Without You, Lark Terry

Without You

When she speaks

When she speaks The words are broken A twisted poem When she speaks Makes you think When she speaks Her heart is bleeding When she speaks She sets all free She has spoken Will you listen?

The words come out haunting, chilling, poetic, like a symphony rolling off my awaiting tongue. I will myself to stop, to zip up my heart like I did before, but I can’t stop now, I’ve only just started. Something’s happening to me and I can’t stop it.

My head hurts. My skin thinks it’s being shredded off my body. My eyes fill with blood tears, like the hands of life are squishing them. But my fingers keep typing the bone-chilling poetic melody. I know the dead. I see the dead. I hear the dead. Admitting to my abilities always felt like releasing a plague to the world. Now I’ve started and I can’t get myself to stop.

The poison spreads to only those in disbelief. You won’t forget. You won’t forget. You won’t forget. Once ignored, the illness is only more powerful, only more painful. The words are killing me. Save me. Help me.

I am staring at the cracks in the ceiling, counting how many are so small I almost don’t notice them. I am silently willing my eyes to get that familiar heavy feeling and finally glaze over in exhaustion. But I feel the words crawling up my spine. I know I will wake up wondering when I fell asleep, but for now I don’t believe I ever will.

I am thinking as I stare at the cracks. Thinking about you, but it hurts too much. I am thinking about the lies I’ve led myself to believe. I am thinking about the cracks. What are they really? What is anything really? I am making up stories about each crack. Surely I’ll forget them tomorrow but for now I have something to believe in, the terrible lies I make up to comfort my broken soul.

I awaken with tearstains running down my face. I feel them again. They’re telling me something. I listen. They’re telling me they’ve set a place for me at their table, that I should join them. I listen. Nothing they can say will persuade me, but I know how it

feels to be ignored, so I listen.

I ignore them, staring at the cracks again. I imagine what it would be like, could be like. I imagine their table. Eventually I’ve sunk into a reality I can’t find the strength to pull myself out of.

When she speaks

The table is long, but it must be to fit all of them. They’re the “in the middles,” the ones that are between the veil, the ones that bother me when I’m trying to live. But this dream is beautiful, not the usual nightmare. I sit down at my place in the table. Somehow, I know just where it is. I’ve always known. But they’re forcing the food down my throat, making me stay. I soon find myself making a promise I cannot break. And when I do, they’ll do anything to find me.

I can see the shattered mirror behind my closed eyes. They’re angry, and they’ve gone to my world to fix it. This time I don’t listen. I try my hardest to forget. I try my hardest to live. But when everything you know is broken, it gets harder and harder to stop giving in.

I try to break free of the dream. I am in control. But somehow on my way out I’ve lost the crown. My words no longer matter. I am in control. I talk to anyone who will listen; trying to convince myself I am the ruler of this land. But even I don’t believe my own words. My eyes won’t open. My feet won’t lift off the ground. And then, for a moment, I see a light. It has come time to choose. Win or loose? They tell me to stay, afraid of the unknown.

I lift my feet. My heart no longer has a beat. And finally I speak. I say the words I need to say, pushing everyone out of the way. And then the veil is broken, I’ve moved on. My eyes open and I am awake. Enveloped in sticky sweat. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t remember the words. The words that saved me in my dream seem to disappear, won’t come back to me. I am alone in reality. Again.

I feel my skin crawling. Suddenly I am bawling. And I know now what I must do. Letting go is the only way to truly be with you. But there is no way to know where to start and where I’ll go. I’m afraid I’ll never truly know.

I walk alone in the foggy morning to the place they say teaches me something. Walk through the doors and they’re already snickering. I can hear them in my head, bickering. She’s too skinny. She’s too fat. Somehow I know I won’t ever fit in with that.

I’m just going through the motions, saying the things I need to so I can get through the day. Here I have to hide behind my cloak of perfect lies. Here I am alone. Here I am just waiting for it all to end. Here is where I sink alone, slowly

wishing it would all wither away. Here is my every day.

I forgive you for holding her I forgive you for wanting her I forgive you for needing her I forgive you for loving her But I’ll never forgive you for leaving all of us here Alone and lost

When she speaks

When I speak, the world doesn’t listen. Without you my eyes don’t glisten. You left us all. You let us fall. How could you leave? Stay for me. Stay for her. But don’t leave us all. I don’t look at her anymore. How could I? She doesn’t look at me either. We go our separate ways, but inside we’ll always be the same, a hole in our heart. We always waited for you, even when you didn’t come back.

When I speak, you don’t listen. I talk to you every night, but you won’t come back. I can’t bring you back. You don’t listen as I tell you of my sorrows. You won’t listen to my joys. But I need you. I want you. You left me shattered and torn. You swore you wouldn’t leave. But you did. You left without me.

Forever the ghosts will haunt me. And I will be OK. But I can’t possibly bring myself to say that you. We said we’d die together cry together. But I guess that all ended when you pulled the trigger. You said you wouldn’t let me fall, but I guess you chose to lose it all. I waited for you that night. I’ll never forgive you for that.

What hurts the most? He left me for the monsters that ruin my life everyday. He left me to be the reason I feel this way. He left me. Can’t you understand? All of it hurts. All of it.

I stare out the window. It’s 3 AM and I’m still awake. I can’t find a reason to dream. So I lay awake looking at the tree trunks. Each one tells its own twisted story. Each one feels pain for another. And they’re all bound together by their roots. We are all trees, numb creatures on the outside, but sharp pains jab us throughout the day where it hurts the most. The inside is where we’re affected. All of us, trying to lift the roots, trying to escape the pain. All of us, fighting to be sane. We are all trees. Help us. Help me.

I am slowly withering away knowing another day must go by. I walk through the doors of the school only to see sharks attacking prey. I put my hood on and kept walking. I refuse to let them hurt me. I refuse to feel pain again.

Everything is a blur. They’re asking questions. I’m hiding my face. It is not before I reach my locker that I realize I’m screaming and the sharks are not people. You’re

here with me. I’m scared. I see you, but you’re not the same. I’m fragile. I’ve snapped. I’m going insane.

You’re shouting the same five words. “Kiss me or kill me. Kiss me or kill me. Kiss me or kill me.” I don’t know what you mean, but I want to. Your desperate cries only create more gashes in my heart. I look away, trying to fight the pain. But now I remember I was screaming. Now I see the crowd of people around me. Now I know I am not OK.

I wake up screaming. I am alive. “Kiss me or kill me. Choose! I love you. Do you love me? KILL ME!” A mess of words tumbles out my brain. I realize I am talking out loud. My constant screaming will not stop.

That night I stood by your door, deciding weather or not to knock. Maybe you were with her. Maybe…maybe you didn’t want me there. Gunshot. I fall to my knees begging you not to leave. And then I couldn’t see you. That night the bullet took your life, but it also took mine.

Lark Terry