The Beast - April 2020

BEAST The

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From Where You'd Rather Be

The Beast

Words James Hutton, Publisher Welcome to the April 2020 edition of The Beast, the monthly magazine for Sydney’s quarantined beaches of the east. It’s been an interesting month since the Coronavirus panic took hold but it’s nice to be able to get a seat in my local café again.

There are a few small changes to the format this month.

You’ll notice the omission of the restaurant review and trivia page to make space for a couple of news articles that I wanted to get into this edition, as well as a bit more space for the letters to the editor, which have been pouring in lately. I always try and publish as many of these as possible - even the ones that say I’m a dickhead - and it’s become one of the most popular sections of the magazine.

Local philanthropists Quinn Darragh and Luke Stewart are gracing this month’s cover with their fit rigs and handsome melons as they prepare to take on the English Channel swim this September. It’s a massive challenge, even for the fittest of athletes, and I’d love our readers to get behind what they’re doing and help them to meet their target of $74,000 to buy a ventilator to help keep premature babies alive.

I try not to harp on about the business side of The Beast too much, but we are now the only independent media left in the area and the only way we can survive is if our readers support the businesses who advertise with us, so please shop local.

Cheers, James

The Beast Pty Ltd ABN 32 143 796 801 www.thebeast.com.au Editor james@thebeast.com.au Advertising Enquiries advertising@thebeast.com.au Rates and Specs thebeast.com.au/advertise Circulation 61,000 copies are delivered every month; 56,000 are placed in mailboxes and 5,000 in local shops.

PEFC Certified The Beast uses paper from sustainably managed forests.

Letters to the Editor Please send your feedback to letters@thebeast.com.au and include your name and the suburb you live in.

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8 The Beast April 2020

CONTENTS Apri l 2020 Issue 183

8 9 10 12 20 33 34

Welcome Note Table of Contents Pearls of Wisdom Monthly Mailbag Local News Thumbs Calendar

35 36 50 52 53 54 55

The Coogee drummer, by Brody Vancers.

Local Tradies Interview Local Bloke Unreliable Guide Satire Headnoise Sporting Life

56 60 62 64 64 65 66

Marj's Musings Recipe Local Photos Film Review Album Reviews Tide Chart Beardy from Hell

Mother's milk.

The Quiet Australians Words Pearl Bullivant Photo David Coupe For a country as small as Australia, our nation has some very big issues to deal with. While the east coast was burning and flooding, a revolution akin to the Eureka Stockade was simmering in the far north-west of Australia over the price of alcohol on Rio Tinto mining sites.

“Furious” FIFOs up in the Pilbara have been threatening to “revolt” over a new beer price policy implemented by the multinational, which has sent the price of Emu Export “soaring by an astronomical 45 per cent”, causing untold “mental anguish and isolation” among a group of grossly overpaid workers.

So moved was Pearl by their 10 The Beast April 2020

story that I donned the Southern Cross flag and gathered a pity party of friends willing to sponsor a struggling FIFO for a mere $1.50 per week.

Seriously, who in their right mind drinks Emu Export?

Instead of cash, maybe my money would be better spent on a mercy mission to the Pilbara with cartons of Young Henrys IPA. But, putting Pearl’s beer snobbery aside, the sad fact is that these FIFOs represent Scott Morrison’s “Quiet Australians”, an unfortunate term considering the outcome of the Quiet American in the book of the same name. FIFOs are just some of the real Aussies the PM

claims to represent, as distinct from the chattering classes who agitate over the environment, refugees and ABC funding. How better the outcome for Australia if the masses revolt over beer prices rather than climate change and arts funding?

However, there’s been very little evidence of late of the PM representing the Quiet Australians, favouring instead the large end of town who donate generously to the LNP. The Quiet Australians appear to have no objection to this favouritism, for they are brainwashed to believe that one day, with hard work and an overextended credit card, they too can become one of the LNP’s favoured friends.

So, Pearl is here to ask the PM, on behalf of the Quiet Australians: Where the bloody hell are you, and what do you intend to do about beer prices in the Pilbara (among other things)?

Yes, it’s not just beer prices that Pearl is seeking answers for. When do you, Mr Prime Minister, intend being proactive when it comes to the behaviour of contestants on Married at First Sight, a TV program that the Quiet Australians have emotionally invested in? When are you going to heed the call of the people by intervening in the outrageous behaviour of a contestant who insisted on wearing makeup during the Makeup Free Challenge? And, where were you, Mr Prime Minister, when “Smith’s New Lamington Flavoured Chip” had “Aussies Torn”? Inspired by the 2010 Arab Spring, the new flavour propelled thousands of Quiet Australians to take to social media complaining of “sacrilege” being a man of faith, ScoMo, I’m sure you know a thing or two about sacrilege. So where were you during the people’s hour of need? Sinking cans of cheap Bud and munching peanut butter flavoured chips in Hawaii?

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The Beast's Monthly Mailbag Words The Wonderful People of the Eastern Suburbs A FACT CHECK FOR OUR LOCAL MEMBER Dear Editor - I read James Hutton’s interview with Dave Sharma in the February 2020 edition of The Beast with great interest, and in particular his attempt to explain away Scott Morrison’s announcement, made prior to the October 2018 Wentworth by-election, that the government would be moving the Australian embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, and further Mr Sharma’s attempt to rewrite the historical record associated with that shameful and incompetent piece of “policy”.

I have a clear recollection of the announcement, the timing of it, and the reporting of it, and the fallout from it, and it differs from Mr Sharma’s. Indeed, a reading of the media reports available online by The Guardian, the ABC, the Sydney Morning Herald and The Conversation after the announcement confirms the correctness of my recollection.

There is no mention anywhere of Cabinet approving this “policy” change. That is because that did not happen, contrary to Mr Sharma’s assertion in the interview.

The terms of the announcement showed that Scott Morrison had no idea of the ramifications of it. It was clearly made in an ignorant hamfisted attempt to woo what the author of the announcement saw, in his ignorance, as the “Jewish vote” in this electorate. No one can seriously argue otherwise. What was particularly insulting and problematic about this whole episode was the assumption that all Jews think alike; that all of the Jewish voters

12 The Beast April 2020

in Wentworth are one bloc that would shout “Hooray” and vote Liberal because of this “policy”.

Again, this time at the hands of Scott Morrison, we saw a particular group in our society reduced to an ethnic or cultural stereotype in what was really, at the bottom of it all, a piece of subtle, perhaps unintended, and deep rooted anti-Semitism. The equivalent of recent times in the USA has been Donald Trump’s recent suggestion to an American Jewish audience that Benjamin Netanyahu is “Your Prime Minister.” Both Trump and Morrison assume that the “Jewish vote” is something motivated by matters outside of nationality, i.e. American or Australian, and that Jews are a group who cannot be entirely trusted, have loyalties elsewhere that are more important than those of nationality and who are best thought of as a group to be manipulated en masse for short-term political ends. Putting it more bluntly, the thought behind the policy announcement was on the same level as assertions that all Muslims are terrorist sympathisers.

As well, the announcement was made a few days before the by-election date (held on the Sabbath), after pre-poll and postal votes had been made by many Wentworth voters, including no doubt some of the ones assumed

by Mr Morrison to vote in a local by-election on this kind of “policy” ground.

The first announcement was not even the end of it. The nonsense emanating from the government continued in Decem-

ber 2018 when Morrison, in an attempt to cure the stupidity of the first announcement, doubled down and announced Australia's recognition of “West Jerusalem” as Israel’s capital. In so doing he recognised something that isn’t anyone’s policy, including that of the State of Israel. Mr Sharma’s memory is faulty, because he omitted in the interview to properly describe the text of the second announcement. Instead Mr Sharma referred to “Jerusalem”.

Mr Sharma’s statement in the interview that it’s “a complex discussion to have” is clearly correct. When he gets on top of the facts and all the issues himself, then no doubt he can attempt to have a reasonable and rational conversation about it with the prime minister. It will only be an attempt of course, because given what has come from the prime minister to date, Mr Sharma is wasting his time.

I suggest he and Scott Morrison leave the issue to DFAT and the foreign minister, who I believe counsel doing nothing, and staying clear of it as an issue, which is, frankly, very wise.

Yours sincerely, Terry Goldberg Clovelly UNDERGROUND RAIL In response to Dr Marjorie O’Neill’s article (Better Public Transport - Is the Answer Beneath Our Feet?, The Beast February 2020), I’d like to respond with a resounding, “Hell, yes!”.

The light rail from Randwick to the CBD has been an unmitigated failure. Modern mass transit needs to deliver multiple outcomes - efficiency, speed, reduced traffic volumes, environmental benefits - and the light rail has barely ticked any of these boxes.

I’m a long-time North Bondi resident. When I take public transport into the CBD the bus from the North Bondi depot to Bondi Junction station - a 4 kilometre route - takes 35 minutes in peak hour traffic. The second part of the journey, from Bondi Junction to Martin Place - a 6 kilometre route by underground

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rail - takes only 11 minutes.

Extending the rail line to Bondi Beach, North Bondi and beyond would cut down my 46 minute commute to approximately 18 minutes. It would also take buses off the road, easing congestion on both Bondi Road and Old South Head Road, and provide a positive environmental impact. The idea of putting light rail down Bondi Road is ridiculous - it will only further congest Old South Head Road, which is already impossible at peak hours. With more high density building proposals being approved in the east, congestion will only increase.

The pressure valve needs to be released with some bold thinking and commitments. The only solution is going underground.

Having lived overseas for over 16 years and travelled extensively, it is clear that Sydney is very far from being able to call itself a world class city until it has the transport infrastructure to match that status. London, New York, Paris, Hong Kong, Tokyo... these truly world-class cities have extensive underground rail systems that take vehicles off the road and make commuting genuinely efficient and rapid for users.

Our state and federal governments need to abandon the short-termism currently influencing policy decisions and find the courage to invest in long-term infrastructure projects, embracing true legacy-making policies for the benefit of communities and the planet. Marjorie O’Neill: tell us what it will take to turn this idea into a movement. You will find many of us ready to back you up!

Rosanna Iacono North Bondi BETTER PUBLIC TRANSPORT Dr Marjorie O’Neill’s article on public transport in the February Beast didn’t seem to elicit the response it should have. At last, a local politician has dared to open this conversation again. An extended underground network is a no-brainer for the area.

Anyone who has waited for a bus at Bondi Junction in peak hour, or tried to catch a bus from

14 The Beast April 2020

Bondi Beach on a sunny summer afternoon and have given up waiting and started walking, should realise how necessary this is. Those on the roads at peak hours should think the same.

Having seen what a disaster the new tram line has been, in terms of cost overruns and delays, all the NIMBYs and naysayers who have stymied similar plans in the past may start to reconsider underground mass transit in the east. Clearly some of those locals are terrified that their sacred soil will be overrun by tourists and bogans if we extend the rail system, but it already is overrun, with most of those arriving by bus or car, further adding to pollution, congestion and parking problems.

Governments need to look one hundred years or more ahead, spend the huge amount of money it will cost, and build a network for the future.

Egg Bondi FREEDOM FOR DOGS vs FREEDOM FROM DOGS The law banning dogs from the Tamarama and Mackenzies rock platform has long been a bit of a joke to those people who disregard it until there is a realistic chance of punishment.

Now there’s a grassroots push to have the law changed because they want to keep using it as a Doggy Water World and not get in trouble, “It’s just the place for lots more unleashed dogs and should be the start of more to come!”

People don’t need these proposed spaces, they want them.

It’s obvious plenty of people around here need public spaces to exercise their dog, but they don’t need to take their dog to a beach or rock platform, they just want to, and that’s different.

The law banning dogs from Mackenzies has been very publicly in place for ages. It’s not like something that was once their right has been taken from them.

In my opinion, those who think it would be a good thing to lift the dog ban at Mackenzies ought to consider what’s so spe-

cial about that area. It contains a rare and complex ecosystem in a stunning setting; that’s why there are laws to protect it. For Mr Faulks to suggest those laws and their enforcement are part of, in his words, “the over-regulation in public spaces,” is a trivialisation of the value of such ecosystems.

If Mackenzies is to be a “haven”, it should be for the following: native biota and people who respect it, whether they’re folk who are totally fed up with some of the dog owners we get around here or not. There’s people doing the wrong thing with unleashed dogs all over the place and we have to deal with their turds. Our seashore should provide respite from this and other irritants of city life.

Mackenzies is not “out of the road”, as Miss Ballhausen asserted. It’s part of the shoreline of a densely populated region that’s very close to the city centre.

It’s in full view of the coastal walk and beckons as a wonderful detour for walkers who are agile enough. If she’s referring to its lack of paved access she’s merely highlighting a factor that’s been exploited by lawbreakers wanting to avoid punishment.

Cafés and pubs that now welcome dogs are catering to a section of society for their own reasons. Good on them if they do this responsibly and considerately. To associate that trend with the future of Waverley’s beaches and rock platforms is, to me, both far-fetched and downright vulgar - the widespread respect that should be shown to these places is long overdue.

My favourite Sculpture by the Sea is the Tamarama and Mackenzies coastline, and Council needs to step up to its responsibility for the protection and survival of that area. It should be a tranquil place where people can unplug and unwind; where families with little children can safely enjoy the pools at low tide and discover the wonders of nature within them. It should be free from barking and balls being chucked, and free from dogs hassling the rock pool organisms and

birds. The complete ban on dogs in that area needs to remain and be observed.

This is not an issue “between dog likers and dog dislikers”; this is about the management of a very special place. If Waverley Council finds the enforcement of this ban financially onerous they should be aided by other government bodies. That coastline is not just for the benefit of local residents; it’s also for other Sydneysiders and visitors to what is considered by many to be the world’s most naturally blessed city.

Anitra Hadley (no relation to Ray) Tamarama MACCAS MUTTS Hi James - Ho hum, another attempt to have Mackenzies Bay declared a dog off-leash area. A very small area with limited parking, popular for many forms of recreation, especially for children.

With its recent transient beach (now washed away by storms), dog owners pretty much took over the sand. I am not complaining about that but I wonder how big the canine throng would have been had Josh Faulks’ proposal (Freedom for Dogs vs Freedom From Dogs, The Beast, March 2020) been operative. “Every man and his dog would be there,” comes to mind but is probably now PC unacceptable. My guess is that the canine invasion of the beach caused an incident which triggered the council ranger’s interest.

Mr Faulks asserts that if Mackenzies Bay is “signposted well [as a dog friendly area] then all residents know and they can be safer with the proper protocols in place”. The “protocols” are not specified, nor is the manner of enforcement. How residents would be safer is a mystery to me.

Is he concerned that they are now in danger?

The fact is that council rangers have for many years exercised a blind eye discretion in the area while retaining the right, when circumstances make it appropriate, to enforce the on-leash requirement. It has worked pretty well for many years.

