City Lights Publishers. His words attempt to interrogate memory, technology, mass consumption, and living in the big flat now. He also co-runs an ever-evolving reading series called Parallel. He sincerely hopes you’re having a wonderful day.