Premature Declaration, Grace Piccard

Premature Declaration

INT. WAREHOUSE SASHA (Mid-twenties, a real knockout–in a dangerous way) and JIM (kind of dopey) are back-to-back fighting off a troupe of BAD GUYS.

JIM This is probably a bad time to–SASHA Yeah, it probably is! (She does a cartwheel kick and knees a BAD GUY right in the nuts) JIM But I have to say it anyway! SASHA It can’t wait? (She stabs one of the BAD GUYS through his eyeball) JIM Sasha, I lo–(One of the BAD GUYS pistol-whips JIM, and JIM collapses. Luckily SASHA saves him and drags JIM’s sorry ass out of the warehouse) SASHA (muttering) What an idiot.

EXT. BUILDING SASHA and JIM rappel down the side of an enormous glass skyscraper, possibly somewhere in DUBAI. They are wearing all black and look VERY COOL. JIM (looking down) Gee, this is high. SASHA Keep going.

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JIM Sasha, can I ask you something? SASHA (sighs) Sure, Jim. JIM Have you ever been in love?

Suddenly, BULLETS begin whizzing around them as a BAD GUY shoots down through a broken window at the top of the BUILDING. SASHA What the–JIM I know, I know, it’s a random question. SASHA Shut up and keep rappelling! JIM Look, it can be a sensitive subject. Plenty of people don’t like to talk about it. Kind of like colonoscopies or–

A BULLET grazes JIM’s arm. He looks down and FAINTS at the combination of height and blood. SASHA You have got to be joking.

INT. LIVING ROOM SASHA and JIM are hiding a body.

JIM You know, my cousin Meredith is getting married this weekend. My age! Isn’t that just the craziest thing?

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SASHA Get the feet, will you?

JIM Wow, this guy is heavy. Jeez. I think I might need a second. SASHA Jim, we’re not even up the stairs yet. JIM This is a really nice carpet. It seems like a shame to just throw it away like this. SASHA There’s no way in hell I’m using the hacksaw and Hefty™ bags again. JIM I think this rug would look great in your apartment. SASHA Jim, you’ve never seen my apartment. JIM I was just saying.

EXT. RIVER. SASHA is tying the DEAD GUY to a couple of CINDER BLOCKS while JIM stands around and twiddles his THUMBS. JIM Really makes you think, doesn’t it? SASHA What does? JIM You know...death. Makes you think about how short life is. How precious. SASHA Jim, we’re assassins.

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JIM

(not seeming to hear her) Really makes you wonder if it’s worth it to be all alone...always…isolated. Loveless. SASHA Shut up and get me another cinder block.

INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING, probably TOP SECRET. SASHA and JIM are on some kind of SECRET MISSION. JIM We could die tonight. Do you ever think about that? SASHA We could die any night. Do you have the hand grenades? JIM Really gets you thinking, huh? About everything you wish you’d done. Everything you wish you’d said. SASHA (hacking into a TOP SECRET BUNKER) Uh huh. Sure. JIM I just have to say this. You know, just in case. Sasha, I lov–

Suddenly, a bunch of ARMED GOVERNMENT AGENTS run into the BUNKER. They are yelling really loudly in RUSSIAN or SOMETHING. SASHA Shit.

INT. AIRPLANE. SASHA and JOE are preparing to SKYDIVE into enemy territory. Hundreds of feet below, BOMBS are blowing up and other NASTY SHIT is going down.

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JOE Sasha, I gotta tell you something.

Oh my god, Joe. SASHA

JOE Just-just in case something happens, ya know–like, my parachute doesn’t open. Or my left arm gets blown off. Or we land in a river and get eaten by hungry croc–

SASHA I get it, you’re trying to say that you love––

JOE (as he is suddenly blown from the airplane door and inflates his parachute)

THIS TOOK LONG ENOUGH!

SASHA You have terrible timing, you know that?

Grace Piccard ’14

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