16 The Beast April 2020

An old saying is, “Let sleeping dogs lie.” Should the off-leash proposal succeed, it is my guess that those who now take their dogs there will end up resenting the resultant increase in paddling pooches whose owners, thanks to social media, will know that it has become open slather.

Greg Maidment Bronte DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT To my urban compatriots, lovers of the canine - Dogs are the best, and smart, one of the most successful species currently thriving on the planet. They have evolved over 20,000 years and ensured their survival by hitching their wagon to the human species, an ancient partnership.

Dogs really seem to get us, and the feeling is mutual. Out walking, people greet my dog, a warm hello. There is an awkward silence, who were they waiting to reply? But I’m delighted that a connection has been made.

Dogs are a wonderful social prop. Anywhere and everywhere we go, conversations are struck and meaningful, knowing glances shared. And with them, my two hounds, we explore the best that Sydney and the east have to offer.

Outside, parkside and beachside, everyone is smiling. It’s the best of times.

But all dog owners share a dirty little secret. No, no one wants to talk about it or acknowledge it, but it’s there and, more and more, I am seeing abandoned little, and not so little, piles of it left forlorn, on soccer fields and sidewalks. Some of the more obnoxious ones are right there in sight of everyone, baking in the Sydney sun.

Time out walking is now spent pondering. Is there a correlation between the proliferation of the cross poodle breeds and the steady increase of unclaimed waste? Is it a Groodle thing?

An entitlement thing? Are we awaiting some fabulous app to be invented to come and do the dirty work for us? Uber-scoops? Something I would use, but doesn’t exist as yet.

It seems that someone out there - and you know who you are - was looking the other way when they shouldn’t have been, and they are going to ruin the ride for everyone. We would hate to have these beautiful spaces made off limits to us or monitored more heavily.

New South Wales is under a stranglehold of legislation and restrictions. By the time you have read all of the rules on the sign at the beach or park, your meter is up. Plus, there is the anti-dog brigade, chaired, I suspect, by the person whose house overlooks my local park, has the ranger on speed dial and is itching to bust any unrestrained frolickers. Fair enough, there are plenty of Sydneysiders who, incredibly, don’t ‘get’ dogs. Let’s not give them any more reasons not to.

It is obvious from the landmines that there are all sorts out there and this is not an opportunity to groodle or oodle blame in general, but lovers, please take care of your belongings, and by this, if I must spell it out for you, I mean ‘deal with your shit’ in the appropriate way with the provided bag and bin.

So, a plea: our walkies are in your hands. My fur-babies and I beseech you to lift your game.

Now get out there and enjoy this goddam beautiful city.

Schatzi Wallaroy Bronte COOGEE OVAL, WHAT NEXT? Every time I take a morning walk along Dolphin Street to the Coogee seaside, I look into the beautiful and special expanse of space that is Coogee Oval.

It’s distressing to look through tall, dark metal fencing that has replaced the traditional short, white picket fences.

I would assume that the metal fencing is to be clad shortly in a dark, heavy canvas-like material that is to remain for most of the winter to prevent people looking into the oval, as was the case last year. Obviously Randwick Rugby need, and deserve, the gate receipts they can only get if the oval is obstructed from outside view on match days, but why is the

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oval cordoned off so offensively and for such a long period of winter? Are there smart administrators out there capable of devising an acceptable solution?

Robert Coogee DERRIERES ON DISPLAY I am a Boomer. Yes, I admit it.

I have lived through the 1970s, 1980s and early 1990s, when women commonly went topless on beaches in Australia. No big deal. Really, no big deal. I have also always lived near beaches.

I raise this because fashions change. You will very rarely see a woman topless on a beach today.

Okay, fair enough, instead you will see bum cheeks all over the place.

Okay, again, fair enough (OK Boomer!). But recently, while innocently walking a neighbour’s dog on a public street, I was intrigued to see (but not stare at!) two girls walking with their derrieres on display for the world to see.

When beach toplessness was a thing you would never see a woman walking on the street with her breasts uncovered - that was for the beach - so why is it now okay for bums to be on display on the street? I dread to think about them being on a bus, either sweaty and sitting on a bus seat or, worse still, standing with their bare rear ends in the faces of seated passengers.

Doug Richards Tamarama SCHADENFREUDE At times, one of Sydney’s latte drinking lefties sits in a Coogee café, looks out to sea and fights the feelings of Schadenfreude. He cannot find pleasure (freude) in other people’s misfortune (schaden).

Still, he wonders why nature treats global warming denying Liberal voters particularly beastly.

In recent months, Liberal voters seem to suffer disproportionately from global warming. While their hero is holidaying in Hawaii, faithful National and Liberal voters in regional New South Wales suffered from so-called “neverseen-before” bushfires. Is this the new normal or the downward

18 The Beast April 2020

spiral of global warming’s death and destruction?

Only a short while after the bushfires, even English newspapers reported about their Liberal counterparts suffering from “relentless waves washing away 25 metres of sand and threatening to swallow million-dollar mansions on Sydney’s Northern Beaches”.

Nature was hitting another heartland of the Liberal Party.

Finally, on another stronghold of Liberal voters, we read, “Queensland: flooding in the south-east as north braces for record heat wave”. And now global warming hits their mates in the Hunter Valley too, where wine growers suffer from bushfire related “smoke taint”. It damages grapes. One winegrower even said, “We pulled the pin on a vintage,” while Bruce Tyrrell of Tyrrell’s Wines stated, “This year we lost 80 per cent of our crop.”

Deeply lost in thoughts of what is going to come in decades of worsening global warming, the mysterious inner-Coogee lefty Thomas sips on his Chardonnay, looks out to sea and ponders, “Why does nature punish our global warming denying Liberal voters so viciously?”

The Mysterious Thomas Inner-Coogee DON’T JUDGE ME - A POEM If you follow the legs to their tops, There’s a line where bum starts and leg stops.

Now, it’s never been ruled on by courts, But traditionally covered by shorts.

At the beach, girls of all shapes and classes, Have bikini pants threaded up arses.

Designers make trims and make tweaks, To the point now of unadorned cheeks.

Now, my own horse is not very high, There’s no doubt that this look draws my eye.

But are girls with their pants in their hole, Saying, “Please judge my mind and my soul”?

My outfit may be string and mesh, But how dare you just see me as flesh?!

Andrew Coorey Bondi

Bruce Etched in Everyone’s Memory Words Duncan Horscroft You’d be hard pressed finding a school, club or sporting organisation in the Eastern Suburbs without a trophy from the former Jimac Trophy shop on Clovelly Road.

Long-time operator Bruce Hockey sadly passed away last December after a long illness which saw him end his days in Queensland with his family.

A memorial was held at the Clovelly Bowling Club last month where more than 100 paid tribute to a man who was held in high esteem by all who knew him. His ashes were fittingly scattered in the garden behind the first bowling green at the club where he was a dedicated bowler and former committee member.

Bruce was a handy sportsman, playing NSW Schoolboys rugby league before moving on to play second and third grade for the Roosters.

Although he played for the Roosters he was a die-hard Parramatta Eels supporter and a Randwick Rugby tragic.

He was also known to burn the candle at both ends when it came to end-of-season presentations when his shop was flooded with engraving orders for trophies. Some said they thought the job would never get done, but true to his dedication the order would be fulfilled, often the morning before.

A humble man, Bruce never had a bad word to say about anyone. He was always smiling and nothing was too much trouble. He will be sadly missed by all who knew him.

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Mayor Paula Masselos and Cox Avenue resident Alex Unsworth.

Waverley to Trial Road Closures to Allow Safe Street Play Words Siriol Dafydd Photo Waverley Council Wouldn’t it be nice if you could let your children play in the street with their friends and neighbours without having to worry about them being run over by cars? Well, Waverley Mayor Paula Masselos agrees with you. She believes that opportunities to play are vital to children’s development and wellbeing and has therefore spearheaded a campaign to encourage and enable children and parents to play safely in our local streets.

Waverley Council’s new street play initiative will close participating streets to traffic on Sunday afternoons in order to allow children and families to play and socialise safely.

Council’s original plan was to trial the initiative in just four streets but the project is likely to expand to other streets due to growing community interest. As The Beast went to press, the streets officially participat20 The Beast April 2020

ing in the trial were St James Road in Bondi Junction, Millers Street in Waverley, Cox Avenue in Bondi and Busby Parade in Bronte.

The idea behind this new initiative is to help keep children active and bring communities together.

“Growing up, I remember how fun it was hanging out with the neighbours’ kids, playing ball games in the street and having a lot of fun,” Mayor Masselos told The Beast.

“With more and more kids growing up in apartments and houses being built on smaller blocks of land where there’s no yard, I think the capacity to be able to play on the street is a really important option and opportunity for kids and families. It’ll help kids get off their electronic devices and get neighbours talking to each other and friendships become formed that way.”

Council believes that many streets around Waverley could be suitable for this kind of project as they don’t see much traffic on Sunday afternoons anyway. Of course, not all streets will be able to accommodate street play and their eligibility will ultimately be determined by Council’s team of engineers who will take a number of different factors, such as the impact on overall traffic flow, into account.

All residents actively taking part in the trial will be trained in the necessary traffic management techniques and taught how to close off a street effectively. Throughout the trial, all street closures will be classed as ‘events’ and the insurance fee will be covered by Council.

This insurance will remain in place until at least the end of the financial year but could of course be extended should the trial be a success.

This is a wonderful idea in theory and hopefully the trial will be an enormous triumph.

Of course, whether or not it succeeds is inevitably down to us. Much like the dockless bikes saga, this type of initiative only works if people are respectful and sensible about it. After all, it only takes one or two idiots to ruin this kind of thing for everyone. Hopefully, however, our sense of community and team spirit will prevail and local families and visitors alike will be able to safely enjoy some quality time with their neighbours in the streets for years to come.

For more information about the street play trial, please visit waverley.nsw.gov.au. If you have any questions about how this initiative will impact your local area, or if you wish to register your interest to become a part of the street play trial, email calum.hutcheson@ waverley.nsw.gov.au.

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April 2020 The Beast 21

The devil will be in the detail.

Bronte Surf Club Development Plan Passes Its First Test Words Duncan Horscroft Illustration CHROFI (architectural practice) Bronte SLSC & Community Facilities - Option Analysis, Councillor Presentation - 22.01.2020 - Revision 7

The proposed $9 million development of Bronte Surf Club has passed the first stage of being accepted, with Waverley Council endorsing Option 4 of the Bronte Surf Club and Community Facilities Building Upgrade.

Under the heading “A pavilion on a cliff top”, the option ticks most boxes as far as providing specialist facilities for both volunteer lifesavers and professional lifeguards without imposing on public access along the promenade and coastal walk.

“This addresses conflict between (surf club) equipment access to the beach and public pathways,” the option states as one of the advantages.

Bronte Surf Lifesaving Club President Basil Scaffidi said he was pleased with the outcome of the council meeting and was confident the proposal would be accepted by the public when it goes out for “stage 2 community consultation” this month. “(Waverley Mayor) Paula Masselos was instrumental in getting the option approved and the council is absolutely committed to the project,” Mr Scaffidi told The Beast.

“If all goes well a Development Application (DA) should

22 The Beast April 2020

CHROFI

be lodged in July and we should be on track for commencement of work in August 2021.”

There has been some contention within the Bronte Boardriders Club as to what facilities would be provided for them as they are an integral part of the beach, with many having also done their time through the nippers and surf club patrols.

“We will be sitting down with the Boardriders to find out what will make them happy,” Mr Scaffidi said. “All in all we should have a new club up and running in three years and be able to provide for everyone’s needs.”

“We have the committed funds of $9 million through Waverley Council, state and federal government, and the surf club. Of course, we will not know the full cost until the final design has been submitted and accepted.”

The change sheds at the southern end of the beach have not been included in the surf club Plan Of Management but the community centre, which is home to three swimming clubs, Dr Bronte and Bronte Breakers members, has been earmarked for a total refit, due to commence in April.

Originally it was thought the

building would be demolished but because it has withstood the elements it was agreed that a total refurbishment was all that was needed.

“Many were not in favour of a knockdown and because it is such a strong building, supported by galvanised steel, it still has a lot of life left and a refit will leave it looking like new,” Cr Masselos said.

“The inside will be completely re-tiled and painted, with new toilets, sinks and doors to be added. We estimate the work will take around three months to complete and be ready for summer.”

Meanwhile, across the ditch at Tamarama, things look good for a commencement of work on their new surf club. The DA was approved in 2014 but some red tape along the way put things on hold.

But now it’s all systems go and Tamarama Surf Life Saving Club President Tim Murray is hopeful work might start in the second half of this year.

“We have been working closely with (Waverley) Council and they have been fantastic,” he said. “Because the building is council-owned it must be constructed by Council and that works out better for us.”

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Community vs Convenience?

Locals Differ Over Woolies Plan Words Nicola Travers-Robinson Photo James Hutton Bronte locals will soon have another chance to voice their opinions on the proposed Macpherson Street Woolworths Metro. The development application was deferred pending an economic and social report from Woolworths after a high volume of community submissions opposing the change in December last year. The report was submitted to Council in late February and was released for community comment in March.

The application proposing to convert three retail spaces into a large Woolworths Metro is the latest in a long string of controversial proposals for the former RSL site.

Local community group Save Bronte will be encouraging community response to oppose the Woolworths Metro.

24 The Beast April 2020

Stephen Lightfoot, a spokesman for Save Bronte, said they will be following the matter closely.

“We’ll be having a look at their report and we’ll be analysing it ourselves and seeing if we agree with what they say, and we will make submissions when they’re called for," Mr Lightfoot told The Beast.

Major concerns with the proposed development include the impact on pedestrians, local businesses and roads. The current Plan of Management proposes that trucks up to eleven metres long drive past Bronte Beach, an area that has large volumes of pedestrian traffic.

These trucks will be driving down the narrow and already congested Bronte Road at least twice a day.

Another valid concern is parking, which is already a significant issue for the Bronte community.

However, some business owners feel it is inevitable that big businesses will eventually move into the area, and some members of the local community are positive about the convenience a Woolworths will bring.

Jon, a teacher at a local school, says a Woolworths Metro would be a great asset for their staff team.

“It would be a great resource to get a healthy lunch and snacks that are not too expensive locally,” he told The Beast.

“At the moment I’m not using any of the local shops.”

Mr Lightfoot says that it has become a debate about the level of freedom developers should have in community areas.

“It was a principle of democracy,” he said. “The community had had a say, the council had had a say and even the Department of Planning had looked at the site and had a say. Then a developer came along and wanted to change all that, and we said, ‘You can’t do that. It’s not just, it’s not fair, it’s not democracy.’”

