The Eastern Beaches' Latest Must-Have Accoutrement

Summer is behind us, but there’s still ample time for Pearl to address the burning issue of beach cabanas. Although I am not a fan of the cabana, it is not my place to pass judgement on whether these cumbersome contraptions need to be banned - that’s a job for the local councils, and ultimately the lifeguards will be burdened with the unenviable task of cabana control. However, as the former self-appointed COVID ambassador turned self-declared minor celebrity, Pearl feels that it is her role to weigh in on the issue, examining the cabana phenomenon and providing much-needed guidance to those who have difficulties in adhering to the social niceties of life.

On the surface, the cabana may appear to be an intrusive gazebo causing division on the crowded sands of our most popular beaches. But, like the issue of unleashed dogs, the cabana is yet again a reflection of an affluent yet bored society with way too much money and time on its hands.

It is not the aesthetics of the cabana-collective that offends Pearl. In fact, nothing can rival the absolute ugliness of the vile developments that have invaded Sydney. Rather, it’s what the cabana representssprawl and largesse. Until the early 2000s, the populace had survived summers with the portable, inoffensive beach umbrella, an adequate shelter until transformed by the southerlies into lethal javelins. Then, as our beaches became increasingly overcrowded, the need for a more aggressive and intrusive form of shelter was required, in the shape of a blue domed tent. Just as sedans have evolved into SUVs and metal-trayed utilities have morphed into ultra-massive vehicles (as Crikey points out, Australia must be the land of small penises judging by our vehicle preferences) and our homes into multi-roomed luxury abodes, the umbrella has transformed into the cabana, which will eventually evolve into a thatched hut requiring the pulling power of an electrified beach cart.

Not only is the cabana a reflection of the affluent human condition, it is also an ominous symbol of global warming. With rising temperatures, less natural shade and the highest melanoma rates in the world, beachside Australia can be a dangerous place in summer. The irony is that the very people who are erecting large luxury beach cabanas in the pursuit of shade are usually the same thoughtless people whose lifestyles contribute to climate change, arriving in troops of SUVs, leaving the engines running as they unpack the contents of the car boot into the mandatory beach cart.

Our decisions impact the world at large, and the way we choose to live means we are destined to need massive shade covers over the beaches, public pools and our children’s sporting fields. The $400 “shade means style” cabana may be the “must-have accoutrement” that takes one’s beach trip to the “next level” while also inducing “cabana envy”, but stop and think before you assemble your ocean retreat and ask the question - which of my actions are causing the earth to warm and my children’s skin to fry?