This latest community effort marks eight years of Save Bronte fighting for appropriate development of the former RSL site, with many locals and business owners also fighting to keep small business a viable option in Bronte.

Mahmood Assad, owner of the local Friendly Store, believes a Woolworths Metro will bring a real threat to businesses in the area.

“I am a small fish and they are a big shark. I don’t want to compete with that,” Mr Assad said of the development.

If you’d like to rant about the Woolworths Metro, please email letters@thebeast.com.au.

2ND MAY REDFERN OVAL

Bits and Pieces from Around the Beaches Words Nicola Travers-Robinson Photo Damon Field Instagram @df_venture FUN IN THE PARK Hosted by St Luke’s, Clovelly, Fun in the Park is a fun Saturday for the whole community.

There’ll be live music, a barbecue lunch and coffee, free activities including a bungee run for teens and adults, a giant inflatable obstacle course and a junior jumping castle, as well as face painting and cupcake decorating, nerf wars and Clovelly’s biggest Easter egg hunt! It's on Saturday, March 28 from 11am-2pm at Varna Park, Waverley. Visit clovelly.org.au for more info.

RANDWICK NORTH HIGH SCHOOL REUNION (RNHS) Organisers are looking for students, teachers and administration staff who were affiliated with RNHS from 1983 (Year 10) and 1985 (Year 12) to take part in a 35-year reunion. If you have a friend, brother or sister, cousin, neighbour - or even your mum or dad - that attended the school at these times, a reunion has been put in place for Saturday, September 19 this year at a local venue yet to be confirmed. Tickets will be on sale from around June or July. Please advise potential attendees to email debturney12@gmail.com.

Photos of the school grounds from those days are also being sought and can also be emailed to Deb. Friends and direct family members are welcome to attend.

Electric.

FINES TO BE SCRAPPED Fines for overdue library items at all Randwick City libraries will be scrapped from July 1 under changes to Randwick City Library’s borrowing system. An Amnesty on all fines and overdue items began on March 1 and will last until June 30, allowing library members to return overdue items and have any previously accrued fines waived.

FROM BRAZIL TO MAROUBRA Maroubra United’s premier league squad promises to bring some latin flair to the field this season. With support from The Brazilian All Blacks, they’re entering a team in the top division of the Eastern Suburbs Football Association and promise to grace local pitches with some ‘jogo bonito’ and encourage the community to come out in support.

With recruits like Will Santana and Caio Ventura, we’re looking forward to a carnival atmosphere both on and off the field. Contact info.seniors@mufc.org.au.

REMEMBERING TIM HAWKINS The name of a Tasmanian man who was killed in the 2002 Bali Bombings will be added to the Bali Memorial in Coogee. Tim Hawkins was a 28 year-old lawyer who was born and raised in Lindisfarne, Tasmania. His family travel to Coogee every year to participate in the annual Bali

Commemoration Ceremony to remember their son and connect with other families who have been affected by the tragedy. Mr Hawkins was the only Tasmanian victim of the bombings, there is no memorial in that state.

AROUND THE WEDDING CAKE The Coogee Island Challenge will be back for the second event in its 2019/20 swim series, hosted by the Coogee Surf Life Saving Club (SLSC). The Autumn challenge will include three courses: an 800 metre junior dash, a 1 kilometre splash and dash and the historic 2.4 kilometre island challenge where competitors do a lap around Wedding Cake Island. Registration is now open, with the funds raised going toward purchasing vital equipment for the Coogee SLSC. To register, please visit facebook.com/ CoogeeIslandChallenge.

DOGS AT MACKENZIES Last month The Beast reported on a change.org petition fighting to allow dogs on Mackenzies Beach. Liberal Councillor Tony Kay put forward a motion to investigate the possibility of allowing dogs at Mackenzies at the Waverley Council meeting on February 18. There was a mixed response to the submission, with “pee, poo, and bites” being the main points of objection, but it was eventually passed.

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April 2020 The Beast 27

Cold Chisel backstage at the Bondi Lifesaver in 1978.

The Bondi Lifesaver Remembered Words Nicola Travers-Robinson Photo Violet Hamilton Back in 2012, The Beast published an appeal to anyone who had information about a long-forgotten music venue that once stood near the corner of Newland and Ebley Streets.

The Bondi Lifesaver had lived on in the minds of many and it became one of our most commented on online stories.

Ten years later, owing to a massive effort from those who loved the Lifesaver, a book has been published honouring its legacy. Craig Griffiths, the author of The Bondi Lifesaver: Sydney’s 1970s Sex, Drugs & Rock n Roll HQ, spent many nights during the seventies under the Lifesaver’s roof.

“It was like a cubby house for degenerate music lovers and musicians,” he told The Beast.

The Lifesaver’s reputation for “sex, drugs and rock n roll” was widely known in an era before the sobering realities of drug addiction and the AIDS epidemic set in.

28 The Beast April 2020

When Griffiths looked for information about the beloved venue in 2010, two years before his colleague John Ruffels wrote to The Beast, he couldn’t find anything online or in print.

“I Googled it and there was nothing. And I looked through the many music books I had and there was nothing,” he explained.

Griffiths started a Facebook group to find other people who remembered the Bondi Lifesaver and was faced with an uphill battle. After six months there were twelve people in the group and after a year there were only forty. It took him three years just to find a photo of the front of the venue.

“Because it wasn’t easy, it made it more worthwhile... as time went on more and more people came out of the woodwork, everyone was really pumped when they heard about the book,” Mr Griffiths told The Beast.

The book was self-published and funded by a Kickstarter campaign. Each contributor received a copy for Christmas last year and it went on sale to the public at the beginning of 2020.

The book itself is less a history than a collective memory, built by those who loved the Lifesaver and designed and edited by Mr Griffiths himself.

Its pages are filled with a wide range of memories, from John Paul Young, Kevin Borich and Glenn A Baker to punters who just loved to be there.

Randwick resident Glen Smith still remembers the Lifesaver as a venue unlike any other.

“The Bondi Lifesaver was a dedicated live music specialist; I think all the good bands wanted to perform there. The sound was great, the vibe was outstanding,” Mr Smith told The Beast.

“It was really different,” Griffiths agreed. “It was just there for music. It wasn’t set up for anything else, just for rock and roll. You didn’t go there for lunch or coffee, you just went there to see bands. If there weren’t bands, it wasn’t open.”

Unlike other popular 1970s venues like the Astra at Bondi Beach, which is now a retirement home, the Lifesaver building no longer exists. The only thing left to remember it by is the corner of the Kmart carpark.

Griffiths’ book is significant because it honours something that has been lost to time.

When a band promoter asked him to help with creating a “Back to the Lifesaver” evening, Griffiths declined.

“I said no because you just can’t do it,” he explained.

“There’s been nothing like it since and there never will be again.”

The book is available from www.thebondilifesaver.com.

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April 2020 The Beast 29

Elite athletes.

Bronte Boardriders Qualify for Aussie Championships Words Nicola Travers-Robinson Photo Michael Fairbairn The boys from Bronte Boardriders will be heading to the Surftag Australian Championships after a big win at the South New South Wales State Championships, a one-day event held at Coledale in late February.

Ryan Clark, who surfed for Bronte at the New South Wales Championships, said that the win was an unexpected one for the team.

“We were missing two of our best surfers on the day, so we entered a team just hoping that we could qualify for the Aussies, maybe get in the top four, but we won the day,” he told The Beast.

Boardriders clubs compete in teams of five surfers, with Bronte’s New South Wales Championships team consisting of Mr Clark, Troy Stewart, Adam Perica, Caleb Reid and Adrian Kovacic.

The Australian Championships will take place from April 4-5 at Queenscliff Beach. With the competition just around the corner, the team is aiming 30 The Beast April 2020

to repeat their South New South Wales effort and take out the national title for Bronte.

“We just have to go out and do our best,” Mr Clark told The Beast. “We showed at State that you don’t have to be a favourite to get a good result.”

Mr Clark has been a member of Bronte Boardriders for twenty-five years, having joined when he was only ten years-old. The club is part of a network of 235 Boardriders clubs across Australia that promote a grassroots approach to maintaining the surfing community.

“There’s a great tradition across the country and lots of generations get involved. My older brother Cam is a member and now my son is too,” said Mr Clark.

“We’ve got to keep developing young surfers and encouraging them to work on their surfing and compete.”

The Bronte Boardriders club has active members from the age of six up to over sixty years-old.

Mr Clark is an advocate for anyone to join their local Boardriders club, particularly Bronte.

“Joining is a lot of fun,” he said. “You get the support of the local boys and it’s great to have good mates in and out of the surf. Plus, you get more waves at Bronte if you’re a Boardrider.”

While it’s the strength of their surfing that will win them the national championship, it might not only depend on the people in the water, and Bronte’s support team has always been an important contributor to their success.

“Bronte club’s strength is their spirit,” said Mr Clark.

“We’ve got the best supporters’ club in the country and they definitely help us to do better at the comps.”

Bronte Boardriders will compete in the Surftag Australian Championships at Queenscliff Beach on April 4-5. You can follow them on Instagram at @bronteboardriders or come on the day to cheer them on.

Thank you!

Thanks to the Bondi Lifeguards, Waverley Council and the Bondi community as we celebrate 15 seasons filming on Australia’s most famous beach.

“We’re incredibly proud to be part of a surf safety campaign that resonates across Australia and around the world,” says CJZ Executive Producer Michael Cordell. “No matter who you are, or where you’re from, Bondi’s Lifeguards have got your back.”

Spanish engineering at its worst.

The Light Fail Words Joel Bevilacqua Photo Mal Function It’s 10.22am on a Wednesday morning and I’m sitting in the middle of Crown Street, Surry Hills. We haven’t moved for over 15 minutes. Why? I’m on the light rail, doing a review for our dear readers of The Beast, and it has broken down. The irony is not lost on me.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you would have heard about the Liberal state government’s trouble-plagued public transport initiative, which they assured us would ease Sydney’s traffic congestion.

Since construction began in October 2015, the project has been the source of numerous nightmares for the Berejiklian government. Many businesses and residents were affected during the continuously delayed construction, there was outrage at the loss of nearly a thousand trees in Centennial and Moore Parks, and there was the ongoing beef with Spanish contractor Acciona Infrastructure over modifications to the line. Worst of all, these modifications meant the project went $1 billion over budget.

In December last year, the L2 Randwick Line finally began transporting passengers. However, the Liberal government didn’t even get to enjoy this moment as one of the trams broke down within hours of the opening ceremony. Criticism surround-

32 The Beast April 2020

ing the speed of the light rail, or lack thereof, soon followed. An end-to-end journey from Circular Quay to Randwick takes over 50 minutes, meaning the average speed is 11.16 kilometres per hour - only marginally faster than the average jogging speed of an adult.

Labor has claimed these speeds are the slowest in the world.

I decided to test the light rail out for myself to see if it really was as bad as reported. I tapped on at High Street, Randwick just after 10am. My first thoughts were that it was nicer than a bus.

I have spent a lot of time on buses over the years and they are truly horrible things; noisy, smelly metal boxes, stuffed full of glumfaced plebs, coughing and spluttering all over each other as they get shuttled to jobs they hate.

But you don’t have to deal with these horrors on the light rail, because each vehicle can carry 450 passengers - the equivalent of nine buses. The cabins are spacious, modern and air-conditioned, and the large windows allow you to take in our beautiful city during the journey.

There is also plenty of time to enjoy the sites, because the light rail is as slow as reported. In fact, it feels as if you’re on a roller coaster crawling to the peak of its track, but you don’t get to enjoy the exhilarating descent that would usually follow.

Then there are the painfully long stops. I’ve spent less time waiting on the tarmac in a Jetstar aircraft than I have at each of the light rail stops. This is all compounded by the fact that we seem to have no priority at any of the traffic lights.

Transport for NSW says the reason the tram is so slow is to allow distracted shoppers time to adjust to the trams’ presence.

It is also looking to improve the journey time towards 40 minutes - still slower than the current buses. Randwick, Clovelly and Coogee residents must be hoping it will do a bit better than that though, because the light rail will be the main transport option into the city when the buses are axed shortly.

It’s 10.24am and I’m still stuck on George Street. Apparently “technical issues” are to blame.

A few people have jumped off in a huff, but given my duty to you I have decided to give it another 20 minutes before I join them.

I’ve also decided to use my time productively and finish this story while I’m waiting. Here are my concluding thoughts: I’m not too worried about the light rail breaking down. Firstly, the thing doesn’t go fast enough for any mechanical issue to be a real danger to anyone and, secondly, it’s new, and all new operations are going to experience teething problems. But the speed.

The speed is a serious issue.

The government has said that safety concerns are the reason for the sloth-like pace, but I don’t think this is worth worrying about. Sydney already has a problem with entitled pedestrians expecting cars to stop for them as if they are cute little ducklings. If the light rail were to ‘nudge’ just one of these clowns, I guarantee that others would be more cautious around the tracks - problem solved.

For the record, the tram got moving again after 21 minutes. I was not on it.

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WOMEN’S CRICKET The ICC Women’s T20 World Cup was a huge success, with over 90,000 attending the grand final at the Sydney Cricket Ground. The Aussies defeated India by a whopping 85 runs to secure the title.

BRONTE BOARDRIDERS The boys from Bronte took out the South New South Wales teams surfing title last month and are off to the Aussies in early April. Best of luck boys!

LIVE MUSIC The local live music scene seems to be experiencing somewhat of a resurgence.

Keep an eye out for up-and-coming rock fourpiece GullyDays in particular.

DR GREG LEVENSTON After forty years of dedicated service to the local community, the Eastern Suburbs’ favourite doctor is leaving Bronte Medical Centre to enjoy his retirement.

CHEAP FLIGHTS Despite the health risk, there’s never been a better time to fly.

THUMBS DOWN MASS HYSTERIA Settle down people, the world’s not going to end just yet. As long as you can wipe your arse with a piece of the finest 4-ply, you’ll be fine.

CORONAVIRUS We are all going to die. Stockpile dunny paper, lock yourself in and panic!

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April 2020 The Beast 33

April 2020 Monday

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Solar in Strata Workshop Join this free workshop on solar power in strata buildings hosted

by Waverley Council from 6.30-8pm this evening at Bondi Pavilion Theatre. Hear from the experts about key considerations for installing solar power on strata blocks. Please book at solarinstrata.eventbrite.com.au.

Secret Men’s Business Dinner Layne Beachley and Tony Squires will be helping to raise $120,000 to support rural women being treated at The Royal Hospital for Women, tonight at the Secret Men’s Business dinner in the Ivy Ballroom.

For more information, email chrissy@royalwomen.org.au.

Learn Something New Based in the Eastern Suburbs, City East Community College offers a huge range of courses for people wishing to learn a new skill or try something different. For the course list and more information, please visit cec.edu.au and use discount code ‘BEAST’ for 10 per cent off.

Join Waverley Bushcare Join like-minded locals and help make a difference to one of Waverley’s special green spaces. You’ll learn about native plants and wildlife and enjoy the benefits of time spent in nature. No experience is necessary. For more information, visit waverley.nsw.gov.au.

Join Randwick Bushcare Keen to do something positive for your local environment? You should join a bushcare group.

There’s a group for Malabar Beach, McIver’s Ladies Pool, Maroubra Dunes, the Prince Henry Centre and Gordons Bay Reserve. For meeting times, visit randwick.nsw.gov.au.

Sydney Family Show The Sydney Family Show ticks all the boxes for a family day out, with carnival rides, an animal nursery, show-bags, a reptile show, a circus and many special performances. It's on from today until April 26 at The Entertainment Quarter. Please visit sydneyfamilyshow.com.au.

Allen Stone at the Enmore With a new album to share, following an incredible 2019 tour which still has his fans talking, soul and R&B singer Allen Stone is making a highly anticipated return to the Enmore Theatre this evening. For tickets and information, please visit enmoretheatre.com.au.

Potts Point Big Band Michael Griffin’s epic 8-piece band, comprising some of Australia’s best musicians, will be performing on level 1 of the Potts Point Hotel every second week from 7.30-10pm. The amazing Taya Chani will be joining them this evening. Go see them, they’re bloody good.

Poetry Slam As part of Randwick Council’s kids’ school holidays program, Poetry Slam will be held from 10-11am today at Margaret Martin Library, Randwick. Kids will come up with their own rhymes and verses using the theme ‘A City of Tomorrow’.

Visit randwick.nsw.gov.au.

Bondi Junction Markets Discover art, fashion, jewellery, delicious food and more from 9am-5pm every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday under the shades at Oxford Street Mall, Bondi Junction. Rain, hail or shine, they’ve got you covered!

For more information, visit thejunctionmarkets.com.au.

ONJ: The Cabaret Peer behind the curtain of the amazing life of Aussie sweetheart Olivia Newton-John as Jaime Hadwen laces her roller skates, brushes off her leather jacket and prepares to get physical with all your favourite ONJ hits. It’s on tonight from 6.30pm at Claire’s Kitchen at le Salon.

Randwick Recycling Tour Randwick Council will be holding one of its regular tours of the Randwick Recycling Centre this morning from 9.45am at 72 Perry Street, Matraville. Find out what happens to your recyclables after collection and learn why it’s important to recycle right. Bookings are essential.

Dermot Kennedy Back in the country for his biggest Australian shows to date, Irish gem ​Dermot Kennedy​has celebrated the release of his long-awaited debut album ​Without Fear​by locking in a run of epic shows, including April 28 and 29 at the Enmore Theatre.

Please visit secretsounds.com.

Last Night of the Proms Inspired by the classical music world’s wildest party, the Last Night is a time for music-lovers to unite in a raucous appreciation of favourites like Parry’s Jerusalem and Elgar’s Land of Hope and Glory. It’s on tonight at Sydney Town Hall. Please visit sydneysymphony.com.

Sydney Comedy Festival Sydney’s biggest annual comedy event kicks off today and runs until May 17. This year’s program features performances from the finest Australian acts, the biggest international stars and the most promising emerging talent. For more info, please visit sydneycomedyfest.com.au.

Sydney Writers’ Festival Each year, Sydney Writers’ Festival presents more than 300 events, attracting audiences of up to 100,000 for a week-long conversation of books and ideas. This year’s festival will run from today until May 3. For more information, please visit swf.org.au.

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Randwick Council Meeting All residents are welcome to attend the Ordinary Council Meeting from 6-9pm on the 4th Tuesday of each month at the Council Chambers on the 1st floor of Randwick Town Hall.

The agenda for each meeting is available on Council’s website at randwick.nsw.gov.au.

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An Evening of Tom Waits Songs Stewart D’Arrietta & band return with a revival of the fivestar Tom Waits show Belly Of A Drunken Piano, this evening from 7.30pm at Bondi Pavilion Theatre. You don’t have to be a Tom Waits fan, but you probably will be after this. To get tickets, visit oztix.com.au.

Good Friday The Friday before Easter is the day on which Christians annually observe the commemoration of the crucifixion of Jesus.

Good Friday was observed as a day of sorrow, penance and fasting. In modern times most of the day is spent stuck in traffic trying to get out of Sydney.

Surftag Aussie Championships The boys from Bronte Boardriders will be heading to the Surftag Australian Championships today to compete for the ultimate title. The competition will take place today and tomorrow at Queenscliff Beach.

For more information, please visit globalsurftag.com.

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Coogee Island Challenge Coogee will transform into a mass of swim caps taking on the Coogee Island Challenge.

Take your pick from events including the 2.4 kilometre swim.

To register, visit facebook.com/ CoogeeIslandChallenge. Then get to the SCG to see the Roosters play the Titans from 6.15pm.

Sydney Swans v Carlton Celebrate the sacrifices Jesus made for us by watching the Sydney Swans take on the Carlton Blues today at the SCG. Swannies arvo games are the ultimate family bonding ritual.

First bounce is at 1.10pm. For tickets and info, please visit sydneycricketground.com.au.

Marine & Coastal Discovery Randwick Council’s Marine & Coastal Discovery Program runs from April 17-21. Be part of the action this school holidays with hands-on learning experiences at locations along Randwick’s spectacular coastline. Bookings are essential. Please visit randwick.nsw.gov.au.

The Sydney Derby The fine young men of the mighty Sydney Swans will take on the Greater Western Sydney Giants tonight from 7.10pm at the SCG in what is fast becoming the clash of the season. To purchase tickets and for more information, please visit sydneycricketground.com.au.

Bondi Mermaids Exhibition Celebrate 60 years of the Bondi Mermaids with a gathering at North Bondi today and an exhibition in Waverley Library, which will run until April 26 and feature art, music, walks, storytelling and, of course, mermaids. Please visit waverley. nsw.gov.au/bondimermaids.

Food Addicts Meetings This morning, Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) is hosting one of its twice-weekly meetings, which are held every Wednesday at 7pm and Friday at 10am at Salvation Army Hall, 100 Boyce Road, Maroubra.

Please call 1800 717 446 or visit foodaddicts.org.

Anzac Day (and Rugby League) Take the time to commemorate the brave Aussies and New Zealanders who served and died in wars, conflicts and peacekeeping operations to preserve our way of life. The Roosters will be taking on the Dragons from 4pm at the SCG. Please visit sydneycricketground.com.au.

Bondi Sunday Markets Every Sunday from 9am to 4pm at Bondi Beach Public School you’ll find clothing from up-and-coming designers, handmade jewellery, exotic imports, retro-chic furniture, vinyl records, homewares, one-off vintage pieces and more. Please visit bondimarkets.com.au.

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Plumber Steve Kova Local Plumber P: 0414 885 675 Plumber Lars Olsson Reliable and local P: 0414 627 052 Builder Mark Potocki Against The Grain P: 0415 688 562 Rubbish Removal Alfy Issa Alfy's Truck P: 0411 216 103 Builder/Carpenter Glen Keene Precise Plan P: 0458 442 622 Painter Brett Dooley Nielson Dooley P: 0404 888 089 BBQ Caterer Wardy Wardy & Sons P: 0414 293 396 Concreter Jay Rodney Oceanside P: 0411 989 565 Plumber Michael Grimshaw Pipe Up Plumbing P: 0415 493 706 Locksmith Bradley Rope SOS Locksmiths P: 0498 767 767 Electrician Adrian Langen Langen Electrical P: 0400 006 008

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Arborist Jeff Hunt Prompt Trees P: 0412 280 338

Email your resumé to james@thebeast.com.au

QUINN DARRAGH LUKE STEWART PUSHING THEIR LIMITS

Interview James Hutton Pictures Yianni Aspradakis Instagram @yianni_photography

We've been lucky to meet some incredible humans since launching The Beast over fifteen years ago, wonderful people from all walks of life. Among these are members of our local community doing amazing things to help others, and Bronte's Quinn Darragh and Luke Stewart are two exceptional cases...

How are you both this morning? Luke Very well thanks. A bit tired, a bit sore from all the training, but otherwise good, in good spirits. It's Friday, it's been a big week. Quinn You just had a swim then? Luke Yeah, I just had a swim at Cloey. A meeting got cancelled, so I thought, "Right, here's an opportunity, I can bag half an hour, straight into Cloey." I did a kilometre and a half, maybe two. There was a bit of water moving, lots of debris, good fun. Quinn Blueys? Luke No blueys. Blueys are attracted to me though, I've had plenty of experience over the last six months with blueys.

You're both born and bred right here? Quinn Yeah, Bayview Street, Bronte, ever since I can remember. Dad owned the Charing Cross Hotel initially, that's where I was born.

Your old man owned the Charo?

Quinn Yeah, that's right. That was back in the day, when the judges used to drink with the criminals and they'd go to the Downing Centre and all drink at the same pub and then go back to work together. Dad only told me this just before he died, when he was quite crook. We always said, "Why didn't you keep the Charo?

We would have loved to have grown up and still had that pub."

He said there was a massive fight that broke out one night and it was mayhem, the police were involved and everything. They were all well known, some of the characters that he mentioned.

I'd seen them in some of the Underbelly episodes. The reason he sold was because one of the criminals came back and said, "I know your three boys sleep upstairs, so be careful what you say." That was enough. He said,

"Time to move." Then we moved.

Mum and Dad had the Hewlett Street shop after that, it was a post office as well back then.

The one near the bus stop?

Quinn Yeah, next to the park.

They eventually moved down to Bayview Street. That's all I can remember, from about two or three years of age.

How old were you when your dad sold the Charo? Quinn I think I was three.

Do you remember it? Quinn My eldest brother remembers everything about it but I don't remember much. I know where the bedrooms were. If you look from the street they're on the corner up top, but I was too young to remember.

Where Gherkin used to live?

Quinn Yes, exactly where Gherkin used to live. That was my bedroom. I had a bassinet where Gherkin used to live. Where he used to sleep, that's where I slept.

"It's a special place.

You've got the beach, Bronte Baths, and the train, which is iconic. It goes straight from the beach to grass, and then into a rainforest with the gully. It's an unbelievable place."

What about you Luke? Luke I went to Cloey Public, and then went to Sydney Boys for a couple of years. Then we moved to the country, to Deniliquin, for four years of high school and part of the year afterwards for Dad's work. He was putting together land and water management plans for the Murray-Darling Basin. That's where I had the formative years of my life. I went to the little state school there, mum taught there. My brother Gav came with us and my sister Lyndall stayed in Sydney to finish high school at St Catherine's.

You've definitely got a bit of country twang in the accent...

Luke It was unreal, honestly. It was really good for me.

Was Deni a rough joint? Luke No, not really. If you didn't play sport you'd be in trouble, because there wasn't too much else to do. When I went there I was sort of a surfy kid. People wanted to fight me at the beginning, because I was the new kid in town, so I learned to box there early on. My footy coach taught me how to box, and an old fellow that used to fight in the Sharman tents, he used to go around to the different towns.

They're the toughest blokes in the world... Luke His knuckles used to sit back near his wrist.

That was a lifetime ago.

How long have you two known each other? Did you know each other before you went to Deni?

Luke No, but we had mutual friends when we were probably 18 or 19. When I came back from the country I fell in with the boys as my core group of mates.

It's a good crew... Quinn And married one of our mate's sisters.

Luke Yes, I did that too.

Whose sister? Luke Benny Quigley's sister.

Oh, you're married to Quigley's sister? Luke Yeah.

How many sisters has he got?

Luke Two. Quinn And Nick Bardetta's married to Ash. Luke That's right.

The Quigley family have been good to you blokes... Luke Yeah, they have. Quinn Very good!

What are your fondest memories of your childhoods? Quinn Probably on our mornings off from swimming, being so close to the beach that you could hear the waves and you could tell how big it was from the sets breaking, how far apart they were and how loud it was, through the bedroom window. Luke I loved playing cricket in the street with the big wheelie bins as the wicket, and just the community and knowing kids from all different sports.

Just that sense of community, hanging out with all different people from different places.

Do you think the changes around this area have been for the better? Quinn I don't think it's better or worse. I just think it's the evo-

April 2020 The Beast 37

lution of a spot on the coast that is so beautiful. These days there's a lot more wealth in the area, but the landscape that drew my dad to Bronte is still the same. He just made it his mission to get to that spot. My grandmother lived on the other half of this semi, 21 Bayview Street, then when the other side came up for sale Dad was just onto it. It had to be completely rebuilt, which he did with the help of another builder.

It's a special place. You've got the beach, Bronte Baths, and the train, which is iconic. It goes straight from the beach to a park, and then into a rainforest with the gully. It's an unbelievable place. My grandmother bought her place for $22,000, and that was the most blue ribbon street.

"Another great thing about Bondi is you can ocean swim there by yourself and not worry about getting eaten by a shark."

What year was that? Quinn It was way back in 1969 when she bought her place. The Eastern Suburbs was very blue collar back then. Things were a lot cheaper, but wages were a lot lower as well. It's still not as expensive in comparison to now, but I think the same thing that drew those people, like my parents, to the area at the time, it's just made everything more popular. The only way you've got a fighting chance now is if you do have a lot of money, which is a bit unfortunate.

Or if your parents are rich... Luke I think our group of mates, we all lived at home until we were much older than what probably happened in the generation before, because that's what we needed to do to save for a mortgage. It's an evolution. Things change over time. That's just the nature of things. But this is God's country.

Some of our best friends have moved away, in part for financial reasons, no doubt about it. Once

38 The Beast April 2020

you've got a family, you want a bit more space and all that sort of stuff. That's not fantastic. Quinn Yeah, I suppose it's trying to hold on to that sense of community, that small town feel that Bronte did have back in the day. There's lots of people defending Bronte against high-rise and becoming like Bondi. It's just unfortunate that there's so much history down there, for me personally, that these people that I grew up with and were formative in my life growing up, some have moved away to try to find the Bronte of forty years ago.

What can we do to improve the Eastern Suburbs? If you were running a communist regime, what would you do? Quinn Put statues of Luke everywhere.

Luke The thing that I love most is the natural environment. So, being able to access that easily is important. What I would change is how much you've got to pay for parking around the place. It's crazy, to take my son for a surf at Bondi you're looking at around $16 in parking for a two-hour surf.

And the rest... Luke To me, that's pretty crazy how that's been introduced across the beaches.

I love my coffee, and I love that there's awesome coffee shops around the place. It's so competitive. If you don't make a good coffee, you won't last very long.

Quinn Campbell Parade needs a massive overhaul.

A bulldozer overhaul... Quinn That's right, they need to start that again. No amount of lipstick can make that pig look pretty.

Luke That's a good point. I reckon Clovelly and Bronte are still two community hubs. And then you've got Bondi, which is quite transient. You still have your locals at Bondi, but you get all your backpacker inflow and that sort of thing, and it's pretty crazy. Coogee's similar as well. I still think there's a great sense of community around here, and that would be nice to keep. Quinn If you look at the natural coastline, Bondi is just beautiful, the shape of it, the fact that it faces south.

It's such a magic place, but our

footprint is very ugly. I lived on Beach Road for a number of years and you could just tell there's no pride from the landlords in their properties. It's all about extracting as much money as you can from renters and then not really putting anything back in to beautify the area. That's unfortunate, because it's an opportunity to have the most iconic beach in the country - the most known beach - something to actually be proud of. Once you turn around and you're not facing the beach it's just a massive dropped ball.

Some of the blocks of apartments look like they were designed by a communist architect, and you know that some dodgy dealings went down to get those things off the ground. It's a shame.

Don't you think we're lucky to have the choice between KFC, McDonalds and Hungry Jacks?

Quinn Oh, 100 per cent! As a lifeguard, being that close to the beach and to be able to walk across and watch this beautiful sea of polystyrene and straws and rubbish that just gets left on the sand each day, it's just absolutely disgusting. Luke It's embarrassing.

They should step up and just ban single-use plastics... Luke Another great thing about Bondi is you can ocean swim there by yourself and not worry about getting eaten by a shark. You can just jump out there and off you go. Except the other day, about three weeks ago, there was a fair bit of swell and Quinno and I had to swim a long way out. It was murky and there were little bits of weed in the water and the clarity wasn't great. We were swimming over this huge dark patch and it started to move a little bit, then a little bit more. I was going, "Oh f*ck, I'm over a bait ball here."

Quinn Biggest bait ball I've ever seen. Luke I just shot off towards the sand and the next thing I see Quinn sort of doing this big, dog stroke out the back. "What about that f*cking bait ball!"

You may as well just be a piece of sashimi... Luke 100 per cent, it was just a bit of salmon sashimi for me. I was just in there think-

The latest from Randwick City Council about living in this great city

Randwick News If you’ve visited Coogee Beach recently you may have noticed our new digital signboards letting you know real-time conditions at the beach.

This includes information on water and air temperature, the current UV rating, when high and low tide will occur, water quality and any other conditions you may need to be aware of such as rips or the presence of bluebottles.

We’ve done this as part of our Smart City strategy, which uses technology to ensure we’re a connected community. We believe that technology can improve the way people live so we’re constantly looking for innovative ways to be more techsavvy when we deliver our services.

Our Development Application process has recently gone paperless as well. Residents lodging a DA no longer need to supply paper copies of the application and supporting documents. Rather, all documentation must be submitted digitally on a USB stick. Going paper-free will not only save people time and effort, it will also do a lot to look after our environment and reduce our paper consumption.

Digital DAs can still be lodged in person at Randwick’s Customer Service Centre and there will be no change to the way Council notifies people about DAs in their area.

The new signs at Coogee and the paperless DA lodgement are two more initiatives that put people first and allow us to become a leader in the delivery of services through digital channels.

What’s On 1 APRIL SPANISH BOOK CLUB

1.30pm, Lionel Bowen Library 669-673 Anzac Parade, Maroubra

3 APRIL FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIES: BUENA VISTA SOCIAL CLUB 6.30pm, Lionel Bowen Library 669-673 Anzac Parade, Maroubra

4 APRIL MAROUBRA’S MONSTER BOOK SALE 9.30am – 4pm

Lionel Bowen Library, 669-673 Anzac Parade, Maroubra

15 APRIL KID’S AUTUMN SCHOOL HOLIDAY ACTIVITIES: POETRY SLAM 10am, Margaret

Martin Library, Level 1, Royal Randwick Shopping Centre, Belmore Road, Randwick

17 APRIL FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIES: TAMPOPO 6.30pm, Lionel

Bowen Library, 669-673 Anzac Parade, Maroubra

23 APRIL TOUR OF RANDWICK RECYCLING CENTRE 9.45am

72 Perry Street Matraville Bookings essential

25 APRIL ANZAC DAY SERVICE

Councillor Danny Said Mayor of Randwick

5.30am, Goldstein Reserve, Coogee Beach

1300 722 542 randwick.nsw.gov.au

ing I just do not want to be confused with any of these fish here.

Have you seen any sharks during all your swims? Quinn I've seen them surfing and I actually didn't feel that threatened, but I was sitting on a board. I've seen them swim just straight under me like that. They looked like they had somewhere to be, they didn't seem interested in me. In the water, just swimming, knowing how slow a human is compared to a shark, that's a worry.

Quinn, you're a Bondi Rescue reality TV star... Quinn As my wife Sheree says, I'm an extra.

I'm in the background generally.

They're filming the whole time.

You're rigged up and there's cameras and all that, and obviously I'm doing plenty of rescues.

Intermittently they'll make the show, but there's so much that ends up on cutting room floor and all my greatest moments are there. If they ever do an outtakes I'd be featured heavily.

Has the show had an impact on your life? Would you say it's changed your life in any way?

Quinn No, not really. I mean, what I like about it is, for the guys that are full-time, they can actually make a living on the side from that. I like that.

Guys like Reidy have worked hard and taken advantage of the opportunity... Quinn Yeah, exactly. Reidy is worth his weight in gold, he's the most generous guy. He saw the opportunity for what it was and worked hard. He didn't just sit there, he did the work marketing himself and now he's essentially transcended the show. He's an MC, he works on radio, he commentates...

And he's good at it... Quinn And he's good. He's engaging, he's fun. I did the Red Bull Defiance Race with him and that was one of the most brutal things of all time. He's there with the GoPro, laughing and commentating while we're just in the most suffering condition you could be in.

I've just got my face hanging like a horse, and he's there smiling and saying, "Hey Quinno, how's it going?" It's almost annoying how he can just embrace the hurt

40 The Beast April 2020

and be able to commentate at the same time. The other good thing is it does actually teach some sort of CPR, and I have heard of people that have learnt it from the show, just by watching it and being interested in it, and that has a positive effect. I think it's a positive thing all round. I think it's been good and it's defied time.

It's been 15 years... Quinn Every year they say it's the last year and then it just gets legs again and keeps coming back, it's a good show.

Luke, you lead a double life as this beachy, knockabout guy, but you've also established this kickarse professional services firm... Luke I've always been driven and I've always enjoyed challenges. I saw an opportunity to start an environmental planning consulting firm with another gent about twelve years ago. At the time, I had a big mortgage, we'd just bought our first place and didn't have any money in the bank, and we'd just had Cooper.

I thought, "Right, I think we can really make this work."

"You can have the best strategy in the world, but if you don't have the culture to execute, then it's worthless."

How old were you? Luke I was 31. I'm 43 now. We gave it a good crack. We had confidence in our skills and were extremely driven, and away we went. We've now got over 200 full-time people and seven offices and provide pretty much all environmental planning services. There's two founders of the initial firm and there's two founders of another firm that we joined forces with 18 months in. I think we had eight people and they had six, and now there's three major shareholders in the company. It's called EMM Consulting.

What's your website? Luke It's www.emmconsulting.com.au.

What's fantastic about that is it's a great platform to have a posi-

tive influence, and we're creating an environment where people can thrive, not just professionally but personally. It's something I'm very passionate about. We're great at what we do, but it's bigger than that. We genuinely care about our people, and you only get one shot at life so I want to help people realise their potential through the company and also do good through that.

You're still loving it after 12 years? Luke To be honest with you, there are times when it's overwhelming, no doubt about it. It sounds cliched, but I'm surrounded by great people that I learn from and draw inspiration from every day. It's so full on. It's a pressure environment, it's a consulting firm - where's the next job coming from? Once you've got an opportunity, it's about winning it. Then you've got to deliver the best possible service and product. When you've got all these people and they've got families, you know, there's pressure.

Do you ever find yourself morally conflicted, when you're doing an environmental impact statement, for example? Luke No. The worst thing that we could do for our clients, and our company, is to not be transparent and use scientificbased information as part of that.

I mean, morally you wouldn't do it, but there are agencies that sit above all the different environmental aspects. There's the community, the stakeholders, the independent reviews...

There's people checking on you?

Luke Yeah, all the way through.

You just wouldn't do it, you'd be crazy to. I'll say one more thing about work: Culture eats strategy for breakfast... culture eats strategy for breakfast!

Did you coin that phrase? Luke My chairman and I bounce it off each other. You can have the best strategy in the world, but if you don't have the culture to execute, then it's worthless.

How do you go about creating a good culture? Luke Well, we're a values led firm, so the key is you make decisions and your actions must be in accordance with

Mayor’s Message Street play trial I am very excited to announce that we will be trialling a new street play initiative in Waverley.

Participating streets will be closed to traffic each Sunday afternoon to allow for children and families to play and socialise safely. This program will utilise our outdoor spaces and bring communities closer together. To learn more, see the news section on our website.

Bronte Surf Club and Community Facilities Building upgrade Waverley Councillors have endorsed the Council to develop Option 4 of the Bronte Surf Club and Community Facilities Building upgrade to concept design suitable for Stage 2 community consultation in April.

This project received funding from the Australian Government and the NSW Government. Feedback from this consultation will help inform the final design. Once the Council and the Surf Club are satisfied with the final design, the Council expects to lodge a development application in July. See our website for more.

North Bondi Surf Life Saving Club Advanced Response Lifesaving Facility Waverley Council in partnership with North Bondi Surf Life Saving Club is building an advanced response lifesaving facility to improve volunteer surf lifesaving services at North Bondi. The new storage facility being built under the promenade at North Bondi will give surf club lifesavers direct access to the sand. This project received funding from the Australian

Government and the NSW Government. The North Bondi amenities block and Council’s beach gym will remain open during construction. The promenade and showers near the surf club will be closed for the duration of construction and pedestrian detours will be in place.

The nearest showers are located above North Bondi kid’s pool. To learn more, visit waverley.nsw. gov.au/NBSLSCtunnel

Overnight parking We have endorsed for public exhibition a new monthly overnight parking permit fee for Waverley residents at Hollywood Avenue Car Park, Bondi Junction.

Residents will soon be able to apply for a monthly pass to park in the secure car park at a discounted

rate between the hours of 5pm–9am. For more, see the news section of our website.

Paula Masselos, Mayor of Waverley

Events Summer Daze Sunday 5 April, 4–10pm Bondi Pavilion Bar (upstairs) Join us for Summer Daze, a taste of the past and future of Bondi Pavilion. There will be live music by Dan Mac’s (Art vs Science) The Swirly Train, refreshing drinks and great views of Bondi Beach from 4–10pm at Bondi Pavilion Bar. Celebrate the best of Bondi Pavilion before it closes in May for restoration works.

For more information, visit waverley.nsw.gov.au/events

Ph: 9083 8000 | waverley.nsw.gov.au | Stay in touch: waverley.nsw.gov.au/subscribe Waverley Customer Service Centre: 55 Spring Street, Bondi Junction.

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your purpose, your vision and values. That's non-negotiable.

Whether it's a new recruit at any level, whether it's, "Do we take this project on or not?" as long as you're acting in accordance with this, and everyone's signed up for that - and you call people out on it when they don't do it - then that culture provides you the best opportunity as the firm grows. That's crucial. As the firm grows, you want to keep that, you want to build on it. You get lost otherwise. It's so multidimensional, multifaceted, that if you don't have key points of reference, things to hang your hat on, I don't know how you'd do it.

You'd burn out.

Let's talk about this swim...

You two are going to swim from England to France? You're planning on swimming the English Channel? Why? Quinn Yeah, it's a very good question. I think, for me personally, I need big, scary goals to be motivated.

You're 42 years-old now Quinn?

Quinn Yeah, I'm 42 years-old.

This is kind of like the Mount Everest of swimming, and I think the stat is that more people have climbed Mount Everest than swum across the English Channel, so there's always been, in the back of my mind, a massive amount of respect for anyone who attempts it. I've got a swimming background, but my body type is a challenge for this swim, and that gets me out of bed and gets me eating.

Why is that? You don't have enough body fat? Quinn I'm lean, yeah, so that's a bit of a challenge. Luke And the cold. What about the cold, mate? Quinn That's it, yeah. The cold, that's a big, key part of it. I just think the drive for all this goes back to my childhood. Growing up, I think what both parents instilled in me was a rock-solid work ethic.

I watched my dad work two and three jobs. Mum worked two jobs as well. All the getting up and taking us to swimming training too. They worked hard so my brothers, Sean and Larn, and I could grow up in Bronte and be educated at Waverley College,

42 The Beast April 2020

because they knew it was a great school. I also remember Dad, he would say quietly before a race, "Take no prisoners," you know?

Which just means do your best.

And he would reward effort, not results. I think that really kind of echoed in my ears when I got sick with the Crohn's.

Can we talk about that? Quinn I was married to Sheree, we had Xavier on the way, our first son.

I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease when I was twelve years-old, which is an inflammatory bowel disease. That then turned into high grade dysplasia, which is basically precancerous changes in the cells. The gastro surgeon was telling me, "This is 100 per cent turning into cancer.

You either get your whole large bowel taken out or this flicks off into your liver, and then we'll be having a different conversation, we're not talking about surgery, we're talking about something else." I just said, "Look, wait until Xavier's born. I want to wait until I see my first son before you do this." I tried alternative therapies for a while, when I came back and it was worse. I was just trying everything to get to the point of not having to have the surgery, because they said that I have to have a colostomy bag. I've got a full time job with Stryker - I've been working in medical devices and as a paramedic - but a lot of my time is spent at the beach and I'm a lifeguard, so my head was just spinning.

F*ck mate... Quinn So, I waited, I had the surgery, and for three months I was working on the beach with a rash vest on and not telling anyone because I didn't know if they could reverse the surgery.

You had your large intestine removed? Quinn I had my entire large intestine taken out.

And you had a colostomy bag?

Quinn I had a bag, I had a colostomy bag for three months.

You worked on the beach as a lifeguard with the colostomy bag and no one even knew?

Quinn I didn't want to tell anyone because I was just so self conscious about it.

How old were you then? Quinn This was in 2014.

I can't believe you managed to keep that on the downlow the whole time... Quinn Yeah, I know, I kept it just to myself. I didn't know if it could be reversed and I wasn't really ready to accept it or deal with it. And I was thinking, "How can I be attractive to Sheree?" I just remember, she was like, "I do not care about that one bit." I just remember how good she made me feel. Such a legend, a massive overachievement on my behalf! So, my baby's born, I go to hospital, I have this huge surgery and I'm getting visited with my newborn baby and I'm in Royal Prince Alfred Hospital and I'm full of drugs and looking a bit like an ice addict. I said to Sheree, "Let's go for a coffee, babe," and it was so embarrassing for her, I had all these fluid and medicine bags hanging off me and stuff, and then I would walk up the street and see a little baby. "Hello little baby, I've got a baby too." And they were scared of me.

"I'm sitting in the hospital with Xavier, and that's when I thought, this is probably the lowest I've been in my life and I want my story to be different to this."

Because you were so morphed up? Quinn Yeah, I was so morphined up. Then I went back in, finally got out, and three months later went back in and had the second round of surgery. They do a thing called a J-pouch, which is so your small intestine does the work of everything. They were able to put everything back inside. But then I got complications with that as well. I got sent home, and then I get sepsis. Sheree's a nurse, but she's also pretty tough.

I'm sweating through clothes like this and I can barely move.

She's like, "You've just had an operation, of course you're not

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April 2020 The Beast 43

going to be feeling well." I said, "No, something's not right." I was hallucinating, and then she finds me on the floor in the bathroom and I couldn't get up. I said, "Oh babe, you're going to have to call an ambulance." She goes, "I'll take you to the GP." I peel myself off the floor, go to the GP, he just looks at me and calls an ambulance straight away.

You had sepsis? Quinn Yeah, I had sepsis. I went back in and had another three days in the hospital. When I was in for the reconstruction I had an ileus, which is like a blockage in the bowel. I was in the hospital for that and no pain medication would work. I'm sitting in the hospital with Xavier, and that's when I thought, this is probably the lowest I've been in my life and I want my story to be different to this. I had this overwhelming memory of my dad and what he had instilled in me, and how much I respected him, and I wanted that from my son. So, I just thought, "Well, at least if I'm ever telling him in the future, 'You can do this, you can overcome this, that and the other,' you know, I don't want him to say, "What would you know?

What have you ever done?" That was the moment when I decided to enter the Melbourne Ironman.

Eleven months after that surgery, the lifeguards - Whippet, Reidy, Bacon, myself, Bagus and Bisho, but Bisho got crook the night before and couldn't race - all went down there and did the Melbourne Ironman. I got to carry Xavier across the finish line. I remember thinking to myself, "Okay, this is the right story."

That was 11 months after you had your last surgery? Quinn Yeah, it was a quick turnaround.

So they've been able to fix pretty much everything? Quinn Yeah, I'm very lucky.

You don't have the bag anymore?

Quinn No, I don't have the bag anymore. They took out a lot.

They took out the whole thing.

It's just the small intestine there now, but because they took it out, and that was the area that was affected, essentially that's how they

44 The Beast April 2020

cure you. Obviously I don't have much left in there now, so I can't really lose any more, because where do you go from there?

I've known you for well over ten years and I never knew any of this stuff... Quinn I know. I suppose it's just... why do you tell that story and how do you tell that story? So, that was the story. But that was just motivation for me as well. That's where a lot of this comes from, and I think Luke's very similar. He's a phenomenal father and has values that are very much aligned between the two of us, in how we want our kids to grow up and to look at us. I like them going and seeing me do exercise or compete. I'm not breaking any world records or anything like that, but if there's big challenges that they see me do, then I just want that to rub off. Luke Yeah, it gives them confidence and shows them it's all about having a go, just having a crack.

"I've had ice baths for a number of years and I've meditated for a number of years so I feel like my head will be okay."

Luke, I suppose Quinn probably motivates you a lot, after hearing that... Luke Oh, for sure. Look, I just want to see what I can do with this life. You only get one, so I just want to give it a crack, and I think it's really positive role modelling for our kids, their friends, the team at work - if you prioritise you will find the time.

That's a huge challenge, to still perform your role in business and with your family and your friends, and also find the time to train. Quinn's very humble, and just to reflect on our friendship, and why it's so good feeding off each other, we did a Vladswim, a 10 kilometre race, probably a month ago, and that's the furthest I'd raced. I'm not from a swimming background.

So you're not one of these guys

that goes and wins the Bondi to Bronte... Luke No, definitely not.

You would consider yourself an average swimmer? Luke Oh, 100 per cent yes. I'm not from a swimming background and I'd never done a squad session until this year, and that's part of the challenge for me. In the Vladswim, you know, 10 kilometres is all right. Come on, you can do that. You punch it out and it feels pretty good. The tide had changed and was running pretty strong by the time I finished, but I got it done and I get onto the beach and Quinn's standing there under the finish line, massive smile on his face, cheering me on. It makes you feel good. "Well done Lukey. Yeah, you've done it.

That's awesome mate, fantastic." I go, "Quinn, how'd you go, mate? How'd you go?" He goes, "Oh, yeah, I went pretty well." I repeated, "How'd you go?" He said, "Oh, I won. I won the whole thing." He came first in the whole race.

He won the first Bondi to Bronte ever, didn't he? Luke Yeah, I know. But he would never brag.

He made me feel like I'd won it, and that's a real friend. I probably came in last. But that's just Quinn. I smiled, put my arm around him and we high-fived, and then we probably had brekkie and a bloody Mary, or a beer or something.

If you went and attempted this Channel swim now, would you make it? Luke No, no way in the world.

You've got five months to prepare? What do you have to do? Luke For me, it's technique, trying to improve my technique, so I get it more efficient while I get the kilometres up at the same time. A lot depends on the water temperature and currents we get, but I feel confident around that.

I've had ice baths for a number of years and I've meditated for a number of years so I feel like my head will be okay. Who knows when I get there. For me, it's around technique. Quinn There's a real chance that both of us won't get across. It's not an easy swim. Better swimmers than

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me have attempted it and not crossed.

It's not just a matter of having the money and going overseas and saying, "I'm going to do this..." Quinn No, not at all. Luke No, a lot depends on the conditions. Quinn It's actually going to be f*cking hard. Luke Personally, if I don't get across, I'll be back as soon as possible to do it again, and I'll keep going until I get it done. Quinn We'll have to get dragged out, for sure.

What's the water temperature?

Quinn It'll probably be between 15 and 17 degrees, if we're lucky.

And you can't wear wetties?

Quinn No, you can't wear wetties.

Just in Speedos? Quinn It's a fully ratified swim with an official on the boat. They make sure you don't touch the boat. You get your food handed to you on a broom pole or a dog leash, they throw it out as you're swimming. You've got to try and be quick because the currents are moving fast and you've got to roll over and drink as quick as you can, throw it back and keep swimming.

"I did hear of a guy that tried to do it by himself and just towed a little canoe with his food and stuff. They found the canoe, but not the swimmer."

Can you put some oil on? Quinn You can put some grease on. It's probably more for the jelly fish to slip off you, rather than to keep you warm. I don't know if it keeps you that warm.

And how far is it, as the crow flies? Luke As the crow flies? It's 34 kilometres.

Back in 1923, it took some poor bugger 90 kilometres because of the currents... Luke Yeah, Henry Sullivan. We're expecting to swim around 45 kilometres.

How many laps is that in a 50-metre pool? Luke I don't even want to think about it. Quinn It's a lot.

46 The Beast April 2020

Are you in one of those cages?

Quinn No, I think they used to do it in the cages, but it's probably just more of a hazard. I don't think there's sharks to worry about in that water temperature.

Could you go 90 kilometres if it was required? You don't get to sit on the boat and have a little rest?

Quinn No. Luke No. Quinn The more you stop, the more you go sideways and the further you're going to have to swim. You've got to try and stay in one direction the whole time.

Have people died? Quinn There have been a number of fatalities. I did hear of a guy that tried to do it by himself and just towed a little canoe with his food and stuff.

They found the canoe, but not the swimmer. One of the concerns is if the cold affects you but you're not showing the signs of it. You can go straight past shivering and into a state where you just drop underwater and no one can find you. It happened to a guy in the US. They need to keep a good eye on you. That's their job, that's part of why we're paying these guys.

Who is your support crew? Quinn Sheree, my wife, will be on board.

Luke Jade, my wife, Big G (Gary Flowers) who is chairman of EMM's Board, and my father-inlaw, George (Quigley). We're still trying to work out the rest.

How many do you need? Quinn You can have up to eight people.

If anyone's interested, please get in touch. I have a mate named Murph Renford who is a triple crown swimmer, I'm hoping to get him over there. He's got a young family so it will be difficult. He's been a bit of a mentor and, you know, he's the son of Des Renford, the king of the channel. Murph was the one that put the idea in my head initially. I'd love him to be on the boat, but we'll just see.

That would be a massive win. Locally, I have a very good support network with my coach Robbie Fernandez, open water specialist Vlad Mravec and decorated distance swimmers Scott and Emily Miers, Matt Fernandez, Michel Saad and Justin Hanby.

I'm also doing ice baths with Dean Gladstone.

Do you need a medic or anything like that? Quinn Well, they kind of say that you need to have someone there.

You're a paramedic, right? Quinn I was a paramedic. I'm going to have an EpiPen on board, especially after I went to the dermatologist and just found out I'm apparently allergic to cold water.

What the f*ck? Quinn I've been having a reaction to the cold.

Anything under 20 degrees, I'm getting cold urticaria. I just come out in a rash in the cold water. I think that as long as it doesn't hit your airway, you're fine. I haven't felt any airway involvement at all.

But I've got to have an EpiPen on board anyway, just in case.

How far are you guys swimming now each week? Quinn We're doing 25-30 kilometres now. It's going to increase to 40 soon, and then the occasional 50 plus.

You'll be doing 50 kilometres a week for the last month, say, before you go? Luke Yeah, it's a lot.

What date are you going over?

Quinn From September 6 to 15.

How are you going to put weight on when you're swimming 50 kilometres a week? Quinn That's exactly right. I spoke to Trent Grimsey, who holds the record for the channel, and he said he tried doing it the right way and he couldn't do it. He just ate McDonalds every day for a month before he went and he put on five kilos. I don't mind McDonalds, so I've got that up my sleeve.

You're having technique coaching at the moment, Luke? Luke Yeah.

I had a session on Wednesday with Claire Owen from Swimlab and that was awesome.

You notice the difference straight away? Luke I just know there's a lot of scope for improvement, so that's exciting. I'm getting the kilometres done, but with a pretty inefficient style. Then there's injury management too.

You guys are raising money for Sophie Smith's Running for Premature Babies; can you tell us a bit about that? Quinn My second son, Ryder, was born at 27 weeks. He was only one kilo.

He was resuscitated and everything. It was horrific. It was a

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April 2020 The Beast 47

pretty awful experience all round, but we were very fortunate how well he did, and continues to do. When we were leaving, when we finally got to take him home after three months in the NICU up at Royal Hospital for Women, we felt like we'd dodged every landmine. There was a high chance of cerebral palsy after the first 72 hours. Little babies like that can have brain bleeds pretty easily but we got through that.

Then he came out with his skin kind of peeling off a bit and they said, "Oh, this is this rare skin disease," which sounded like an absolute nightmare for the rest of his life. It turned out not to be that, but it was just like this massive rollercoaster ride. We got him out and then, before we left, I just told the doctor there that he was completely awesome, the nurses were just amazing.

This is up at Royal Hospital for Women? Quinn Yeah. I said, "Look, I will come back one day and do something," and he said, "If you're going to do anything, don't just donate to the organisation, or the hospital. It has to be for the NICU, because otherwise we won't see the money."

What's the NICU? Quinn The Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.

Then, speaking to Reidy, we were lifeguarding together at Tamarama and he asked if we were doing anything. I said I would like to actually raise money to get something for Royal Women's and he mentioned Sophie Smith from Running For Premature Babies. We got together, had a coffee, and she's just a terrific woman, just an absolute legend.

She lost her triplets over several months and then her husband had brain cancer. We said, "What do you need?" One of the things that I don't think they had at the time was enough ventilators. As we got talking, we realised my son Ryder had been on the ventilator that Sophie donated for the first part of his life. That had kept him alive. I was just like, well, that's the perfect thing to pay forward. We asked about the cost and were told it was $74,000.

Okay, how can we raise that?

48 The Beast April 2020

Luke, through his family and his extended family, and through me, has had massive experience with premature babies and losing babies as well, so we were like, "Let's get this together." We met with Sophie again last week and we're just trying to raise $74,000 for another ventilator.

Were any of your kids born premature Luke? Luke None of my children, no. I'm very fortunate to have three healthy kids, Cooper, Ava and Darci, and I love them so much. But friends and family, I won't go into it, but they have had different challenges. It really resonates with Jade and I. These ventilators and humidicribs, all these things that people like you and Sophie are donating, it seems like a guaranteed way of saving lives... Quinn 600 babies will be put on that ventilator every year. There's a real need.

Why are they relying on people like you guys and Sophie to donate them? Why isn't the government stepping in and buying these things? Quinn Yeah, it's a very good question. I think a lot depends on what promises are made, what government is in power at the time and what funding they get. Some politicians, like Matt Thistlethwaite, focus on hospital infrastructure, some politicians prefer trams.

"I'm proud of my family, I'm proud of my friends and I'm proud of my business.

I love the community, I just want to see what is possible."

You work in the medical industry Quinn... Quinn Yeah, for Stryker, a global med tech company that does everything from robotic knee replacements, hip replacements, integrated theatres and all the tooling needed for surgery, as well as my division, which is the best in class powered ambulance stretchers, stair descenders, defibrillators and public access automated external defibrillators.

Those stretchers are amazing...

Quinn The stretchers are second to none. I was a paramedic and I had a back injury from lifting manual stretchers and this thing just removes all of those issues.

Paramedics love it. But what you find is, for these hospitals, is competition for the funding between departments. They have this list of things that they want and they might get two of the eight they ask for, and then the money goes elsewhere. They may have asked for ventilators, but only get humidicribs. So, it's just filling that gap. And you're right, it's the fact that it's the easiest thing in the world to get behind a defenseless baby that's born too early and needs support, but unfortunately it's just one of those gaps that still exists.

So, that's a state government responsibility, right? Budgets for hospitals, they're basically competing for taxpayers' money with light rails, stadiums, all that stuff... Quinn Yeah, well, the health budget... so, you've got the hospitals then also competing with the ambulance service as well. It's obviously not a perfect system.

Did it frustrate you guys when you saw a stadium that was in pretty good condition, other than the dunnies and the sausage rolls taking too long... how did you feel when they announced they were going to spend all that money demolishing a stadium and rebuilding the same thing?

Quinn I love the Sydney Football Stadium. I thought it was a great stadium to watch footy. Luke We grew up watching footy there, when the 'Tahs were on. I remember there used to be rows of us sitting there, watching the footy, drinking schooners out of plastic cups, they were great times. Quinn To see the hole in the ground now, yeah, it's very strange.

Do you think it was a complete waste of money, knocking it down and rebuilding it? Luke I think money could have been spent better in other places.

Quinn Like the light rail. Luke I'm pretty conservative in my views.

Unless I actually know all the facts I don't provide a view. With regards to budgetary spend and that sort of thing, I don't really care about politics, apart from how they apply to my work. I find other things in life more enjoyable to focus on, like sport, family and friends. I leave politics aside.

You don't want to be uninformed and opinionated, like me? Luke That's your job!

So you're trying to raise $74,000 to buy a ventilator... Quinn Yeah, that's the plan.

Which, throughout its lifespan, will save about 600 premature babies' lives? Quinn Easily, 600 babies every year, at least until better technology comes out.

How are you going to raise that money? How can the readers of our little publication help? Quinn We've got a page on Sophie's Running For Premature Babies website, and there's also a website that Luke and I have individually. And then, if you click on that link, it'll send you to Sophie's page and we have a combined account that is administration fee free. Every dollar - literally every single dollar - that gets put into this donation goes toward this ventilator.

Even your flights overseas and stuff, you're paying for all that?

Quinn We're paying for them, yes. Luke Yeah, we're paying for those. This has nothing to do with the cost of our boat or the cost for us to get there. This is all for the charity.

So every dollar that gets donated goes toward that $74,000 target... Luke The lot. Quinn Yes, bar none.

Not many charities operate like that... Quinn No, and that's just a credit to Sophie. She just said, "Admin free. This is all going to be for that." Then Luke's idea, which is a good one, was if there's money left over, then it should be used to lobby government for more funding for these things.

Luke I think about how you get bang for your buck as well.

There's the tangible, and that's to have a real, immediate impact.

There's also the intangible, initially, and that has the potential

for a really big bang for your buck. And that's to advocate for funding to be directed in this area and such a worthwhile cause. We think that'll be highly appropriate. What gives you the best opportunity to have the biggest bang for your buck? I think that's some sort of advocacy. It would be targeted. We would be engaging with Sophie on that, of course. It's something Quinn and I would love to support.

What are the URLs? Quinn I'm www.quinnswim.com. Luke And I'm www.lukeswim.com.

"I'm enjoying the process of actually having the commitment and the mindset to get up and go and do what's required to achieve this goal."

This may sound silly, but are you scared? Quinn Yeah mate, of course. This is the most scary thing I've ever done, because it's got a high failure rate, because of the elements, because of going so far. There's two tides over there, a neap tide and then a spring tide. This window that Luke and I are in is the neap tide, so there's less water moving in and out.

As soon as you go to September 16 onwards, then you get into a spring tide, which makes it more difficult.

So you can have another crack later, as long as it's within the nine-day window? Quinn When you wake up, the captain will give you the call. If you're the first swimmer you can say yes or no.

If you say no, you go to number five, and then the second swimmer gets the opportunity. If he says no, the third gets it, and so on. You're just hoping for reasonable weather in that period. It's very unpredictable as well, which makes it more challenging. It's a scary thing and we're putting ourselves out there.

You just have to jump in and do it I suppose... Luke People will hopefully be putting their hard-

earned money towards a charity that we really believe in, so we've got no choice. For me personally, self-doubt does creep in at times, for sure, when you have a bad session or something like that. After a kilometre, you're struggling and you're thinking, "F*ck, how the hell am I going to do this?"

If things don't work out and the stars don't align, in terms of the conditions, are you just going to keep trying this until you've crossed? Quinn Yeah, for sure.

Luke Absolutely.

In an ideal world, what does the future hold for you guys? Luke I want to increase my scope to give to others. I want to be able to do more community work and I want to be able to be present with my family and my friends, and just get the most out of life. I'm proud of my family, I'm proud of my friends and I'm proud of my business. I love the community, I just want to see what is possible.

What about you Quinn? In an ideal world, what does the future hold for you? Quinn I think, personally, I don't want this to be the final challenge. I want this to be a pivotal moment and the biggest thing I've ever done, which it will be. I'm enjoying the process of actually having the commitment and the mindset to get up at 4.20am and do the kilometres required to achieve this goal.

Whatever form that takes in the future, I just want to still have that mindset moving forward.

Whether it's a goal professionally or sport-wise, I still want to continue to have that mindset, because I feel like that makes me the happiest. And then, for my kids, I like the idea of not wishing for them to just be happy, but arming them with the tools to deal with the challenges they face so they will grow up to be the best versions of themselves.

That's what I want for them. And for me, just to try and be the best father and husband that I can possibly be, so my wife loves me to the end and my kids grow up and have the right values and mindset, so they can have a positive impact as well â—?

April 2020 The Beast 49

Brothers, Bluetones and The Stone Roses. I love going to gigs and would recommend a trip to Byron Bluesfest to anyone who enjoys music.

Who is your favourite person? I can’t pick just one so I’d have to say my family back in the UK. They’ve always supported me in whatever I’ve chosen to do (even if that means moving to the other side of the world).

What do you get up to on the weekends? Most weekends I play cricket for the Coogee Bay Rebels, catch up with friends and try to squeeze in some writing.

Making people smile.

Local Bloke...

Graham Hosking from Coogee Interview and Photo James Hutton Coogee resident Graham Hosking has recently released his debut picture book, Sidney Opera Mouse. He shares his local favourites with The Beast…

How long have you lived here?

I moved over from Knutsford, England in January 2013 and I have lived in Coogee ever since.

Why do you live here? It’s a beautiful part of the world. I feel incredibly lucky to have world class beaches, bars and cafés within walking distance.

What's your favourite beach?

Coogee, but Clovelly is great for a post work dip.

What's your favourite eatery?

La Spiaggia in Coogee or INDU in the city.

Where do you like to have a drink? My cricket team is 50 The Beast April 2020

sponsored by the Coogee Bay Hotel so that’s my go to. The Wanderer in Surry Hills is also a favourite.

Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The lifestyle is second to none. Living near the beach and still being so close to the city can never be taken for granted.

Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? There’s not too much to dislike, but I wouldn't mind less traffic and cheaper rent/ property.

Do you have a favourite sporting team? The Coogee Bay Hotel Rebels Cricket Club, Sydney Sixers and Sunderland FC are my teams.

What music are you into at the moment? This week’s car karaoke has included Pierce

What do you do for work? My day job is in insurance, but in December I released my debut rhyming picture book, Sidney Opera Mouse. In the book ‘Sidney’ escapes from a pet shop and explores some of Sydney’s most famous attractions before finding the place he is destined to belong. Bondi Beach and the Opera House both feature.

What's your favourite thing about work? The variety in my work means that no two days are the same. On the writing side, it has been a great adventure learning about the craft of writing and self-publishing. The writing community are some of the nicest and most generous people I’ve ever met. I hope the book makes people smile.

Do you have a favourite quote?

You miss 100 per cent of the shots you don’t take.

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? A book makes a great gift! Signed copies of my debut book, Sidney Opera Mouse, are available at www.grahamhosking.com. You can also get your hands on a copy at Sydney Opera House and in all good book shops.

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For those who aren’t necessarily expected to know - colleagues, neighbours, your favourite barista - it’s permissible to start a week before. On the actual day you should tell everyone you can. People enjoy giving, so why deny them the opportunity to wish you well?

Hip hip hooray!

The Unreliable Guide To...

Birthdays Words Nat Shepherd Photo Ulang Tahun It’s The Unreliable Guide’s birthday soon and we couldn’t be more delighted. We have already started to sing 50 Cent’s ‘In Da Club’ - “Go shorty, it’s your birthday, we gonna party like it’s your birthday.”

- because we have no shame.

A birthday is a day that is all about you. Or it should be.

People congratulate you just for still being alive. Brilliant!

If you try and pay for things, they hug you and kiss you and say, “Don’t worry about it, it’s your birthday!” They give you presents, some of them nice.

This marvellous day happens only once every 365 days, or just eighty times in the average lifespan. That’s not many at all, so if you are one of those types who never celebrate their birthday, The Unreliable Guide 52 The Beast April 2020

is here with some tips and some tricks to help you make every birthday bonza.

Let People Know A well-quoted source of despair is the fact that others sometimes forget our birthday. We take this to mean that they don’t care about us, but life is busy and complicated. If you want people to remember your special day then you can’t rely on memory or social media, you have to tell them. Often. The Unreliable Guide has absolutely no embarrassment about doing this. With significant others, start a month before and keep up with the reminders until it’s the actual day. Forgetting someone’s birthday is a horrible feeling, so it’s unfair to let anyone you love be in that position.

Consider the Alternative The expression, ‘Many congratulations of the day’ actually translates to mean, ‘Jolly well done for still being alive’. In these uncertain disease and disaster filled times that really should be a cause for celebration. To have achieved another whole year since the day of your birth is a great thing, it means you haven’t died yet. This should be obvious, but instead we complain about getting older. Some argue that we should be celebrating life every single day and I agree, but other stuff tends to get in the way of that.

A birthday is an opportunity to focus and give thanks, to think about everything you’ve done in the past year and consider what you’ll do in the next one.

Call Your Mum Your mum played a big part on the day of your birth, so it’s only polite to give her some thanks on your birthday. If she’s not still around, maybe take a moment to think about her. Even if you didn’t get on that well, this was the day she managed to push your fat head through a very tight space and that is an amazing thing. Thanks Mum! Finally, The Unreliable Guide does recognize that some people don’t like to be the centre of attention. That they hate birthdays specifically because they get lots of unwarranted fuss. And that’s okay, you can be like that of course. Just let me know and I’ll have that birthday for you.

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Dual Currency System to Operate in Yarra Bay Words Satire Kieran Blake, kieranblake13@yahoo.com.au Photo Con Artist The suburb of Phillip Bay is set to operate under a system of dual currencies once the Mega Cruise Ship terminal is completed at Yarra Bay. The entire suburb will be reclassified as a Mega Economic Zone and will accept Australian dollars and Caribbean Coins in order to cater for the oversized tourists alighting from the endless stream of mega cruise ships docking at the terminal.

Caribbean Coins were so named because they mirror the dual currency system used in the Caribbean nation of Cuba, where locals use Cuban Pesos and tourists use Cuban Convertible Pesos.

All local businesses will be required to sell everything from fish and chips to surfboards through vending machines. That is, of course, if local businesses survive the onslaught of franchise stores such as Gloria Jeans, WHSmith, Relay and Newslink, as well as the ubiquitous fast food

outlets which follow tourists around the globe.

Surrounding suburbs will remain unchanged and Caribbean Coins will be useless outside of Phillip Bay, much like tokens at amusement parks. The new monetary unit will exist in coin form only and is deliberately mega sized to prevent Eastern Suburbs locals using it in parking meters, pool tables or Aldi trollies.

Another light rail line will be built to ferry mega passengers to the city, and this will accept only Caribbean Coins. The ‘Royal Rail’ is predicted to be even more expensive than the train from Sydney Airport to the city and will be officially opened by whichever British royal is left in the House of Windsor at the time of the line’s completion.

Addressing the media through a megaphone, The Premier of New South Wales, Gladys Berejiklian, rejected criticism of the terminal and promised jobs and growth.

“Local volunteer lifesavers will ferry mega passengers and their mega luggage to shore in IRBs,” she shouted.

“Locals can work as money changers, and revenue from the terminal will be used to build a mega wave pool, like the one at Jamberoo, because the beach will be permanently closed.”

“Furthermore, in true Aussie style, we will force local Aboriginal people to perform for visitors before sending them home, whereupon they can ponder what might have been if the French had arrived a few days earlier the last time large ships full of foreigners landed on these beaches.”

“That said,” qualified the premier, “there’s no point dredging up the past - we need to start dredging up the sand.”

Locals will also foot the bill for mega billboards emblazoned with images of the Harbour Bridge and Opera House, which will shield passengers from the sight of Port Botany as they arrive in the harbour city.

April 2020 The Beast 53

Make life easier for yourself.

When Near Enough is Good Enough Words Jeremy Ireland Photo Mia D'Yoka One of my most vivid memories as a kid was the day I received my trial HSC results for English.

I sat there in eager anticipation, somewhat confident, while the papers were handed back. I’d read the novel, done the study, learnt the quotes and written what I thought was a good essay.

My mark was well below what I’d expected, coming in at 56 per cent. I asked my teacher what it took to get the perfect score? His reply was simple: “There’s no such thing, no one can write the perfect essay.” I was confused. Surely it was possible to write the perfect paper; I just had to try harder, right?

On reflection, I can see he was right. No matter how hard I tried, it was always going to be an elusive construct.

Perfectionism is very much interconnected with one’s desire to achieve. If we are achieving then surely we are doing better, doing something worthwhile, proving our worth. While this attitude is at the core of Western culture and has overtones of the Protestant work ethic it can work against us. There is nothing wrong with working hard, but it becomes a slippery slope when we start to see our worth as a human being proportional to what one has achieved in life.

54 The Beast April 2020

It is this very slope that, if left unchecked, can lead one to feelings of anxiety and depression.

Let’s put it to the test. Say you have a school reunion coming up, how are you feeling?

Nervous, excited perhaps? If you’re the type who feels that worth equals achievement then you might be feeling apprehensive, even anxious. What if you started worrying that your old classmates might have achieved more, does that mean you’re a failure? The slippery slope may turn into an avalanche here.

The title of Mark Manson’s, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, says it all. To be perfect is counterintuitive and, according to Professor of Psychiatry Dr David D. Burns, is in fact “self-defeating and grossly inaccurate” - easy for them to say when they have both published books that have sold millions, but their point is clear.

If you’re the type who craves perfection then you are doomed to fail. Why? Well you could always have done better. You could have pushed harder at the gym, been more focussed during that job interview, you may have had more success on that date had you dressed better. It’s like a black hole; the more you try to be perfect, the

less likely you are to get there, as ‘perfectionism’ is elusive and hard to quantify.

What does this actually mean? Instead of striving for perfection and whipping yourself into a frenzy and feeling shitty because you haven’t cleared the bar, why not try lowering the bar? There’s nothing wrong with achievement, but if you are feeling excessively driven to produce at the expense of other things or people that may offer you satisfaction and enjoyment, the simple act of lowering your expectations may come as a huge relief. Dr Burns’ big question is, “Would you still respect yourself if you experienced a substantial failure?” Again, it depends how high the bar is.

Instead of striving for perfection, may I be so bold as to suggest that you dare to be average. Try it, take the challenge and see how you feel. We already know that the harder you strive for perfection the more disappointed you will be, so start low. If you like soft sand running, run as far as you can on the first day, don’t set a goal, then, on the next day, do one lap less, and one lap less again the day after. The effect here is that you can always accomplish your goal and feel good about it. Once you feel good you can swing it the other way and start building the laps up. Before you know it you will have passed that point on day one and keep building laps. You will never feel frustrated or disappointed in how far you have run.

Perfectionism is a concept that doesn’t fit reality and is a guaranteed loss. Lower the bar and you’ll never be disappointed, just ask my English teacher.

For further information, please contact Jeremy via bondicounsellingservices.com.

Ronnie O'Sullivan, probably the best snooker player of all time, on the piss during competition.

Snookered Words Alasdair McClintock Photo Maggie Beer At some stage in all our lives, we’ll find ourselves with a long bit of wood in our hand, staring down the shaft at some balls.

It’ll have some grime on it, having had years of filthy, drunken hands pawing at it, desperately hoping that by successfully caressing it they will achieve some sense of self-worth. But they won’t, unless that firm grip takes them all the way to London, on April 18, when the World Snooker Championship kicks off.

Snooker is an intriguing sport. Not because it is barely a sport (see: my opinion on Olympic lawn bowls, mumbled at a bowlo near you), but because it is one of the few things in this world where a misspent youth, years of debauchery and lounging around bars, equals success. It’s basically the rock and roll of sports.

It’s ironic, because every footballer, basketballer and cricketer in the world wants to

be a rock star, but they wouldn’t have the legs for it. Snooker players are the real athletes. I am basing this assumption on virtually nothing - I’ve certainly never even spoken to a professional snooker player - but I think it’s safe to say that every successful snooker player has spent their lives pounding liquor and drugs.

Do you think Lebron James or Cameron Smith could perform at their peak, having shovelled a mountain of illegal recreational stimulants, and even more legal depressants, into their systems the night before a big event? Well, those blokes, probably could - and I guarantee you Dusty Martin can - but the rest of them? Probably not. Heck, I have a few tins and I struggle to run through the most basic of levels on my Duolingo app. El gato bebe leche?

Get out of here!

The science I have to support my theory is anecdotal, circum-

stantial and, by very definition, not really science, but I think you will find it is sound. What you will need to do is go to your local pub and begin by begging everyone there for three one dollar coins. That’ll get you a few strange looks and strong rejections, but also started. Then you need to feed them into the rickety, tiger striped pool table in the corner - and yes, I acknowledge it’s not snooker, but if your local has a snooker table, it’s a front - and then see how you go.

You will go poorly. Perhaps averagely. If you perform above expectations, you need to look at your previous life choices.

Now, go to the bar, and drink approximately 2-4 standard drinks. Allow the liquor to sit, then play on. I probably don’t need to tell you how this ends, but as the wankers say, “If you know, you know.” And if you don’t bloody know, go out and try it and thank me for it later.

April 2020 The Beast 55

There are over 1,500 species of native Australian bees, including this neon cuckoo bee (Thyreus nitidulus).

Bee-eautiful!

Words Dr Marjorie O'Neill, Member for Coogee Photo Dianna Clarke One of the factors that unites residents of the Eastern Beaches is the beautiful environment we are so privileged to live in.

While we are dealing with the impact of increased population density and transportation difficulties every day (some created by poor government decisionmaking), we know that our lives in this incredible part of the world are made more pleasant by our physical environment.

Over the generations, we have naturally sought to eradicate the weeds in our yards and produce more cosmetically appealing surroundings. We have also sprayed our homes and gardens to reduce the presence of cockroaches, mosquitoes and other dreaded pests. My grandparents did this with a fervour and commitment to more hygienic living and to protect their children from illness.

We are now aware that the use of chemicals to eradicate pests from our homes has come at a high price. We have filled our living environment with chemicals, some of which are dangerous to humans and 56 The Beast April 2020

other species. We have also, in our quest for more beautiful and controlled surroundings, chosen to remove weeds and random plants.

The impact of these decisions has been to reduce the number of bees in our environment.

We are now faced with a problem that every one of us should address. Bees need to be promoted, and we can do this by providing bee-friendly environments in our homes, including apartments, schools, public spaces and just about everywhere.

Bees are important. They are pollinators and play a vital role in the entire ecosystem.

They contribute to the life of plants, and without them many of these would not be able to effectively pollinate. Our food supply depends on bees.

Apiarists have said that thousands of hives and habitats of native and honey bees in New South Wales were burnt and destroyed in the recent bushfires.

We can act to help address this appalling situation. Progressive individuals, families

and schools in the Eastern Suburbs were already hosting bee hives before the current environmental crises. We have many bee producers in the local area who, both individually or as part of a collective, are working to sustain and maintain hives. Some are working with native and non-stinging bees that produce little honey for public consumption, while others are focused on honeyproducing bees. Both are great for our environment.

If you, like me, are committed to a better environmental future, you can begin by engaging with the experts at the Amateur Beekeepers Association of NSW or visit their website at beekeepers.asn.au/find-a-club.

In a small way, I hope to promote this cause by offering the first 250 people who visit my office in Frenchmans Road a free sample of Bee Friendly Flower Seeds. Plant your bee friendly garden strips and send me your photos. I will post the best on my website as an inspiration and encouragement to others.

Let us bee friendly!

If you have any issues at all that you require assistance with, please do not hesitate to contact my office on 9398 1822, email coogee@parliament.nsw.gov.au, or come in at 15/53-55 Frenchmans Road, Randwick.

CONTACT MARJORIE

Electorate Office Details: Address: 15/53-55 Frenchmans Road, Randwick NSW 2031 Email: coogee@parliament.nsw.gov.au Phone: 9398 1822 Fax: 9398 1044 Authorised by Dr Marjorie O’Neill MP, 15-53-55 Frenchmans Road, Randwick NSW 2031.

Printed by Jeffries Printing, 5/71a Milperra Road, Revesby 2212 using parliamentary entitlements. July 2019.

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Ingredients 1 tablespoon olive oil 2 pork sausages, cases removed and broken into small chunks 1 large zucchini, chopped 60gm fresh ricotta ¼ lemon 200gm rigatoni 2 garlic cloves, finely chopped 60gm freshly grated pecorino Sea salt & cracked black pepper A few fresh basil leaves

Simple yet effective.

Pork Sausage, Zucchini & Ricotta Rigatoni Words and Picture Dana Sims Instagram @stone_and_twine The way Italians pair ingredients to create an incredibly tasty pasta dish is truly inspiring, as is their ability to keep things simple.

When we think of creating pasta at home, we often head straight for the tomatoes. Get creative and change the flavour profile by pairing the best pork sausages you can find with the lightness of zucchini and the creaminess of ricotta. The addition of lemon will only highlight these ingredients - be generous.

This is an earthy, rustic dish, simple enough to prepare midweek, special enough to cook 60 The Beast April 2020

for others, and it’s a comforting dish that celebrates the way Italians cook. It’s not fussy, it’s quality over quantity with ingredients and, most importantly, it’s packed with flavour.

Use whatever fresh pasta takes your fancy, but I like rigatoni for the shape and texture in this particular dish.

As with all Italian cooking, go for good quality with your pasta and olive oil, and cook the pasta to al dente perfection. Toss over a few basil leaves and some grated pecorino before bringing to the table and diving straight in. This recipe serves two.

Method 1. Bring a pot of salted water to the boil and cook the rigatoni until al dente. Drain and set aside.

2. While the pasta is cooking, heat a frying pan on medium heat and add the olive oil. Add the garlic and gently fry for 1 minute. Add the zucchini to the pan and fry for 3 minutes until softened a little and golden.

3. Add the pork sausage to the pan and toss through, cooking for 4-5 minutes until cooked through.

4. Add the pasta to the pan and toss, coating with the oil released from the sausage.

Generously squeeze lemon juice and stir through the pasta.

5. Break up the ricotta into small pieces and toss through the pasta very lightly (you don’t want it to melt completely).

6. Transfer to a serving bowl immediately, add a few fresh basil leaves over the top and a generous sprinkling of pecorino and ground black pepper.

Dana Sims is a Sydneybased food and prop stylist who has grown up in the Eastern Suburbs and loves to create delicious food for entertaining and family.

She is inspired by the fresh produce we have access to here in Sydney. For ideas, recipes and styling inspiration, check out her Instagram, @stone_and_twine.

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April 2020 The Beast 61

Subject A beautiful day Location Centennial Park Photographer Alan Wang

Subject Dance with me Location The Clovelly Hotel Photographer Harry Corcoran

Subject In full flight Location Centennial Park Photographer Juan A. Rojas

Subject Beating the crowds Location Clovelly Photographer Ben Austin

Subject Squashed Location Bondi Photographer Jackson Johnstone @getthedogg

The Beast Magazine wants your local photos!

Subject Man in the moon Location Space Photographer Juan A. Rojas

Subject Watchdog Location Clovelly Photographer David Williams

Subject Whitewash Location Bronte Photographer Jennifer Winstanley @jenny4735

Subject Reflections Location Bondi Photographer John Sandow

Subject Solander gems Location Cape Solander Photographer Jackson Johnstone @getthedogg

Please send them to photos@thebeast.com.au

Tame Impala

THE SLOW RUSH Label Universal Music Australia Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  I’ve always found Tame Impala a little dull.

Listening to them (him?) is like having a beer in an airport bar just before a three-week holiday in paradise. It’s nice, because you’re on holiday and you’re in a good mood (and enjoying a beer for Christ’s sake!), but you’ve still got a long flight and the vacation hasn’t really begun, has it?

There’s an unspoken frustration. The Slow Rush is no different, and very aptly named. You know what? I’m just going to come out and say it, Tame Impala is f*cking beige.

Banoffee

LOOK AT US NOW DAD Label Cascine Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating 

IN FABRIC Genre Horror Comedy Director Peter Strickland Reviewer Linda Heller-Salvador It is not surprising that acclaimed writerdirector Peter Strickland’s (The Duke Of Burgundy, Berberian Sound Studio) latest kooky, spooky and delightfully twisted film, titled In Fabric, has won the Seattle Film Critics Award for Best Villain. It is, however, surprising that the villain happens to be a blood-red dress which is possessed and has a sinister life all of its own.

This stylishly seductive horror is presented in two loosely-based storylines which are centred around the ‘life’ of the dress and the diabolical consequences it unleashes as it passes from each new owner.

Although there are other films that have worked the demon-garment storyline, such as The Red Shoes and I’m Dangerous Tonight, there are none in the vein of Strickland’s visually sumptuous and boundary-pushing storytelling style. If you love Mario Bava, Dario Argento and Giallo genre films, then you are in for a treat with this deliciously wicked and phantasmagorical experience.

64 The Beast April 2020

The older I get, the more I’m attracted to good pop. In a world of murderous viruses and their over-sensationalisation, it’s nice to slip into some mindless upbeat music. Banoffee has nailed the alt-pop genre. While some have implored her to get a little more experimental, I disagree. She’s nailing it, so why be mediocre at something else for a bit of ‘artistic credibility’? That’s for delusional egotistical wankers. One thing I will say though, is that spoken word interludes are, and always have been, terrible. They need to disappear.

King Krule

MAN ALIVE! Label True Panther Sounds Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  Touted as the “next big thing”, King Krule drifted away after releasing the exceptional track, ‘Easy Easy’. The lack of playlist-friendly songs on Man Alive!, and the fact he’s the only muso to have knocked back an opportunity to work with Kanye, suggests this might have been deliberate. I like Man Alive!, but it takes a few listens, and once you’ve worked it out, it’s like having read a good murdermystery; I know the butler did it, so now I feel no need to listen again. I’ve cranked ‘Easy Easy’ about twenty times though. Make of that what you will.

April 2020 Tide Chart Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Photo Greg Tingle Monday

Tuesday

• New Moon • First Quarter • Full Moon • Last Quarter

Wednesday

Thursday

•

2 0322 1023 1628 2200

1.54 0.62 1.21 0.77

3 0435 1130 1740 2315

1.59 0.54 1.29 0.70

•

9 0257 0907 1515 2132

0.24 1.82 0.27 1.92

10 0352 1000 1559 2219

•

1 0215 0909 1506 2040

1.54 0.66 1.19 0.78

6 0016 0634 1304 1914

0.46 1.87 0.25 1.67

7 0111 0725 1348 2000

0.35 1.91 0.21 1.79

8 0203 0816 1431 2045

0.27 1.89 0.22 1.87

13 0000 0650 1248 1819

1.80 0.47 1.31 0.71

14 0056 0758 1357 1920

1.70 0.54 1.23 0.79

15 0200 0906 1513 2033

1.61 0.59 1.22 0.83

16 0310 1009 1622 2148

1.55 0.60 1.26 0.82

20 0030 0637 1257 1909

0.64 1.58 0.50 1.55

21 0110 0.59 0714 1.58 1327 0.49 1941 1.61

22 0146 0749 1356 2012

0.54 1.57 0.49 1.67

23 0222 0824 1425 2043

0.51 1.55 0.50 1.71

27 0501 1100 1636 2306

0.54 1.35 0.67 1.72

28 0550 1149 1719 2353

29 0646 0.60 1246 1.26 1813 0.78

30 0048 0750 1354 1920

1.64 0.60 1.25 0.80

Monster trucks.

0.57 1.29 0.73 1.68

Friday

•

Saturday

Sunday

4 0543 1.69 1228 0.43 1837 1.41

5 0019 0541 1217 1827

0.25 1.70 0.36 1.92

11 0448 1053 1643 2308

0.30 1.56 0.47 1.87

12 0547 0.38 1148 1.42 1729 0.60

17 0416 1102 1715 2253

1.54 0.59 1.32 0.77

18 0512 1146 1759 2346

1.55 0.56 1.40 0.71

24 0300 0900 1454 2115

0.49 1.51 0.53 1.74

25 0338 0938 1526 2149

0.49 1.46 0.57 1.76

0.58 1.79 0.33 1.54

19 0557 1.56 1223 0.53 1835 1.48 26 0418 0.51 1017 1.41 1559 0.62 2226 1.74

Gemini May 22-Jun 21 All the effort you put into your ‘mindfulness’ and ‘wellness’ is leaving your physicality in a mess.

Looking good is more important.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22 When the time arrives to buy warm clothes for the coming cool season, please make better choices than you did last year.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22 Despite a weak Aussie dollar and the Coronavirus, there’s never been a better time to travel. Book a trip before the fear subsides.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 It’s not too late to do the things you wish you did when you were younger. If you think you’re too old to rock, then you probably are.

Visions Beardy from Hell

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22 Your nasal hairs will grow particularly fast this month, almost as if someone stuffed fertiliser up there.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 You don’t really need to suck up to people at work anymore. They like you already so stop trying so bloody hard.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20 It’s always nice to see the absolute best in people, but it will allow them to get away with their absolute worst.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23 Rediscover the joys of fingering.

You used to be a master of the craft and it’s been way too long since your last foray.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19 The best way to deal with your worries is by making your life so busy that you barely have time to think about anything else.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21 Hanging around people with lots of money will only make you feel poor. Seek out some povo mates and enjoy the affluence.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23 You ought to start treating people with a bit of respect, otherwise the crowd could turn on you in an instant.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20 When was the last time you did something that scared the shit out of you? Get out of your comfort zone and live a little.

Star Signs

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